SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (46 page)

Once the scene has been set as outlined above, and the submissive is naked and kneeling at my feet, I usually ask them, “Why are you here?” This question takes many submissives aback, especially the ones who expect me to “do” them so that they’ll get off. This question is crucial because it helps clarify basic issues.

The answer I hope to hear is something like “to serve you,” or “to submit to you.” This type of answer shows me that they understand who is here for whom.

The dominant is not there to please the submissive. The submissive is there to please the dominant.

If they don’t answer my question in a generally correct way, I know right then that we need more discussion about this session before going further. I have learned, through frustrating experience, that a poor answer to my question is a warning light that I definitely must not ignore. A not-close-to-the-mark answer by this person usually indicates that they are unduly selfish, or feel they are doing me a favor by playing with me, or in some other way indicates (often rather strongly) that the two of us may not be well-suited for playing together — and shouldn’t. This can be frustrating, but any dominant whose desire to play with someone gets so strong that they aren’t willing to walk away from a session at any time isn’t really a dominant.

If their answer to “why are you here?” is generally correct (i.e., “to serve you,” “to submit to you,” or something similar), I then ask them, “what does that mean to you?” Again, they usually don’t know quite how to answer that, and it can be fun to watch them flounder around. After I let them struggle a bit, I tell them, “Your submission has four basic components. They are as follows: to serve my needs, to obey my orders, to accept my domination, and to please my desires.” I then have them repeat these back to me.

Once they have repeated those points back to me, I ask if they are willing to do those things. If they answer that they are willing, then the session really begins.

I have found that these four points cover most matters involved in a dominant/submissive relationship. Let’s look at each in turn.

Beware of the submissive who has their own collar, and it doesn’t lock.

“To serve your needs.”
This refers to doing things that make life easier for the dominant, such as performing menial tasks (subject to the limits established during your initial negotiations). During a session, for example, if the dominant becomes thirsty then the submissive will bring them something to drink — usually offering it on their knees to the dominant. The dominant may let the slave kneel there for a while holding it out before they accept it.

The submissive diligently tends to the dominant’s needs. If the room is too cold, or the music too loud, or another whip is needed, the submissive often will be ordered to take care of those matters.

This serving of needs may continue beyond “playtime” if the two people are involved in an ongoing “lifestyle” SM relationship. Submissives may cook for their dominants, do their laundry, go grocery shopping, dean the house, and otherwise spare their dominants from having to do the menial tasks of life. Many submissives intuitively understand that one of their duties is to give their dominant as much free time as possible — to use however they wish.

Footnote: It’s better if these tasks are preformed in person by the submissive. I recommend against allowing the submissive to hire someone else to mow the lawn, wash the car, or perform any other task unless their health or lack of ability prevents them from performing these duties themselves. The more personal the service, the better.

Serving may go even further. The submissive may want to give their dominant money, buy them clothes, pay their rent, and so forth. This can be wonderful, but has potential problems.

A wise dominant knows two things about being served.

First: Very little is ever given completely freely and unconditionally in this world. Most people (and submissives are certainly people, even if they sometimes want to role-play a “subhuman” status) expect something in return for what they give. In the case of a submissive, what they often want is for the dominant to continue being their dominant. A smart dominant therefore accepts little, if anything, in the way of goods or services from a submissive who does not strongly attract them. Gifts often come with unspoken, or even denied, strings attached. Wise dominants remember that. They never accept substantial gifts from a submissive unless they want to spend a lot of time with that particular submissive.

Please don’t tell me to put the collar on myself. Please, Master, you do it.

(I know of case in which a wonderful female submissive found an elegant way to spare her new master from exactly that sort of dilemma. When she learned through other sources that he had fallen on hard times, she mailed him an anonymous letter containing cash.)

Second: Never become dependent on a submissive. There are dangers to being served. The first danger is that, as adults, we weren’t really meant to be taken care of too much. If we are, we tend to become soft, lazy, and a bit spoiled. A certain amount of emotional regression is also common. Like the Romans, if the labor and struggle of others make our own lives too easy, we begin to decline.

The second danger of accepting goods, meaning any tangible thing of value, including money (this can make for a fascinating tax return) is that, again, we may become dependent. We may ethically accept items of value, even great value, from a submissive provided that we do not come to
rely
on them. Once we depend on our submissive to pay our rent, we have become
their
slaves. Wise dominants never, ever allow themselves to be placed in this position. And it
is
a distinct danger — perhaps especially for female dominants who have male submissives. Many male submissives are highly successful, even wealthy. Some are not at all above using lavish gifts to manipulate their dominant. Such manipulation can be obvious or subtle, but it is indeed there.

Still, a submissive can offer “real world” services to a dominant if it’s done in a proper way — meaning as unconditionally as possible. I know one submissive man who offers his services as a carpenter. He’s built many pieces of SM equipment. Also, it’s been something of a joking truism in the SM community for many years that a submissive auto mechanic is not likely to be without play partners for very long.

The more a dominant’s own life is in good order, the better they can properly dominate a submissive. A wise dominant conducts their affairs, including their financial affairs, in a way that allows them to be both capable of and willing to end a relationship on a moment’s notice. They never allow themselves to become dependent on the goods or services offered by a manipulative “submissive.”

“To obey your orders.”
Yielding control is the essence of submission. To submit is to agree to obey. The submissive needs to look deeply at how they feel about obeying this dominant’s orders. If they look forward to being commanded, that’s a good sign. If they do not welcome being given orders by this person, then they need to ask themselves why (and if) they want to do this.

In general, the dominant has every right to expect prompt, good-faith obedience from the submissive. Orders should be responded to quickly and willingly. If this is not so, the dominant needs to examine the situation. Is the submissive not genuinely willing to obey? Are they “misbehaving”? Are you, as a dominant, being tested to see if you are willing to enforce your orders? (This is common, especially at the beginning of a relationship.) Is the submissive trying to top from below? Is there any sign that the submissive might physically resist? It’s very important that these questions be answered before you go much further.

How important being submissive is, and how much a submissive honors their relationship with their dominant, is often revealed when the submissive is ordered to do something that they don’t want to do. Too many “submissives” (particularly heterosexual, submissive men) are into obeying only when activities they already like and want to do are involved.

Eventually, the dominant is probably going to want the submissive to do something that the submissive is not “into.” This is a somewhat crucial moment. If the submission is genuine, and what the dominant wants is not likely to be unacceptably harmful, unsafe, or in violation of previously negotiated limits, then the submissive will genuinely try to do it with whatever grace and eagerness they can muster. A submissive who truly honors their relationship with their dominant will endure a lot if doing so will please that person. (Caution: Sometimes submissives will endure much, much more than they should. Dominants therefore need to be careful about what they want.)

The submissive who endures pain, fear, disgust, or humiliation (those words are worth remembering, by the way), or a combination of them, for absolutely no other reason than to please their dominant, has made a major statement about the importance of their relationship to that dominant — and is entitled to a moment of quiet pride. A wise dominant respects such a submissive, and asks them to endure such ordeals only if they also want such a deep, committed relationship.

One exception to the prompt obedience rule is the “captive” submissive. In this scenario, the dominant has taken the submissive “prisoner” and is holding them “against their will.” This role can be a good one for novices or people who feel ambivalent about being submissive. Just make sure that you cover matters like physical resistance and “turning the tables” in your pre-session negotiations. Remember how dangerous it can be to play in these areas.

Sorry about that, Master. I’m not used to being owned this early in the morning.

Caution: Captive scenes can be very hot. I confess that, when I take the submissive role, I like them. (Interestingly enough, I’m not too fond of them when I’m a dominant. Then I prefer more of a trainer/ trainee scene.) Captive scenes are often combined wonderfully with “interrogation.” They do, however, seem more vulnerable to over-escalation and too-rapid build up than other types of scenes are. Both players must stay alert for that. If you play in this area, don’t let it happen. Make sure you cover that specific point in your pre-session negotiations.

“To accept your domination.”
If “obey your orders” is largely about accepting what your dominant
says
to you, particularly regarding obedience, then “accept your domination” is largely about accepting what your dominant
does
to you. This can be particularly important regarding accepting pain from them. Unless specifically excluded by prior negotiations, a certain amount of pain (sometimes a considerable amount), often “comes with the job” of being erotically submissive.

Subject to pre-session negotiations and limits, your dominant has the right to touch your body in any place that they want and in any way that they want. They have the right to pinch, slap, spank, and whip you. They have the right to put clamps on your nipples, your genitals, and other parts of your body, and otherwise to give you as much, or as little, pain (and, if
they
wish it, pleasure) as they wish. They have the right to tie you up or otherwise restrain you. They have the right to steer you where they want you to go by pushing you, pulling you, turning you, leading you on a leash, and so forth. You should be clear about these points before you submit.

Once the session has begun, your dominant does not have to justify to you on your terms why they want to give you pain. The fact that they want to give it to you is usually all you need to know. Your job as a submissive is to accept it as best you can. The more you can develop your ability to accommodate your dominant’s desires in a healthy manner, the better a submissive you will be.

“
To please your desires.”
This is the flip side of “to serve your needs.” It’s also often more pleasant. A need is something that must be met or the person will experience distress. For example, a dominant may feel thirsty, so kneeling at their feet and offering them a glass of something to drink helps meet that need.

It’s much easier for me to go from being a top to being a bottom during a session than to go from being a bottom to being a top.

On the other hand, nobody “needs” a massage, to have their toenails painted, to listen to pleasing music, or to receive skillfully administered oral sex. Pleasing desires can be the fun part of submission.

Such pleasing often involves SM activities. If you wish to know why your dominant wants to tie you up, whip you, and otherwise “torture” you, understand that you should be ready to hear an answer to the effect of “For absolutely no other reason than because it pleases me to do so.” If this is not a good enough reason for you, then you have some thinking to do about why you are being erotically submissive to this person.

Another point to keep in mind about the importance of pleasing your dominant’s desires is the matter of physical sensation imbalance. The rewards of being erotically submissive can be both psychological and physical. The rewards ofbeing a dominant are often “only” psychological. In terms of raw physical sensation, an SM encounter is often many, many times more intense and rewarding for the submissive than for the dominant. After such a session, this imbalance often leaves a dominant, especially a novice dominant, with a vague sense of somehow having been cheated.

Such a confused dominant may be unable to understand this vague sense of having been ripped off. After all, they were in total control of the session. The submissive diligently obeyed them and did everything they were told to do. Why does the dominant have a vague sense of loss? Why does it feel like something is missing?

The answer is often found in the matter of physical sensation. The submissive usually received loads of it. The dominant, on the other hand, often set the session up so that they received little or none. A wise dominant therefore asks themselves before or at the beginning of a session what they want in terms of physical sensation from this submissive. Do they want oral sex? Intercourse? A massage? A foot rub? (Many submissives increase their desirability by becoming skillful at giving massages and foot rubs. They often read books, watch videos, and take classes in how to perform these acts.)