SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (53 page)

This unfortunate situation requires you to make some tough decisions. Some organizations solve it by admitting couples only; a few admit only committed couples. A less extreme solution may be to put the single guys on “standby,” telling them that they can join as soon as a single lady joins to balance them out.

Certainly, it’s a very good idea to recruit women for your organization. Women are likelier to attend an organization where they feel that they will be physically safe, protected from overly predatory approaches, and treated with respect and honesty. There
are
lots of women with SM fantasies around you, I assure you. If you make your group a safe place for them to come and talk, they will appear. (Note:

Having too many women isn’t a good idea, either. I remember one event I put on for which I’d been assiduously recruiting women. I realized I might have gone a bit overboard when I saw no fewer than four lovely ladies sitting to one side of the room, looking for all the world like wallflowers at a high school prom. Not the kind of outcome I like.)

Social meetings. Once you’ve got enough people to put together a small get-together — eight to 10 is about the minimum to reach “critical mass,” and be sure to allow for some people to chicken out — it’s time to schedule your first “talk-only” club meeting!

It’s a good idea to keep this first meeting very simple and informal. My preference would be to have it in a public location such as a restaurant (try for a large enough restaurant that your gathering won’t garner undue attention, or a restaurant that has a private room you can use). Bars are a possibility if you don’t mind dealing with a bit of cigarette smoke, but watch out for people drinking too much. Discreet sections of public parks can also be nice, if weather permits. Be a little cautious about having this first meeting in a private home, although if someone involved is willing to open their home to strangers this is certainly a possibility.

It’s not a good idea to charge admission for this meeting; among other things, doing so may increase your chances of violating some local ordinance, may increase your liability in the event of a mishap, and may also create some difficulty for you when you decide how to deal with reporting this income. (If you do charge, I suggest that you keep your fees low and that you keep things on a cash-only basis.) Let people bring their own refreshments, or pot-luck dishes to share.

This isn’t social chat, we re negotiating.

What should you do at the meeting? Simply let people chat and get acquainted. Aside from making a few brief welcoming remarks in the beginning, I wouldn’t try to run things much. I strongly recommend that you not try to schedule any kind of demos, play, or nudity for this first get-together.

This is as far as many groups go — informal get-togethers in restaurants or in members’ homes — and it works quite successfully for them. (Regularly scheduled restaurant get-togethers, called “munches,” are a frequent social event for Internet-oriented SM folks. Such events are announced on the alt.sex.bondage, alt.sex.femdom, and alt.sex.spanking newsgroups.) A purely social group like this is already a huge step toward helping people overcome fear and isolation, and toward learning and growing as SM players. You can share information, trade books and tips, and possibly carpool to workshops and parties given by larger organizations.

Programs. So, say you and/or your group decide that you’d like the organization to become more formal and perform more functions. What happens next?

The next step that most organizations take is toward giving some sort of programs. These can be interactive programs, like round-table discussions on a predetermined topic or games like Truth or Dare. Or they can be educational programs, such as workshops or demos put on by a speaker who has special expertise in a particular topic.

If you’re going to have programs, particularly if they include demos, you’ve grown beyond the restaurant stage. (I know of one group which got permanently banned from a restaurant when their demonstrations went too far.) At this point, you will either have to rent space — which involves some sort of contributions from members, and thus opens up some financial issues — or meet in a member’s home. If you decide to take the latter course, it may be a good idea to rotate the meetings from one home to another. Also, be sure to emphasize to the attendees that they must arrive dressed in discreet outer clothing, park properly, and avoid discussing SM-related topics until they are indoors.

I love Velero cuffs — they’re so easy to put on and so fast to take off.

The total time of your get-together should allow for some socializing at the beginning and end of the event, as well as time for the program itself. Keep in mind that minds can’t outlast fannies: after about 75 minutes, attention will be wandering and bladders will be filling, and your attendees will start taking breaks whether you tell them to or not. Also, set up a time for announcements at the start of the meeting, and maybe a time to allow attendees to briefly introduce themselves to the group.

It’s important that one particular person be in ultimate charge of the event. This person should have very broad authority, including the right to tell people to leave if necessary. The person in charge of the event may or may not be the overall director of the organization.

The timing of your event might break down as follows:

Thus, the minimum time for a successful program is about 160 minutes (two hours and 40 minutes).

Educational programs might be on such topics as bondage, whipping, spanking, play piercing, owner/slave dynamics, safer sex, male or female genital torture, “ask the doctor,” body modifications, electricity play, and temperature play. There are dozens more.

Interactive programs can include moderated discussions on topics of particular concern to your members, or games.

Other functions. What are some of the other functions your organization can perform? To name just a few:

- compile and maintain a resource list

- publish a newsletter and/or events calendar for your region

- recruit new potential members (“recruiting outreach”)

- send speakers to human sexuality classes, mental health professionals, and law enforcement agencies (“educational outreach”)

- sponsor specialized discussion groups

- provide play space

- give parties

- hold “top & bottom auctions”

- maintain a lending library

- hold commitment ceremonies and memorial services

- hold fund-raisers and make donations to related charities (battered women’s shelters, Amnesty International, ACLU, AIDS charities). Note: Some organizations will not accept donations from an SM group, so you may have to make your donations anonymously or through an individual member.

- pool resources to purchase leather, rope, safer sex supplies, and so on in bulk

- provide a silent alarm service

- make referrals to SM-friendly physicians, therapists, attorneys, and other professionals

- watch for unfair representations of SM in the media, and sponsor letter-writing campaigns (“media watch”)

- publish personal ads

- hold flea markets for new and used toys, literature, and equipment

- publish and compile an annual membership questionnaire

If you think creatively, you can probably come up with others. (SM scholarship funds? Hmmm....)

Parties

Why on earth would anybody want to do SM at a
party,
for heaven’s sake?

That may be a tough question to answer, unless you’ve actually attended an SM party. It can be hard to put into words the wonderful synergy of doing a scene when you’re surrounded by the sounds and sights of other scenes all around you, and when you’re bathing in the eager gaze of supportive onlookers. For someone who has a bit of an exhibitionistic streak, playing at parties can be the ultimate high.

But even if you’re not into that kind of showing off, parties offer some unique benefits. First of all, there’s simply the pleasure of attending a party where you can schmooze, gossip, cruise, be yourself, and just generally hang out. (I rarely play at parties, and yet I really enjoy attending them.) Many people like to do their first scene with a new partner in the relative safety of a party environment. Parties give people the opportunity to watch different playstyles and to learn new techniques. You can also sometimes get an idea of what an individual’s skills and style are like, thus helping you decide whether or not to approach them for play.

Deciding to put on a party. Putting on a party is a lot of work and responsibility. Although it gets somewhat easier witn time and practice, even hardened partygivers experience moments of stress, exhaustion, and panic.

I was really getting off on topping you.

Still, let’s say you’ve decided your organization is ready to put on its first party. Let’s consider some of the decisions you need to make before you send out your first invitation.

- When will you give your party? In general, people in most areas seem to prefer to party on Saturday night. If your area has a lot of SM or sexuality organizations, you may find that all the Saturday nights are already taken (it’s generally a good idea to avoid scheduling your party to conflict with another group’s party). In that case, you might consider a Friday night, a Sunday afternoon/early evening, or possibly even a weeknight. Any of these options may have a negative impact on the number of people who will be able to attend. If you
must
give a party or other event on the same night that someone else is giving one, it’s very important that you contact them ahead of time and explain your situation. Let them know that you’re not intentionally scheduling a conflict with them. Some sort of compromise, such as combining guest lists, might be a possibility. Show proper consideration regarding these matters. The bad feelings created by such conflicts can last for a long time. When will your party start and end? Customs on this point vary according to what region of the country you’re in, and the age of your party group. In general, younger groups, gay and lesbian groups, and groups back East seem willing to party later into the night. We old hetero hippies need our sleep, so many of the parties I attend start as early as 7 p.m. and wrap up by 1 a.m. Typically, parties have a time when the doors open, a time when the doors close and nobody else is admitted, sometimes a brief period for announcements and/or orientation, and a time when the party ends. The cleanup crew may be asked to hang around for half an hour or so after the formal ending of the party.

- Who will be in charge of your party? (This may or may not be the person who is in charge of the overall group. It also may or may not be the person who owns the space in which the party is held.) It’s very important that your party organization have clear agreement about the lines of authority during the party.

- Who will be invited to your party? Who will be allowed to bring guests, how many, and under what circumstances?

- Where will your party be held? Most small organizations start by holding parties in the private homes of the members. I’ve found that the minimum requirement for a comfortable party is a house with at least two bedrooms and, if possible, two bathrooms. It’s far from unheard of for SM people to convert their basements into dungeons, and a house with one of these can make an excellent party environment - people can eat and schmooze upstairs and play downstairs. Later, you may wish to rent space in a scene-friendly nightclub, loft, warehouse conversion, professional domination studio, or other similar environment.

- What kind of party will it be? Will it be for women only? Men only? Mixed genders? If the genders are mixed, will it be exclusively male-top, female-top, or “anything goes”? Will the focus be on a particular type of play, such as spanking, listing. or age play? Will there be a special event such as an auction? Will there be a theme? Will there be a dress code?

I love getting hog-tied.

Who will do what? It takes more people than you might think to put on a successful party. The “cast of charactecs” at most parties includes the partygiver, the space owner, a doorkeeper, a cashier, one or more food people, a music person, one or more dungeon monitors, and a cleanup crew. Typically, these people receive free admission to the party in exchange for volunteering.

So what do all of them do?

The
partygiver
has the ultimate authority and the ultimate responsibility for the party. If any of the other helpers fall through or flake out, the partygiver must arrange a substitute for the derelict person (or do it themselves). If there is a conflict among helpers, or among attendees, the partygiver must resolve it.