Private Emotions – Invitations (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (14 page)

I felt so hollow inside, like someone had ripped out everything in me that made me feel human, that quite frankly, made me feel anything at all. I started to feel a numbness come over me like I never felt before. I felt a sense of loss like when my previous relationships ended but this was more profound. I would just have to accept the fact that Ethan was not in love with me and never was. The doc was right, I had turned this agreement between Ethan and me into what I wanted it to be and not what it actually was. I saw things that were not there, felt a connection from him that was just an illusion, all because I wanted him so badly. He was never mine to have because he was never available to me for the taking. How stupid I had been to think that I could do what no other woman was able to do since Henrietta, to capture the heart of a wild spirit like Ethan Sterling. He had his choice of a bevy of sophisticated and powerful women, what could I possibly have to offer him? Sophie was the type of woman every woman wanted to be and every man wanted to be with. Maybe Ethan and Sophie were in love and they were just having fun before they both committed to each other and live happily ever after? They were perfect for each other. Henrietta was Ethan’s past and Sophie was Ethan’s future. I couldn’t possibly compete with her.

I wished I could say I hated him and regretted the day we met on the stairs but I couldn’t. How was it possible to still want someone who made me feel like I was dying a slow and painful death inside? It just didn’t make any sense, at least not to me. I have always been able to walk away from an uncomfortable situation and bounce back in record time. I have always been able to move on and continue to achieve. I have always kept my motivation high and my regrets low. How could I have not seen it coming? I was an intelligent woman with a good heart so why was this happening to me?

So many of my friends found love in record time. Ronnie and Mark were high school sweethearts and got married right after finishing university. If Ronnie and I had so much in common then why the hell was I still on the shelf? What the fuck did I continue to do wrong?

I heard a loud banging on my door. “Emily! Open up, it’s Ethan. Open this door, Emily. Emily! If you are in there, open up. Emily!” The force of Ethan’s knock made my apartment shake. It was a good thing that I had not switched on any of the lights so he could not tell whether or not I was at home. “Emily! Open this damn door!” I could hear him rattling the door handle and then it all went silent again. I did not want to see him, not tonight. I was still too enraged and too frustrated by it all. I lay frozen on my bed barely breathing while I waited for him to leave. “Emily, if you are in there, we need to sort this out.” There were a few more bangs on the door and then complete silence.

I lay there for at least another hour before I got up to undress. I could not risk Ethan still being outside my door and hearing my movements in the apartment. He could be quite persistent when the need arose and I was not in the mood for a shouting match.

If there was a confrontation tonight, the way that I was feeling, he would have definitely been left licking his wounds on the way out.

Chapter Eight
More Fish in the Sea

I was still fuming over what happened at that party. I thought it was going to be a special evening but I soon found out just how very wrong I was. My disappointment in the whole thing was brought about when I saw those two women in the washroom and how easily they felt compelled to pull me into the mix. It was as if they had the idea that I was ready for that sort of open relationship. Even that wasn’t enough to completely damper my mood, that was until Ethan confirmed that the real party had not yet started. How could he possibly have thought that type of environment was right for me? That just goes to show how little he really knew me.

My anger had overwhelmed me so much that I couldn’t see straight. I wailed into Ethan with everything I had and then some. He was caught like a deer in the headlights. The willowy blonde with him had seen that things were taking a nasty turn, and had done the honorable thing and walked away from the scene that was about to take place. The rest of the crowd was too wrapped up in their own pleasure to worry about a little drama that was taking place across the room. Apparently, they had other things to occupy their minds and bodies.

I had stormed out on Ethan, knowing now that he wasn’t the right man for me. Had he talked to me before hand, he would have seen that this scene wasn’t for me. Now he was the one left alone. My anger was so elevated that I couldn’t see straight and I kept the lines of communication to everyone I knew to a bare minimum. Ethan was a persona non grata and no matter how many times he wrote, called or texted, I was determined to freeze him out at every turn. Thankfully, he didn’t dare come in person. If he had then he would surely be walking funny for the next few days.

To put myself out there and still be disappointed was inconceivable to me. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to fall for a man that didn’t have a clue. For a guy who said he knew how women thought, he was sadly off the mark with me. I had no intention of letting him back into my life. My heart felt cold and dejected and he had made me feel that way. No man should have that kind of power, none, not even Ethan Sterling.

I had wasted too much time and if he was really in love with Sophie then they could have each other with my blessing. During my talks with Sophie, I didn’t get the feeling that there was love between them. She even seemed happy that I had taken an interest in him. Why then was I consumed with the notion that Ethan was in love with Sophie?

I shook my head with the nonsense of it all and then I banged my head against a metaphorical wall until I could see the forest for the trees. There couldn’t be only one man out there that could make me fall head over heels for him. Surely there was at least one more guy out there who had the qualities I was looking for. I was determined to get back out on the dating scene and prove to myself that Ethan was not the only man for me. The longer I stayed locked away in my apartment, the more I would think about him and the more depressed I would feel. I refused to allow myself to feel this way. I had come too far in confronting my inhibitions to let one man dictate whether or not I succeeded.

I knew of this cute bank teller that was always giving me extra attention. Maybe he was the one that I needed to corral. He was cute, in a boyish kind of way, but that might just be what this patient needed.

I left the apartment for the first time in two days and ventured to the bank in hopes of finding ‘Mister Right’ and not just ‘Mister Right Now’. He was working that day and his face lit up when he saw me come in and head in his direction.

“What can I do for the prettiest lady who has ever crossed my path?’

“Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’ll just say that I find you attractive and charming. If you want to go out with me then I would like for you to pick me up at my apartment and wear something appropriate.” He took the card with my number and address and then smiled back at me with a row of brilliantly white teeth.

“I love how forthright you are. It would be my pleasure to show you the time of your life. I’ll pick you up at your apartment and not to worry, my mother taught me to respect women and to treat them like the queen that they are.”

I walked backwards thinking that this man may be someone’s dream guy. It was going to be a crapshoot whether he was the right man for me but at least I was willing to give him a shot. This was a big moment for me. I had never asked a man out apart from it being in a professional escort way. At least at the speed dating session, I had known that those men were interested and I could make the date over the phone from the safety of my own apartment. This was the first time that I had taken the bull by the horns and actually used my own words in person to garner a date from a man who I barely knew.

He showed up on time and didn’t just wait in the car until I came down. He had dressed in a tight sweater and even tighter blue jeans that left his package ready to be ogled by anyone who ventured a peek. Being a female we are a little subtler than guys when it came to looking but we do get our eyes full of the prize. I had asked that he dressed for the part but he had instead gone with the casual corporate look. Somehow that seemed to fit him for who he was and almost left me swooning over him.

“Emily, I’m so glad that you asked me out as I was just too shy to make that leap. Don’t get me wrong though, I was very flattered by your attention, I just wished that I was the one who did the asking. I kind of feel like I’ve lost a step right from the start.”

“You don’t have to feel that way, David. Before, I would’ve felt out of place asking you out but I’ve come a long way since that time. I want you to know that I like you and if all that happens is we have dinner and talk then I am perfectly fine with that.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line? ...hahahhahahaha.” I joined him in his laughter and it seemed to break the ice between us. I got into his car feeling slightly happier about the situation, thinking that maybe I had made the right decision in my pursuit of him.

We got to the restaurant but it was nothing like Au Chanté, not that I was expecting it to be but I was slightly put off and I didn’t know why. It was a perfectly nice restaurant. The tables had checkered tablecloths and an old man was serenading us on a violin but it just wasn’t ticking the boxes for me.

“Well, Emily, the meal was good and the company even better.” David beamed a warm smile as he did his best to pay me a compliment. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his comment was not the most original so I just smiled and said a polite thank you. He paid the bill and we decided to go for a walk.

“Oh sorry, I was not looking where...Mark?”

“Emily? What are you doing here?!”

“I um...what are you doing here?”

“A long story but I only popped in for the day and now I am on my way back home.” Mark paused and looked at David with a curious expression on his face before returning his attention to me.

“Oh, David, meet a good friend of mine, Mark. Mark, this is David.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “David? That’s interesting. Emily never mentioned you before.”

“Oh, I didn’t expect her to mention me. This is only our first date.” Shit, he was not supposed to say that...shit.

“Date? Oh, well then don’t let me stop the fun. Good to meet you, David. See you soon, Emily.” Mark then bolted off in the opposite direction. Damn, I may not have been ready to see Ethan but for some reason I did care that he would find out I was dating. Why should I care though, he would probably congratulate me for finding someone else and move on to his next client...The paying kind, of course.

David and I took a walk and ended up by the river’s edge. We were having fun splashing each other with water when things took a more serious tone.

He grabbed me around my waist and my breath got caught in my throat for a second. His lips were soft and inviting and I stood on my tiptoes to kiss this 6-foot tall man. It was very nice and his technique was better than most men that I have been with so at least he had that going for him. Unfortunately there were no fireworks, I felt nothing. He even came complete with a set of dimples that made him look so adorable. I wanted more than anything to feel something for him but it just wasn’t there. Kissing him was still pleasant so I did not resist his display of affection. He was sliding his hands down the small of my back until he had a handful of my toned backside. My eyes shot open at his boldness and I had to smile knowing that he was letting himself go with the flow.

Pulling away from him slightly but still in his arms, I said, “David, I hate to put cold water on this parade but I just don’t feel the connection with you that I was hoping to feel. I really wish that I did because you are a great guy and deserve someone that will feel the same way as you do.”

“That’s nice of you to say, and I appreciate your honesty although I wished that you’d have this revelation after we slept together. You have a rocking body and I just wanted the opportunity to show you how much I like you.” He almost had me with that remark and I was this close to throwing caution to the wind and taking him to bed.
Better judgment won out in the end and I had him drive me home.

At the door he said, “Last chance to see what you’ll be missing.” I smiled at his attempt to get into my panties.

“I am sure that I will be missing a lot but I just don’t feel the same way. I really wish that I did, David.”

“Well then, Emily, if you are off the market for me, where does that leave me?”

“I have a couple of friends that would go ape shit just for a chance to corrupt your mind or I also have some nice girls that I could introduce you to, your choice.” He placed his two hands together like a pancake to indicate that he would like the best of both worlds. It was a tall order that he was asking for, but it wasn’t an impossible one. “I’ll see what I can do, David. Now get out of here before I forget that I’m a lady with morals.” He smiled and high-tailed it out of there as I stared at his tight ass from my vantage point. It was almost enough for me to run after him but I held back hoping that bigger things were in my future.