Private Emotions – Invitations (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (9 page)

Ronnie excused herself to use the toilet which left me alone with Mark. “Emily, I am so glad that you decided to accept Ronnie’s offer to come on this holiday with us. I have been concerned about you and I know that I hurt you but believe me when I say that there was nothing sinister behind my motives.”

“Mark, all is forgiven. I might have not liked the way you went about in helping me but I know that your heart was in the right place and Ronnie wouldn’t have gone along with it if she thought it was a bad idea. Let’s just say that I’m glad that you did what you did and let’s just put it all behind us.”

“Thanks, Emily, I’m not sure if I would be so forgiving but that’s what makes men and women from different planets, right?”

“That is an apt way of describing this Mark but I think that both sexes are easy to figure out especially if you have the right information to help guide your way through the minefield.”

“Now that we are back in good graces, why don’t you tell me how things are going with, Ethan. He’s my best friend, you know, and I wouldn’t trust anyone with you, but him.”

“He’s been an interesting addition to my life and I am hoping that things will only get better with time. It’s still early days so we can only wait and see I suppose.”

“Okay, if that is the case then I am happy for the both of you, Em.” The relief on his face was clear from his slight smile. It was nice to have my two best friends back in my life.

I went back up to my room after leaving Ronnie and Mark and I found Ethan sleeping soundly in the bed even though it was only 10 PM. Softly, I got undressed and crawled in behind him with his body against mine.

In the morning, he never mentioned the locket or anything that happened at suppertime and was purposely keeping me at an arm’s distance. He was treating me like just a friend and was going out of his way not to show me any sort of loving gesture, probably thinking that I was going to get the wrong idea.

We had an early flight and were soon in the air with the elephant sitting in the plane next to us. We tried to engage Ethan into a conversation but he only nodded his head and didn’t say much of anything the whole way back home. When we dropped him off at his house, he turned to me and almost leaned in for another kiss goodbye. He thought better of it and instead just kissed me on the cheek like my grandmother would when I came to visit. He shook his head as he carried his luggage into his condominium. It was obvious that he was struggling with something deep inside himself. I looked down at the locket and realized I still loved it even though it had caused a bit of a rift between us because he couldn’t admit what giving it to me meant. I would still treasure it, knowing that for a brief moment his defenses had crumbled to allow himself to purchase it for me.

Chapter Five
Ethan’s Dilemma

I still didn’t know how it happened but something had changed between Ethan and me. Now I had this special locket to remind me of how deeply he felt for me in a moment of vulnerability. That vulnerability lasted until Ronnie and Mark had teased him about his feelings and suddenly it was like a light switch that went off and he immediately reverted to being the teacher and me, the student.

We had been back from the trip for a couple of days now and I hadn’t heard anything at all from Ethan which told me that he was purposely staying away. He was probably thinking that if I was out of sight then I would be out of mind. Maybe it was possible that I was wrong and that what I saw in his eyes during the trip was just a mirage. Something that I hoped was happening but really wasn’t, and now he wasn’t comfortable with being around me. Despite all the emotional turmoil that had occurred during the trip, I had enjoyed myself immensely and just wished that he could see what was right in front of his face. If he wasn’t man enough to grasp onto the fact that he had feelings for me then it wasn’t my place to throw it in his face.

Despite my current situation with Ethan Sterling, I woke up in the most fantastic mood because my favorite cousin, Matthew, was stopping over for one night in the city. He delayed his connecting flight by a day so that he could visit me. It had been three years since we got together because he was always busy jetting off to some part of the world with his IT consultancy business. Matthew was a loving but matter-of-fact type of guy who did not suffer fools gladly. He was honest and direct both in his work and with his advice. He always believed that lasting relationships were based on being totally honest with each other. Matt would be a good person to blow a bit of fresh air onto my present predicament. I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of seeing him again. Tonight was going to be a late one but I was looking forward to it. Nothing was going to get me down today and I made my way to work with a spring in my step.

“Matt, I insist that you stay with me. I refuse to let my favorite cousin stay at a hotel and besides, dinner AND breakfast is on the house if you say yes.”

“Now that’s an offer no man can refuse, Em. I’ll be at yours around 8PM. Would that be okay?”

“Absolutely! That will give me enough time to have everything sorted before you arrive and that includes a FANTABULOUS desert! How’s that for a welcome present?” Matt was very much like me in that respect, we loved our deserts.

“Hhaaaahaa. I see nothing has changed, Em. You had your own vocabulary as a child and you still have your own vocabulary today. You give the word ‘unique’
a whole new meaning and I mean a whole new meaning.”

“Whatever do you mean?” I asked in my most innocent voice.

“Well, let’s just say that you wouldn’t find FANTABULOS in any dictionary that I know. Anyway, see you tonight.”

There was this little bakery close to my work place that had the most salacious strawberry torte that just melted in your mouth, a definite favorite of Matt’s. It was almost 6 PM and the bakery would close in a few minutes so I would have to hurry if I was going to make it there in time before they locked up. There was only one person in the bakery and he had his back towards me but there was something familiar about him that began nagging at me while I was standing there waiting for my turn.

“There you go, the last strawberry torte.”

“Excuse me? Did you just say that was the last strawberry torte you had?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, it was the last one and I just sold it to this gentleman here. Is there anything else that you might want besides the strawberry one? I have a nice blueberry one that is very good and happens to be one of my best sellers.”

“That sounds good but I really had my heart set on the strawberry one, and wanted to share it with someone that hadn’t had the fortune of having one himself. I guess if the blueberry one is the only one you have left then I will...”

The man spoke up and said, “That won’t be necessary because I would be happy to let you have mine in place of the blueberry one that you were going to get instead.” Ethan turned around and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t realize that it was him standing in front of me. It was that damn derby hat that he had on his head that was messing with my instincts and now I was tongue-tied with what to say to a man that was keeping me from seeing him.

“I...I...don’t know what to say.”

“Just say thank you and we can leave it at that.” He was waving off his good deed like it was nothing and I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. In my mind it was a big deal and it was again showing that he had a soft spot that was growing before my eyes. “Please, it is my pleasure to be of assistance, Emily, and all I ask is that you tell me how the dessert goes over...with your date.” He was fishing and had dropped his line hoping to catch a big one. Seeing that he was waiting for an answer, I decided that two could play at that game.

“What if it was a date? How would you feel about it?

Stumbling over his words, he said, “Oh...I don’t care...I was just asking that’s all. Well, is it a date or not?”

I couldn’t keep him in the dark any longer. “It’s not a date but it could’ve been, especially considering that you haven’t been in touch since we got back from the ski holiday.”

“I’m just busy, Em.” Usually he was charming and self-assured but this time he was acting like a little boy, looking at his feet and unable to make eye contact with me.

“Okay, don’t be a stranger then.” He nodded his head but still couldn’t look at me. He shuffled back and forth on his feet. I left him there, took my torte and drove off in frustration with how he was acting. I just didn’t get men but I was about to see a man who happened to be my favorite cousin. He might be able to shed some light on his behavior.

Sitting at a red light, Ethan rolled up beside me and he snuck glances in my direction, trying hard to not let me know that he was looking at me. I honked my horn and he pretended to turn in surprise and then waved at me. For a man that I hadn’t seen in a few days, I was now seeing him twice in one day. Did it mean anything or was it just a huge coincidence that I was reading too much into? He peeled off at the next intersection even though his condo was in the opposite direction. It was possible that he was going to visit someone or it was more likely that he was following me and didn’t want me to know it.

I got home and gave the apartment a quick tidy up in honor of my special guest. I put on one of my favorite tunes, made a cup of coffee and started to prepare dinner in anticipation of Matt’s arrival. Matt loved his steak and potatoes so I made sure that I picked out the best cut of beef at the butchers. While everything was simmering nicely, I hopped into the shower and then got myself presentable.

Just as I was finished setting the table I heard a knock on my door. “Open up, Em, it’s your one and only cousin on the other side.” I flung the door open and gave Matt the biggest hug ever.

“Matt! It’s so good to see you. It has been way, way too long.” I could see that he felt the same way. He lifted me in a tight embrace and as he arched backward I felt my feet leave the ground.

“Emily! How the devil are you, girl?”

“Much better now that you are here. Come on in please. Dinner is practically finished and I already opened the wine with two glasses waiting on the table for us.” I took his coat, led him into the kitchen and indicated where he could put his.

“Wow, Em. That smells amazing.”

“Just for you and only you. I did your favorite steak and potatoes combo but I also made us some vegetables in a garlic sauce and a side salad. You need to have some veggies in there or are you still averse to anything green?” He smiled at my comment knowing that I had always gotten him out of trouble with his mom by eating his vegetables for him when she was not looking.

“Hhhaaahaaa. I have changed, Em, but not on that point. I’ll try the vegetables but pass on the salad. How people can honestly say they enjoy that rabbit food is beyond me!”

“I’ll make a deal with you, Matt. If you eat all your vegetables then you get to have desert.”

“That depends on what’s for desert.” He looked at me with questioning eyes waiting for a description of what was to come.

“You get to find out only after you have eaten all of your veggies.” We laughed at the childishness of our behavior and sat down to a lovely meal. We had a lot of catching up to do and Matt filled me in on all of his business trials, travel adventures and life as a married man to his wife of three years, Lisa.

“Goodness, I have not seen you guys since the wedding! Time really isn’t waiting these days, is it? Well on that note, the moment that we have been waiting for is finally here, dear cousin!” As I passed him the dessert I remembered how Ethan had allowed me to have my first choice at the bakery.

“...and that was it, Em...Em?” My mind had wandered and I missed a bit of what he had said. “Okay, so are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

Matt was always good at knowing when something was bothering me but it was pretty clear that these days only one thing, or should I say person, was causing me grief. “There is this man that I have been seeing for a while. I haven’t seen him in a few days. Today though, I saw him twice. He was in the bakery when I got there and then he followed me to a red light, and now I have to wonder just what the hell is going on with him.”

“Look, I’m a man and I can tell you that we may not be an easy lot to understand but we do have our ways of communicating that gets our point across. From what you tell me, I would say that him being at the bakery was just a fortunate coincidence but him following you is a telling sign that he needs to see you, even though he probably doesn’t even know it.”

“So then why is it so hard for you men to open up and talk to us about what you’re feeling?”

“It most likely stems from a long line of male figures who taught us that sharing our emotions made us weak somehow. It was the same for me until Lisa told me to stop all the crap and just tell her how I was feeling. It takes a strong woman to make us talk about anything more than work, sports and sex. Lisa was one of those women that made me see being vulnerable and open wasn’t a bad thing.”

“Okay, that’s great for you and Lisa but where does that leave me and Ethan?”

“It looks like you are getting to him but with any strong man there are many layers that have to be peeled back before getting to the emotional center. I am not saying to let him walk all over you or wait on him forever, absolutely not, but you cannot rush someone into feeling anything for you, Em.”

“I know that I should be patient with him but that patience is wearing thin and I was hoping that we would be far more connected now and be able to share things with each other as a couple. I am beginning to see that this is something that will not happen.”

“Maybe he has suffered a loss that he is dealing with and you don’t even know it?”

“That’s the thing, Matt. I do know what his loss is but he is not aware that I know about the death of, who I believe was his first love, Henrietta. She died in Berlin in a car crash and he has locked his heart away ever since.”

“Time heals all wounds, Em, and maybe you have to talk to him about the loss that he had in his life and then maybe he can let you in. It might be time that you reveal that to him and finally lay all the cards on the table.” Matt was telling me everything that I needed to know and having his no-bullshit male perspective was definitely a saving grace. It was nice to know that I could talk to him and get some good insight into the male mind. It was starting to feel like I was walking through a minefield and one wrong step would make my relationship with Ethan blow up in my face. “You have to show him that he is safe so he will tell you anything. The only way to do that is to let him know that you know about his loss and that just might be the catalyst to encourage him to drop his defenses.”

“That is going to take him by surprise and it might make him think that I pitied him, Matt. It could backfire and undo all the work that I had already accomplished with him.”

“It’s a risk but with anything in life a little risk can go a long way.” Matt had given me a lot to think about and now I would have to make a huge decision in my quest to gain the trust of the man that I was falling for. I then showed Matt the locket and told him how Ethan had bought it for me, and how Ronnie and Mark had teased him when he presented it to me at supper.

A knowing smile came over his face and he said, “You have to realize that most men have fragile egos and don’t like being put in a pressure cooker. With a combination of that and the loss of his first love, it’s a wonder that he didn’t just go screaming into the night never to be seen from again. I’m surprised that after that there wasn’t a human-shaped hole in the door with how fast he was making his escape. Now it’s up to you to make things right and give him a reason to show his inner-self.”

“Wow. I’m so glad that you came here tonight. You have given me a lot of information in such a short period of time but everything that you told me makes perfect sense to me now.” We sat and talked for quite some time and then I saw that it was now the early hours of the morning. I prepared the sofa for him by putting on clean sheets and grabbing a couple of extra pillows from my bed. “There you go, all nice and comfortable. I hope that you will not be too tired for the rest of your trip?”

“Nonsense, I would not pass on the opportunity to see my FANTABULOUS cousin.” He chuckled to himself at the thought of my ridiculous word.

“And don’t you forget it, Sparkie.” I gave him a warm hug and then went to bed for a few hours of sleep myself.

Matt was much more of a morning person than I was so he started breakfast before I had time to be the perfect hostess. “Hey, that’s my job. You’re the guest, remember?” He just grinned knowing very well that I would struggle to get out of bed on time. Breakfast turned out to be his famous French toast and the smell of it took me back to our childhood days when the family would holiday together. It was incredible how certain smells could instantly bring a forgotten memory to the forefront of the mind.

I walked with him down the stairs to the taxi already waiting to take him to the airport. We hugged for a long time and he kissed me goodbye and promised to keep in contact more frequently. As I was still in his arms, the sound of squealing tires interrupted us. We both turned and looked down the road to see a large vehicle moving quickly away from the area. We looked at each other and then shrugged not knowing what was going on. I waved to Matt as his taxi drove off and I hoped that it would not be another three years before we saw each other again.

I got a message from Ethan on my answering machine saying, “I’m coming over later this evening after I get out of a few meetings. I have something for you that you’ve probably been looking for.” I had no idea what he was talking about because I couldn’t recall missing anything but my heart leapt at the thought of seeing him again. This was an infatuation and it was making me fall for this man in the worst way possible. There was nothing I could do about how I felt and now I had to see if he was feeling the same. Matt’s advice about letting him know that I knew about Henrietta was making me nervous, so much so, that I had to call my therapist and have her talk me down.

“Emily, this is not going to be easy but if you pull off the Band-Aid slowly, then it might be easier for him to swallow what you’re going to feed him.”

Again, my therapist was a godsend and it made me feel that I could do this without doing too much harm. It was fast approaching the time that he was going to arrive and I needed a stiff drink to calm myself down and get my nerves under control. I poured myself a glass of red and turned on some soothing music. The knocking on the door made me jump out of my seat and I went over and opened it to see him standing there with a cell phone charger in his hand.

“Bet you’ve been looking for this for some time? You left it at my place when we had dinner with Sophie.” Taking the thing into my hands, I looked at it with confusion and realized that it wasn’t mine at all.

“Um, I hate to tell you this but it isn’t mine. I’m glad that you came over as we have a lot to talk about”. Motioning for him to come in, he was hesitant but eventually he moved forward into my apartment. I took his coat, led him by the hand over to the sofa and sat beside him. “Would you like to have some red wine?”

“Sure, that would be nice.” I poured him a glass of red.

“I know that this is just an agreement between us but I think there is more here than meets the eye. I need to tell you something but you have to promise me that you won’t get angry and go storming out before I finish what I have to say.”

“I don’t like being told what to do but for you I will make an exception. Just tell me what you need to say and we’ll go from there.” Ethan looked unsettled and a bit uncomfortable to be with me in my apartment, like someone about to lose control. Maybe it was a façade and he was playing mind tricks on me like he did during our holiday escapade.

“I think you have some emotional scarring that maybe stems from the loss of your love, Henrietta. Yes, I know about her. I was hoping that you would trust me enough to share that with me but I guess it was too painful for you to do that.” After hearing me out, his body language told me that he had shut down. He was rigid and unmoving as his anger simmered under the surface. Instead of yelling or screaming, he just sat there and listened to me. “You’ve been through a lot and now your heart is closed off from ever feeling anything again. Maybe you need to get some therapy as I have found that it can really help you find yourself and deal with all your emotional baggage.”

“I don’t like that you know this about me and I think I’m going to have a chat about boundaries with Sophie. That being said, I have my own connections in the therapeutic world and I would appreciate you staying out of my business. This arrangement between the two of us is nothing more than a business transaction and I think I’m going to leave before I say something I regret.” He got up and crossed the room in a huff. I went over to him and crossed my arms around him from behind, hoping that he would see that I cared for him and only wanted the best for his well-being.

Hands touched my hands and his shoulders sagged as I felt him soften. His fingers entwined around mine and then he turned and brought the palm of my hand up to his mouth to give it a kiss. There was a tear in his eye. I imagined that he was thinking about Henrietta and the effect that her loss had on his life. We hugged and I felt him shudder against me until he pulled away and lifted me up around his waist. Our lips kissed hotly as he carried me to the kitchen counter.

Kissing me deeply, he moved his hands over my breasts making my nipples come to attention as they poked against my shirt. My buttons came undone and then his hands were on me, pulling my panties down my legs and onto the floor. Lifting me off the counter, he placed me on the table and pulled me towards him with his manly essence protruding from the zipper of his pants. Driving himself forward, he took my breath away and he kept going until he was all the way in me with one stroke. He took my face in his hands and kissed me as he moved in a quick motion that had me gasping for breath. Each of his thrusts caused the legs of the table to shake on its foundation.