Private Emotions – Invitations (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (11 page)

The phone rang beside me and I snatched it up before I had the chance to compose myself. The email was still flashing, making it difficult to concentrate on the phone call that I had just received.

“Emily, are you there? I can hear breathing on the other end.”

“I’m...here.” My voice sounded hoarse and I stumbled over my words. I choked back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

“Emily, I just want to apologize for how I acted the last time. I really don’t know what came over me.”

“Okay...th..anks.”

“Um, I was wondering if I could make it up to you by having a meal at that restaurant I took you to...you know the place...Au Chanté. You know they have the best chocolate desserts that will have you fighting your own mother just for another taste. It’s my way of trying to make amends and to tell you that I’m enjoying our time together.”

“That’s great...but...I...really (sob) don’t...think...” Hanging up on him was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life but I just couldn’t let him hear how this news was turning me inside out. The last thing that I needed was his pity on top of everything else. The phone rang incessantly over the next five minutes and I knew that Ethan wasn’t ready to let it our conversation end. I pulled the phone plug which brought a silence into the room that I desperately needed at that time. The ticking of the clock was the only other sound I heard in the room and it was almost like
medieval torture
.

With each passing minute, I re-read the email over and over again as it took time for me to grasp the facts that were staring me in the face. I must have sat there for at least half an hour staring at the screen in shock. Suddenly, I heard rushed footsteps approaching my apartment and then a cacophony of strikes on the wood of the door.

“Emily. I came as fast as I could. Open up! I know that something is bothering you and I hope it wasn’t anything I said that caused you distress.” He pounded on the door with so much force that I could feel the vibration of it all the way into the living room. “Open this door, Emily, or I swear I break it down. Emily! EMILY!”

Angry, upset and railing with a medley of emotions I flung the door open and said, “How dare you think that everything that goes on with me is about you. Did it ever occur to your little brain that maybe I was going through something that I have to deal with on my own? Of course it didn’t, BECAUSE YOU ARE A TYPICAL MAN WITH NO REGARD BESIDES WHAT’S GOING ON BELOW YOUR WAIST.” I hadn’t even realized that I had raised my voice, or began to point my finger into his chest until I totally went off on him, slapping his chest and blabbering like a complete moron.

He grabbed my hands and held them against him while I cried and let my raw emotions escape. Ethan closed the door behind him and we both fell to our knees right there in my hall. I didn’t have the strength to keep standing. He didn’t try to talk to me. He just held me and let me cry it out until there were no more tears in my body to produce. Finally, I sat down at the computer and read aloud the email.

‘Emily, we weren’t sure that we should be bothering you with this but you have been a big part in our daughter’s young life. Kelly spoke kindly of you and how much you were there for her during her cancer ordeal. I regret with all my being to tell you that our daughter succumbed to her illness just last night. I know that this comes as quite a shock. We were all under the impression from the doctors that we had more time before the end. We are having a funeral for our baby tomorrow morning at dawn, just when the sun rises. It was her wish that you be there to celebrate her life and not mourn it. If you can come, you are more than welcome to do so but if you feel that it is too painful, we would certainly understand. Julia and Scott.’

“I am so sorry, Emily, I...can you tell me a little about Kelly and what she meant to you, Emily?”

“She was a little girl that I met a couple of times before I accidently found out that she had cancer. I have been visiting her for some time now and had grown very fond of her. She was so easy to love, Ethan. For a young girl, she knew that her time was limited but she did everything in her power to rise above her illness that was slowly eating her alive. We became very close and she confided in me. She told me things that she didn’t even tell her parents because most of her fears were how she would make them feel after she was gone. She told me how hard all of this was for her parents and she knew that they were putting on a brave face for her. I told her that she shouldn’t be concerned about anyone but herself but that wasn’t the kind of person that she was. She was always going above and beyond to make her parents believe that she was going to beat this thing.”

“But she knew better, didn’t she?”

“Yes, she knew that her life was draining with every chemotherapy session and it was her wish that she could just be a normal little girl for whatever remained of her life. I took it upon myself to show her a world that she had forgotten. We played games and dressed up dolls just so she would have a semblance of a real childhood. I was going to visit her tomorrow and sneak in some strawberry ice-cream. It was her favorite flavor but the nurses would not allow me to...” I couldn’t finish my sentence; the memory of her was just too painful. The thought of Kelly eating strawberry ice-cream, the same flavor that I had bought for her the first day we met at the park was still clear in my mind. “They want me to go to a sunrise funeral and I just don’t think I can do that.”

“You may not be able to do that alone but you’re not alone. I will be happy to take you to Kelly’s funeral. You owe it to yourself as well as to her to attend and find that closure that you need to move on. I can tell that you love with all your heart and that is nothing to be scared of, it is to be admired considering everything that you have gone through.” Ethan didn’t even know Kelly but he was willing to put that aside and take me to the funeral so that I could pay my respects to one of the bravest kids that I had ever met. It was a gallant thing to do and I needed his strong shoulders to carry me through this or I would surely be a mess.

The next day at 5 AM, I was sitting in Ethan’s car. He was dressed in black for the occasion while I was dressed in pink, Kelly’s favorite shade of pink. I was going to be making some kind of splash, or so I thought.

We drove into the lot and found that the funeral was being held just as the sun barely peeked above the trees. I got out and Ethan helped me to stand on my jelly feeling legs. He guided me up the hill and into the arms of those who Kelly loved. The first thing that I noticed was that all the men were impeccably dressed in black suits while the women had taken a cue from Kelly and were all dressed in frilly pink dresses.

Passing by everyone, I came to face Julia. She grabbed me and said, “Kelly will be very happy to see that you made it, Emily. I know that this is hard for all of us but we know that you had a very special spot in her heart, right up to the end. I think she would love that you spoke a few words, if you think you can.” I nodded my head and walked to the front overlooking the entire crowd of people.

Just breathe, Emily, just breathe. “I wish I had all the answers but I don’t and I doubt that anyone could at this time. The priest will say that it’s dust to dust but I think that is not enough for a spirit such as Kelly’s. She was one of a kind. She had a love of life that couldn’t be denied. Her parents thought that she was strong and although her strength surpassed her age, she knew that her life would shortly be extinguished from this earth. The funny thing is that she wasn’t scared for herself but more for her parents and what this was going to do to them. So in memory of what made Kelly happy, which was to see other people happy, let’s not mourn for her loss but celebrate the person that she was and will continue to be as she lives on in our hearts.” Taking my hand, I looked down to see that Ethan was now standing by my side.

The sun rose over the trees and rays of light bounced off her silver coffin, creating a light show for everyone. It was almost like Kelly had purposely set this up from heaven and if I knew her as well as I thought I did, then it was possible that she did. I could almost see her looking down on us from above with a smile that would light the way for the rest of us.

The light on Kelly’s coffin gave one last performance and then it was gone just as fast as it began. Everyone talked for a bit and then we all went our separate ways. There was no way that I was going to go to the wake but they strong-armed me into it and I had to spend all day listening to them tell stories about Kelly.

“We don’t have to stay for long you know and I doubt that they would notice that you left,” Ethan whispered softly into my ear. He held my hand to let me know that whichever decision I made he would support me.

“I know that what you are saying is probably true but I just can’t seem to make my feet leave. Let me say my farewells and then you can take me home.” He nodded his head and waited for me to finish the rounds, then took me out to the car and drove away from the house.

I looked back at the house one last time. Even though I would keep in contact with Julia and Scott it would not be the same. Kelly was the glue that held us together and now we were all without her.

The day was short and soon the stars shone above us as we drove home. I just stared at them wondering which one was Kelly. I hoped in my heart of hearts that she was finally at peace and with the people she loved...in a place where there was no more pain and lots of strawberry ice-cream.

It all seemed so senseless and uncaring for God to do such a thing but I knew that she was in a better place and that there is a plan for all of us, whether we understood it or not. Ethan helped me to the door of my apartment, took me into his arms and carried me to the bedroom. He sat me down on the mattress and began to undo the buttons that held me together.

He filled the bath and added some oils to the warm water then returned to the bedroom where I sat as motionless as ever. He continued to slowly undress me and the flimsy material of my dress effortlessly slid off my frame. He touched the straps of my bra, looking at it as if he was seeing it for the first time and grazed his lips gently on my shoulder. It was not long before I was completely naked and in his arms as he gently placed me in the bath.

He used my bath sponge to squeeze the water over my exposed areas and rub my body as if he was trying to wipe away all the sadness that I was feeling inside. He hadn’t said a word and allowed me the time that I needed to make peace with my thoughts.

I felt myself being lifted out of the bath, dried off and placed on the bed. I could see the fire burning in his eyes, the desire of wanting me with all of his might but he kept his distance.

He sat on the bed next to me and began to stroke my hair. I couldn’t take this anymore. The pain of losing Kelly started to overwhelm me again. I need to forget, I needed Ethan. “I need you, Ethan, please make love to me.” As he looked into my eyes, I saw something akin to love and he began to kiss me softly. Seeing that I wasn’t resisting, he moved slowly downward, until his mouth arrived at my nipples.

He abruptly stopped himself as if he suddenly remembered the vulnerability of my situation and walked out of the bedroom towards the front door. I heard the sound of his footsteps, and then silence, almost as if he had stopped in the middle of the hall. I didn’t follow him and remained motionless on the bed. I head his footsteps again but they were getting louder. He stood at the door to my bedroom not saying a word, not knowing what to do. He moved toward the bed and sat beside me. The smell of his cologne numbed my senses. I knew that I needed him now more than ever. I whispered his name, “Ethan.”

All thoughts except the pleasure that he was giving me was washed away as he brought my nipples to full attention again. He pulled his clothes off slowly, giving me time to really appreciate his body next to mine. His kisses became more fervent and his tongue battled with mine until I was moaning into his mouth. I allowed him to take me away from all of it, even if it was only for a little while.

His mouth moved further down, until his tongue slid into my interior. It took my breath away and made me close my eyes tightly.