Private Emotions – Invitations (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (15 page)

I glanced at the door down the hall from mine, apartment 309 and the memories instantly came flooding back. Will I ever be able to rid myself of this longing feeling for a man who was just not available? I shook off the trance that my mind was spiraling into and closed the door behind me.

My phone rang the moment that I entered my apartment and I froze on the spot when I read on the caller ID that it was Ethan trying to reach me again. I just was not ready to face him yet. I needed time to figure out if we had anything worth holding on to, if I wanted to hold on to it and most importantly, if I could feel this way about someone else. I could not make those decisions with the sound of his voice fresh in my mind so I reluctantly allowed his call go to voicemail.

The next date came in the form of a setup from someone at work. Richard was in town to scout new locations for a film project and his sister told him about me. He stated that he wanted to meet me but I needed to visit him on the set since he was way too busy to leave. That should’ve been my first clue that things were going to go badly but I decided to see where the winds took me.

I went over to the set and I was impressed with the production’s star power. One of the main actors was an idol of mine who made me gaga in his presence.

Richard had me brought to his office on the corner of the lot and he offered me a drink before we left on the date. “Here this should take the edge off and unwind you a little, maybe even loosen those tight buttons on that blouse.” He was eying me like a prized steer and the drink tasted a little off so I put it down. “Go ahead and drink the whole thing, it won’t bite...much.” His leer was unsettling and I got up to leave. I suddenly felt my knees shake and the room began to spin. Everything was a haze but I had the semblance of mind to see a bad situation when I saw it.

I stumbled out of his office and bumped into my idol. He hurriedly ferried me out of there and into his trailer where he gave me a cup of coffee from his own personal stash.

“Here drink this. It will help take the edge off of what you just had. I hope you did not have much of what was offered to you?”

“No, no. I just had a sip but it was still strong enough to make me feel woozy.” I cursed myself for being such a fool. Once again I did not pay attention to my intuition.

The door flung open and his wife said, “See, I told you honey, that producer was no good but you wouldn’t listen to me. Why is it you men never listen?”

“I know, at least I didn’t sign anything yet. I’m going to pull out and tell anyone who listens that they should do the same thing. Let’s take this young lady back home and then we can come back here and you can take some liberties with him.”

“That, my dear, would be my pleasure.”

I woke up the next day with a major headache and found out on the news that my date was in the hospital with major damage to his lower extremities. It was no telling what would have happened had they not been there to intervene but I wasn’t going to let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch.

The next couple of days were manic at the shop. Clients came in non-stop and business was good. When I returned home I was surprised to see a note that was slipped under my apartment door. I recognized the handwriting immediately and my heart skipped three beats as the thought of him took my mind hostage.

‘Emily. Please do not ignore me. I am still not sure why you are so upset. I have always said that anytime you felt uncomfortable all you had to was to say so. Can we at least meet to agree on what went wrong? Ethan.’

I felt a bitter-sweet feeling reading his note. All I wanted to do was to pick up the phone and invite him to come over for a while but I still was not ready to face him. A big part of me was holding on to my anger and disappointment over his lack of understanding of who I was. I knew what we had was a business arrangement but I just could not help how I felt about him, nor did I want to. I hoped that he would have the same feelings towards me but I was so very wrong. If only I could meet someone who made me feel just a fraction of how Ethan made me feel then I could end our agreement...or could I? I crumpled the note and threw it in the trash.

The next date was a man that I bumped into at the coffee line. I had spilled hot espresso over his shirt and he had just shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

“Let me at least have it dry cleaned for you. I was the one who bumped into you, remember?”

“No, that’s fine, but if you were to go out with me this evening then I would call it even.” He was handsome in a preppy sort of way and I could almost see the ascot that should’ve been around his neck. I agreed to the date and he said that he would call me this evening.

That night he rolled up in a red Porsche that made me think he was compensating for some other shortcoming. He opened my door for me and we drove to a house that oozed family money. The exterior of the house was immaculately kept. He escorted me to the door and we waited to be allowed entry.

He whispered under his breath, “This will show them that I’m ready to take the mantle of power.” His father opened the door and gave me the once over and punched his son in the arm, in a way of approving of his date.

“That is what I’ve been telling you, son, to find a woman that is not just after your money.” What the hell was that supposed to mean?

“Jack, I don’t like the fact that you are using me to get one over on your family.”

“Just shut up and go with it and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“NO, I WILL NOT FEEL LIKE A WHORE JUST SO YOUR FAMILY WILL ACCEPT SOMEONE YOU BRING HOME. YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED FOR WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO HERE. CALL ME A CAB, I’M LEAVING AND I DON’T WANT YOU FOLLOWING ME.”

“I like her, son. She’s got spunk but she’s way too good for the likes of you.”

“Amen to that.”

“Wait, just a second, I was going to give you a nice stipend for your help and also throw you the bone to make it all go down nice and easy.”

(SLAPPPP!)
I slapped him hard across the face and walked away with the sting of his face on the palm of my hand. I had never slapped a man before but somehow Jack made that reaction easy. The cab soon arrived and the father stayed with me the whole time admonishing his son for his behavior. I was not overly impressed by him either as his earlier comment was not exactly a compliment.

“Be well, dear girl, and once again, apologies about my son’s horrid behavior.” He opened the door for me to get in and as the cab pulled away, I just kept thinking that all guys couldn’t possibly be this bad. Ethan Sterling couldn’t be the last man on earth who could make me feel this way. At least David was a kind soul but he just didn’t cause the butterflies in me that I needed, not like Ethan did.

Ronnie was my one female sounding board that I was willing to take the risk and talk to about what was going on.
“Ronnie, he actually thought that I was just going to let an orgy sweep me away like I was just a common slut to be used.”

“Em, you know that you are my dearest friend and I will always have your back but this is one time where I must disagree with you. You may not have appreciated the situation that Ethan chose but he would never think of treating you like a slut, it is not who he is. Was he actually expecting you to join in or just look on? Did he say that you had to stay until the end? It seems to me that a few assumptions were made and although you have every right to be angry, have you given thought to the reason that he chose to take you there? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that he made a wise choice but if it were me, apart from being raging mad, I would still want to know why.” That was the one thing that I could count on Ronnie for, she was always honest with me even when our points of view were different.

“I do hear all that you have said, Ronnie, but I think that I am more hurt and disappointed than angry. Ethan and I have shared so much and maybe it is my own wishful thinking but I do feel that we have a connection. There were times, a few times, when he dropped his guard and I knew that he felt more. How much more he felt I could not say but I know it is not all a business arrangement.”

“I don’t know Ethan as well as Mark but didn’t you notice how defensive Ethan got when I started to tease him about you?”

“I thought that was because he did not want me to think that there was more to us than a business arrangement and you were putting him on the spot.”

“Perhaps. As I see it, it could be one of two things, either he does want to keep it all business or he is dealing with his own insecurities.”

“Ethan Sterling, insecure? Um, I don’t think so.” I knew we all had our insecurities in one form or another but I just could not associate that trait with a man like Ethan. He exuded confidence and oozed sophistication. “Even if Ethan had some feelings for me it wouldn’t matter because I know that he has strong feelings for Sophie and I can’t compete with her.”

“Emily, Ethan and Sophie are kindred spirits who have known each other for a very long time.”

“How am I supposed to compete with that kind of love?”

“They are not in love but they have been known to play with others. Her interest is in women. Threesomes with, Ethan, is one of her ways of finding a female that she can be herself with. They are just good friends and nothing more. I’m kind of surprised that I even have to tell you that.” If I didn’t have Barry as a friend it would have been difficult for me to understand the concept of having a friend of the opposite sex.

Ronnie was putting things into perspective for me and now it made sense why Sophie and Ethan were just into pleasuring me and not each other. I had totally misjudged their relationship and now it was all making sense from his standpoint. The party was just his way of trying to keep aloof and not allow his heart to rule his emotions. This was maybe just as scary for him as it was for me and I had gone off on him thinking that he didn’t know me. In fact, it was also the other way around. I didn’t know him as well as I professed I did.

His professional ethics was telling him that what he was feeling was breaking the rules and that he should just stay on course with me. I was still angry as hell but I couldn’t blame him totally for trying to bury that side of him, especially since his heart had taken a beating. “Ronnie, I really appreciate your advice and I will be sure to take everything you said to heart.”

“So, Em, are you going to tell me about David?” Fuck. Mark was in broadcasting mode. Shit.

“There is nothing to tell, Ronnie. I thought that I would give dating another go. David was the first of my dates and although he was really wonderful, the chemistry just was not there. Anyway I need to dash off now as I have my appointment with Susan shortly and I will definitely be late if I don’t leave now. Thanks for listening, hun. Bye.”

“And that’s it. So, doc, after everything that I’ve told you about the situation, what should I do or not do? I feel so frustrated about Ethan, and about my own feelings as well. I just think that I need a bit of ‘me’ time for a while.”

“I understand your trepidation and you should take the time that you need until you feel that it is right for you to let him into your life again. You should handle him with kid gloves when you are ready to approach him, otherwise he’ll balk at your advances and push you further into the category of just another job for him. If you really want something real with him then you have to find a way to get him to open up about what he’s feeling.”

“This isn’t exactly news, Doc, but it’s going to be like trying to break a rock with just your head.”

“Do what you can but make sure at the end of the day that you do what is right for you first. If you think that you need a break, then take it. If you think that you want to see him again then you must understand the complications that a man like Ethan may bring into the mix. Regardless of your decision, it has to be about how you feel and what you want, Emily. The better that you know yourself, the easier it will be for you to find your match.” I heard my mom’s words in her voice and thought about the story of the swans that I had pondered over that day on the river’s edge. It seemed like ages ago since that day. Goodness, that reminded me...I should give my mom a call when I got home.