Perfectly Shattered (17 page)

“What are you doing here?”

“I came on business. You know I planned to go into sales. I’m at a seminar for a couple of days.” She sounded so even, so sure of herself, which annoyed him.

“So, let me get this straight. In all the time I’ve been in Seattle, you never once called or wanted to see me. Now you happen to be here for a seminar and it’s convenient to get together. Something like that?”

Amber sighed. “I knew you’d be angry.”

“What am I supposed to feel? Huh? Answer me that?”

She spoke with a little more determination. “You have a right to be angry. But it wasn’t like that. Not like you think. I just want to talk. After all the time we were together, can’t you just give me a few minutes?”

His anger subsided, but not by much. It sounded like she’d only be in town a day or so. The sooner she left, the better. He was tempted to meet with her and see what she looked like now.

Or was it more? She’d dumped him, and maybe now he’d have the upper hand. His ego urged him to meet with her. A woman he’d wanted who had been taken from him asking to meet with him posed an opportunity that was hard to resist.

He’d meet with her. Once. To turn away completely from a woman he’d wanted so much, for so long, wasn’t in the cards. He had to see her. Even
he
couldn’t say why.

“I’ll take lunch at noon. Meet me at Chez Café in Belltown. It’s a popular one, easy to find.”

He hung up and went outside to cool off. Striding down the sidewalk, he wondered what he was getting into. Seeing an old girlfriend was probably not a good idea. But there was emptiness he’d felt for so long, a space he’d thought Amber could fill.

If only she’d called sooner instead of waiting. The years had changed him, yet he still felt drawn to her. Night after night, he’d dreamed of Amber coming back. It wasn’t that he thought he’d take her back. Not after what she did.

But she’d been a big part of his life, and she’d taken his heart. The damage had never been repaired. The hurt from his first love had stuck with him, still affected him, to that day. Not that he thought about it. If he’d thought about it at all, he had been convinced that part of his life was over.

But was it? Now that she was in the same city and he was going to see her, feelings that had stayed buried came to the surface. It was idealistic to think that, after all this time, Amber would step back into his life and all would be well.

He wasn’t that naïve. Or that forgiving. It wasn’t so much that Amber had chosen Robert over him. It was that she had done it behind his back. When he had thought they had a relationship that meant something, she’d ripped his heart to shreds.

It wasn’t going to happen again. Not with her. Not with anyone. Dating lots of women had been safe. There had been no possibility of falling for any woman. And no possibility of getting hurt. He didn’t need it.

Plenty of women were willing to share in carnal pleasures with him, so there was no need to put his heart on the line. Now, knowing he was going to see Amber again, all the pain of their breakup resurfaced.

He didn’t care about her, or so he’d convinced himself. Yet he wondered what it was going to be like seeing her again. No matter what, Bradan did not intend to let her get to him. She’d had her chance and blown it.

Less than two hours later, Bradan strode to the café entrance. Opening the door, he spotted her immediately. His first impression was that she hadn’t changed. Amber was familiar, a woman he knew very well.

At one time, he’d been closer to her than he’d ever been to any woman. He’d been young and innocent in the ways of love. His heart had swelled around her; he remembered how that felt. Infatuation. Now, seeing her alone in the lobby, his heart wrenched.

She’d matured; he could tell. Amber had always been a looker, but her figure had filled out, adding to her attraction. Though dressed casually, she had an air of confidence. No longer was she a girl from school. She was a woman.

“Amber?”

She turned to look at him and gave him a timid smile. “Bradan. It’s so good to see you.” Her long, dark hair fell in curls to her shoulders, and her pouty lips were accented with deep red lipstick. When she spoke, her big brown eyes showed emotion.

Bradan nodded, but had no intention of pretending like everything was okay. It definitely wasn’t. “Let’s get a table.”

They found a table along the wall about midway back. The place was fairly crowded. Amber ordered a vegan sandwich, and Bradan a pizza. It was surreal sitting across from her.

“How did you get my number?”

“A friend. You’ll be mad if I tell you who. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

“So, does Robert know you’re here?” Amber looked nice. But he still harbored so much resentment.

Amber looked down at her glass of water. “We broke up.”

Bradan sighed. “So you thought you’d look me up. I get it.”

“Bradan, stop. It’s not like that. Really.”

“Well, you tell me what it’s like, Amber. Because I’d really like to know.”

The waitress dropped off their Cokes without a word. Amber didn’t touch hers, just looked down at the table.

“Okay, Amber, you’re here. So say what you came to say.” Bradan was beginning to feel mean. He wasn’t giving her a break. Not that she deserved one.

Amber looked at him. “Can you just stop being mad for a minute? I know I hurt you. And I have never said I’m sorry. But I am sorry, Bradan. Very sorry.”

He took a gulp of his Coke and plunked the glass back onto the table.

“We were young then.”

Bradan looked away in disgust. “That’s your excuse? You were young?”

Tears filled Amber’s eyes, making him feel like as ass. “It’s not an excuse. I was in high school. I didn’t have everything figured out. Okay?”

Looking at her, Bradan didn’t want to be mad. But he was in agony, because things could have been so different. Seeing her again, it was clear why he’d fallen for her. Those big eyes and pouty lips. She’d always been a beauty.

“Okay.” Bradan bit his tongue, wanting to say more, but saw that she was hurting too.

“You were everything to me, Bradan.” She held up her hand to silence him. “I just wondered…what it would be like with someone else. I wondered if it was the right thing to be with you and never date others.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Bradan, you weren’t the type of guy that would talk about those things. You were so sure of everything. I didn’t want to wreck it.”

“But you did anyway.”

“I didn’t set out to do that. I met Robert and he was nice to me. He was just…different from you.”

Bradan watched her talk, and for the first time, allowed her sincerity to reach him. This was Amber. He’d known her all his life, or most of it. She was the same person he’d fallen for, the same person he’d wanted to live with.

How could things have changed so much?

Chapter 19

Plates of food were shoved in front of them, but Bradan hardly noticed. “So, what happened with Robert?”

“We were together for a while. He’s a nice enough guy. Even though I know you hate him.”

“Yeah, well, you got that right.”

“But we weren’t right for each other. That’s all.”

Bradan tried to absorb what was happening. “So, now that you broke up with Robert, you thought I might not be so bad?”

Amber shook her head. “You’re twisting my words. I came to clear things up. I am not a horrible person, Bradan, despite what you might think. I’ve always felt so terrible about what happened, but you left. I suppose I could have called sooner. But you have to understand, it took a lot of nerve to call you. I don’t think I was ready until now.”

He leaned back in his chair. Whatever he’d been fighting against before didn’t seem to exist anymore. Amber had matured. She was trying to talk some sense into him; he could see that. “I just don’t know if the hurt will ever go away.”

She bit her lower lip. “Maybe not. It’s been hard on me too. I know you think that I just went my merry way. But I missed you, Bradan. I’ve always missed you.”

How he had wanted to hear those words? She missed him. Bradan was torn. For so long, she had been the one woman who had his heart, and he would have given anything to get her back.

Now, he wasn’t sure how he felt. It was confusing. When she’d admitted she had missed him, a stab of emotion had pierced through his veil of indifference. If she was the one for him, this might be his chance. Life had reconnected them.

In the silence, they sipped their Cokes, but neither felt like eating. The café noise buzzed around them. Servers delivered plates to tables and whisked empty ones back to the kitchen. Time seemed to stand still.

The past merged with the present. Bradan’s eyes played tricks on him. He’d see Amber clearly for a moment, as the attractive woman she’d become. Then an image of her in high school would flash in his mind. He had trouble grabbing hold of the new Amber, and kept falling into old feelings.

The door to the café opened and two women entered. Bradan’s heart flip-flopped.
Shit
. It was Cami with Brittany. There was no way to escape; nowhere to go. Before he could have even moved to get up and dash out of sight, her eyes caught him.

Cami smiled big. He could tell she was glad to see him, and his heart swelled. Brittany waved and swept toward the table. Cami was just behind her.

Both Amber and Bradan looked up.

“Bradan.” The mere stating of his name was a question and a shock at the same time. Cami didn’t hide her feelings well, and he could tell she was barely holding back judgment. For all she knew, Bradan was having lunch with a client or co-worker. He squirmed in his chair, wishing that were the case.

“Hi, Cami…Brittany.” He was in the hot seat and there was no easy out. “This is Amber, an old friend of mine.” He tried to stress the
friend
part for Cami’s benefit. “Amber, this is Cami and Brittany.”

When he said “Amber,” the blood drained from Cami’s face. She didn’t even acknowledge the introduction. Just stared at Bradan, her green eyes showing the emotion she felt.

“Good to meet you,” Brittany said. Then Cami grabbed her arm and pushed her away from the table, farther into the restaurant.

“Good seeing you, Bradan,” Brittany called back.

His heart was in his stomach, and Bradan had no clue how to fix what had just happened. Nor did he know what to do with Amber. Exactly.

“I need some air,” he said abruptly. “If you aren’t going to eat, let’s get out of here.” Bradan stood, not daring to look back, and Amber followed him out of the restaurant.

*****

Cami was devastated. It had been a pleasant surprise to run into Bradan, but that had quickly faded when she found out who he was with. Slouched in a chair at a table in the back of the restaurant, she wrapped her arms around her chest.

“Do you know who that was?”

Brittany looked blank. “You mean Amber? Is she a coworker?”

Cami looked at her, unable to even react. She saw understanding dawn in her friend’s eyes.

“Oh, God. Not
the
Amber. The girl from Boston he was in love with? What’s she doing here?”

Cami shook her head. “I was wondering that too.”

“Oh, Cami, how terrible. Did you know he was going out to lunch?”

“No, not at all. He goes out with co-workers sometimes, and when I first saw her, that’s what I thought.”

“Yeah. I had no idea.”

The waitress came by and Brittany barked out, “Two Cokes, please.”

Holding back tears, Cami said, “Did you see her? How gorgeous she is? Those huge eyes.”

Brittany shook her head vehemently. “You’re making too much of it. You’re exaggerating. You are just as pretty.”

“Which is evidence that you are a true friend. But get real. I don’t stand a chance against her. No wonder he fell in love.” After thinking for a moment, Cami added, “And no wonder we are
just friends
.”

Brittany held up a hand. “Not the way I see it. You have sex. That’s more than friends.”

“Tell him that.”

“I know you’re upset, Cami. Believe me, I’d be livid if I were you. But it’s not hopeless.”

Between tears, Cami huffed in disgust. “It’s not? He lied to me! Yes, he told me about Amber. But he said it was over, that she was with some other guy. And then, behind my back, he’s having lunch with her. I’d say that’s pretty hopeless.”

Brittany had no instant reply.

“Amber was his first love. I’m second at best.” Cami wiped away tears with her napkin. “And now she is back in his life. If she was
ever
really history. You don’t compete with a woman that has his heart.”

Her friend rubbed her hands over her face in exasperation. “Yeah, you’re right. That is pretty hopeless.”

Any appetite she’d had was gone. Once the shock began to wear off, Cami felt ill. She might fool others about how she felt, even Bradan, but she couldn’t hide the truth from herself. He’d meant something to her, more than she had cared to admit.

And the prospect of a life without him was too much to face. Heavy grief pressed down, a burden she wasn’t equipped to face. Grief was familiar. And she knew it would crush her.

She tried to push away thoughts of the past, shove them down, out of her consciousness. But they wouldn’t go. The immense loss of Bradan brought the past back full force. She felt like a bug about to be crushed by an army boot.

It was a dangerous state of mind for her, and, grasping for rationality, Cami reached for some solution. Something to give her strength. Anything to save her from the pit she was falling into, despite her best intentions.

“Hey, Brittany. Let’s get out of here. I have to stop by the pharmacy and see if I can get an emergency refill.” She heard the desperation in her own voice and prayed she could get what she needed before it was too late. Cami knew how bad it could get, and the thought of sliding that far again brought knots of terror to her stomach.

*****

Once outside, Bradan felt marginally better. At least he wasn’t in the same café with Cami. He didn’t have to look at the hurt in her eyes, or feel her glaring holes in his back. It was a disaster, and worse, he had no clear idea of how to fix everything.