Perfectly Shattered (24 page)

“She sounded far away. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t be saying it. But she was. Nat was dead. He’d lost control of the vehicle on the snowy road and plowed into a tree. And in an instant…he was gone. He was gone forever, Bradan.”

Cami started to cry again. Between sobs, she said, “He will never come back. He’s gone. Nat is dead.”

Bradan held her tight and let her cry more. She’d needed to cry, and he wanted her to let it out. It was okay to feel. It was better to release the emotion she had suppressed for too long. Now he knew what had been destroying her from the inside.

He couldn’t imagine losing the one you love. Bradan thought of losing Cami, especially in that way. He didn’t know how he could possibly handle it. Finally, she had shared her grief with him. There was nothing he wanted more than to be close to her, protect her, and love her.

They sat that way for some time, and gradually the tears stopped. Bradan kept his arms around her, feeling her chest heave with the last of her sobs. He hardly knew what to say, but was relieved she’d told him.

Cami sat up. She touched Bradan’s cheek. “I never dared talk about it. The grief was so powerful I thought it would swallow me. I didn’t know how I’d survive it. All I could do was bury it. And I tried to.

“But when you came into my life, when I felt how I feel with you, it wouldn’t stay buried. It terrified me, and it felt like I was going to come apart. I didn’t know what would happen.

“Right after his death, my parents kept a close eye on me. The doctor said I was at risk for suicide. He was right. I didn’t want to live. I didn’t think I should have survived if he didn’t. I went crazy. Can you understand?”

Bradan kissed her lips. “You are strong, Cami. Very strong. It took a lot to tell me what you just did.”

She smiled, just barely, but enough to make Bradan’s heart swell. She was going to be okay. He was sure of it. Her eyes were swollen from so much crying, but Cami had never looked more desirable to him.

He wanted to tell her how he felt, but knew she needed time. Cami needed time to recover, and to get used to the idea of the love between them. She had all the time she wanted, because Bradan wasn’t going anywhere.

“Hungry?” he asked.

She shook her head. “Not really.”

He stood and took her hand to pull her up. “That’s great, because I know the perfect restaurant.”

Cami laughed softly, and it was music to his ears. Bradan wanted to see her smile and hear her laughter for the rest of his life. He wanted her to be happy. That was really the most important thing. It reminded him of what his father had said about
giving of yourself
. Before, he hadn’t known how to do that. But he was learning.

Chapter 27

They had their coats on, and the place he wanted to go wasn’t far. Bradan took her hand and headed out of the ravine toward the sidewalk. She glanced back at the parking lot.

“Fuck the car,” he said without looking. “It’s not far to walk.”

Having no intention of putting Cami in the passenger seat again, he had decided on a restaurant near the park. It was one he had been to before, and he hoped the gourmet food would be just the thing for her.

Late-morning clouds hung low in the sky, but there was no rain. The fresh air felt good, and he thought the walk would give Cami a chance to recover. God knows
he
needed it. Though he wouldn’t have had it any other way, it had still been difficult to hear about what had happened to Nat.

It wasn’t so much the occurrence, since he hadn’t known Nathaniel. It was watching Cami’s face as she told the story as she remembered it. Nat’s last words had been the same words Bradan had said to her the evening before.

No wonder she had freaked out. But now he knew, so Bradan could handle things accordingly. He intended to see Cami smiling again, and wanted to pull her from the past. Permanently. The goal of making her happy filled him with purpose.

She walked by his side, saying nothing. Once in a while, Cami glanced at the trees or the sky, which he took as a good sign. When they reached the city streets, it wasn’t far, but he kept to a leisurely pace. Bradan assumed the shock hadn’t fully worn off, and remained calm for her benefit.

Once inside the restaurant, he took Cami’s coat and hung it up with his. The server showed them to a table. The place was as cozy as he remembered, and they settled into their seats. Nuts and crackers were served while they reviewed the menu, and it didn’t escape his notice that Cami didn’t touch them.

After a few minutes, Bradan spoke, wanting to break the ice because Cami had been so quiet since the park. “So, what looks good?”

She looked up but didn’t smile. “You mean, what does a person recently traumatized, who has no appetite, want to eat?”

Cami hadn’t lost her sense of humor, even on such a stressful day. It was one of the things he loved about her. “Yes. Exactly. What will it be? Because you
are
eating.” He made sure to keep his voice light.

“They have cheese puffs. I normally like the flaky biscuits with the cheese inside. So that’s what I’ll order. But don’t be surprised if I don’t eat them.”

“We’ll see about that. I know you didn’t have breakfast, and it’s edging past lunch now.”

Cami fingered her napkin. “My stomach feels like it has lead in it.”

“Feeling that good, huh?” It was Bradan’s mission to lift her spirits, but it looked like it would be a challenge. He decided on the mac and cheese. When the waitress came over he placed the orders and added, “And two coffees, black.”

Bradan felt they needed to talk more about what happened, whether Cami wanted to or not. Now that he had her opening up to him, he wanted to take advantage of it. Though he wasn’t positive he could save her from torment, he intended to try.

“How old were you when it happened?”

Cami spoke softly. “Not yet seventeen. It was less than a month before my birthday.”

“That sucks.” It was the only words of wisdom he had, as he had never faced such a situation before.

The coffee arrived quickly, and Bradan was glad to see Cami holding her cup, preparing to sip. If he could get her to do the same with food, he’d feel a lot better. It seemed she was going to let the subject drop, and he wasn’t sure what else to ask her.

They drank in silence, yet, without saying anything, Bradan felt closer to her than he ever had. The restaurant was busy and activity buzzed around them, but he was hardly aware of it. When the meals arrived, he dug into his food ravenously.

Dealing with emotion apparently created an appetite. While he worked his way through the hot dish, Bradan eyed Cami to see if she was eating. It was hard to tell. The cheese puffs had been moved around and torn apart, but he hadn’t seen her take a bite.

She sipped her coffee. “It was the worst time of my life, Bradan. I had a nervous breakdown, I guess. The doctors kept giving me different pills to try to calm me down, pick me up, make me sleep. None of it worked.

“It was hell. I kept reacting to everything. So they kept changing prescriptions. My parents were distraught about my condition, but there was nothing I could do. There was no way to hide it. I could barely function at all.

“One thing that was handy, considering our family business, was wine. It was my only relief. I’d drink myself to sleep at night, and hardly be able to open my eyes in the morning. But if I didn’t, I would just stare at the ceiling.

“And the ceiling kept playing back that horrible moment: Nat’s last words and the sound of the fatal impact. I was unable to keep up my schoolwork, even after a bereavement break. My grades suffered.

“I didn’t care. I wanted to die, Bradan. It’s the only time in my life when I really wanted to die. But I just couldn’t do that to my parents. They loved me too much, and if I’d ended it, they never would have gotten over it.

“That’s all that got me through. Even my cousin, Nina, who was my same age, didn’t know how to reach me. We had always been close, but when I went nuts, she backed away. I can’t blame her.”

Bradan looked at her, imagining her going through all that. “How did you recover?”

Cami shrugged. “I’m not sure. Time, I suppose. Gradually, I was able to function. It took all my willpower to get off the wine. And for a while, I was just…numb. That’s what it felt like.”

He reached out and took both her hands. “Keep talking to me, baby.”

Cami sighed. “I was doing pretty well. Returned to school, found the right prescription. The depression abated—some, at least. It took a couple of years for me to feel human again. Yet it never went away. I don’t think it ever will.”

He rubbed her knuckles with his thumbs. “Probably not.”

She bit her lip and closed her eyes. “Then when I was nineteen, my dad got cancer. It was a shock. He’d been healthy and we never saw it coming. It was his lungs, and he didn’t even smoke.

“He was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was treated. But it was caught too late. The cancer had spread through his bloodstream to his lungs. I guess it was a blessing it killed him quickly and he didn’t suffer. That would have been much worse.

“But my mother was devastated by his death. His wishes were to be cremated and have his ashes spread across his beloved vineyard. The day we did that, I thought my mother was going to fall apart.

“And so again, I had to deal with the death of someone I loved very much. I was close to my father, and growing up, it seemed like he’d always be there. But it wasn’t true. I lost him…so suddenly.”

Bradan shoved his plate aside. Cami had made a mess of hers, but he hadn’t seen her take even one bite. He decided not to press the point. She looked fragile, and he wanted to protect her from things that had happened in the past. And from things that would happen in the future.

“I want to be alone with you, baby.”

She looked into his eyes, and he saw emotion flare. “Yes. That’s what I want too.”

By trolleybus they got back to the penthouse, which he still had for a few more days. The cloudy afternoon darkened the windows, but he didn’t need light. Bradan just needed to feel Cami. All he wanted to do was hold her.

And that was what they did. On the big bed, they lay side by side with quiet music playing in the background. There was nothing else to be said. Their need for each other was strong. Bradan pulled her into his arms and held her.

That was all. For hours, he just held her. Feeling her warmth and having her nestled against him was all he wanted. Her chest moved softly as she breathed, and at one point she fell asleep. Bradan buried his face in her hair, loving her smell.

With his arms around her, protectiveness rose within him. Bradan would do everything in his power to be sure the woman he loved was safe from the harshness of life. Even knowing it was an unreal expectation, he still felt better with Cami firmly in his embrace.

She was so light against him, but so feminine. There was no other woman that had made him feel quite like she did. It was a marvel, and he couldn’t have said what was different. It was just her. It was just Cami.

When she woke, Bradan stroked her cheek, and she ran her fingertips over his hand. He wanted her, and felt her lean against him. Cami turned and he kissed her softly. Then she kissed back, a little harder.

He stroked her back, and she seemed to purr like a kitten, pressing into him. Bradan undressed her then he stripped off his own clothes. Naked and in each other’s arms, nothing else seemed to exist.

Not the past. Not the future. Just then, and only the sweet lovemaking that lasted for hours. Bradan touched her smooth skin and kissed her lips until he was so hard for her there was no way to resist.

He touched her wetness and heard her soft whimper. When he touched the tip of his cock to her sex, Cami pressed over him. She felt like a warm glove and Bradan stroked inside her, wanting to give her pleasure.

And he did. They made love over and over, resting in between, only to start up again as if they couldn’t get enough of each other. Having her in his arms was a deep satisfaction, and Bradan was acutely aware of her need. And his own.

Cami seemed to want him to stay inside her, be with her, like she didn’t want to be alone. He could feel her craving for closeness and her passion for him. He hadn't felt anything quite like it before. And wanted to feel it again and again.

Late in the afternoon, they showered together, and Cami let him dry her. Fluffing the towel over her and feeling her body was an experience on its own. Bradan admired her, and kissed her flat belly before allowing her to dress.

They went out to the kitchen and he opened some wine. Sitting by the window, they watched the light dim in the sky. Bradan rubbed his bare foot over hers. She seemed thoughtful, and he looked at her for understanding.

Cami held her glass with both hands and stared at the wine as if divining answers. She frowned. “I’m damaged, you know.”

At that moment, tortured and doubting, Cami had never looked more beautiful to him. The gray outside light illuminated her flawless skin and lovely green eyes, making her look like an angel dropped from above. “You’re perfect.”

“I’m not.” She looked at him. “When the accident happened that snowy day, and I heard the car hit the tree…and the windshield shattered…my heart shattered along with it. Like fine crystal against concrete, my heart splintered into a million pieces.” She had tears in her eyes. “It will never be whole again.”

Bradan pulled her onto his lap and wiped away her tears. He ran his fingertips along her jaw. She stilled and gazed into his eyes. “Stay with me tonight.”

Cami surprised him with a timid smile. “Why? Because you don’t want me to be alone?” She spoke with her mouth just a fraction from his, her breath tingling his skin.

He shook his head then kissed her softly on the lips. “No. Because I don’t want to be alone.”

She kissed him back and rewarded him with another smile. “Good answer.”

Chapter 28

Cami did stay the night, and they went to one of their favorite restaurants. Bradan even got her to eat something, much to his relief. He held her in his arms later as they drifted off to sleep, and there was nowhere else he wanted to be.