Perfectly Shattered (13 page)

She was mad, and was probably going to stay mad for a long time. Maybe forever. Cami had looked so sexy, and the kiss on the terrace gave him hope that they’d be together again. Not that they’d ever broken up exactly.

It was just the agreement that things were still loose. Either could date. There was nothing binding them together. That was how Bradan wanted it. And she did too, or so she’d said. But it left him confused. He was confused about the ache in his heart.

It had been a long time since there had been a woman he couldn’t take or leave. This time, that was the case. He couldn’t tell Cami he wanted to see her exclusively. But he didn’t want to leave her either.

He wanted her in his bed. But more than that, he wanted her in his life. It was unsettling, even in his drunken state.

Bradan made it home and collapsed on the sofa. He stared at the ceiling for hours, thinking of Cami.

He wasn’t the heartless bastard she thought he was, and was sorry he’d upset her. If only she would talk to him, be with him. Just not shut him out. It wasn’t going to be an easy fix. He’d really made her mad this time.

Well after midnight, Bradan finally fell asleep. He didn’t wake until late. He rose to a pounding head and a dry mouth. What a fucked night. He looked in the bathroom mirror; a layer of stubble showed on his jaw, and his hair stuck up in all directions.

The recent events had taken their toll. Too much whiskey. He shook his head, knowing he needed to knock that off. But he just didn’t do it. A hot shower helped a little, but he still felt like hell. There was no food in the kitchen, so he went out.

After hitting the local coffee shop, he went for a jog, needing to burn off some frustration. Problems with women were something he tried to avoid. Another reason to sleep with them once and never call again. Then nothing was expected.

That tactic had failed miserably with Cami. There was no way he could be with her, and not call again. Or there hadn’t been. As he pounded the sidewalk, increasing his speed, Bradan tried to put her out of his mind.

It was different with her, better. But he’d shown only that he could hurt her. It was how he was. Women got mad at him all the time. It never bothered him. Now it did. As he turned a corner, a blast of cold air hit him in the face.

And light dawned dimly in his mind. If he cared about Cami, he’d leave her alone. He certainly wasn’t doing her any good. With her it was more than hot sex. And the sex was hot; he wasn’t likely to forget that.

He felt
more
when he was with her, something deeper, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. His life was a mess; he knew that. Appearances said he had it all, but it was a lie. Women were a balm to his aching soul, and little consolation they’d been.

It was what he knew, and what he was good at. Relationships he sucked at. Just because his life was in a sad state didn’t mean he had any right to fuck hers up. God knew he’d been doing a pretty good job of that.

And it had to stop. Cami was a good person, a special woman. She didn’t need the likes of him. He would do exactly what she’d asked him to.
Fuck off
.

Resolved though not content, Bradan crossed the street and headed toward the gym. What he needed was a heavy workout, one that would numb him to all but the pain of muscle against weight. Killing his body would deaden his mind.

Still, thoughts of Cami refused to leave. It was going to be rough, but it was for the best. She’d have a chance if he just left her alone. Who was he kidding? She’d probably be over him within a week, as long as he backed off. And he would.

*****

Cami cried herself to sleep, and her tortured heart handed up nightmares of heartbreak and losing the one you love. She woke up sweating, all alone, and hurting. The thing she feared most had happened.

She’d let Bradan close to her heart, and he’d broken through the flimsy barrier she’d erected around it. Even he didn’t know what he’d done. But she should have. Cami shouldn’t have agreed to go to the party.

Worse, she never should have gone to the penthouse with him that first time. But she couldn’t regret that. No matter the pain she was in now, she’d always have the memory of that special night. It clearly meant more to her than it did to Bradan.

He’d taken her desire for him and used it to boost his already inflated ego. But it was over. She’d let it go too far already. Now it had to stop. Cami wasn’t going to see him, not that he’d want to.

With time, possibly she’d recover. Maybe. Cami just never knew. For so long, she’d thought she knew herself. Being young had its advantages. You don’t see it coming. When she was young, she believed in pure-hearted love, unmarred by life’s vagaries.

She’d long since abandoned that idealism. She’d survived pain, worse than Bradan could dish out. And she’d survive again. What choice did she have? After crawling out of bed when it was still dark, she slipped off her nightshirt and got into the shower.

The next few days and weeks were going to be hard. The key was to stay away from Bradan. The same thing she’d told herself, over and over. But she hadn’t listened. And now she was paying the price.

She could only partially blame him. Bradan had been open about his lifestyle, his carousing with women. Even his requirement of no strings attached. Really, she shouldn’t have been surprised to find him in the arms of another woman.

Cami should have expected it. Letting the hot water pound on her shoulders, she tried to let go of the inner torment. But it wouldn’t go. It clung like the kiss of death. Which it was, she supposed. Finally, the water cooled and she had to get out.

Dressed but not sure where to go, Cami opened her front door. Staying inside, alone, was only going to make it worse. It would be better to get out, see other people whose lives were unaffected by anything from her past. It would give her perspective, and be so much better than other alternatives she might resort to.

As she walked toward the coffee shop, Cami thought of calling her mother. It would help to hear her voice and know that she understood. But it was too soon. It was better to get it together first. Otherwise, Cami might fall apart over the phone and her mother would worry.

After entering the coffee shop, Cami went up to the counter. For once, there was no line. She ordered a double espresso, needing caffeine to boost her into some realm of consciousness. At home, she hadn’t bothered to brew her own.

Staring out the window, Cami saw people walking down the street while not really seeing them at all. She fought an internal battle, a familiar one. One she’d hoped to avoid. Though fate had other ideas.

Rummaging in her purse, Cami felt the bottle with her fingertips and pulled it out. Empty. Since she’d been in Seattle, there hadn’t been a need. It seemed as though there wouldn’t be a need. That she was out of danger. But life never stayed the same.

That was a lesson Cami learned repeatedly. Stability was forever out of reach. Especially in matters of the heart. She rolled the plastic bottle in her hand. There were no available refills, and she hadn’t taken the time to find a new doctor.

Yet she didn’t really want to. It had taken her doctor a while to find a prescription that worked for her. The ones they tried didn’t react well with her system, and the side effects were almost worse than having nothing at all.

Cami had been off everything for over a year. She’d nearly gone back on when her father died, but somehow she’d made it through. Being with her mother and family had given her strength. That was the thing. She just felt so alone.

She always felt alone. Hopes had been high when she’d arrived in Seattle. But it hadn’t taken long to run smack into Bradan. Even though she hurt in every part of her body, Cami still wanted him. That was what was going to make it hard.

Knowing someone was bad for her and walking away were two different things. The bad seemed to gravitate to her like a magnet. So much bad; too many habits that were hard to break. But she’d done it. Or so she’d thought.

Now she was back where she started. Almost. Clinging to a reservoir of inner fortitude she didn’t know she possessed, Cami took a deep breath and dropped the bottle back into her purse. For now, she didn’t intend to refill it.

Later, maybe she’d have to. But maybe not. She’d give her wine to Jeremy. Remove all temptation. It was the only way. The thing was that there were too many vices, too many ways to destroy herself. Cami would just have to try harder.

Fortunately, Malena had texted that there was a party to cater at a private home. Work was what Cami needed, something to take her mind off the issue at hand, and a setting where she’d be with other people. Plus she’d cook, one of the best ways to soothe her anxiety.

*****

The home was a two-story Tudor style, a Seattle dream home. It was an intimate birthday party in the enclosed patio facing the bay. The menu included crab hush puppies, braised turnip greens, smoked jambalaya sausage, and bourbon pumpkin pie for dessert, due to the Cajun heritage of the birthday girl. She was turning thirty and had invited some close friends to share her special day.

Brittany showed up, bubbling over with excitement. She leaned into Cami, nearly knocking her over. “We went out.”

Despite herself, Cami smiled. “Good, huh?”

“I think I like him. We’re going out again tonight.”

The sight of her friend’s face, bright from a man’s adoration, went far in mitigating her own agony. Cami knew her life might never be the stuff dreams are made of, but that didn’t mean someone else’s couldn’t be.

Spotting Jeremy across the patio, she could see contentment in his expression. No, it was more than that. It was the look a man has when he’s fallen for a woman who returns the feeling. It made Cami feel better just to know someone who was on top of the world instead of buried by it.

She waved at him and made her way to the bar. “Serving anything good?”

He grinned. “The usual.”

“Hey, come by my place after. I have some bottles of wine I think you might like. You and Brittany can enjoy them. They are from my father’s winery.”

Jeremy looked puzzled. “Why don’t you drink them?”

Cami managed a thin smile. “Complications.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Him again. Okay, the least I can do is take fine wine off your hands.” Jeremy looked right at her. “Thanks for putting in a good word for me with Brittany. I owe you.”

Cami actually smiled. “You do. Big time.”

Chapter 15

Days without Bradan became weeks, and Cami did her best to move on. Catering picked up: there were several weddings, another birthday, and numerous business events. The work took her mind off her sick heart, but only while she cooked and served.

Nights were another matter, but there was no way to escape being alone. Her solace was cooking and music, supplemented with movie marathons. Nothing seemed to soothe the relentless ache in her heart, but she did her best to hide it.

Brittany knew what had happened at the party, but didn’t comment much. Cami knew her friend had experienced ill treatment plenty of times, and that she felt bad for her. When she wasn’t out with Jeremy, she’d come over just to chat or watch the ongoing cooking fest, always willing to sample.

A few days before Cami submitted her recipe, both Jeremy and Brittany came over for a late-afternoon feast. The menu was an assortment of dishes that vied for top position to be submitted to the Bayside Simple Gourmet.

Jeremy had come by many times to give pointers, and even to join in the preparation of a new version of a dish. He proved to be a better cook than he’d let on, and his help was valuable. If nothing else, Cami could bounce ideas off him, to see if they were worth pursuing.

With only days to go, decisions had to be made. The contest was sponsored by a Washington wine producer. The idea was to pair the food with wines, and show the public that simple gourmet could be easy to prepare, and delicious with a favorite wine.

Pairing wasn’t the hard part, since Cami was used to doing it in her family’s café. For years, she’d learned what wine to offer with what food. Making the gourmet items was the challenge. They had to be tasty, healthy, and original, using whole-food ingredients, incorporating fruits or vegetables with herbs and spices.

“So, how are they going to judge you?” Brittany sat on a stool at the counter, nibbling on a green olive. She and Jeremy had come over to assist with the final submission.

Cami wiped her hands on a towel and dug a sheet of paper out of a drawer. “Here’s what they say.”

Jeremy stood behind Brittany and leaned over to read. “The recipes will be judged on the following: creativity, taste appeal, visual presentation, and wine-pairing choice.”

Cami took a big bowl from the cupboard and set it on the counter. “There’s a panel of judges. Once they get my recipe with a photo, they will include it with the others, and the winner will be chosen. Maybe they make their top choices in their professional kitchen to test them out.”

“Well, whatever you put in your pizza rustica is tasty. And it’s different, you said, so that should be good on creativity.” Brittany flipped her hair behind her shoulders, looking confident in her suggestion.

“That is good,” Jeremy said. “But I think you’ll get more points for your garlic, leek, and potato soup. I know you won’t tell me your special ingredient, but that dish is mouth-watering.”

“How about Washington halibut, stinging nettles, and dates? I tested it last week and think it might be a winner. I just need to tweak a couple of things.” Cami started chopping dates.

Jeremy walked around to the kitchen. “I’ll help. The nettles?”

Cami nodded at a basket to her left. “Brittany, you are in charge of the music. All That Remains, please. I want to hear ‘The Last Time.’ And turn it up.”

Brittany slid off the stool and headed toward the music system. Shortly, Phil Labonte’s throaty voice boomed through the speakers, backed by deep bass music.

Cami looked at Jeremy. “Okay. Now we can cook.”

The secret was in making sure the nettles were tender, and in balancing their distinctive taste with the herbs and spices on the halibut. When done, Cami piled the nettles, a green she’d substituted for spinach, on a rectangular plate. The halibut balanced on top and the sauce, with dates blended in, was ladled over it.