One or Two Things I Learned About Love (13 page)

I
was hoping the other guys would be bringing dates this time when we went out after the game, but no such luck. So it was back to the Big Boot Pizzeria, at the round table in the far corner with the boys – Connor, Stu, Albie, JC and Milt. They were all as excited as little kids at a party because they’d won again. Which isn’t exactly a regular event. Even Stu, who I was surprised knew my name since last time he’d acted as if I wasn’t there at all, said, “Maybe Hildy really is bringing us luck. Maybe we should make her our mascot. We should give her one of our T-shirts to wear.” (I didn’t mention that to Nomi. You know what she’s like. If there’s an argument within a five-hundred-mile radius, Nomi will find it. She wouldn’t think it was cute me being their mascot. She’d think it was patronizing. As if I was a dog. She’d want to know why I didn’t slap my pizza over his head.) But after that it was all the same talk about The Game and the other team and our team and some guy who couldn’t tell a foul from a bagel and I started drifting off the way I do when my dad starts explaining how to clean a carburettor. And then Milt, who was sitting on my other side, suddenly started talking to me. He’s all bluesed out because his girlfriend dumped him. He said he couldn’t really talk to his friends about it because they didn’t like her to begin with. And anyway, you know what guys are like. I almost said no I don’t, only he didn’t give me a chance to say anything. So he told me all about Salome Hornstein. She wouldn’t even tell him why she was through with him. Or what was wrong with him. Or give him another chance. It was just,
So long Milton. Don’t call me and I won’t call you.
He’s pretty sure she already has a new boyfriend. He said he felt like a fish that was about to be dinner. I was trying to cheer him up so I said, “Breaded? Baked? Garnished with parsley and lemon?” He said, “No, gutted.”

Connor was quiet on the way home. I figured he was tired from the game. And three extra-large pizzas (after all that chewing it was no wonder he couldn’t work his jaw). He was really concentrating on his driving, like any minute he was expecting a deer to jump out at him. (My mom would’ve been delirious if she’d seen him. He was like a video for road safety.) Finally when we got to my house he wanted to know what Milt and I were talking about. We looked like we were plotting the overthrow of the government. I said that we were actually talking about how Salome Hornstein kicked his heart into the gutter of love. Connor said he told Milt right from the start that she was a flirt. He said, “She even flirted with me, and I’m Milt’s best friend.” Then he opened the glove compartment and took out my fan. I thought I’d lost it but it must’ve fallen out of my bag the other night. I was really happy to get it back. Connor wanted to know why Green Pick-up Guy gave me a fan. I said because Zelda killed mine. He said that didn’t explain why Green Pick-up Guy bought me a new one. I said just because he’s nice, that’s all. Connor said he must be practically a saint to buy stuff for a girl he gets his potatoes from. Then he said he had to go home. His father’s laying down the law. I said well, he is a lawyer. Connor said, “Yeah.” So there was no steaming up the windows of the car tonight.

Nomi said I should’ve asked Connor if when Salome Hornstein flirted with him he flirted back. See what I mean about her?

It’s really weird. Nothing happened with me and Connor but I kind of feel like it did. It reminds me of when I went to Nomi’s fire pit and he acted like he was mad at me but he said he wasn’t. I’m being paranoid. He can’t be mad at me. I haven’t done anything.

No
Good morning
! text from Connor. Figured he probably overslept and had to race to work. Texted him while I was having breakfast. Texted from the stand. Called a couple of times, got the voicemail. Nomi thinks I’m winding myself up over nothing. Welcome to the real world. She said she can go days without hearing from Jax. (As if there’s any comparison between her and Jax, and me and Connor.) I said but Connor always texts me. And he usually calls me on his breaks. Nomi said well maybe he’s really busy at work. Or he lost his phone or left it at home or the dog ate it or something. Didn’t Louie’s dog eat his phone once? (That was Scorsese. Of course. Louie figured Scorsese was having trouble dialling so he ate it in frustration.) I said but what if it’s None of the Above? What if something happened to him? What if he had an accident on the way home? You’re always reading about youths whose lives are cut tragically short because they skidded in the snow and lost control of the car. Nomi said, “Hildy, it’s July. If he skidded on snow he’s some kind of magician and you don’t have to worry about him hurting himself.” I said OK, not snow, but he could’ve hit a moose. Nomi said, “Or he could’ve left his phone in his shirt pocket and put it in the hamper like Jax did that time.” I said but if Connor did have an accident it probably wouldn’t occur to his parents to tell me. Even if his phone wasn’t destroyed in the crash and they had my number, why would they think I should be told? I haven’t even known him a month. And anyway they’re probably keeping vigil at the hospital. You can’t expect them to think of calling his friends when they’re sitting at his bedside, watching the monitor, beepbeepbeepbeep. Nomi wanted to know if I’ve completely lost my mind. She said it could be the chlorine in the Palacios’ pool. Chlorine can definitely do harm. I said I’m sorry but thinking Connor had an accident isn’t any weirder than thinking he threw his phone in the wash. Nomi said, “Well how was he when you saw him last night? Did you guys have a fight?” I said of course we didn’t have a fight. We have nothing to fight about. I said he didn’t hang out long, but that was because he was wiped out after the game. Nomi said boys are like that. They hit a wall and it’s all over. She’s seen Jax so tired that even if every guitar legend, living and dead, pulled up in a bus outside the house he would still fall asleep.

Planned to go and help Louie tonight because of missing Tuesday but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Still no word from Connor. Watched a movie about something with Zelda, phone in my shirt pocket next to my heart. No messages. Heart and phone both empty. Called Nomi. She decided it
is
weird that he’s not answering. Unless he was suddenly called away by the President to bring peace to the Middle East. She said, “So he didn’t skid in the snow and you did have a fight.” I said I don’t remember having a fight. Asked her if Jax ever gets mad at her for no reason. She said, “No, he always has a reason.” She said she’s busy tomorrow but why don’t we go bowling on Saturday? With the Mob. I can’t just mope around the house. She’ll organize it. I said OK.

What is wrong with me? Am I in love? Or is it the chlorine? I know it can give you fatigue and asthma and hurt your eyes but I’m not really sure it can melt your brain cells. Although on the other side of Missouri, as Gran would say, they’re always discovering that things everybody thought did one thing actually do something else that’s not exactly a bonus. Pesticides. Prescription drugs. GM foods. Maybe there’s something in chlorine that makes you fall for the first person who comes along. Maybe if it wasn’t Connor I’d be feeling like this about Broccoli Man (oh what a thought – I swear I scare myself sometimes!). OK, not Broccoli Man. Anyone. Like in that play where the queen of the fairies falls in love with this guy with a donkey’s head because she’s been put under a spell. I could be fixated on one of Louie’s dogs. The Curse of Chlorine strikes again!

I
know that the trusty sidekick of the Vegetable Avenger should be as crisp as a perfect iceberg, vibrant as red oak leaf and sharp as arugula. But today I was more like a little gem that’s been left at the bottom of the refrigerator with the bendy carrots for a month. So it wasn’t Lethal Lettuce who joined the Vegetable Avenger in his tireless quest for botanical justice, it was Listless Lettuce. Listless Lettuce couldn’t care less if GM seeds take over the earth or if the rivers have so much toxic waste in them that they burn. I’m not saying I’d lost the will to live, but I definitely misplaced it. I could just about remember how happy I was two days ago, but it was starting to look as if I might never be happy again. The day could only have seemed longer if I was on stilts and being forced to listen over and over to “Frosty the Snowman” played on bells. I kept checking my phone to make sure it was working. I thought: This is what death is like. A phone that never rings. Only if you were dead you wouldn’t care. So it’s more like Hell. Hell is when you’re dead, the phone never rings and you care a lot. I don’t know how I got through the day without salting the string beans with my tears. Really. I don’t even remember most of it. People came. People bought. People went. Time crawled along like some small, crippled creature through an ocean of porridge. Ely kept asking me if I was all right, till I finally told him that if he didn’t stop I was going to make soup out of him. The only thing I do remember is that Broccoli Man wouldn’t get out of his car because there were too many people at the stand and I refused to go to him like I usually do. I said to Ely, “You’re the Vegetable Avenger. You go.” Broccoli Man doesn’t really like Ely (it was Ely who told him that first time that we didn’t have any broccoli), but I hadn’t counted on him liking Ely even less when he’s dressed as a carrot. He rolled up his window so quickly that Ely’s fronds got caught, so he was sort of bent over with a basket full of vegetables in his hands. And then Broccoli Man started the engine. The Vegetable Avenger let out a scream never before heard from the lips of a superhero. It was Green Pick-up Guy who yanked open the passenger door and grabbed the key from the ignition. Ely said it was the first time I almost-smiled in two days. I said it was gas.

When I got home, my mother and Zelda were having an argument. (I know, there must’ve been another shower of frogs over Lebanon Road this afternoon to mark such an unusual event. We obviously live in a neighbourhood where cosmic phenomena are practically an everyday occurrence.) From what I could gather, my mother gave the basket Zelda made at day camp a funny look. I went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. I figured I’d stay like that till I had to get up and go through another day of doom and despair. And then my phone rang. I could tell right away it was him. I swear I almost choked on my heart. I fell off the bed.

I can’t believe it. Really. It’s so far away from logic and reality it’s in another dimension. Turns out, Nomi was right. (I guess she has to be sometimes!) Connor and I did have a fight. Kind of. Well not a fight the way we have fights at Casa D’Angelo. But it was something like a fight. Only I didn’t even know about it. (You’d think he would’ve mentioned it. I mean, what’s the point of having a fight with someone if you don’t even tell them you’re mad?) The fight was over nothing. At least I think it was over nothing. I swear I didn’t do anything wrong. Anyway when I answered the phone Connor said, “Hildy?” I said last time I looked it was me. Then Connor acted all surprised and said he didn’t mean to call me. He said he must’ve hit my number by mistake. I said, “Well I’ve been calling and texting you for two days and that wasn’t a mistake.” He said, “Umph.” I said, “So what’s been going on? Are you mad at me about something?” And he said, “Why would I be mad at you?” I said, “I don’t know, but you aren’t exactly being friendly.” We went back and forth like that a few times. Till finally he said, “You really don’t know?” I said, “Would I be asking if I did?” So eventually it all came out. It had really bothered him that I’d spent all the time at Big Boot talking to Milt. I said, “But Milt was talking to me. I hardly said a dozen words. The rest of you were all yakking to each other about softball. And anyway, he was talking about his ex-girlfriend.” Connor said that I’m naïve. He said what I don’t know about guys would circle the globe at least three times. And tie a bow. He said that’s what guys do to get sympathy and lull you into a false sense of security. I said, “Really? And why would he do that?” He said it’s because Milt’s after me. I had to stop myself from laughing. I mean, really. I said, “I don’t think Milt’s after me, Connor.” He said I don’t know Milt the way he does. I said that’s right, Milt’s not my best friend. And, just for the record, the last time we went out the only thing Milt said to me was, “Do you want the chilli flakes?” He’s just really upset that his girlfriend dumped him like an old shoe with a hole in the toe and he needed to talk about it with someone who wouldn’t rather talk about batting averages. I said and anyway, if one of your friends starts talking to me, what am I supposed to do? Not answer? Question his motives? Oh, I’m sorry so-and-so, but are you talking to me to be polite because I’m sitting here all by myself while everybody else bleats on about foul balls and blind umpires, or are you talking to me because you think I’ve been hoping you’d flirt with me in front of my boyfriend? So then we both laughed. And he apologized. He said he guesses I’m right, he was being kind of ridiculous. He doesn’t know why he got like that. It’s just that he likes me so much and girls in the past haven’t been very trustworthy. He’d really be devastated if I turned out to be like them. We talked until my battery got so low I had to hang up.