One or Two Things I Learned About Love (16 page)

It was a full house. (Something happened to one of their amps so even Sara and Kruger showed up.) Of course I forgot about all the ridicule and teasing we were going to be in for.
Look who’s here! To what do we owe this honour? You know, you look really familiar. Don’t tell me this is Mr Coffee! After all these years!
Even Grady got in on it. He said he really thought I’d made this boyfriend of mine up. Then Louie started to introduce Connor to everybody and pretended he couldn’t remember his name. Oh hahafreakingha! It was gruesome. When that form of torture was over the boys started telling me what I’d been missing, and how last week Scorsese and Hitchcock went nuts when they were watching
American Werewolf in London
, and complaining because I didn’t bring any cookies. I’ve noticed that when Connor’s not happy he kind of does the human equivalent of a turtle pulling itself into its shell. So I was standing there with this big turtle shell next to me. Really hoping that at last the floor was going to do me a favour and open up and both Connor and I would fall through it. But the girls must’ve noticed that Connor was about as comfortable as somebody hanging off a bridge by his fingers because they suddenly all started talking to him. You know, in a normal, friendly way. And then we got out the snacks and everybody settled down. I figured we were home free. But we weren’t even near the front door. It would’ve been OK if it was Grady, Kruger or Jax who picked the movie, but of course it wasn’t. That would be too easy. The older I get the more I understand that whoever’s in charge of the universe doesn’t do easy. It was Louie’s choice. The movie was in black and white and had subtitles. It might as well have been performed by shadow puppets. Connor fell asleep twice. When we were leaving Louie said to him he should try drinking coffee sometime instead of just selling it. Connor didn’t exactly double up laughing. As soon as we got off the Masiados’ property he told me he doesn’t think the other guys like him. I said what makes you say that? He said it was because they all acted like they know me so much better than he does. I said well they do. He said they didn’t have to rub it in his face. I said they were just being the way they are. Connor said he hoped I didn’t think that was a recommendation for them. Especially Louie. Louie’s the worst. He thinks Louie picked that movie on purpose because he knew Connor hates movies with subtitles. And how could he possibly know that? Connor said, “You’re his big buddy. I guess you must’ve told him.” I said that was ridiculous. Louie didn’t even know that we were coming tonight. Didn’t he see how surprised everybody was? And besides, why would Louie deliberately pick a movie he knew Connor would hate? Connor said it was because Louie likes me. I said of course he likes me, we’ve been friends since we were teething. We ate dog biscuits together. When I fell in the pond the winter we were ten it was Louie who jumped in and pulled me out. He’s the brother I should’ve had (instead of the sisters I got). Connor made the same sound the vacuum makes if you suddenly unplug it when it’s on. He said he can’t believe how naïve I can be. Don’t I know anything about guys? Apparently less than I know about the language and customs of Moldavia. I said I know the basics. He said, “I beg to differ.” (He actually said that.
I beg to differ.
Just like his father!) Apparently, if I did know anything about guys, I’d know that Louie has a crush on me. It’s as plain as the trunk on an elephant. Plainer. Connor said, “Come on, Hildy. You really believe he comes over here to play chess with your
father
?” I said yes I really believe that. You know, because that’s what he’s been doing since he was six. I said what I didn’t understand was how Connor could know so much about Louie when he’s only met him twice and hasn’t said more than half a dozen words to him. He said, “It’s because I’m a guy, too. We know how we work.”

Maybe they really do have a manual.

I
asked Ely if one of his very best friends was a girl he’d known for ever but he secretly had a crush on her would he spend, say, eleven years playing, say, chess with her father just so he could be around her? Ely said wouldn’t it make more sense to play chess with her?

Connor called me on his lunch break to say that the guys had decided not to play softball tonight because even though it’d stopped raining the ground was pretty muddy. So they were going to shoot some baskets instead. I asked if he was still picking me up from work. He said he’d been thinking it over and decided it’d be better if I didn’t hang out with him and his friends. Not unless there were some other girls along. I had to turn my back on Ely (I could tell from the way his smile looked like it’d been painted on that his big ears were flapping in the breeze even though he was waiting on a customer) and move away from the table. I asked if we were talking about Milt again. He said no. He’s totally cool with the Milt thing. And anyway Milt and Salome got back together. Connor just doesn’t like the way his friends look at me. I didn’t know they looked at me at all. I figured if I passed out at the table they’d all climb over me when it was time to go. Connor said, “What about that crack Stu made?” I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said, “About getting you a T-shirt and making you our mascot.” I said, “You mean because it was sexist and patronizing?” He said no, it meant he wanted me to wear something that accentuated my breasts. I would’ve laughed – if I wanted something to accentuate my breasts, I’d pick balloons – but I could tell from his voice that he was like 200% serious. So I said that was fine by me not to go and told him to have a good time.

Went bowling with Nomi, Sara, Cristina and Maggie. They all said how excellent it was to hang out with Connor at last. Maggie thought he was sweet. Cristina thought he was nice. Sara said he really seems to like me a lot. Nomi said she didn’t expect him to have such a good sense of humour. I couldn’t understand why she’d think that. Didn’t I say he’s very funny? She said yeah, but she got the impression that he’s pretty intense. I said I didn’t know where she got that from. She said it must’ve been from her spirit guide. Her spirit guide talks about Connor all the time. Then they wanted to know if we’d be coming next week. I said I didn’t think so. Nomi wanted to know why not. I said oh, you know… She said she thought asking questions was supposed to be a way of filling in gaps in your knowledge. I said I had the feeling Connor was a little uncomfortable. Nomi said, “What? He doesn’t like the chairs? He could always sit on the floor. Or bring a cushion.” I told her if she was half as funny as she thinks she is we would all’ve died laughing long ago. I said it wasn’t that he’d said anything, but I thought the guys made him uncomfortable. Cristina wanted to know how they did that. She thought they all seemed really friendly. “It’s not like they were messing with his head or anything. For them they were really well behaved.” Nomi said that was true. Remember when Jax fell asleep in
Citizen Kane
and they picked up his chair and carried him out to the porch? He had no idea where he was when he woke up. I said yeah they were well behaved and they were friendly to Connor, but you know how it is when you come into a group of strangers. They kind of made him feel that they know me better than he does. Nomi said that’s probably because they do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Connor said about Louie. I was going to mention it to Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina because they’d know how stratospherically ridiculous it is. I figured we’d all have a big laugh about it. And they’d tell me that Connor is just being insecure. That boys get like that when you first start dating. And then I’d feel four or five hundred percent better and stop worrying. But after the uncomfortable-chairs conversation I decided against it. I don’t want them not to like Connor. I want them to think he’s as cool as I do.

Three messages from Connor when I got home and checked my phone. All of them signed
xoxoxoxox
. Texted back.
SRY MSD U xxooxxooxxooxxooxx
. I’d hardly pushed send when he called. He was all sweet and mushy at first. And then he asked why it took me so long to answer. “Don’t tell me you forgot to charge your phone overnight again, Hildy.” I said no, it was charged but I had it turned off because they don’t allow cells in the bowling alley. You know how in Westerns there’s this second of silence and then you hear this sound of a pistol being cocked? Right away you know there’s going to be trouble. I didn’t pay any attention then, but now I can see that the second of silence after I mentioned the bowling alley was just like in those Westerns, only without the click of the gun or the jingle of spurs. Connor said, “Bowling alley? You didn’t say you were going bowling tonight. When I asked you what you were doing you said nothing.” I said well, when you asked me it
was
nothing. The bowling was totally last minute. He wanted to know who went. Once again I figured I was home free. You know, because it was just the girls. I know it might warp him a little if Louie was involved, but he doesn’t think Nomi, Maggie, Sara or Cristina has a crush on me. At first, he acted as if he didn’t believe me. “Just you, Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina? Really? Just the five of you went bowling? How’d you get all your boyfriends to stay home? Lock them in the cellar?” I felt like saying that, since we live in the twenty-first century, we’re not only allowed to go places without a chaperone, but even though it’s considered a pretty radical step, they started letting unescorted women into the lanes. Next thing you know, we may be given the right to own property or even to vote. It’s what I would’ve said to Louie or Ely if they made some dumb crack like that. But it wasn’t what I said to Connor. Since he doesn’t really respond well to sarcasm. I said yeah, really, it was me, Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina. We do a lot of things where it’s just us. “Oh, really? You do a lot of things together.” It didn’t really sound like a question, but it didn’t really sound like a statement either. And, I don’t know, it didn’t sound like he meant what I meant. I said yeah, you know, like shopping and tennis and yoga and stuff like that. There was more silence and then he said he couldn’t handle this right now and he’d talk to me tomorrow. Call ended.

It’s like some weird déjà vu. I feel like I’ve done something wrong again, but I have no idea what (again). I know not lying is really important to Connor. And I agree. Who wouldn’t? Of course it’s important. (I’m talking about
real
lies here, not stuff like saying you really like the charm bracelet he bought you for your birthday when what you were hoping for was a Swiss Army knife.) But I wasn’t lying. I can’t tell him things I don’t know, can I? Should I have said I had no plans right at that exact moment, but you never know, something could come up? A debutantes’ ball. A marathon. A pigeon shoot. A three-alarm fire. I might even decide just to go for a walk. Without my phone. It has been known to happen. I could’ve mislaid it. Or Zelda could’ve drowned it again.

I guess I’ll go to bed and cry for a while.

I was in the bathroom getting into my pyjamas when my phone rang. I figured it must be Connor. (You know, because I was pulling my shirt over my head and got kind of stuck and couldn’t answer right away.) It was Nomi. She left her wallet in my bag and wanted to know if I was riding my bike to work tomorrow could I drop it off on my way. I said sure. She wanted to know what was wrong. I was going to tell her. Nomi’s my best friend. I always tell her everything. No matter how pathetic or humiliating. Like that time on the school trip when I suddenly got my period. And when Gus said I smelled and I didn’t want to leave the house for the rest of my life. And all my secrets. BUT. But I pretty much know what Nomi’s going to say about most things. And I knew what she’d say about Connor getting all huffy puffy because we went bowling. So I said there wasn’t anything wrong, I was just tired. She wanted to know if it had something to do with Connor. I said, really, it’s nothing. Nomi said, “What did you do this time?” I knew from her voice exactly what her expression was. It was the one she has when she thinks the milk is sour. See? I knew she’d be like that. I said that really and truly it wasn’t any big deal, I was just tired from hurling a twelve-pound ball around all night. She said, “You sure?” I said as sure as I was of where bears go to the bathroom. Nomi said she wished she could see my face. “Your left eyebrow always twitches when you lie.”