One or Two Things I Learned About Love (20 page)

Mr and Mrs Bowden had some country club thing to go to tonight so we had the house to ourselves. Connor was fully recovered from the morning’s trauma. He thinks we should put bells on Zelda and a light on Mrs Claws. I don’t think it’d work. Zelda would just drive everybody totally nuts ringing the bells all the time and Mrs Claws would turn off the light. Or eat it. Went for a moonlight swim in the lake. (I think I turned a little blue but it was still way romantic.) After that we went to the Snack Shack. I was really careful not to look at anyone. Found five dollars just outside the entrance because I had my eyes on the ground! After that we went back and sat out on the deck. Connor said that some day he wants to ride down the Mississippi on a raft like Huckleberry Finn. I said you do know that Huckleberry Finn didn’t have a personal flotation device, he had a runaway slave, right? Connor said but seriously, don’t you think that’d be a great thing to do? To tell the truth, that’s not really the first idea I’d connect with the words “great thing to do”. I’d connect it with mosquitoes and rapids. But I said yeah. And if Connor was on the raft with me it’d be immense. Counted six shooting stars! Which is pretty amazing since we weren’t really looking that hard.

Lovelovelovelovelove…

Connor’s
started texting with the summer countdown. As of today there are 29 days left of vacation. (
Twenty-nine we’re losing time…
) After that we’re back on the treadmill of teenage life. I said it’s like he’s on the platform and I’m on the train, and the train is starting to move very slowly. And very slowly he’s getting farther and farther away. And all we can do is wave. He says every day is like a nail in his heart. You wouldn’t think a boy from around here would be so romantic. He’s like a poet.

Had to miss yoga because I twisted my ankle last night when we were leaving the Snack Shack. Nomi wanted to know if that was because I only have eyes for Connor and wasn’t looking where I was going? That’s one way of putting it. There were a lot of people around so I was looking at Connor and I missed a step. He was really upset that I was hurt. You should’ve seen him. You’d think I’d fallen off the roof. My ankle wasn’t that bad, but he carried me on his back all the way to his house. (How sweet is that?) And then he made me soak it and he bandaged it and everything. It’s OK really. And it’s much better today. But I didn’t want to try standing like a tree on it. Not unless it was a tree that’s just been felled.

I was going to spend the day at home but Nomi, Maggie and Sara came by after yoga to take me to the beach with them. At first I said no. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that beach + girls + swimsuits = recipe for major meltdown if Connor finds out. (If he thinks they’re trying to attract guys when they’re dressed for bowling, what’ll he think when they’re not really dressed at all?) I said I could hobble around and everything but probably I should rest my foot. Nomi said I could rest it on the sand. She reminded me that I’ve always loved the beach and here I was on a perfect beach day wanting to sit at home with my foot in a bucket. Sara said it’s not like I had to stand up at the beach. I was just going to sit on a blanket. And the salt water would do my foot good. Maggie said for Pete’s sake, summer’s almost over. There’ll be plenty of days to sit in the house when there’s five feet of snow on the ground. And let’s not forget how much my new swimsuit cost. I should get some use out of it while I can in case it doesn’t fit next year. But it was Nomi (face of an angel, mind of a detective) who had the clinching argument. She got all scrutinous-looking and wanted to know if the fact that I seemed to be avoiding my friends this summer had something to do with Mr Coffee. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. Exactly when was I supposed to be avoiding my friends? Nomi said all the time. I said she was really exaggerating. I admitted I have been pretty busy with Connor, but a relationship’s like a tiny seed. It needs time and attention to make it grow. Nomi said, “Well you’re not busy with Connor today, Hildegard.” She was right, I wasn’t. I didn’t even have to be home early or anything because Connor had another practice tonight. And because of those two facts I couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough to argue with her. I know Connor worries about me so much because he cares about me so much. But I also know that he has nothing to worry about. When you look at it like that what’s the big deal?

So now I know: guilt’s the big deal. The minute we hit the beach I had one of those blinding moments of understanding. Like Custer when he suddenly realized the other side had a lot more warriors than he’d bargained for. I’d made a
really
big mistake. The beach is all flat and open. Which means you can be seen from every direction. I know, I know. Realistically, what were the chances that Connor would leave work in the middle of a shift and come to the beach looking for me? Not as small as the chances of his parents suddenly texting him to tell him he’s adopted, but not huge either. Only I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was possible he’d just show up. That he might. Things like that do happen. Whole books and plays have been written around that kind of idea. And I knew that even if the beach was a lot more crowded than it was – if there were 20,000 people packed on it and they were all under umbrellas or cabanas – the first thing he’d see would be me. Sitting there in my two-piece with my friends in their two-pieces. And he’d know that I lied about not wearing my swimsuit in public. And he’d think that when he isn’t around I sneak out with my friends in my swimsuit to pick up boys. That I’m just like every other girl he’s known. And who could blame him? Not me. I felt so guilty that if someone had come up to me and said, “Did you do it?” I’d have said, “Yes.” I wouldn’t even bother asking, “Do what?” So I refused to take off my T-shirt and shorts. No swimming. No sunbathing. Just me on the blanket with a hat on my head reading a book. They all thought I was nuts. But I didn’t care. And I was OK so long as we were all hanging out and talking like usual. But then Nomi, Sara and Maggie went for a swim. I watched them fooling around in the water for a while, but then the nervous feeling came back like a criminal to the scene of the crime. Of course, Connor had been texting me when he could and I’d been answering.
Nt mch. Bttr. Miss u 2
. But then he said how he felt bad for me cooped up in the house on my day off, and I wondered if he was being sarcastic. You know, in case he really did know where I was. That he has that special surveillance equipment Gran talks about that can tell a person’s location from their cell phone. Guilt whacked me again, like a tennis ball going 130mph. I figured I should check out the parking lot. Just to make sure. If his car wasn’t there, then he wasn’t either. I took all our valuables with me and limped up to the boardwalk. Heaved an immense sigh of relief. There was no sign of Connor’s car. That put me in such a good mood that I decided to get some drinks and snacks for everybody.

There was hardly anyone sitting at the tables but there were a lot of people getting stuff. I was waiting to pay, maybe halfway to the register, when I saw him outside. Connor was standing with some guys I didn’t recognize. He must’ve come with them. That’s why I didn’t see his car. I panicked. The thing about panic is that it only involves the let’s-get-out-of-here part of the brain. You don’t assess the situation. You don’t weigh your options. You just move. I moved. I turned around and pushed my way past all the people behind me. Soda sloshed out of the cups on my cardboard tray. Nachos flew to the floor. I was heading for the ladies’ room. There was no way he’d be going in there. I didn’t make it. Somebody grabbed my shoulder. My life was over. All my dreams of love and romance were dead in the sea of disaster, bloated and foul and floating face-down. I was a terrible person who’d become practically a compulsive liar and I was being punished for it. Why didn’t I stay home? Why didn’t I stay on the blanket with a beach towel over my head? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All I had to console me, the only crumb of comfort I had, was that I wasn’t in a swimsuit. At least there was that. Very, very slowly, I turned around. It wasn’t Connor. It was the manager. It said so on his shirt. I started breathing again. And looking past him to see where Connor was. The manager wanted to know where I thought I was going with all that unpaid-for food. The boy I thought was Connor wasn’t. He wasn’t anything like him. The manager wanted to know if I’d heard him. Where did I think I was going with all that unpaid-for food? I couldn’t very well say the bathroom. I said I thought I’d dropped my wallet. Then, because I hadn’t dropped my wallet, I had to make a big thing of going through my bag and being surprised when I found it. Then I had to pay for what was left of our drinks and nachos. Which wasn’t that much. Nomi, Sara and Maggie were all like what is this? Did you get this off somebody’s table or something? I said some little kid ran into me as I came out of the snack bar. I said I was lucky to be alive. At least that part was true.

Connor called me as soon as he got home. He wanted to know how my day was. I said oh you know. Quiet.

It’s just as well your nose doesn’t really grow when you lie. I probably wouldn’t be able to fit in the car by now.

Connor
begged me not to go to pottery tonight. He said he knows how much it means to me but he hopes he means a lot to me, too. (How cute is that?) He wouldn’t ask, but what with the championship and the Bowden men’s annual Labor Day fishing trip, we’re not going to see so much of each other for the rest of the summer. What’s he going to do when he can only see me on weekends? It’ll be like being in jail (but without the cell and the drab clothes and the bad food). How could I say no? But I didn’t want him to hang out here all night in case my mom or Zelda said something about me going to the beach yesterday, so I told him I was yearning for pizza. He said my wish is his command. To kill time and lessen the chance of any of the Big Mouth D’Angelos saying anything to Connor, I dawdled over dinner. It took me ages to decide what I was having. When I finally did make up my mind, and our meals came, if I’d eaten any slower we’d have still been there for lunch tomorrow. By the time we got back, my mom was over at Gran’s, my dad was in bed, and Gus and Zelda were building a wooden dinosaur in the living room. Gus joked that every time I go out with Connor I have an accident. She said at least I’d stopped limping. Connor said he knew I’d be fine if I stayed off my foot for a day. Zelda was concentrating on the dinosaur and oblivious. But Gus glanced over at me. She didn’t say anything about the beach though. All she did was grunt. Connor was looking at me, too. I grabbed his hand and said since it was such a nice night we should sit in the backyard. Now that we practically have a deck. Blissblissbliss. Finally we took a break and I went to get us a cold drink. When I got back he had my cell out. Again. I said, “Don’t tell me you thought I had another call?” He said no he was just curious who was in my phonebook. You know, because he wants to know everything about me. He said, “We don’t have secrets from each other, right?” It sure doesn’t look like it, does it? I said, “Of course not.” He wanted to know who G is. I said that’s my gran. See, it’s a landline. Remember I told you she only has a landline because she’s the enemy of technology? And Grady? Who’s Grady? I said, “You met Grady at Movie Club. He’s going out with Maggie.” Connor said, “You
call
him?” I said I might. You know, if there was an emergency and Maggie was with him and her phone had been run over by a car or eaten by a shark or something, I might call Grady to get hold of her. And Mike? I said, “You know, Michelle Sambucca, the girl I swapped shifts with?” I know it sounds dumb but I was feeling kind of uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than I felt in the restaurant that time. I told him to put down my phone and he said, “In a minute, this is interesting.” I was beside him so I saw him hit my sent messages. I said, “Come on, Connor. I want to talk to you, not look at the top of your head.” He said OK. Only he didn’t put it down. Then he wanted to know why I was texting Ely. Ely! It’s amazing how you can feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. At least I can. I’m getting immensely good at it. Connor was reading one of my texts. What did I mean I’d talk to him on Tuesday? And that there was nothing to worry about? I said I didn’t mean anything. It was just something for work. What? I said the first thing that came into my head. Potatoes. Ely was worried we were going to run out of potatoes. And then I saw Connor go for my inbox. He’d see Ely’s texts to me. There was no way “I’m worried about you again” and “make sure you do” sounded like they had much to do with potatoes. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t order him to put my phone down because then he’d get even more suspicious. I was floundering in another ocean of whys. Why did I ever text anyone? Why didn’t I delete all my messages? Why did I even have a dumb phone? So I panicked. Once again. Action not thought. I made a move as if I was going to hand him his iced tea, but instead I kind of stumbled and spilled it all over him. I don’t know what got into me. Really. I’ve never done anything like that before in my whole life. I kept saying how really sorry I was. And I
was
really sorry. He was soaked. He said he thought I’d killed my phone. I acted as if that was the worst thing that could’ve happened.