One or Two Things I Learned About Love (22 page)

The
Vegetable Avenger and his trusty sidekick Lethal Lettuce are now a regular feature of Fridays on the beach road. I’d say there were at least a dozen new customers today who wanted to be waited on by vegetables. Only one person was negative. No prizes for guessing who that negative person was. Broccoli Man got out of the car this time but only to tell us he thinks we’re cheapening everything Farmer John and the farm stand for. Broccoli Man doesn’t like gimmicks. We have a good product, grown in honest soil with honest toil (I swear that’s what he said), why can’t we just present it simply in all its humble glory? Ely said because it’s more fun dressing like a carrot. Broccoli Man said it’s gimmicks that are ruining this country. Ely said he thought it was corporate greed. Broccoli Man gave him a that-scale’s-off-by-a-fiftieth-of-an-ounce look and asked if that wasn’t what he’d just said. After he finally left I asked Ely what he thinks Broccoli Man does for a living. Ely figures he’s probably part of a scouting party from an alien planet. Either that or he’s something in computers. I said maybe he is a computer. Ely said that’s impossible. Computers work on linear logic.

There was one other person who didn’t think much of our outfits. Connor came to pick me up tonight because the Crashers have a game in Beaconsfield tomorrow and they’re leaving first thing in the morning. I know I told him about the fearless fighters of GM seeds and chemical fertilizers but he still acted surprised when he saw us. As if we’d turned the stand into an ice rink and all the skaters were stuffed toys. All he said was, “Aren’t you two a little old for trick-or-treat?” But I figured from the way his mouth looked like the horizon you see from the middle of an ocean that he didn’t approve. When we got to the car Connor said he wasn’t driving around in daylight with me dressed like a lettuce. I said so next time I’ll dress as an eggplant. He looked as if he thought that was slightly less funny than water boarding. He wanted to know if I dressed like that every week. I said no. Then he said he didn’t know I worked all my shifts with Ely. I said Ely works every shift going. He’s Farmer John’s nephew so he’s practically chained to the stand. And he’s the manager. Farmer John only visits. Connor said, “Oh.” He couldn’t stay out late because he has to get up earlier than the Devil tomorrow. We went to Shep’s Diner for burgers. I like the diner because it has high booths. If you’re sitting in a booth like that there’s no one you can look at but the person on the other side of the table. We played footsie and had a great time. We were still in the car saying goodnight when he said he misses me already. (You couldn’t get any sweeter if you covered it in sugar.)

Connor wanted to know if I gave back the fan. I said yes. Soon I’ll be able to sit on the front porch and tell you if there’s a forest fire in California.

Took
pictures all day to send to Connor. One of me eating breakfast. One of me getting on my bike ready to go to work. One of me putting the vegetables out. One of me eating my lunch. One of me bagging up corn. One of that guy who drives around with his pet crow stopping for peaches. One of the crow pooping on the counter. One of Blue Eyeshadow Lady running away from the crow. And a picture of Ely launching himself at Monsanto just as he was about to pounce on the crow. Ely wanted to know why I was taking so many pictures. I said oh, you know. Ely said he didn’t know. I said Connor says it makes him feel like we’re together even when we’re far apart. Ely said I thought he went to Beaconsfield not Afghanistan. Obviously, I didn’t send Connor the picture of Ely. Even though it’s really funny.

Connor’s not the only one bummed out about the summer being almost over. Everybody wants to cram in as much fun-in-the-sun stuff as they can in the next couple of weeks. Tonight the guys wanted to go out to Shadow Point and have a clambake. Only nobody really likes clams and there’s the whole bathroom issue at Shadow Point. Cristina wanted to have a pool party. Only there’s the whole issue of Lenora at the Palacios’. Nomi said why not just go to hers and start up the fire pit (clambake minus clams and no siblings). Grady and Kruger objected because they really wanted sand in their food and a major body of polluted water to swim in. Nomi said all right, so let’s go to Cristina’s. We went to Nomi’s. Ely came too and brought a bucket of corn. Compliments of Farmer John. Louie and Ely started nagging me about joining the cast of
Vegetable Avenger: The Movie
. They want to go over to Apple Creek and just hang out while Louie follows us around filming people’s reactions. They’re convinced it’ll be thousands of times better if the Avenger has Lethal Lettuce with him. They wouldn’t let up on me. So finally I said I’d do it just to shut them up. I knew Connor would be texting as soon as the team was on its way back home so I had my phone in my pocket. Had to keep going to the bathroom to check it. Louie wanted to know if I’d discovered the door to Narnia at the back of the shower stall. I said yes. Connor kept texting.
We won. Great game. Going for ribs. What are you doing?
I said I was watching a movie with Zelda.
Waiting for bus. Tired. Miss you. Send me a picture.
The send-me-a-picture gave me a problem. I wasn’t at home. If I sent him a picture of me in the Slevkas’ bathroom he’d want to know where I was. I should’ve told him I was at Gran’s. Then I could’ve taken my picture by the sink and he wouldn’t have known the difference. But he’d know the difference between the Slevkas’ sink and ours. Theirs is turquoise. I’m getting really used to feeling guilty. And panicky. But that doesn’t mean I like it. My palms sweat and my heart thinks it’s a horse in the Kentucky Derby. I looked around for something neutral I could stand against so I could take a head shot. Nothing. Nomi’s mother doesn’t do neutral. The bathroom’s all stripes and patterns and wake-up colours that clash with turquoise. I headed into the hall. Mr and Mrs Slevka were at their line-dancing class so I didn’t have to worry about suddenly bumping into them. What I did have to worry about was Mrs Slevka’s idea of home decor. This is a woman who’s never heard of ivory, magnolia or white. Even the refrigerator’s pink. And there isn’t a bare spot anywhere that’s larger than a fist. So she hasn’t heard of minimalism either. When Nomi found me, I was in the hall closet. She said, “What are you doing Hildy?” I said I was taking a picture.

The
last thing we do in yoga class is
shavasana
. It sounds like something intricate and exotic, but it’s just lying on the floor. You’re supposed to empty your mind and go into super-deep relaxation. People have been known to fall asleep, but because everybody’s eyes are closed, no one notices unless you start snoring so loud that a dozen eyes pop open and Nomi kicks you in the shin. Anyway I wasn’t asleep today but I couldn’t get my mind to empty. Connor was doing a late shift and wanted to meet me first, but I was already on my way to class when he texted so I said I couldn’t. I took a picture of myself holding my mat so he wouldn’t feel too left out. So that’s what I was thinking about during
shavasana
. That maybe I should’ve met him. It was day 23. Our time together should be precious to me. If there’s one thing I’m learning it’s that love is about compromise. Give and take. It’s not just mememe. Which is what’s so special about it. And why it’s supposed to make you a nicer person (though it doesn’t always seem to be working that well on me). I was lying there listening to everybody breathing, but I was worried that now Connor thought I didn’t care about him as much as I said. As much as he cares about me. Not if I’d rather do standing forward bends than see him. It was really distracting. I kept trying to empty my mind but guilt kept shoving all these thoughts back in. And then I heard my name. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought maybe I was doing better at meditating than usual and put myself in a trance. I heard a few more words that I couldn’t make out. I was first in the row nearest the door and the voice was on the other side. It was a familiar voice but in the wrong place. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Like in a dream when you’re walking across the desert and you run into your grandmother selling lemonade out of a truck and that’s when you know you’re asleep. Only I wasn’t. And then I heard my name again.
Hildy D’Angelo
. It wasn’t Gran. It was Connor. I didn’t even know he knew where the class was. I opened my eyes and scrambled to my feet. Sunia was right at the front, sitting in lotus position. She was looking at me. You don’t see Sunia scowl much because she’s attained inner peace and harmony, but she was scowling then. I mouthed “emergency” and bolted for the door. I didn’t say anything till I got him out on the street. And then I asked him what was wrong. What happened? He wasn’t bleeding or anything but I figured it must be something pretty major. He said he just wanted to see where I was. I said, “What?” I know if I had a picture of me right then, I’d be smiling the way you would if you opened the fridge door and instead of cheese and eggs and cold cuts and a jar of mayonnaise, you were looking at a field of sunflowers. I said but you knew where I was. I told you I was going to yoga. He said yeah, he just wanted to make sure. I said sure of what? He said you know. But I didn’t. He said sure you were here. At first I thought he meant safe. In case I’d been suffocated by a plague of locust on my way over. But that wasn’t it. In case I didn’t really go to yoga. So I was right. He thought it was weird that I’d rather go to class than see him. By the time we got it all straightened out everybody was leaving and Connor had to get to work. Nomi wanted to know what that was all about. I said oh you know. Nomi said tell me. I said he wanted to surprise me by being here when I came out. Just because a person smiles doesn’t mean she’s happy. “He’s full of surprises, isn’t he?” said Nomi. I was supposed to go home with her but I could tell from the way she was swinging her mat back and forth that she was going to want to have a talk about how full of surprises Connor is. She always wants to know “why”. Why this? Why that? How come? Butbutbutbutbut. She’s driven more than one teacher crazy with that stuff. She nearly had Mrs Stepney in tears once over Manifest Destiny. So I said I’d forgotten all about it but I couldn’t go with her after all because I had to go somewhere with my folks. Nomi wanted to know where. I said it was Aunt Lonnie’s birthday. I half expected her to ask me how old Aunt Lonnie is today but what she asked was how I could forget something like that. I said because I’m very self-involved.

Somewhere on the beautiful island of Maui, people are looking up and wondering where that enormous nose came from.

I was pretty amazed that my mom wrote down the address for the new yoga studio. She’s not usually that organized. She said she was happy not to disappoint me – she isn’t that organized. She has no idea where it is. I said then how could you tell Connor where it is? She said she didn’t. I said well who did? She said do I look like a mind reader? Hardly. She had on rubber gloves and one of those facemasks she bought last time there was a flu scare. She looked like a woman who was cleaning the oven.

More practice tonight for the Thrashers. Everybody in the Mob went over to Grady’s for a barbecue (safer than Maggie’s) but I couldn’t go because I was at Aunt Lonnie’s celebrating her birthday three months early. Started to make a list of what stuff to put into the Fall arts and crafts fair, but I’ve hardly made anything all summer. Haven’t even finished the Masiados’ mugs. Listened to the CD Connor made me instead till my dad banged on my door wanting to know how many more times I was going to play it. He said you do have headphones, you know.