More than Just Sex (7 page)

For a few, however, the girls’ scores will be higher than you rate yourself. If this is the case, then there really are only two possible reasons: 1) you have low self-esteem and do not value the great things about you that others definitely will, if only you give them the chance; or 2) you are all style and no substance and really you know it! You likely find it easy to get girls interested, but struggle to keep them once they find out that what they see is what they get… in a bad way, because there is very little under the surface to back it up.

If you are lacking self-confidence, then please read on. Anyway, well done for making it this far, and I promise you that you are in good hands here. There is not a guy on the planet who has not had ‘What would she see in me?’ thoughts and felt nervous, even scared at the thought of approaching someone they are really attracted to.

Don’t worry, there are chapters in this book to address your specific issues, where you will learn how to make it really easy and get some tips from real-life experience. It’ll all be fine, I promise!

If, on the other hand, you are all show and no go, then perhaps it’s time to take stock of what’s not yet on the inside and do some work there. You obviously have no problem externalizing. The problem is backing it up. If this is you, then you are still in the right place to develop, although you’ll probably also want to look at where the biggest disconnect is, and work to bring those two scores into balance. That’s where you’ll get your biggest meaningful benefit. As I said before, this book is not about just ‘pulling a hot girl’; this is a book for real guys who want a meaningful sustainable
relationship with someone special. I know you do, or you wouldn’t have read this far.

Please do yourself a favour and stop just polishing the veneer. You are already OK. Perhaps you don’t see it quite yet, but when you work on developing yourself and bring everything into better balance, you will attract the type of girl who wants you, the
real
you, and that will be so much better.

Remember that a girl will only date someone one point lower or higher than herself on her perceived 1–10 scale, and will only stick around if that impression is a reality. So if she thinks she’s a 9 but you’re a 6, then you have no chance! You may well be a really nice guy, and in fact, if she only got to know you she’d find out that you are actually an 8.5, but if you can’t make the right first impression and get her interested, you will never give her the chance to find out.

‘When a good first impression actually turns out to be true, there is nothing sexier than that to me!’

Lauren Carter, international model and actress

So next time you see a real hottie walking down the street, just think: she could be your soul mate if only she knew you. But, if you are not externalizing the real you, neither of you will ever know, and that would really suck. But if she thinks you are a 9 and you turn out to be a 6, it’s the same sorry story: she’ll be off… Simple as that!

But for most, the scores will be higher on the catch-potential side and lower on the catch-ability side, and so the work you need to do is on externalizing the real you
so that she can quickly judge what she might be getting her hands on. Not just what you
have
but also, much more importantly, who you
are
.

Take a look at all your feedback and pay attention to any obvious patterns. Is there one area where your score is particularly low? Are there any real surprises? Look at all the data and study it for obvious disconnects. If you are an accountant and most girls think you’re a farmer, you’ll know what I mean. If you earn plenty but most girls say they would donate 20p to your next coffee, you’ll get the idea, too.

Now that you have something meaningful to work with, there will be some very obvious places to start making the changes you need, and it doesn’t have to cost the Earth either.

PREENING

I remember a little while ago, I did something really simple and just changed my hairstyle from what could best be described as ‘bed head’, which was definitely the fashion at the time (but obviously not the look for me), to a more groomed look. I actually did it for a TV show I was appearing on, having decided that I really needed to smarten up a bit, but the results in terms of the amount of attention I got were amazing. Had I been looking for a date, those few pounds spent on a trim and some product would have been the best money ever spent. But it’s not about any one thing, it’s the overall presentation and the ‘impression’ that’s important.

We know that there is a lot more to you than just the superficial but how you present yourself really is important. Get that wrong and you’ll never get the chance to get the rest right.

A really beautiful woman in a bar in London once told me that I looked like I was in a whisky commercial. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, to her slight embarrassment. ‘Well, you look strong and full of character and a little rugged, but smooth at the same time… I think it’s the jacket that does it, but not just that… it’s maybe the way you carry yourself.’ Now, I am not at all accustomed to this kind of personal critiquing, or such compliments for that matter, and I think it was just after the haircut, too, but I do remember thinking ‘I’ll take that, good work Ali!’

You see, if I am totally honest, I had been doing a little bit of research for this book and wondered just how easy it really was to externalize what was on the inside. Apparently it’s just as easy as I thought! You will also notice that all her comments were about ‘qualities’: about
who
she thought I
was
not what she thought I
had
.

Believe it or not us guys are actually much more superficial than women. We describe looks, while women describe ‘qualities’. We describe the outside, while she describes the ‘inside’. When you dress the character of the real you, it is to convey the overall impression of your qualities, not just a collection of things and badges of success. It all has to blend together and exude the real authentic you. To exude those nine key lifelines you chose for yourself earlier.

If you were directing the character of the ‘authentic’ you, what would you do? How would you dress for the part? How would you move? Where would you hang out? We’ll come to that last one shortly, but first I have another exercise for you.

Homework

Pay Attention

I want you to start really paying attention. Not to fashion, which comes and goes with the seasons, pay attention to ‘style’ and to what your look would be if you were to capture the essence of you in a photograph. Remember, you have a 3.7-second window of opportunity, so externalizing the real you is SO important. Not overselling, but definitely not underselling either. In fact, not selling at all – just letting the real you come to the surface, so that what’s on the inside is very obvious just from what’s seen on the outside. You need to get this right, because when you do, you will notice an amazing difference in how women react to you. It’s almost like she can smell the incongruity when it’s not right and just stays well away. But when you do get it right and all the parts of you line up, it will be like someone has suddenly turned on the flow of opportunity for you.

Suddenly you’ll make sense to women

If there is an obvious disconnect somewhere, then start by fixing that bit first. That’s the difference that will make the biggest difference. Then methodically take each area in turn and ask yourself how you can increase your score
there by just one point out of 10 for each. Please remember that this is all about perception and that your adjustments should always be in an upward direction. So if the biggest disconnect is with regard to income and you earn more than you exude – then the exercise is how to make yourself more congruent and appear to earn what you do, not to find ways to earn less! In effect, you are baiting your hook with the best ‘you’ bait to make it your lucky DAY (Display the Authentic You).

Baiting your hook

If you are fishing for mackerel, you use a certain type of bait. Generally anything bright and flashy with a hook will do the trick. Mackerel are easy. If they are biting, anyone can catch one, but you would not go home bragging to your mates about it. Salmon, on the other hand, are much more discerning, much harder to catch and impossible to entice with a flashy mackerel lure. So if you are fishing for salmon you have to use the right bait to attract them, right? AND you have to dangle that bait in the way they like it and exactly where the salmon are looking. Even with the right bait, there is no point going fly-fishing for salmon in the ocean. All you’ll catch is a cold, because you’ll be there for a very long time!

The right bait in the right pond where the right fish are, that is the secret, and that is exactly what we are going to work on next. Once you can convey the real you openly, you need to go where you are desired, where you are desirable and would be considered quite a catch… if you’ll pardon the pun.

Are you making life unnecessarily hard for yourself? OK, stop and think about this: have you ever seen a couple and thought, ‘What on earth does she see in him?’ He might be overweight, bald, badly dressed or just look really ‘reliable and average’, and yet there he is with a gorgeous girl. While there you are, smart, intelligent, funny, and really hungry from trying to get that killer six-pack (because you read somewhere that women love it) but above all, single!

Have you ever found yourself wondering what his secret is? I bet you have, and when you stop and think about it, the answer is remarkably simple if not obvious.

Stop wondering what his secret is… He simply has something that she finds attractive.

It might be that she is successful in business and he is the artist who taps into her romantic side, or that she’s
a risk-taker and Mr Really Reliable and Average gives her the stability and security she craves. But make no mistake, whatever it is he has something that she wants.

And so do you!

Women don’t want what we think they want. You know that saying ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’? There are, but most guys go fishing with what they think is their best bait in the wrong pond. Don’t spend time, money and effort changing and polishing different attraction hooks, because…

If you’re not in a pond where the fish are biting, you’re not fishing, you’re just worm drowning.

When you think about it, it makes much more sense to go where the right kind of fish are hungry for what you naturally have to offer.

Imagine being adored for something so effortless that you might even take it for granted. If that sounds too good to be true, read on, it’s remarkably simple.

So far, you have identified your best qualities and you’re clear on the impression that you want to convey to the waiting female world. You have adopted the role of wardrobe and props department and director for the character of you in the movie that is your dating life, and now it’s time to figure out where is the best fit between supply and demand. Where you are already in high demand but just don’t know it yet.

I am talking in marketing terms rather a lot in this part of the book. That’s because marketing the product of ‘you’ is exactly what we are doing right now. We are refining
your brand position from your market research, and then figuring out where to place you for the best, most desirable and fastest result. This is not fluffy fantasy; this is cold, hard and totally fulfilling fact.

Now, here’s the thing. The reason we are paying such close attention to what others think is because, let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter what you think, does it? Well not here anyway; in this instance, it matters who finds you attractive, both inside and out, because only then do you have choices; you have options and abundance, and you will be surprised, too.

The hot girl wants to be with a genuine guy, a real guy, a good guy like you… but she wants you on a good day. You, who can take control, be a man and, most important, be a man she can respect. There is no amount of chasing that can replace her desire for you and her desire to please.