More than Just Sex (3 page)

In a relationship I am not
___________________
or
___________________

Now, for a little while just allow yourself to sit and wonder what might be possible if there were no pressure on you to ‘fix’ anything or figure anything out for yourself right now. What might be possible if you just gave responsibility for
delivering the best possible outcome over to something or someone else? Imagine that the thing you hand it over to is far greater than you and I, and is far wiser and far more powerful than you or I ever could be.

Take a minute to dream a little and get lost in what might be possible… and then hold that thought and read on.

Great… so that’s you in a relationship, the way you have been and the way it has been for you. Now it’s time to start thinking about what you want instead. Remember the pyramid:

You don’t have to consciously figure out the level at which you need to make the changes (although it actually might
be obvious now). Your unconscious mind is already open and on the case, ready to absorb and guide you as you read on.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR PARTNER?

Before we go any further, let’s get all the stock answers out of the way.

Do you really want a walking talking Barbie, whose hobbies are giggling and trying to remember her own name, and who thinks ‘faithful’ is a new perfume? I doubt it!

You do not need to know
who
you want in order to get really clear on
what
you want. In order to get clear on which attributes you
need
her to have, which you’d
like
her to have and which you
hope
she might have…

Let’s begin by making a list of your MUST-haves and fundamental NEEDS, the things without which you just couldn’t have a relationship with anyone.

Then, let’s get a list of the ‘likes’, which are the attributes that you would ‘like’ her to have in order to have a harmonious time together.

And finally, a list of ‘hopes’, which are the attributes and qualities that you ‘hope’ that she might have, or at least have on a good day with a following wind. What comes to mind for you as you think about it now?

Use the figure below to create the
G.o.D.
(
Girl of Dreams
) that you really want.

No one is perfect, and let’s be absolutely clear, the ‘perfect’ girl does not exist. That said, some people are obviously much better fits than others. We need to find the attributes that will ensure that she is a really good fit for you. I say ‘ensure’, because what’s the point otherwise? We’ve already said that you don’t just want a one-night stand or a shallow, vacuous liaison, so it’s time to not settle for anything or anyone less than what you are really looking for. You want someone who will fulfil you at as many levels as possible. After all, if you’re with the wrong woman, you
might be missing the right woman who is passing you by. How gutting would that be? There you are, trying to make the square-peg Miss OK For Now fit into the round hole of your affections, while Miss Rounded And Right is walking away into the arms of someone else. Gutting!

It’s time to settle for nothing less than great! For
you
…

Everyone is different (thankfully) and your girl may not be the one that’s right for your best friend or your brother (hope not anyway – that could be weird!) or anyone else for that matter. So to find your happiness you need to find YOUR girl, the one who will make YOU happy regardless of anyone else.

What do you NEED, LIKE, HOPE to find in your perfect woman?

The best way I know to find out which values REALLY fit for you in a partner is to get clear on the values and attributes that you most recognize and value in
yourself.

Homework

Use your man below to make three lists:

• The first should list the three qualities that you value most in yourself.
  
• The second list should include the things you are effortlessly good at doing. What do you enjoy? What makes you smile, happy, proud?
  
• The third list is your wish list. In an ideal world and, as I said before, ‘on a good day with a following wind’, what traits would you love to exude or have?
  

Now just read over your lists. Is anything missing? Add it in if it is…

The first list is a list of ‘feeling’ things, so there should be nothing you can physically touch or do.

The second list will be the things you ‘do’, and should include nothing you can touch or feel.

The third list consists of qualities and attributes.

These nine ‘beings’, ‘doings’ and ‘exudings’ are the very essence of you, the things that matter to you about
you. These are your brand values and the foundation of lots of the work we are going to develop from this point on. You
will
find your happiness and the girl of your dreams when you find the girl who aligns with these values, regardless of what you said earlier about what you ‘think’ you are looking for, and these solid foundations in you are the most important part of any great creation.

So before we go on, just take a moment to go back and make sure that your nine key factors are the ones that really represent you, the real you. Like most people, what you have written initially is your sound bite: your off-the-cuff, elevator-pitch answers. Read on, but when you reach the end of the chapter, come back and review your lists and make any changes you need so that they reflect the ‘real’ you.

But as you read, and as your subconscious begins to process what we are doing and creates the freedom to change, you can look forward to some new thoughts and feelings coming up. Don’t question where they come from. Just allow them to form. Forget what you think you ‘should’ write down. The real, authentic YOU can and will have the girl that’s the right fit for you, but ONLY if you stop pretending and trying to be someone you’re not. It’s time to get real! Time to get honest with yourself. When you realize that there are millions of single women in the world and that you are learning the formula for your success, you’ll know that there are more than enough hotties to go round.

So do not ever lie about yourself – you
will
get found out – and always be congruent with who you really are.

If you feel like you have to lie about your life to improve your relationships it’s not your relationships that are the problem, it’s your life. Sort that out and stop faking it.

THE PAST IS… PAST!

It doesn’t matter what your history has been or how successful (or otherwise) you have been in the past and it certainly doesn’t matter what your thoughts tell you about who you think you can have. Thoughts are just thoughts – they are not real. Sure, they can appear to be real, and if you allow them to influence you then your resulting actions can make them real. But while they are still in your head, thoughts are just thoughts and no more real than the last movie you saw. Just because you thought something it doesn’t make it right.

Catch yourself saying ‘I think’ and substitute ‘I’m making up that…’

Also, you do not control your thoughts anyway, so once you shift your thinking from scarcity to abundance and stack
things that are real in your favour, using the techniques I’ll show you, you will never be short of options, but it all starts with being the real, true, authentic you.

Reality check

Think about this for a second: the average person has six good friends. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to ‘fit in’; you’ll probably have six good friends, and it doesn’t matter if you are just the true authentic you, you’re still likely to have just six good friends. They will be different people, but with one set you’ll have to keep polishing your fake veneer to keep the connection. There are more than enough people to go round, and you being you and true is so desirable, and much more attractive to people like you than a fake phoney ‘should’ shell of someone that is trying too hard and getting tired from keeping up the pretence.

Take a deep breath, cast off the ‘should’ shell and relax back into the real you. I promise you this: when you meet the right girl she’ll LOVE YOU for it!

Homework