More than Just Sex (5 page)

Your catch-ability is the guy they think they are getting on first impressions. Now, for a successful relationship, the impression and the reality MUST be congruent and in balance.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that they must be congruent for you to simply pull.

Quite the opposite in fact. Guys with a high catch-potential score very often find it incredibly easy to
get
women. Their problem is
keeping
them. These are the guys who, if they were a product, would attract the beady eye of trading standards for false advertising. You know the sort:
PVCs
(
Peacocking Vacuous Chancers
), all style over substance, where the ‘perceived’ status bears little or no resemblance to the real thing. The kind of guy who will borrow his friend’s Porsche to impress a girl on the first date, then make up stories about it being in for repair on the second and the insurance being too high so he’s decided to sell it by the third. (Trust me, if he could actually afford the Porsche, he wouldn’t need to worry about the insurance premium!) Any relationship founded on false pretences is doomed from the very start. Ever wondered why you get a first date but rarely a second?

If you can’t get a second date, she’s checked you out, done her research and found you wanting, I’ll guarantee it!

Equally, you could be the best catch in the club, supermarket, dating site or wherever it is that you choose to showcase your man-product. But if you cannot externalize the real you, then no one is ever going to find your witty, compassionate, heart of gold. If it’s wrapped in a dog-eared package, then you are selling yourself way too short.

Score too high on the difference and you are all trousers and no stuffing. Score too low and you are underselling yourself and will never be really satisfied, because you’ll always be looking around for the girl you think you deserve. Just like my client with the job problem, you know you can do better but are too scared to try.

If you want a meaningful relationship, your score has to be in balance and you have to be fishing in the pond where your particular brand of balance is desirable to the women who hang out there.

Balance, that’s the key… balance! It’s OK to have high scores, so long as they are high on both sides of the ‘potential/ability’ equation.

SELLING YOUR ‘SIZZLE’
AND
YOUR ‘SAUSAGE’

What we are really talking about here is marketing your personal ‘brand’. It’s time to think of yourself as a product for a change, and you are in charge of packaging, branding and delivery. As with any successful product all the values
of the brand have to line up in order for it to catch the eye and satisfy the consumer.

The basic product can be the same, but the perception and values may be very different. The magic is in the mix and in making sure that you are congruent in every area of your life.

Take two well-known brands just as an example: Ryanair and Virgin Upper Class. Both are very successful, and both provide basically the same service, but in very different ways and to very different customers. In essence, both fly people from A to B and have more or less the same safety and punctuality record, so on paper there’s really not much to choose between them. Just like you and the guy next to you at the bar: similar physique, similar language, both out to find someone special… When you look beyond the ‘theory’, however, you find that Ryanair and Virgin obviously have very different brand values and perception of status.

With Ryanair, you obviously start off with very low expectations in terms of customer care. They charge you for any extras, you have to do most of the work yourself, and even check-in is regarded as something of a ‘luxury’. Virgin Upper Class, on the other hand, sends a chauffeur to collect you. They take away the hassle of queuing and check-in, and even offer you your choice of wine from an extensive sommelier-selected list. They would never dream of asking you to pay for anything on board, not even a massage.

Two very different businesses, both very profitably delivering the same outcome but in totally different ways
to very different people. The one thing they have in common beyond the physical is that everything lines up and is congruent with their individual brand values. They both clearly set out what to expect and then deliver on those expectations without exception. How long do you think Ryanair would be in business if they sent a chauffeur to collect their passengers? Or if Virgin asked Upper Class passengers to pay for a cup of coffee? Not very long right? The people who identify with the brand would desert them in droves.

Now think about YOU. What are your ‘brand’ values? Are you externalizing them in a way that makes them obvious to the outside world?

DO PEOPLE INSTANTLY ‘GET’ YOU?

It doesn’t matter if you score high like Virgin or low like Ryanair. What’s important is that you’re congruent. You need to have everything totally and congruently lined up in order to resonate with the right person to have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.

Actually, I’m going to put a caveat in here. I’m not so sure that it’s OK to have too low a score. If you are scoring lower than about a 5, it’s not a question of perception, it’s a question of having to buck your ideas up and make an effort not just to polish the veneer but to get some substance and bait on your hook. But wherever you are and whatever your score (within reason), there is a girl out there for you, but you must make sure it’s your DAY (Display the Authentic You).

Now go back and check if you want to change your nine lifelines. Refine them if you need to. When you’re ready, we’ll move on.

So far, you’ve audited, probed and tested yourself, but let’s be honest, when it comes to dating it’s not really what
you
think that matters! No offence, but if we are going to move this along, it matters more what
she
thinks, so it’s time to take your progress out into the real world.

Your catch-potential score from earlier is ………………….

But what score do you think a complete stranger would give you? How do you come across? What is the first impression that you give to the people you meet?

You’ll remember that when you listed your three core qualities, I asked, ‘But how will she know that?’ I’m sure you can see why now.

How, in a split second, would she get a reasonably accurate sense of who you are on the inside just by what you are giving off externally? If I were with you right now, would I get a sense of the real you? Or are you externalizing only one facet of your character, or a different character entirely?

Without necessarily intending to, we men can be very, very misleading. If you are wondering why you are not forming the right romantic relationships, it could simply be because there is a disconnect between your inside self and your outside image.

Friends of mine would tell you that I am a scruffy bugger at best. I like to think of it as ‘rock star’ chic, but without that filter and any other context it’s just plain scruffy. And I remember this being rather embarrassingly brought home to me one day a few years ago. I was already successful in my career, was very settled and comfortable with myself, and had a nice home and home life and lots of the trappings of success – to be blunt, I was doing well! But one day I missed my train. So I got a coffee and, in the absence of any available seats, sat down on the floor of the station concourse with my back against the wall. I was just rummaging in my bag for my iPod when I heard a splash and looked over to see ripples radiating across the top of my latte. Confused, I looked up to be met by the expectant expression on the face of the ‘kind’ commuter who had just donated 20p to my next coffee fund. She obviously thought I was homeless and begging… and she was cute, too!

Like I said, I’m a little scruffy sometimes, but my appearance completely belied my inner contentment and success and I was judged appropriately. Wrongly, but appropriately so I laughed and offered the girl her money back.

Now, this is obviously an extreme example, but if you are not showing the real you to the world, how the hell do you expect the world to see it and appreciate it?

Fieldwork

Start with yourself. Look in the mirror and ask, ‘Would I date me?’ Then ask, ‘If I didn’t know me, what kind of guy would I assume I was?’

1. ______________________________________
   
2. ______________________________________
   
3. ______________________________________
   

Then ask three friends who they ‘think’ you are. They are not allowed to give you any more than a one-sentence answer, so ask them ‘In just a few words, who do you think I am?’ Quite apart from all the likely jokes, you’ll get your first real insight into the likely disconnect between who you believe you are and who others (even close friends) believe you to be.

Take a guess at the score they would give you ………………

Then (and this is the big one that will make ALL the difference) I want you to do some real-world market research with your actual personal target market. (My clients tell me on a very regular basis that this also happens to be one of the ‘lines’ that works well.) You are going to go and actually talk to women. You are not asking them out on a date, not yet, but we do need to know what they think of you.

Now you have to be prepared to be told to sod off a few times, and be respectful that not everyone will want to help with our little experiment, but you will be amazed at the insight you will get if you go along with it.

If you want to create a little mask behind which to play this game, buy yourself a clipboard before you go out into the street.

Fieldwork

Approach only girls that you genuinely find attractive, the kind you might like to date if you could.

Remember, there are only two types of girls. Those you are attracted to and those you’re not. Approach only girls who raise your flag (for whatever reason).

Tell them that you are doing a study of first impressions, because we want to know what their first impression is of you. Ask them all the same set of questions, jotting down their answers as you go. You know the kind of thing: What do you think I do for a living? How much do you think I earn? What do you think my opinion is on (pick something that matters to you) and, finally, I’m not asking you out, but would you go on a date with a guy ‘
like me’
, based on those assumptions?

Remember you are NOT ‘chatting up’ these girls with intent. This is for research purposes only, so it should feel just as easy as if you went out into the street to ask what their favourite brand of cola was or which way to the station. It’s just data gathering, and you will find it SO useful when it comes to the rebranding exercise we are going to do to show the world the real authentic you.

Also, remember you can only see from the inside out, and others can only see from the outside in, so in order to make a meaningful connection, we need to find a way to get the real you out there for her to see it.

Now I’m not talking about becoming one of those really annoying guys who is deeply in touch with his feelings and has to share EVERYTHING with everyone he meets. What I am talking about is stopping people from getting the wrong impression of you because your packaging doesn’t match the product, and that is totally fair.