More than Just Sex (4 page)

Now do the same exercise we did in the last section, but this time for the girl of your dreams. Beside each of your own entries, write a complementary quality that you would love to have in your partner.

You will notice that at no point, in describing your ideal girl, have I asked you her hair colour, breast size or body type. That’s because, when it comes to finding your Miss Meaningful, those things don’t really mean anything. Sure they are nice to have and you have to be physically attracted, but let’s be honest: do you really care if the girl of your dreams is a blonde or brunette? Of course not! If she is going to make you happy for the rest of your life, will it matter if she isn’t 34–24–34? Not a chance. Just as finding happiness within you is always an inside-out process so, too, is finding happiness with someone else. Of course the packaging is important, but… you are attracted to whom you are attracted.

In our subconscious mind there is no 7, 8, 9 or even perfect 10. There is only ‘attracted’ and ‘not attracted’ she either raises your flag or she doesn’t, end of story!

And if she doesn’t have the right parts on the inside how she’s packaged on the outside is going to wear thin really quickly. You’ll be left with nothing more than a very frustrating trophy, and looking around thinking there must be something more. Sound familiar?

THE NEW LAWS OF ATTRACTION

The world is a very different place than it was when the ‘conventional’ dating rules were set. From primitive, animalistic shows of strength, plumage and courage to
more recently where you might meet and marry the cute local girl or even just the one that would have you. In those days, you were regarded as a ‘catch’ if you could just reliably provide for your family.

Times have changed, but generally we men haven’t really moved with those times. We still pride ourselves on our ability to go out hunting wildebeest, albeit on the corporate plain these days. We still tend to try to impress and posture with our plumage and pecs or our cars and watches, while women around the world are looking at us and wondering what the hell we are doing.

‘Be yourself – it’s such a cliché, I know, but stop trying to impress me with your banker job and flash car – show me who you really are. There’s a totally false presumption that attractive successful women have guys all over them; we do, but rarely the ones we want. I like the fact that you’re confident enough to come over to speak to me and are comfortable enough to be you.’

Beth Reacher, former top City recruiter and founder of
thecareerstylist.com

The girl with the career and the nice apartment of her own is not likely to be impressed by your bling watch and slick physique – that’s just your
SSF
(
Stuff Shit Fest
). She already has plenty of ‘stuff’ herself, and is not looking for you to provide more. Neither is she looking for you to protect her from anything. She wants something else and I’ll bet you don’t even realize what it is or that you already have it in abundance.

Of course you don’t and the more preening and posturing you do, the more you are actually hiding what she is looking for, and turning her off faster than you can imagine.

Fieldwork

Next time you’re out, just look around and notice the antics of your fellow mating males. How much BS is being thrown around trying to ‘impress’? How many visible displays of social status are on show? And, perhaps more important, how much ‘hunting’ of prey is going on? Lots, right? And how many of those guys are in meaningful relationships? None! Some may well be in relationships, but they are certainly not ‘meaningful’ ones if they are out trying to pick up girls in bars. None of them are in meaningful, fulfilling relationships, so why on earth would you do what they’re doing? How many of them go home on their own? In other words, how many women does their behaviour attract? Very, very few!

Sure, the hot girl might be a little flattered by tales of how she’s so beautiful or how she’s captivated you with her eyes. She might even give the time of day to your latest boardroom prowess and tell you how clever you are, but I guarantee she’ll be thinking either, ‘How do I get rid of him?’ or ‘What can I get out of him first?’

Relationships built at this level are always a trade-off. If you engage at the superficial, you will have a superficially fulfilling relationship unless, of course, you find a way to deepen it. Put simply, if a relationship is based on looks and the looks go, then so will the relationship. If it’s based on money, fame or even just hollow compliments, then when those go so will she. Is that really what you want?

Do you really want a relationship built on such shaky foundations? You don’t have to do it to yourself. You don’t have to be like those other guys; you can do it differently. The girl will be just as hot – probably hotter, in fact, because really attractive women are hit on ALL the time – but despite what you might think, they are often single because they can detect and deflect BS from across the room. Imagine being the guy that she
is
attracted to. The one she wants to get to know and spend time with, the one
she
will pursue… that can and will be you, and there is absolutely no BS required. Forget most of what the PUA guys tell you. They are not building meaningful relationships; they are building egos and short-term pleasure, but long-term, just disappointment for everyone.

Homework

Right, let us take a look at you from her perspective: from the outside.
You
know yourself inside and out already – that’s the internal list that you created earlier – but how will
she
know the real you?

What are the qualities that you’d love her to see in you and judge you on? They might even be the things that you personally check in with on a regular basis to let yourself know that you’re OK. I know a few very successful guys who, despite having all the external trappings of success, value and check in with their creativity. After all, that’s what created the trappings, so their creativity rather than their Ferrari would be the thing they really value most. Does that make sense? It is their creativity that got them the Ferrari in the first place.

These qualities could be any of a great many things. Not necessarily things that you usually see as sexy or cool or that you would want on a slogan across your T-shirt but we have moved beyond all that now. These are the things that really matter and are the very essence of you.

And if they are the essence of you, then by the very definition they’re effortless. You don’t have to work hard at them, there is nothing to ‘keep up’ and there is no veneer to keep polishing. It’s just the way it is for you. You are attractive to women – put the ‘real’ you on show in the right place and wow!

So what are they? In fact, what are your top three?

List them now, in no particular order:

1. ______________________________________
   
2. ______________________________________
   
3. ______________________________________
   

OK, so you know that those three things sit right at the core of you and who you are, but how will she know that?

Today is your DAY, time to start to
Display
the
Authentic You
(
DAY
). She won’t know unless you show her and if you don’t show her quickly you’ll never get the chance to show her at all. So we are going to have to find ways to externalize the real you so that not only do you know your virtues, she will too, and fast; first impressions fast!

Soon you’ll learn how to externalize your true self and have lots of lucky DAYs. But before we get there, I want you to assess yourself honestly on what you have to work with.

Assess yourself (honestly) in terms of THE biggest areas you’ll be judged on immediately by any prospective partner. Be completely honest and objective. This is not the place for limiting beliefs, but neither is it the place for delusional bravado. This is where you put on your accounting hat and do a little honest auditing of yourself as a potential date. Give yourself an accurate score for each item: 1 being rubbish and 10 fantastic. So if you know you are smart but not much of a looker, rate yourself accordingly.

SCORE SHEET

*(Divide your score by 10 to get your overall catch-potential score)

Your catch-potential score is the real you, the guy they get (in your opinion) if they were to have a relationship with you. We are going to work on your catch-‘ability’ in the next chapter. Knowing that women generally won’t date more than one point below their own perceived catch-potential score then your catch-ability score must be as close to your catch-potential score as possible for you to be perfectly optimized in the dating market.