More than Just Sex (8 page)
DON’T GO CHASING… YOU’LL ONLY CHASE HER AWAY
Now in my time I’ve had plenty of what you might call ‘Jo’ jobs – you know the kind of thing. Long before ‘celebrity life coach’ came ‘casual leisure attendant’, which has got to be about as low down the scale as it’s possible to be and still technically have a job. Nothing so grand as ‘leisure attendant’ for me, no, I was only ‘casual’. Followed by a spell working in a clothes shop (which didn’t go well) then a seaweed factory (a dry spell in my dating history). I even had a stint selling stuff door to door, although I preferred to think of it as ‘direct marketing’
at the time, but that summer spent knocking on doors in the rain was honestly the best education in humanity, psychology and attitude preservation I have ever had. It taught me so much about people and myself, and how I am, or at least ‘was’, with others. Above all, it taught me the three distinctions of distinction.
Remember this mantra: Cool, but not cold. Interested, but not intense. Discerning, but never desperate.
If you have ever had any kind of service job, think about this. You have two customers. Both are polite enough, but while one is happy and eager to be pleased, grateful for your service and keen to be ‘no trouble at all’, the other is a little more reserved, not rude, but more sullen than smiley. The second customer has not complained, well not yet. But you have the distinct feeling that they might. There’s nothing you can quite put your finger on, but they are definitely cooler and more discerning.
Which one do you give more attention? It’s the second one, isn’t it? And it would be the same for me, too, and the same for everyone. Not really because they might complain and get me into trouble with the bosses but because we all, to some extent, have a need to please and get a sense of satisfaction from the validation of someone else being happy with us.
The girl you are interested in is exactly the same. Act like the guy who is grateful for any attention she might send your way, be overly easily pleased and easy to please, and you’ll get the same amount of attention that you yourself
would give this same behaviour… none! Do you see my point? It’s not the girl. It’s human nature.
TIME TO PUT THE BOOT ON THE OTHER FOOT
So, instead of chasing, chasing, chasing, how about getting the hot girl in the bar to come towards you?
If you wonder if that’s even possible, then I have news for you: it is! And anything that you think to the contrary is just your own limiting belief. Even when you go fishing, it’s the fish that do the biting. You set the conditions, but the fish is the one who desires the bait. It’s the same with dating. It’s really hard to catch fish by chasing them with your hook, but it’s relatively easy when you drop the right bait under the nose of the right hungry fish. In fact, you might even say that the rest is inevitable. Contrast that with chasing the fish up and down the riverbank with your rod and line. It just doesn’t work. So why have you been doing that in your personal life? Time to stop and get serious and successful now.
You don’t chase a fish with a hook; first you get the fish’s interest… then you hook it.
SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS
Girls are far less into looks than we are (which for most of us is just as well). They are just not wired up that way. But they do know exactly what qualities they are looking for. While we are quite content to chase headlong after the
hot brunette or blonde, girls are wired up a little differently but they definitely know what qualities they want in us and what they don’t. In this respect at least men and women are exact opposites. We tend to think of women the way they think of their shoes. We don’t really care that much how uncomfortable they are so long as they look good and impress our friends. While they think of men the way we think of our shoes, they’re not too bothered how they look as long as they feel good. Suddenly it all makes sense. But even while she is much more into function over form she is still going to be trying to find what she is really looking for.
Let me illustrate my point with a little female psychology that we all know very well but have perhaps never applied in this way before. If you have ever gone shopping with a woman, you will know exactly what I mean.
You go out shopping with a girl for a pair of shoes. Let’s be even more specific and say it’s a pair of black high heels to wear with a specific dress. You go to the first shop. There are plenty of black shoes and she looks around but can’t quite find what she is looking for, and so the quest continues – indefinitely – until she eventually, and usually at the temporary expense of your sanity, finds what she is looking for. Sound very familiar?
But let’s pay particular attention to the language. It might seem innocuous, but language rarely is, and it almost always holds a valuable insight into what’s going on inside her head.
In order for something to be ‘not quite what she’s looking for’, she must clearly have an idea of what it is that she is looking for in the first place, right? But what has
happened is that she has made a mental picture of what she is ‘looking for’ and is now trying to match up the image on the outside (the shoe) to the image she has in her mind.
It’s exactly the same when the object of her desire is a new partner.
So it doesn’t matter how cool, how refined or how polished you are – if you are not what she is ‘looking for’, you have very little chance of her taking you home. Sure she might pick up something on impulse that sort of fits the bill for now, but she is still looking for the perfect match she knows is out there somewhere. It’s just a question of personal taste. Just as some people love olives or Marmite and others hate them with a passion, you can be the very best you and still not the one for her. Which is why it’s SO important to be the best ‘you’ right where you have the best chance of being just right for her.
While one woman might be looking for black heels, there is another woman out there who is looking for the perfect pair of brown shoes or flats or peep-toe or boots or wedges. OK, I’m running out of desirable shoe styles but then I’m a bloke and you get the idea. If you’re a brown shoe, there is absolutely no point hanging out where people are shopping for black shoes. But drop the right option in front of the right person, and you’ll be snapped up and on your way home with her before you know it. You just have to go where she is shopping and looking for you!
So when you see a happy couple, even if they are seemingly totally mismatched, the principle is sound. He has something that she wants and has been looking for, and so do you. I guarantee it!
BIGGING UP YOUR KEY SELLING POINTS
Right, we know what you have going for you, and now that you are starting to externalize it without sending out any confusing mixed messages, it’s time to think about where women who might like you hang out, so that they can see that the real you is exactly what they have been looking for.
Have a look back at your list of attributes and pick your top three key selling points. It’s time to become an
AA-A
student and display your
Authentic Attraction-Attributes
:
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Are you creative? Are you funny? Are you caring? Are you good to your friends? Are you a great dancer or even just an enthusiastic amateur? A brilliant photographer or writer? Good with your hands? Do you have excellent oral skills (don’t be rude now!)?
If you were selling ‘You’, what would you want to put in big bold letters on the box or make sure you get across in the TV commercial? You’ll likely have some of these answers from earlier anyway, but now it’s time to get it down to just a top three. When you have your lady-killer three, I want you to think about where girls who are into those things hang out.
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You have to stop thinking about the kind of girl you want to attract. That would be like chasing a salmon with a mackerel lure. Flip that on its head, and think of the values that you have, which will attract the girl. At first you might think that you are limiting yourself here, but in fact the opposite is true. You are refining your search, homing in on your niche and cranking your brand status in that environment all the way up.
Let’s say, for example, that you are a keen photographer. Lots of women are going to find that incredibly sexy and desirable. Of course, it is just one facet of you, but we have to start somewhere. But you have to get her interested before you can move forward. So, let’s say that she is attracted to you because you are externalizing a skill, attribute or ability that she really values. Remember that you will have chosen where to hang out specifically for that fit, so you know that there’s a very good chance it’s something she values. Then she will quickly see that you have lots of other interesting aspects, too. Finally, she’ll find that you are available and that you are properly the real deal. In fact you are EXACTLY what she’s ‘looking for’. Do you think she’s interested? Too right she is! You are a catch! And just the one she’s been looking for, and she’ll not be shy about letting you know.
I have a very good friend who, when we were growing up, had what you might describe as an ‘average’ hit rate with the ladies – most often Aly would be described as
‘cute’ but certainly not God’s gift to the female form. He’s a great guy and enjoyed some success but he’d definitely not pick up hunk of the year award. Until that is, the day that he made a decision. The decision was to pursue his passion and become a ski instructor, and with the ink still wet on his qualification he set off to Canada for his first ski season. That was four years ago but the tales of his pulling prowess in that red suit of power continue to this day. In fact it goes way beyond that, as hot women have even been known to fly halfway round the world just to be with him. And all because he was living his passion, externalizing his true self in a way that was very easy for others to ‘get’, and in return he has turned down more action than most guys could ever dream of.
Take Aly out of his natural environment, put him in a corporate suit instead of a ski suit, take him away from displaying his authentic self and guess what… he goes right back to being just a typical guy with a typical hit rate, just like the rest of us. But when he is ‘Ski-Season Al’, displaying his brand identity and living his brand values, he is an absolute legend. And that’s on and off the slopes. You see it is not the red instructor’s uniform that the ladies find hot, it’s his state of mind and congruency. They like what they see and they get what they like, and have even been prepared to share him in a hot-tub, but that’s another story.
KNOW YOUR OWN POND
OK, let’s get back to you. Do you think that if you have your brand values on display in an environment where they are
well valued, that they might resonate with more than one person? Of course they will! And do you think that a great variety of women can resonate with the same attributes? Of course! So again you have just created a great abundance of choices for yourself.
The corporate banker or lawyer might love your creative side just as much as the art teacher or the nurse who snaps away in her spare time. The ‘crazy’ creative might love your down-to-earth dependability just as much as the single mum or anyone else for that matter. I’m sure you get the idea. Just as you can be attracted to a great variety of people for various reasons, but value the same core attributes, the reverse is obviously also true – only with a much higher probability of success. You are fishing with the right bait in the right pond for a change, and just like with any branding, the more you have your brand values aligned with your customers’ needs and deliver to those values, you have a winning formula that will never ever leave you.
One of my former clients is very successful with women. Well, he’s good at attracting them, but not so good at maintaining meaningful relationships, but that’s another story entirely and more to do with the fact that his work takes him all over the world for long periods of time. He’s a venture capitalist, a city guy, Mr Corporate through and through, and do you know where he has most dating success? Not in the city wine bars and high-powered dining rooms. He has most success in the bars and cafés in the artistic part of town where the actresses and models (and this guy has had some seriously hot women) love his dependability and steady nature. He has a creative side,
so he fits in but, in short, he has something that is very attractive to those girls and they have something rather more obviously attractive to him. He is externalizing his qualities in a way that makes him super-desirable, and when the inside actually matches up to the outside they are sold.
If anything, his problems stemmed more from an abundance of choice and his habit of following his ‘small-head’ thoughts when his big head knew better. So much so that I dubbed it
SHiT
(
Small Head is Thinking
) I bet you’ve made a few SHiT choices in your time too?
Dating ability and confidence simply come from knowing who you are and putting it on display externally in an environment where it is desirable. Simple as that really… oh, and then being able to do something about it.
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Social conditioning dictates that you are unlikely ever to be asked out by a hot woman. That does not mean that she doesn’t want to talk to you. Quite the opposite: she does, she is aching for you to say ‘hi’, but if you don’t know that she’s certainly not going to tell you.
It’s all psychology, but I’ll bet if you really pay attention you can spot the ‘come on over’ and the ‘not on your life’ signals much more easily than you think.
But even if you have your best authentic bait on display and you’re in the right pond, you still have to know how to fish. Every guy following the first two principles here will get
a lucky bite from time to time. Just by going this far, you will have more opportunity than most guys ever do, but if you really want to meet Miss Right, and effectively double your chances in half the time, then you are going to have to learn how to fish, too.