More than Just Sex (29 page)
Don’t ever make any decisions when you are feeling bad. The more urgent a decision feels, the less I want you to make that choice – it can and should always wait until you are feeling better, and therefore thinking better.
Instead of trying to dig your way out through SHiT do something (anything) that will make you feel better. When you are feeling better, you must be having better-quality thoughts, and better-quality thoughts always lead to better-quality decisions. The more urgent and negative your thinking, the less time you should be spending on decisions. It’s as simple as that.
You are free. You are free to be you, you are free to make the choices you want to make and that are right for you and you are free to find the girl who is the right fit for the real you and will balance you in your triangle of life.
The idea is to keep the white circle (your beliefs and boundaries) always in the middle of your triangle and allow the black dot (you, your identity) always to return to the centre of the circle. Of course you will get pulled a little out of shape from time to time, everyone does, but the white circle represents the edge of your boundaries, that’s as far as you are able to go and still be ‘you’, go any further and you are misleading everyone involved but mainly you are misleading and hurting yourself most. If you find yourself getting pulled near the edge of your boundary, stop and reassess what story you must be telling yourself in order for that to happen, but if you ever find your circle (beliefs) getting pulled away one way or the other it’s time to practise your skills and reassess your beliefs and values and the stories you must be telling yourself in order to have got pulled out of shape.
You’ll remember from an earlier chapter that on either side of ‘beliefs and values’ are your ‘identity’ above and ‘skills and capabilities’ below. We know that whichever level we work at nudges the one above. Work on your skills and you nudge your beliefs and values, but work on your beliefs and values and you will nudge your very sense of identity in a relationship. That’s exactly what you have just done.
Headwork
Just sit and absorb that for a second…
How does it feel to know that there is a whole world full of available women, and that lots of them will be very
attracted to the authentic you? How does it feel to know that you have a strong sense of who you really are and can externalize it, so that you free yourself from the scarcity mentality? How does it feel to know that you have the skills to be able to give yourself the best possible chance? How does it feel to be so secure and so free?
I am
___________________
In a relationship I am
___________________
The thing I will be most proud of about me in my next relationship is
___________________
The thing I will never lose in my next relationship is
___________________
I believe I am
___________________
I believe relationships should be
___________________
I am true to
___________________
I believe I can
___________________
I believe I will
___________________
My best skill is
___________________
The skill I will practise until I perfect is
___________________
I am capable of
___________________
In my next relationship I will be
___________________
But I will never again
___________________
My dream girl will be
___________________
and
___________________
and
___________________
My dream girl will do
___________________
and
___________________
and
___________________
My dream girl will have
___________________
and
___________________
and
___________________
Quite different to where you started out from, I’ll bet! It’s different now because you are living from your true identity and your true values. But now you are free from the fear of them not being what you ‘should’ want or be able to get. You have an abundance of choice, and the rest is up to you.
But this is YOUR list, so keep it to yourself. Do not share it with anyone until you meet the girl who ticks the right boxes. If you ever wondered what astonishment and absolute delight looks like, it looks like the girl’s face when (once you are a couple) you tell her she’s your dream girl. She’ll laugh, and you’ll say, ‘I’ll prove it!’ Then you can produce your list. The sex that night will be the best of your life, I guarantee it!
Getting into the right relationship in the first place is a lot easier than fixing one that on a good day is heaven, on a bad day is hell, and the rest of the time is spent wondering what’s coming next.
All relationships take work and all have lifetimes. With some it’s longer than the lives of the people involved, and with some it’s for the briefest of brilliant lessons, but all have something to teach. Harmony comes when you being you and her being her effortlessly make both of you happy. The rest takes work, but even a Ferrari needs steering, doesn’t it, and you don’t just want to be a passenger, do you? You now have your advanced licence. How far you take it and how much fun you have on the journey is up to you.
Remember… when you find her, show her your wish list and then enjoy.
Here’s to your happiness.
Yours aye!
Ali
P.S. Remember, for more advice, tips and help to be the authentic you, get out of your own way and get together with the girl of your dreams, go to
www.morethanjustsex.com
I’d like to take this opportunity say a big and heartfelt ‘thank you’ to everyone who has made this project possible. I know it’s a cliché but there really are too many to name individually, but if you are wondering if I mean you… I do!
But to everyone at my wonderful publisher Hay House –thank you for your patience, love, support and continued belief in me while I took some much-needed time out… I hope it’s been worth the wait.
And to everyone who was the inspiration for this book – the innocent (who can’t be named for that very reason) and of course the ‘guilty’ (for the very same) – you have shaped and influenced me and this book more than you know, and now the world dating and relating guys too… We all thank you.
To the long suffering Tom, so much more than a business manger… thanks mate!
And lastly, to all the amazing women who shared their ‘sisterly secrets’ on the promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone… Oops! But I’m sure I can make it up to you somehow!
Ali Campbell
is one of the world’s leading life coaches. He has built an enviable reputation as a highly motivational coach, therapist, presenter and bestselling author. As a trusted advisor to celebrities, business leaders, rock stars, sporting champions and even royalty, Ali is dubbed ‘Mr Fix It’, and is widely featured in the media – on television, radio and in print.
Change and great results can be much easier to achieve than you think, and past history is the worst possible guide to your future performance. Just because you have not enjoyed the kind of dating success you’d like before now, and just because you are not yet with the girl of your dreams, means nothing. You only need two things to virtually guarantee as much meaningful female attention as you can handle: 1. A willingness to try doing things a little bit differently, and 2. The guidance, and psychologically proven secrets in the book you are holding in your hands right now.
Ali’s no nonsense, irreverent style gets to the point quickly and will have you laughing your way to insights and dating success faster than you ever thought possible.
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