More than Just Sex (23 page)

When you are ‘happy in yourself AND…’ then the rest is just steering your course with a girl you have chosen to be with and who has chosen to be with you. What could be easier than that?

Well, I’m sure experience has taught you by now that it’s not easy. The problem with relationships is that they are made up of so many moving parts, but there are a few cardinal rules that you would do well to note.

THE FIRST DATE

The first date might be the most important of all the getting-to-know-you interactions, but it really is only the start. It cannot make a great relationship, but it can certainly break one. Even if she could be a great match for you, get it wrong at the start and you may never get the chance to find out. That said, it is not all about you proving your worth to her. A relationship between two people has to have balance
and mutual connection for it to be in anyway ‘meaningful’. The first date is a fact-finding mission. You think that there might be something more, so now it’s time to find out. You also know beyond any doubt that you have something that she likes or she wouldn’t be there… simple!

And while I’m sure you want your dating and relationship success to come as easily as possible, games and manipulation are not the answer to finding that meaningful relationship. They might work for a bedtime bear on a Friday night, but what about for the rest of your life? Relax! The first date is your time to make sure that she’s right for you and here’s a few hints to make sure that you get the chance to find out. So, let’s make this easy…

Stop worrying about when to call her

Call her or text her when you want to. Don’t be a pest, but there are no ‘rules’ here, despite what you might have read elsewhere. Women are very savvy to the three-day ‘rule’ and the delayed-text ‘rule’, and even the late-night-text ‘rule’. All that those show her is that you have read some of the rulebooks. She probably has, too, and is all over it, but not you.

Some of the techniques work for sure: those are the ones that have been derived or reverse-engineered from what happens naturally when two people connect, and there is a chemistry, just like with the techniques you learned earlier. Others are simply contrived and false, and if a woman is dating, then she’s probably seen them a hundred times already. By playing the game you devalue
yourself and make her think you are just another player, just like the last half a dozen guys she has blown out but definitely not off.

Be congruent

Having secured the first date, many men (especially those who have been playing a ‘game’) drop their guard and revert back to their ‘real’ less-than-impressive selves. This is great news for you if you have been externalizing the ‘authentic you’ all along. Can you imagine how refreshing it is for a woman to actually go on a date with the guy she thinks she is going on a date with? When you turn up and you are exactly what she was expecting – if not
better
– then you have just taken a huge step towards being able to have a lot of control over what happens next.

You are real, and just by being real and authentic she will instinctively know that she can trust you. She will let her self-preservation guard down a bit (but not completely), and be much more likely to give you a chance to see a bit of the ‘real’ her.

Set yourself up for success…

OK, obviously on a first date you are both trying to make the best possible impression but this is often when you trying too hard to be ‘impressive’ and her trying too hard to be ‘hot/cool’ can get in the way of two people finding out who each other is and if they could be something more than friends. So here are my three top tips for setting the scene to find out more.

HERE’S TO A GREAT FIRST DATE…

1: Choose the location carefully

It must be somewhere that you are BOTH comfortable in and if it could also provide some scope for easy interesting conversation then that would be great too, so use your imagination a little and then go have fun.

2: Set a false time constraint

If your first date can feature a false time constraint then so much the better. I know you are keen but trust me on this one. While you might be all for ‘dinner’ and then ‘drinks’ and then ‘coffee’, we all know what that really means!

As an aside, why is it that ‘would you like to come in for a cup of tea’ means just that, but ‘coffee’ means sex? One to ponder I think…

Anyway, I am not a fan of ‘dinner’ for first dates for exactly that reason. There is often way too much pressure especially on your date, who may spend rather a lot of the evening thinking about what happens at the end of the night. How does she get out of it? Does she really want to ‘put out’ with you? If she is interested but doesn’t want to sleep with you, how does she extract herself without giving you the wrong impression? It’s all too much pressure, and definitely too many decisions for someone you have only just met.

How about doing this instead, it’s way more powerful. You arrange to meet – ‘lunch’ is great for this or dinner if you like – but no matter where or when, you set the expectation that you need to leave by a certain time or even just that you are up early in the morning so can’t be
too late. In doing so you totally disarm the situation and make sure that ‘that decision’ is not the one dominating her thoughts all night.

You have also sent her a very clear signal that you want to know ‘her’ and you are interested in more than just ‘coffee’ at the end of the night. You have invested the time to know her… and trust me that is so powerful. In the absence of pressure your date will flow so much more naturally and easily. AND, you still have the option to change your plans. If the date is going great you can push your self-imposed curfew back a bit or even cancel your fictitious early start entirely but by then you will have had the opportunity to really get to know each other properly. She will even feel special if you are cancelling your plans for the next day to stay out later with her.

3: Get beyond the veneer

Pick something that has happened to you in the last week or so and ask her opinion about it. Now, you have to choose carefully here. Go back to your list of attributes that you
really need
her to have, in order for there to be any chance of a connection, and choose a relevant topic.

For example if you ‘need’ her to be caring then choose something which will either show she does or show she doesn’t – or at least not about that anyway. If you
need
her to have a strong personality then choose a topic that she can voice a strong opinion about or if you
need
her to be witty and funny give her some material and scope to work with by telling her something funny that happened to you and see what she does with it.

I know on the face of it this might sound quite contrived but trust me, if you want to have a ‘meaningful’ relationship then starting with a conversation that ‘means’ something to you is certainly not a bad idea.

KNOW SHE’S CHECKING YOU OUT

On the first date, you can be absolutely certain that she is running her own checklist of:

FIRST –
Am I right for him?

SECOND –
Is he right for me?
(Where her trust is will depend on which of these questions comes first.)

THEN –
Should I take it further?
What does he think of me?
Can I control him?

How you measure up against these questions will determine much of what happens next but the sequence will very likely be in this order. When you think about it, it kind of makes sense.

In her mind, you have to pass each question in turn to get to the next one. So, if you have set it up correctly and you are the real deal, then you will pass easily and she will be the one judging herself against you.

Am I right for him?

She will be checking in with herself to see if she matches up to what she thinks are your standards. This is exactly the
way we want it, and where the ‘attraction’ comes into play. You are very much in the driving seat if this is the case. But you must be real or you’ll be the one doing all the chasing again and we know what happens then. She will give away lots of clues if she is seeking validation for herself. She is likely to ask questions about what kind of women you usually date. She might ask if you have a ‘type’. She will probably ask some sort of ‘status’ questions, to get a sense of where you fit in the social pecking order. Be careful here, though. Lots of guys see this as an opportunity to show off.

If you like her and you want her to feel secure, pace to where you think she is in the order of things, and then lead just a little bit further if you can. You may well be best friends with A-list celebrities or have a killer story about the time when you did X, Y or Z, but now is not the time to trot them out to try to impress.

Now that you know she’s checking you out and how, when you notice her testing you to see how she measures up, find ways to show her that she measures up just fine and is actually slightly better than you could have hoped. But whatever you do, don’t put her on a pedestal and start telling her she is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen and that you are so lucky to even have a date with her. Not only are you giving away all your power, but she doesn’t want to hear it. If you do flatter her don’t expect more than an ‘Ah, that’s sweet!’ delivered dripping with insincerity. She wants a
man
, and you need to ‘man up’ and take just the right amount of control, especially during the first date.

Then she is testing your integrity.

Is he right for me?

Here all the questions in her mind are reversed, and she is wondering how you would get on with her friends. She’s looking for confidence (in your own skin) and a good fit. Authentic confidence is very different from showing off.

Show-off = Turn-off for most women.

Sure, it might impress the other guys in the bar, but you’re not trying to connect with them. What the woman opposite you wants is someone she can have a relationship with, someone she can be partners with, someone with whom she can make her dreams come true. She is not looking for a bigheaded show-off.

‘Consideration is high on my list of boyfriend ‘asks’. I love the smaller things; big gestures are lovely but there is nothing better than being thought of and considered, as it suggests that my interests and my general happiness are of importance to my partner. Big gestures can actually be counter-productive in impressing a woman like myself, as it can seem a bit desperate – I don’t want a man who tries too hard to impress me! It should seem natural and organic!’

Jessica Huie, award-winning entrepreneur

Can she imagine you hanging out with her in her favourite places? Would she feel proud to introduce you to her nearest and dearest and look forward to spending time
with you? Pass these tests, and read on to discover the next question in her mind.

Should I take it further?

Now the question ‘should I take it further?’ becomes ‘HOW should I take it further?’

Of course she might get physical with you even if she thinks you’re full of shit, but that’s just animal attraction or her need to validate herself. It is definitely not the basis for anything meaningful or long lasting. So, while it’s good to have some entertaining stories and come across as your fun, witty, charming, successful self, you also have to be yourself – the authentic you – or you will fall into the incongruity trap without even noticing.

Stumble on the first two questions and if you are very lucky you might still be in with a chance, but her mind will definitely be made up by the answer to the next.

What does he think of me?

If she gets the impression that you are primarily interested in a bedtime bear for the night, then the very likely answer is ‘not much’. If she gets a sense that you are the real deal – that you are honest, externalizing the real you, funny, respectful and have something that she might want – then she will almost certainly give you the benefit of the doubt with at least a second date.

As a rule of thumb, if she’s not sure, she will likely give you another chance, but if it’s a ‘no’ it’s a ‘no’. Then it’s time to move on. There’s just one more question on her mind.

Can I control him?

An odd question, you might think, but it’ll definitely be on her mind. The answer? Well, that is up to you… Ultimately you can’t control the outcome of any of these ‘tests’ or whatever might come next, but focus on what you can control and you’ll have a much better chance of getting what you want.

RECAP!

Remember, she’ll be testing you, and you’ll need to satisfy her in order to progress beyond the first date.