More than Just Sex (26 page)

When you talk about feelings, you’re not just going through the motions, you’re going through the emotions. Make sure she knows how happy you are to be there with her. A simple appreciation of her is more memorable than waxing poetic about her curves.

DON’T JUST SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT – ACTUALLY MEAN IT

Evolutionary psychologists have shown that women are programmed to be sceptical of what you say. It’s their way of protecting themselves from manipulative men who don’t want to commit to relationships. So you need to avoid exaggerating. The more a compliment is tailored to your specific woman, the more intimate and effective it is at making her feel good. Use sensory and personal words, like, ‘Your breasts are so soft.’ Much better than ‘I love breasts’, just as ‘I love the way you smell’, is so much better than ‘I love smelly women’ – OK, I’m joking – ‘I love the way women smell’. The more detailed your praise, the more personal it is to her. It will show her that you derive pleasure from her, and yes, from her body, but not just from any naked body.

BONUS TIP!

If she has to ask how she looks, it’s too late! Compliments completely lose credibility when they’re paid in response to a statement of her insecurity. It doesn’t matter how much you believe she looks drop-dead gorgeous, if she has to ask, she won’t believe your answer. It’s as simple as that. If it’s positive and you think it, say it.

PAY ATTENTION

Note changes to her appearance: new haircut, new manicure (that’s fingernails to you and I). Her efforts are only partly for her, but they are also a very common mate-retention tactic. So, if she’s been going to the gym, admire her flat belly or tight butt – she really will love you for noticing.

The belly, though, is by far the touchiest subject for most women. If there’s any sign of the dreaded ‘chub’, ignore it completely, do not pass go, do not collect £200, and please, please, please do not under any circumstances say that you love her ‘love handles’. But, if it’s flat… lay your head against it and tell her it’s your favourite part. She won’t think you’re just trying to get into her pants, but you likely will anyway. If she’s been going to the gym, then, ‘Wow, those core workouts have really paid off!’ will go down a storm, too.

IF IT’S WORTH SAYING ONCE, IT’S WORTH REPEATING

Repetition, repetition, repetition… Studies have shown that women are much more aware than men of compliments, both given and received. Women often see compliments as a way to grow closer to their partners, and if they give they definitely expect to receive. Guys tend to see compliments as a tool to get them something that they want, even if that is with the very best of intentions. When you are paying a compliment, it is a fantastic idea to find two or three different ways to say the same thing over the course of an evening.

But don’t just repeat yourself and sound like a stuck parrot. When you notice something that you want to compliment sincerely, find at least two ways of doing so and drop them into conversation whenever appropriate. Or, for even greater effect, drop them in out of the blue. If you can appear to just blurt it out, so much the better. The more you can make it look like you mean it but didn’t plan it, the better – then keep on giving, whether she’s fully clothed, stark naked or anywhere in-between. You can never tell a woman too many times that she’s beautiful, so long as you actually mean it.

BRING ANOTHER MAN TO BED – NO, NOT LITERALLY!

Here’s a cute trick. But one that has the potential to backfire – especially if she secretly likes the other guy
in question – but relaying some other guy’s observation about her can be an incredibly powerful way to make her feel good about herself and you. Then if you are clever you can be quick and use some of your new skills to map those positive feelings across to yourself.

It’s unfair, but compliments from others are often more believable than compliments from you. After all, they don’t appear as if they have an agenda. She expects you to be complimentary, but the third party has no vested interest, and that’s what gives it real credibility. Tell her she’s beautiful, and then say, ‘Hey, listen to this’, and follow up with a kind word from someone else. Don’t say, ‘Hey, my mate thinks you’re hot’ and cause her to feel like an object or a prize being discussed in the locker room. Instead, mention a friend who noticed her poise or pretty smile or sense of style.

Still need a few more?

IT’S ALL OR NOTHING

I am a great believer in being fully present wherever you are and whatever you are doing. This is especially true when you are in a relationship.

Energy flows where attention goes, and if you are in a relationship you should be in the relationship. You should definitely not be in another relationship at the same time, but you should also not be at work, lost in dreamland or stuck in the past. Wherever you actually are, be there. If you are physically present, be emotionally and mentally
present, too. If you can’t be there in mind, don’t go there in body, don’t even bother turning up.

If you want to play with this a bit more then try this simple exercise.

Homework

Pick someone who’s not going to think you are completely rude and walk out on you, so probably a family member is best. It’s generally harder for them to leave. Then pick a subject that the other person is very comfortable talking about and get them going and really in flow. Use plenty of eye contact and nod encouragingly, letting them know that you are completely engaged and fully ‘present’ with them. Do that for a minute or so. Don’t say anything in return, but let them know that you are really paying attention to them.

Then, without saying anything or giving any warning, I want you to completely remove your attention. Look away, check the time on your watch or phone, yawn, fidget with something or look like you are reading a poster on the wall behind them. Basically, do anything except engage with the conversation. Again, do not say anything – it’s not about the words.

What you will notice is that the less present you are, the less able the person will be to speak. By being disengaged, you will actually be removing their ability to communicate with you. Every time you turn up in person but not in mind you are doing exactly the same to your partner. YOU are removing their ability to be their best. If you are present, then be fully present. You can only be in one place at a time, so make sure it’s in both body and mind.

BONUS TIP!

Most people live in one of two places: they either live in the past, thinking about what they could and should have done, and how good or bad it was in the old days; or they are living in a dreamland of the future, fantasizing about how good it ‘could’ and should be… one day.

But what about right now, right here where you are in the life that you have with the person that you are with right now? Where are you then? If you are physically ‘in’ but mentally somewhere else, then you are not really there, are you? If you are ‘in’ at all, be ‘in’ completely… at least for now. You can always change your mind tomorrow, but you will never know where you are and what you have got if you are constantly halfway to somewhere else.

If you are in you’re in… at least for now.

BEWARE THE INEVITABLE WOBBLE

But even if you have done everything right, in fact especially if you have, you really need to be aware of another phenomenon that is almost certain to happen.

One of the biggest unwritten – and definitely unspoken – parts of any relationship cycle is the ‘wobble’. So at the risk of incurring the wrath of the girl who spilled the beans on this sisterly secret, I am going to share it with you. It happens, and it happens often, and how you handle it will be the make-or-break of your relationship.

Most relationships in the early stages go something like this. You approach her, you hopefully use some of
the techniques we’ve discussed earlier and you basically chase her, and are chased, until you date. Both parties are keen to impress, perhaps also keeping their options open and casually dating others, but at some point you decide that you should be ‘exclusive’ and a ‘couple’.

Then, a little time down the track, without warning and certainly without explanation, comes the ‘wobble’. You have done nothing wrong. In fact, you might even have done lots of things right, but she is now having doubts, and wants to slow down a bit. Either that or she starts to ‘rebel’ in ways you’ve never seen before and didn’t expect. She might even be saying things like she’s not good enough for you or not attractive enough. In fact, there are many ways that her inner demons, insecurities and issues might make their way out into the world and straight into your relationship.

In fact, the wobble is more likely if you have been doing great, because, despite all external signs and words to the contrary, the wobble is caused by her subconscious beginning to think ‘Could this be it? Could he be the one? Is this my mate? Am I doing the right thing? I’m not sure… argh!’

And we’re right back to the initial checklist…

Am I right for him?

Is he right for me?
(Where her trust level based on her experience with you will depend on which of these questions comes first.)

Should I go further?

What does he REALLY think of me?

Can I control him?

Only this time around it has extra significance. This is the phase when the tone is set for the next step, if there is to be one.

Wobble but don’t fall down

So, now you know that a wobble is going to come… and trust me, it is. But like so many things, if you know the ‘wobble’ is there, even though you might not be able to avoid it, you will definitely be able to handle it better and can immunize yourself, while avoiding some of the usual pitfalls.

Don’t reflect her wobble

The most obvious pitfall is that you get out of synch with each other. This is when she begins to ‘wobble’ and pulls away a little, and you mirror her behaviour to protect yourself and pull away a little, too. This is only natural of course but, in doing so, you are completely validating her wobble.

At this point, you either split up OR one of you makes a big effort to get things back on a positive footing. She may not be quite sure, but is prepared to ‘work at it’. You battle away trying to reassure, nurture and persuade. Then, just when you are giving up hope and effort and beginning to pull away yourself, she decides that she is ‘in’ after all. But now you have been through so much that
you’re
not sure, and the whole balance shifts right across the other way.

Now she’s in and you’re not sure, and so it goes on and on. It can continue like this for months or even years, with one in and the other one halfway out.

Put your ego to one side

The wobble has nothing to do with you. As I said earlier, you could be the most amazing guy who has ever walked the earth and the wobble will still happen. That phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ has never been more true than it is in this inevitable phase of a relationship.

Basically, she is making the transition (often at a subconscious level) from ‘single’ to ‘couple’, and even if you have been ‘acting’ as a couple for a while, until you have gone through the wobble you are just going through the motions. Put your ego to one side, at least for a while. If she pulls away, it is not a reflection on you or your masculinity or anything else you have control over. Do not feel threatened, and don’t seek external validation elsewhere – definitely one of the stupid things men do to fuck up their lives. You are still you and just as much of a catch as you’ve ever been. She is just going through the ‘wobble’ phase.

Never make it tit for tat

The vast majority of the time, her wobble is totally subconscious. That means the logical part of her – the part you can talk to – is not the part that can explain it. I am not saying you shouldn’t try to speak to her about what’s going on, but you are highly unlikely to get any sensible answers, and that has nothing to do with her
desire to give them to you. Just as you might feel a little unsettled and lost by what’s going on, so does she, and she may not even know why.

It’s not so much
if
you get through it that matters; it’s
how
you get through it.

If you don’t make it, hey, you didn’t make it, and it’s back to the drawing board in the hunt for Miss Right, but now you’re fully tooled up if that is where you find yourself.

It is actually much more dangerous to make it through the wobble damaged. The scars inflicted on each other at this stage can define and ultimately kill your relationship in the future.

Think about it: emotions and sensitivities are running high. She is looking for any reason to accept or reject you. More than at any other stage, her subconscious has put you both on trial. Much more than when you first met and she gave you a good old subconscious screening before handing over her number. That was a risk factor of 1 compared to the 8.5 she now faces on the relationship Richter scale.