Incredible Sex (52 Brilliant Little Ideas) (6 page)

18.
   
Water fun (for her mainly)

If you’re wise, the bathroom is the place to go to get dirty.

Your bathroom should be where the seduction process begins. It’s the place to clean up so that you can get down – essential if you don’t want to be worrying about little things like being physically repulsive to your mate. Here’s how to really make the most of your bathroom.

Here’s an idea for you…

A good bathroom pastime for women is to position your clitoris under the tap with your legs up the wall. This can result in a powerful orgasm, but it only works if you have a mixer tap and a steady stream of hot water of course.

Step 1: cut loose
If you find it hard to switch off and are one of those people who always has something else to do, step away from that TV as your evening destressor and instead design your own ‘transition ritual’ where you put aside the stresses of the day and start revving up for a night of passion. It’s a lot more likely to get you in the mood for sex than two hours of repeats.

Make twenty minutes in the bathroom each night to send a message to your body that the working day is over and it’s time to relax, wind down and play. Your bathroom should be as aesthetically pleasing as possible. Banish plastic toys, keep the lighting soft and wire the bathroom up for sound. Indulge in oils and lotions that make you feel good and let the cares of the day slip away as you bathe. The earlier in the evening you do this, the better. Have ‘transitional clothing’ too: comfy, light and sensual clothes that you feel comfortable lounging about in. Make this time for yourself – it’s a lot more use than a quick shower last thing at night or first thing in the morning.

Step 2: have sex
If you’re always too tired for sex, don’t wait until it’s time to sleep. You know it makes sense. Spending a little time feeling sensual by yourself when you can still keep your eyes open is going to juice you up and leave you feeling frisky. Get your partner to switch off the TV and do something equally life affirming and you’ll both be in the mood. Still not convinced? OK, time for…

Step 3: make love to your shower
For women, especially those who have trouble orgasming, directing the flow of water from the showerhead, around and on their clitoris while they’re sitting on the side of the bath or lying down results in an easy orgasm. Perhaps because performance pressure is non-existent – you don’t have to worry about hurting the showerhead’s feelings or taking too long – it works like a charm. NB Women should only point the showerhead downwards. Water forced up into the vagina carries a very, very small risk of forcing an air bubble where you really don’t want one. Not good.

19.
   
Beyond the beyond

Tips for the sexually adventurous (not for the faint-hearted).

You might be surprised to know that what you do in the bedroom is influenced by what professional performers get up to in porn. Sex has fashions, and porn leads the way on what we think is hot, sexy and funky. In the 70s and 80s porn made oral sex mainstream. In the 90s anal sex became a must-do, and now female performers are going one further and doing stuff like double anal penetration. At the same time porn has become more visible so if you want to have wild sex like Jenna Jameson, here are some tips to help you along.

Here’s an idea for you…

If fisting is not for you, make up your own ‘slave’ contract and both sign it. You can find a sample one on
www.houseofdesade.org
, and use this as the basis to create your own. You don’t have to do S and M, you can use it to stipulate sexual rights and housework negotiation. Try it for a limited period and see if it increases your fun quota.

For advanced play you need new techniques. For example, instead of just penetration, you might want to experiment with fisting which is popular in the lesbian community. If you’re new to it, get your partner to do it for you. He must be patient (fisting can take up to an hour) and slow, and learn to work with how much your vagina muscles can take. Beforehand he should wash his hands (his nails must be trimmed) and remove his watch. Wearing a latex glove is optional.

Start by lubricating with a water-based lube and playing around with one finger, adding others one at a time. You have to be incredibly horny to be able to enjoy this. Using lots of stimulation and lube, get him to play with you and slowly add more fingers. See how far you can go. If he can insert four fingers, you’re nearly there and it’s just a question of him squashing his fingers together and twisting his hand to go further in. If it becomes uncomfortable, take some of the fingers out or stop altogether. A diagonal route is the best way to get the whole hand in.

Some women describe being fisted as the ultimate orgasm and when this happens, your muscles might clench so much they push his hand out. He has to go with the flow, but must never take his hand out quickly – it can take as long to get out as it took to get in, so this is not an activity to do in the five minutes before bedtime. If the vaginal opening forms a ‘vacuum seal’ around his wrist, get him to insert a finger to break ‘the seal’.

20.
   
See things differently

Explore voyeurism and exhibitionism and bring a completely new verboten edge to your love life
.

The following fantasy role-plays depend on our love of looking and our love of being watched. Use these as a starting point to begin exploring your own voyeuristic or exhibitionistic fantasies – nearly all of us are turned on by one, and usually both. If you’d like to strip, but are too shy, then the second ‘Peeping Tom’ fantasy is a good place to start. You can start dropping clothes without feeling self-conscious, as you’re not doing it (ostensibly) for an audience.

Imagine…
Your partner comes home to find the house lit by candles. You lead them to the bathroom where there is a scented bath waiting. You undress, blindfold and wash them. You don’t let them do anything for themselves. Then you lead them to the bedroom, also lit only by candles, where there’s a huge mirror propped to give a great reflection of the bed or, if that’s not possible, the floor covered in cushions and quilts. Remove the blindfold and then make love, staring at yourself in the mirror, holding your lover’s gaze. Try half closing your eyes so that you can fantasise that it isn’t you, but another couple writhing inches you can fantasise that it isn’t you, but another couple writhing inches away from you – accomplices at an orgy. Go one step further and imagine that the couple in the mirror is another couple that you’re observing – to help the illusion, wear corsets, wigs, a new pair of heels, etc.

Here’s an idea for you…

It can be very erotic to take turns ordering each other to perform. Some people love being ordered to strip or perform from the outset. Others hate it and bristle when their partner tells them what to do, even if it’s done in an encouraging way. So be sensitive, as for one or both of you it may have to be a natural development.

Imagine…
In the morning, you give your partner explicit written instructions of what you want them to do and at what hour you want them to start. At ten minutes before the appointed hour, you go to your bedroom, move clothes out of your wardrobe into the spare room, place a chair in the wardrobe and sit inside it with the door open a crack so you can see the bed. Your partner arrives in the bedroom. He or she follows the instructions you gave them earlier. They slowly begin to get ready for bed. If they get into it, this can be a long tease. They pass in and out of your field of vision, shedding clothes, trying on different clothes, lingerie or nightwear, examining their reflection, massaging in oils and creams before bed, phoning a friend and idly touching themselves as they talk, wandering out of the room to get themselves a drink. They are seemingly oblivious to your presence. Eventually they take up the position that you’ve stipulated and still ‘unaware’ that you’re there, they give serious attention to bringing themselves off in front of your eager gaze.

21.
   
Sex in water

There’s nothing quite like a bit of splashing and thrashing around in water, especially if it’s combined with a bit of aqua erotica!

Actually, it’s not so easy to literally have sex in water. If you’re lucky enough to have your own whirlpool or private swimming pool, this makes life easier, although keep a tube of silicone lube nearby as water tends to wash away your natural moisture. Some people say that after having sex in a swimming pool the chlorine makes them sore but using the lube should help, and, anyway, water is the perfect medium for productive play and massage. You can always finish up on dry land somewhere to take things further.

Pool accessories like floats, inflatable chairs and toys are all great for horsing around with. Use the opportunity to throw yourself at each other and play games on inflatable shapes. If you’re in a romantic mood, use floats to support your partner’s head and/or lower torso. Get your partner to close his eyes and gently wade through the water until his body is completely relaxed. If you have privacy, you can move up to genital foreplay, or use an underwater clit massager like the Waterdancer toy. If you don’t have these options, use the water to de-stress and warm toy. If you don’t have these options, use the water to de-stress and warm each other up before you move on to dry land, and to the real thing. If you’re on a secluded lake, there’s also fun stuff like an inflatable trampoline that’s great for bouncy, gyrating sex. It’s best to wear a life jacket just in case, and you could even go for it whilst floating in life jackets. Water sports like snorkelling are great in themselves, so it’s an extra bonus if your partner massages you erotically as you’re swimming along. Again, take care of safety and incorporate floats if you’re in deeper water. And remember that in most places genital fondling and sex in public places is illegal!

Here’s an idea for you…

Play around with a sexy inflatable like the E-Z Rider Rocker and Dong available from
Xandria.com
. It’s a bit like the hopper balls you played with as a kid, except this has a dildo that you can insert and ride on. It makes a great bath time accessory (use gently in a regular tub) and comes into its own for secluded swimming spots. When you’ve finished, simply deflate.

These days, there are loads of waterproof sex toys that help you to get off discreetly. For instance, you could insert Fun Factory pleasure balls and then go for a swim in your local pool or sit in a spa. There’s also the Wireless Waterproof Vibrating Panty with a wireless waterproof micro-orb that fits into the pants. Wear a swimsuit over it and nobody will notice.

22.
   
Think kink

Remember: we don’t always get what we want. But we can ask.

If you want to try something out of the norm, then you’ll have to communicate it to your lover either verbally or physically.

1.  Butter them up first by faking a midlife crisis. Tell them you’re worried that they’ll leave you – couples are splitting up everywhere (give examples). Do this in a light-hearted way over a bottle of wine or in a worried way after faking moodiness that has them wondering what’s wrong. Tell them that although your love life is fine, you feel you’ve been complacent and you don’t want them to get bored. Modify this basic script depending on your lover’s gullibility levels but you get the basic idea – you make it your problem, not theirs. And then you make some changes to your love life.

2.  Once you’ve mixed it up a little and you’re regularly trying new things, suggest a modest first step on the way to what you want. If you want them to whip you with a cat of nine tails, then suggesting you experiment with a little mild pain via dripping candle wax is a good start.

3.  Work up to the real deal. Be patient. Six months’ patient if necessary.

Here’s an idea for you…

If you’re still shy of asking for what you really want, remember that the taboo of today is the norm of tomorrow. Rejoice in the thought of being a sexual pioneer, and pity all those blokes who went through the fifties longing for a blowjob but who were too afraid to ask in case they were thought to be perverts.

Never forget that the secret in persuading your lover to do something kinky that you want and they aren’t particularly interested in is to make it clear that it’s them doing the kinky thing that you’re interested in, not the kinky thing itself. Use imagination, tact and flattery to find a way to make this obvious.

Right:
‘Your bum looks amazing in rubber.’

Wrong:
‘All I can think of is Michelle Pfeiffer in that Cat Woman outfit.’

Remember that the secret is always to make your lover feel special and to convince them how special they are to you. You’d be quite amazed at the things that some people can persuade others to do with this terribly simple strategy.

Most sex lives benefit from including a few of the minor elements from some of the major fetishes. So, give it a go and if it’s not you, don’t try it again.