Inbox Full of Crazy (7 page)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I
humbly present the following first contact emails as evidence that there are
great people online. I mean it.
Over the years, plenty of men and women have
dissected my assorted dating ads only to come to the conclusion my geekiness
brings out the batshittery in men. How else could I get so many good Christian
men wanting to do such graphically unbiblical things to me?
Dating ads are easy to change, so in response to the
critiques, I toned it down. Out with the references to killing Sarah Connor and
in with references to cooking spicy food. Out with my fondness for all things
Joss Whedon and in with my love of kayaking. Out with any photos of me in
costume or showing too much cleavage and in with photos of me standing in front
of tourist spots.
I was rewarded with a massive spike in dick pics
accompanied by such tantalizing messages as, “ride it t-nite!!!!” They weren’t
even sexy penises. I mean seriously, guys, if you need one hand to fold the fat
hanging from your belly out of the way in order to snap a cellphone shot of
something that barely protrudes past your pubes, I guarantee there are no horny
chicks dying to ride that tonight. Give up on dick picks and go develop a
personality instead. Thank me when someday, a woman you charmed tells you she’s
always preferred them that size because they’re easier to blow.
Since my idea of fun doesn’t include acquiring herpes
from something the size of a broken crayon, I decided to go back to the nerdy
ads. The results were startling. Sure, there were a few well intentioned guys with
a random grasp of punctuation, but they generally got points for trying. Better
yet, there were some great responses from guys who took it seriously when I
told them grammar was sexy.
In case you're wondering why I'm still single, sadly
a lot of these guys were 20+ years my senior. A lot more were married. But a
few turned into great first dates, a couple resulted in short relationships,
and a rare handful are still friends today. Sorry, people who say I should hide
my geekiness. You're wrong.
A few of you might raise an eyebrow when I say some
are still friends. Here's a big secret about dating sites. Sometimes you meet
someone who would make a great friend if the pair of you met at a party, but
you can tell early on there's absolutely no attraction. Most people shrug,
consider the evening a failure, and go home to mope about the fact that there
aren't any good ones left. Smart people take a deep breath, summon all their
courage, and find a gentle way to say "Hey, you're really awesome. I wish
we met at a party, because you're someone I'd really enjoy hanging out with. It
sucks that we met on what's supposed to be a date." If you're lucky,
they'll be totally relieved (c'mon, admit it. You can tell when someone else
isn't attracted to you.) Suddenly, you're on the same side. Dating sucks,
you're both single, and you have a new buddy who can sympathize with what
you're going through without any pressure to hook up. I've had plenty of guys
let me know I'm nice and all, but way too loud and bold for them to manage
anything more than a half mast chub. Thanks for taking the pressure off.
Those conversations are awesome. If you've never had
one, you're missing out on the best part of online dating. Okay, the second
best. It's still pretty darn nifty, though.  
Once I re-geeked my profile, here’s what men had to
say to an alleged criminal mastermind seeking a partner in crime.

~*~

My bonnie will have enough balls to buttstroke an unsuspecting security guard
in the forehead without hesitation. She will command all hostages to toss their
phones into the bright red L.L. Bean backpack and carry an army dufflebag full
of loot in our getaway. and most certainly will not snitch on her clyde.

~*~

A nice motorcycle ride, and then dinner and a nice bottle
of wine, and maybe 9-1-half hours later could turn
into
9-1-half weeks

~*~

|your the redhead now I am to do what ever you say ba bwa ha ha ha

~*~

Well i have the maniacal laugh part down pat
.
However I'm still working on my lair.I am border line ready
to set my plan for world domination into motion . We should check notes . So
that we don,t mess each others plots up...

~*~

I just wanted to say that your profile is the greatest read I've ever seen on a
dating website. You have such a great joy of life. And, a little geekiness is a
very attractive quality. I'm not sure that we are a match, but I was really
drawn to the things you wrote.
So here are my answers:
My plan for world domination is to lull everyone into
a false sense of complacency. Is there a passive-aggressive way to take over
the world? I'm not really into riches and power, but world peace would be nice.
So, I would have to rule the world for its own good.
My ideal lair would be a nice condo in the city.
Sorry, but The Emperor of the World should not have to mow the lawn. This lair
must be within a block or two of a nice coffee shop. The Emperor should not
have to fight traffic for a mocha. And by nice, I mean somewhere with free
wi-fi and couches you can sit in all day long and watch your subjects walk by.
My ideal partner in crime would not be evil. Maybe
she could be the more misunderstood type. Anyway, kindness, joy, and wit are
important qualities in a partner in crime (when they aren't trying to take over
the world).

~*~

Mwa ha ha ha
!
Maniacal enough for 'ya? LOL
Hope all is well. I'm new to Okcupid as well and
would love to talk sometime. Besides, hatching evil plans is best done covertly
away from spying eyes and software.
Get in touch sometime, if for nothing else, than to
compare plans, henchmen, and floorplans for evil lairs

~*~

Let me tell you about my catacombs. In one's fantastic lair you can argue the
aesthetic benefits vs. the strict
am-I-going-to-be-holding-back-the-barbarian-hordes necessity of the portcullis,
moat and drawbridge, battlements, and other anachronistic detritus of the
fortified lair option, but I maintain that any lair I would inhabit must have
catacombs that are poorly, if at all, mapped and frankly, dangerous. They are
to be there for my own amusement and/or annoyance, as I will occasionally have
to repel the wayward undead that creep into the upper levels, and delve into
the depths to prove my own glory and claim the riches of some
too-big-for-their-britches Liches.
It is so rare that I get to indulge in the glory of
my own former geekdom. There is rather little of that culture these days, while
it was mandatory among the in crowd in my college town.
Your profile is a thing of beauty even more than your
charming photos, and in truth your look is the kind that turns me on (not the
blood and stuff but the look of you). I am impressed with the 91% match rating
from OKCupid.
So, my beautiful, geeky Lady, I await your response
with more anticipation than I have from many messages sent here before. I hope
you will visit my profile and see fit to reply. I will be disappointed if I
don't get to meet you.

~*~

Madame,
I have no designs on world domination (yet), but when
I am done with Europe, I'm sure Asia will start to look ripe for the picking.
Wait...80 gallons of frozen jello? Hmmmm...change of plans...wonderful...wonderful...
I already have a serviceable lair. I live in a
semi-secluded house, alone...well, not quite "alone." I have a
minion. She's more of a slightly neurotic, tortoise shell feline, and not at
all loyal, but she's...fuzzy. I'm thinking of moving my lair to a tree fort,
but not in a tree. Who would ever think to look for a tree fort...on the
ground?
You know I didn't know "it" was called
Steampunk until a few years ago. I've always just called it Victorian science
fiction. But I'm getting the sense it's a little more than that. I read Verne
and Wells a long time ago and played an old RPG called Space 1889 and the
primitive computer game of the same name. I am in the process of rediscovering
my inner geek that has been dormant for some time.
You have an amazing profile and I can't help but find
you utterly fascinating. It just so happens I'm located anywhere. If you'd care
to converse (on any topic, but if you could instruct me on making minions
loyal, I'd be most appreciative), drop me a line. You may need an extra pair of
lungs for that bouncy castle.
Bow before...sorry, sorry. Getting ahead of myself.
I am your humble servant.

~*~

Stepping Carefully into your lair
I have to admit that I lean more towards the side of
the hero who opposes the villain's master plan for world domination. Still, who
knows what might happen when I'm confronted by an alluring and seductive
villainess. Might I be corrupted into becoming party to her nefarious plans?
Perhaps my powers might come in useful to you.

~*~

Hello, I need your help!
I have a big mission if you will except. We will be
going all over the city so bring comfortable shoes. We will need a six pack of
red bull, 100 sweet tarts , a jar of peanut butter and a banjo. I hope you are
ready to get you hands dirty. I'm glad to Know there is a nother mastermind out
there, say nothing, if anyone asks. When we meet I will say to you, "My,
the side walk is flat" and you say "I love bouncy tents". Got
it!!! Till we meet watch you back! Over and out
P.s. Bring the gears!!

~*~

the ultimate lair...internet is a must have tool.comfortable furniture is a
must. good art would be a big plus. location would be top secret, of course.mt
plan for world domination includes random acts of kindness and entertainment.

~*~

I will admit it, after the quick summary I hit the pictures first. What can I
say, I am shallow-ish. But when I saw the awesome steampunk goggles were from
DragonCon, it made me go HMMMM in a completely C&C Music Factory Approved
(tm) way. And a picture as a zombie? Totally non-typical and awesome!
As for my master criminal plan, it involves replacing
the worlds greatest works of art with with exact replicas and then.. uh...
looking at them... and stuff. Alright, it needs work. First of all, I have no
idea how I am going to sneak a molecular scanner into the Louvre. Second, how
am I going to be able to pay for the utilities on a 1,000,000 sq-ft
climate-controlled nondescript warehouse on the edge of town? So many things to
think about.
Well, if you have any ideas on how I might improve on
this plan or just looking for a native guide, drop me a line. I don't know of a
retro-karaoke place right off hand, but I am sure we could find one with a bit
of diligence. (On the other hand, I do know of a bowling alley where drunken
red-necks howl like coyotes that inexplicably love classic rock, but I can't
recommend it, unless for anthropological reasons :)
P.S. Huge points for including both "Dune" and "Girl
Genius" in your media favorites. A most compelling combination!
P.P.S. What exactly is going to happen when you
freeze the 80 gallons of Jello? Lime I presume? Is the flavor key? I am filled
with curiosity. And maybe just a hint of dread.

~*~

Plan for world domination #780234
Create a bacteria that has an affinity for the leaves
of poinsettia plants and produces LSD as a waste product. I can inoculate them
by doping the misters in every Ecke family production facility in Central
America. The result will be an even greater dilution of their monopoly in the
ensuing chaos and the removal by fear of another symbol of Christmas.
This is part of a greater overarching plan to further
commercialize Christmas by selling more durable goods. The chain of events will
eventually mean that I no longer have to shop for or put thought into gifts
because eventually the companies will have enough power combined with accurate
data mining to just sell me a short list of what my friends and relatives want.
Thus, freeing me for another 10-12 hours each year in which I can engage in
various hobbies.
Also, from my years in IT, I understand how to
infiltrate the corporate world. These skills mean that once the corporate
takeover of holidays and government is complete, I can use assassination and
falsified employment history to end up CIO of a large company. From there, it's
just one well placed, commercially mass produced bomb to the height of power
and money and all the tacos I can eat. What diverse and conglomerated portfolio
does not include tacos, I ask you?
Tell me of your ideal secret lair in more words than
you shared in your profile. I'd love to know.

~*~

I liked some things about your profile;
1) You can deal with the geeks.
2) You did the Zombie Walk. I missed it but I and my son LOVE zombies...he
missed out a couple of years back being in the movie they filmed downtown due
to last min. age restriction changes. Poo on them!
3) You used the word Ginormous...which I just typed in to describe my dogs not
but 15 mins previously when I downloaded photos of them.
4) I love TMBG and have one of their CD's in my car most of the time.
5) Your business sounds cool. I tend to classify myself as a 'facilitator'
anymore...I introduce people to one another more often than organize
myself...must be age wearing on me. I make a decent henchman at times...I call
it being a 'puppetmaster' but, hey...PotAYto PotAHto.
6) I seek partners in crime...my crimes lately have been confined to sneaking
into movies. Some call it cheap, some call it thill seeking, some call it
fighting The MAN, some call it evil...I call it teaching my son lessons in
applied psychology.
7) I have plans for world domination...but, I'm lazy and procrastinate a
lot...and if I were to enact them...people wouldn't like me.
8) I'm pretty geeky...conventions when possible and perviewing nerdy things.
There are more I'm sure...but, it's late and I feel like going to bed or
reading a sci-fi book...or reading as I go to bed.
Well...that's it for now.
Take care!