Inbox Full of Crazy (4 page)

I'm in my 30's, and I have no qualms about being honest about my
age in personal ads. Therefore, I'm genuinely shocked how many 19-24 year olds
ping me with a horribly composed sentence explaining how much they crave the
company of a "matuare sexxxy woman who has it going on."
I'm equally startled by the sheer volume of men in
their 50's and above. The younger guys almost always make a point of saying
what smart or sassy thing in my ad caught their attention. Okay, let's be
honest - they're probably turned on by any woman who likes zombies. The point
is the younger guys actually pay a little attention before making their pitch.
The older guys, on the other hand, completely ignore everything I say in my ads
in favor of bitterly letting me know that men in the AARP still have needs.
The photos that came with these messages were so
creepy they inspired me to quit Match.com (the unofficial home of the dick pic
parade.) I know there are plenty of attractive, well groomed older men on
dating sites. I looked. I’m guessing those guys respect the broad parameters of
a woman’s profile and only email people who might agree to a date. Instead, before
I fled from Match.com I heard from a parade of elderly serial killers trolling
for women 20-30 years their junior.
I’m not exaggerating.
One of these guys had a profile pic that looked
disturbingly like Rasputin molesting a life sized Dora the Explorer doll. The
guys who claimed to look like Santa were obviously posing for the “after” shot
in an upcoming movie where police discover the north pole’s secret meth lab. A
webcam shot of a snarling retiree who forgot to put in his dentures had him
seductively posed in a room that belonged on “Hoarders.” These were angry,
elderly men who believed they damn well deserved a blowjob from a woman at
least half their age.
There's a whole lot of weird white male entitlement
going on here (let me once more stress the horror of the photos - this parade
of toothless, wild bearded, angry hoarders looked like they would happily peel
my skin off and use it to reupholster their motorized scooters), but after I
finished my 19th shower and could read their messages without trembling in fear
of the thought that they'd masturbated to my photos, I noticed some interesting
trends.
Pundits like to declare the youth of our nation can't
write. I beg to differ. No man under 30 has ever said I shouldn't expect good
grammar, spelling or punctuation. These old coots, on the other hand, take a
peculiar glee in telling me I'll never hear from anyone with decent writing
skills. Sorry, Rasputin, but in reality, the guys I hear from in their 20's are
mostly college educated, especially articulate, and very computer savvy. Stop
waving your canes and telling those boys to get off your lawn. They're great
guys.
If you’re feeling sympathetic towards some of these
guys while reading their not altogether horrifying messages, remember every
single one of them looks like an angry homeless panhandler and they're all
writing to a woman younger than their granddaughters. I am not exaggerating. Go
google a photo of Rasputin. Are you looking at it? Stare into those cold, dead,
eyes. Now read these messages again. Have fun sleeping tonight.

~*~

I like your ad, and the way you composed it. You probably won't be interested
in me because I'm only looking for a sexual relationship. I'm 50’s, good
looking, and like I said just looking for sex. Hate to be so blunt, but it's
best for both of us.

~*~

ha ha, nobody that reponds to a personal can spell ! You're going to be a hard
sell.
I'm probably older than responses you're
entertaining, however, I'm a 59 year old, I'm almost in good shape and
reasonably articulate.
I'd like to think I'm a good date, I wouldn't really
know since I don't date and have been single last 3 years. I have 2 teenage
daughters with me 1/2 the time, and am recently unemployed though still
comfortable. I enjoy good food, japanese, indian, american et al.
Hobbies and interests for the most part can wait, for
if the preceding didn't nix the whole idea, I'll share with you later :) I do
like biking, travelling, movies.
So what do you like ? I'm sure you've had plenty of
responses, but if you're looking fo something a little different, write back.

~*~

I am having trouble getting my picture go through.I am a very adventurous
person who would loves to travel.I am a very affectionate person who likes to
treat that special someone like a Queen. I have 2 dogs and like taking them to
the park.I am a pretty funny guy who likes to make people laugh. If you would
like I could send a picture to a private email. I am pretty computer illiterate
which is normal for the 60’s and just can't seem to figure it out.I like going
out to eat with a special person.I would love to find find someone who is fun
and dependable.I want to find someone to put before myself in bed and out.I
would love to hear back from you, you do sound like a lot of fun.

~*~

Asking for literacy and writing skills could be setting the bar a bit high in
this market. But I'll ty my best.
Like you, I love finding hole-in-the-wall places to
eat, if they turn out to be little gems. Of course, you don't know until you
try them. Life is an adventure.
I'm 59 (though most people think I'm about ten years
younger), an attorney, and passionately interested in the arts, especially
visual arts. As for hobbies, I enjoy cooking and having friends over for
parties. Tonight I had several artist friends over for Mexican food. The menu
included green chile and chicken soup, and burritos with red or green chile
sauce.
I am very involved with photography, and several of
the people here tonight were photographers. I'll tell you more about this if
you decide you would like to continue the conversation
I hope this interests you, and that you would like to
talk further, and meet.

~*~

I want to see you in black stockings and stiletto heels!!! I'm not sure what to
say other than I liked your profile and the way you express yourself ! If I'm
not to old or to married lets talk !

~*~

Hithere! I kind of expect that you'll not read this, since the filtering agent
says I'm unacceptable, so I'll keep this short.
You appear to be a singularly wonderful human being,
and I would love to take over the world with you. Or talk to you. Or hang out
somewhere, sometime. I look like santa and I’m just as generous.

~*~

According to cyber launched connectivity factors I am in strick violation of
wasting your time...but we could maybe do that tomorrow...You may find me
dull...unless you love Santa bcause I rock that look
I might find you exciting many ofthe same interest
seem to apeal to us
perfect combo..?I guess read my profile, since they
rejected it on the side of milk cartons...
finish all those Cheeerios and let me know....

~*~

I wish there wasn't an age difference - you would be fun to get to know and
bouce around with. Fun first date riding a horse or riding me up to you.
Hugs
P.S. I'm 60 but who's counting!

~*~

you sound like a lot of fun..i am 59 married and veyr honest ..want o play in
bed some...so let me know if you might be inteeresed

~*~

my idea of a totally different first date, do you like planes all kinds of
planes? have you ever heard of the air force museum at wright patterson air
force base in just north of Cincinnati. it takes two days to see the whole
thing. a few words about me, i am a single white male, 55years old, 6'0'' tall
and 250 pounds, not fat but heavy set. i am retired, but i don't date because i
have a 5 year old grand daughter who i spend every other weekend with and 4
weeks in the summer and 1 week at Christmas, and i have promised her father
that i would not involve any one that i happen to go out with in her life. as
for a picture i have the digital camera, but i lack the computer skills to
attach pictures in emails as for me when the weather is warm i enjoy riding my
motorcyle, going to the Smokey's and rallies, also i love to go fishing. if
interested email me back and we can talk.

~*~

Hi, read your profile... Very nice.
I would like to trade more pictures with you if you are
real.
I am not good at this online so you may need to help me.
I am 56 nice looking, single, good job, nice home.
I would like to stimulate you both from above and below. I
have a very high
sex drive which I can't find
anyone who will match it. Are you the one? Let me see more pictures so we can
get a feel for one another OK.

~*~

Are you stupid? Ifyou judge men by how they write you will die alone and itwill
all be your fault. I'm 64 300 pounds not fat just husky ready to retire. I have
a prescription for little blue pills and know how to keep you hapy all night
long. I dont know how to get a picture from my camera online but I am very nice
looking andpeople say im like Santa so ho ho ho how far willyou go?

~*~

I would love to have the opportunity to try and stimulate your mind!! I am a
young at heart man who just would love to find a woman that needs a man to
please her in every way that she desires. I am wanting to please her
mind,body,and soul. But the problem I keep having is I dont get in return. I
will be more than happy to tell you more about me over dinner or lunch, which
ever you prefer.
I am looking forward to your reply......;-)

~*~

I enjoyed your posting, and I'm intrigued by your interests, which are similar
to my own. I love science fiction, especially in series, like the Foundation
trilogy-- which is actually part of the 15 novels in the Asimov robot series.
And I'm interested in ancient history, particularly Egyptian, though I approach
it more through its art. Art is my passion, especially photography. I am 59
years old, though most people think I'm much younger. I think drinks would be a
good way to start, and continue on for dinner. Somehow, I think we will have
plenty to talk about. But chemistry can only be gauged in person.

~*~

Hello there,
I just had to send you a note as I found your profile
very intriguing. I am an educated, articulate, engaging, affable, outgoing 57yr
old man and quite possibly outside your age range, but sometimes you have to
say what the heck. Ok, that may not be the exact quote, but I am a gentleman
first and foremost for heaven's sakes.
I worked for an electronics retailer for many many
years, but now work selling computer services to businesses so I guess you
could say that I too am a geek of sorts and yes I have seen all the movies you
spoke of. In addition I enjoy movies (in or out), nice dinners (also in or
out), bike rides (only out on this one), book stores, coffee shops, travel
(especially Vegas or the beach) and just enjoying life.
I must admit that I am an old fashioned romantic who
enjoys holding hands, holding doors, buying flowers or chocolates just because,
cuddling, snuggling, hugging and those long deep slow kisses that last for 3
days that Kevin Costner spoke of in a movie once (bonus points if you know the
movie).

~*~

would love to lunch and maybe a movie, age 58, slim, laid back love the out
doors, from camping to the harley, you would look great on back of a bike with
all that horsepower between your legs

~*~

good morning to you !... i am a married man... but believe it or not.... i'm
NOT interested in trying to get together for a 1 "afternoon"
stand.... was kind of hoping for a more long term ... "affair to
remember"... maybe get together on a somewhat regular basis... BUT.. thats
not the purpose of my note , as i can tell from the "air" of your ad
that that is not what YOU are looking for.. the purpose of my note... now don't
laugh...is to say you will NOT find a man under 40...not the way you
write!....not going to happen....lol.. have a great day hun !.....

~*~

I’m an overworked professional in need of a fantastic vacation with someone
special! We both deserve it!
I’m handsome but need to lose some weight before we go. You’re cute in your own
way.
You’re unique and your friends think you deserve someone special. I appreciate
the little things.
I’m a married but lonely romantic. You’re open-minded and discreet.
You love to travel. I love to travel.
I read several books each month. You can hold your own in a conversation with
anyone.
You might just steal my heart. I might just spoil you rotten!
Let’s get away.

Let's be honest. You're not writing to anyone you don't find at least mildly
attractive. She may have the most amazing, compatible profile you've ever read,
but if she looks like Madeline Albright, you're not asking her out for coffee.
Everyone knows that guys only write to the pretty girls - or the girls who look
extra easy.
Individually, none of these messages are too horrible. That's why I wanted to
put them in context. Pay attention here, gentlemen. This is every woman's
inbox. We're all flooded with semi-literate horndogs who write like they just
finished masturbating to our pictures. I've learned that "pretty" is
code for "I've never read a single profile. I just copy and paste the same
message to 10 new girls each day in the hopes one of them has low enough self
esteem to blow me."
Want a reply? Dig through those profiles. Find one thing to say that makes it
look like you value something in addition to her tits. It's okay if her tits
are the first thing that caught your attention. That's why they're so prominent
in so many photos. But as a gentleman, it's your job to pretend you didn't
notice (you sly dog) because you were so taken in by the fact that you both
love the same TV show or cook the same foods or are equally and inexplicably
obsessed with David Lynch's "Dune." The more obscure the better -
well, as long as you're honest. If you hate "Dune" you may not
understand when she throws a cinnamon spice latte in your face and shouts
"My name is a killing word!" before stomping out of the coffee shop.
I'm always amazed when a guy asks where I'm from, what my religion is, or what
I do for a living. It's all right there in my profile, front and center. You
don't even have to scroll.
Guys, generic cut and paste jobs make it extra clear you spent 10 minutes
sending every new woman on the site the exact same message. If that's all the
effort you could spare for her, why should she take the time to write you back?
I guarantee you're not the only horny guy hoping a little flattery will get her
into bed.
Let's be honest. If you want to stand out from these guys, make sure you have
something to say other than acknowledging she's pretty. If that's really the
only reason you're contacting her, keep searching until you find a pretty girl
who actually has something in common with you. I promise she's out there.

~*~

Y
ou are pretty!I'am a southern gentleman who loves to
laugh. I love pretty girls!Mypiccs not so good as yours are much better and
prettier than I am deserve a pretty girl like you because I’ma real gentlemen
you will’nt do better who loves pretty girls.

~*~

Good evening! How are you doing? I really liked your profile and pics, and
would like to know you better. Pretty girls are always the nicest. You look
really nice. I liked the third pic. It is pretty. You are on your knees. You
show real personality. That is a good thing for a girl. Let's chat!

~*~

PRETTY PIC U PRETTY GIRL!!!! I SHOUGH PRETTY GIRLS THE BEST TIME!!! LETS DO
THIS PRETTY GIRL!!!

~*~

we should chat pretty girl. I call you professor! u can school me hard. i make
you feel like prettiest girl in the world bcause u deserve it professor pretty!

~*~

h’lo pretty girl! you sure to seemed to be well versed in the english language.
read your profile, seem to be a neat person. want to chat awhile? give me a
ring at [number redacted] or send me pics of your tits

~*~

Hello Beautiful,
how are you doing today ? Just wanted to say you have
a lovely pic and a nice profile. My name is John,i am 40yrs old single dad. I
would really love to get to know a pretty girl likeyou. Have a wonderful night

~*~

I need to know a pretty girl like you. Too many girls are ugly inside. Your
pretty inside and out. I deserve to know you inside and out and you deserve a
man like me. Make it happen.

~*~

Hello! I saw your profile and wanted to say hi. You seem accomplished and have
a perfect smile....:) I would like to connect with a pretty girl like you. Most
girls on sites aren’t so pretty. You are special. I want to show you how
special you are, pretty girl.

~*~

u prove thick girls can be pretty. i take u to the club every man there will
want a piece of u but ur all mine. i,m possessive. when ur with me ur my pretty
girl.

~*~

Your profile is a thing of beauty even more than your charming photos, and in
truth your look is the kind that turns me on. So, my beautiful, geeky Lady, I
await your response with more anticipation than I have from many messages sent
here before. I hope you will visit my profile and see fit to reply. I will be
disappointed if I don't get to meet such a lovely lady as you.

~*~

Hi Lovely,
Aside from your beautiful green eyes, I enjoyed
reading about you. You're just full of zest, and seemingly happy times. That's
quite nice, and it keeps you young. I do not think that we're a match, though
it's no harm in writing, while throwing some "props" your way. Lovely
ladies should know they are appreciated. You are beautiful.

~*~

You seem like a queen I always looked for ! I have always wanted to be with a
geek who is fully figured like yourself! You are hot! Give a reply!

~*~

Hi!
I saw your pic and and thought yes I must say hi and introduce my self. you
look like a girl I would like to know. I am not eactly sure what is on my
profile ( this is the first time i have been on this site since last jan, i was
in a relationship untill a couple of months ago) so I may repeat some things
that are on there.
I am in the IT field, currently unemployed after my place of business closed. I
am going to school for my second degree, making something good out of a bad
situation :-)
I would love to send you a pic, but dont know how so to
descibe myself i am 6 foot, abt 180 lbs, sholder length dark hair, hazel eyes,
and im white. You look like the kind of woman I would really enjoy.
I enjoy movies, concerts, music, reading and video games.
Would love to here more about you and if you have any questionas about me
please feel free to ask. I am honest and you can't offend me :-) You can
contact me though here, or if you want to you can e-mail me. I look forward to
hearing from a pretty girl like you.

~*~

hi! whats up how are you? youre pretty cute! want to chat? where ya located?
what is you're name? pics re great! Good job being pretty!

~*~

I find you absolutely alluring. I think you are pretty, curvy, sensual and
above all else, you are intelligent. I find that wildly attractive and look
forward to a possible oppertunity to get to know you. I love someone i can talk
to candidly, enjoy conversing on a level that few seem to acheive. I hope this
note finds you well and that perhaps soon i might hear from you.

~*~

I LIKE YOU LOT
!
Hello Beautiful! How are you doing ? Hope you are
enjoying your nice wonderful day!
I do have a nice job and life. I wanted to talk to you and get to know more
about you. Where are you from? What is your employment? I have more to share if
you are interested after reading my profile and my details. I am originally
from INDIA but mostly lived all over Europe, studied in Scotland and mostly in
Amsterdam, london. Now i am here with my fav job that i love in the crazy
corporate world.
I am very down to earth simple straight, very open, very romantic and speak
openly. Thats me.
I am serious when it comes
to life but very down to earth laid back after work jogging around the park or
streets or lay on my coach and feet on coffee table or enjoy a nice coffee at
starbucks or enjoy a nice book at borders.
I am looking for a nice trustworthy loving caring romantic girl who can share a
beautiful smile to cheer me up and spoil me nice cuddles and kisses. I am sure
it is not too much to ask.
a
nyway, thats
little about me. Tell me about you! Who are you?
if you are interested and would love to talk. welcome to accept my offer for a
nice coffee or dinner or walk in cold lol :) or even a movie

~*~

Nice smiel
! How are you tonight? I would like to
chat with you and get to know you. I live in this beautiful citty almost as
beautiful as you for about 7 years of my life. I moved hear about 12 years ago.
If you would like to chat and get to know each other just let me know. You have
beautiful pictures. I hope you have a great night and thank you for your time,
pretty woman.

~*~

Hiya!
I think you are cute and HOT! :)
Have a funtastic weekend!
When
you get home, tell me how HOT you were. Send me pics!

~*~

Hey there...I saw u were on my quiver match...thought you were hella cute and
what not.....thought I would hit ya up... im 30/m/straight. I am a huge music
fan.....and very tall :) I am 6'5 210 pounds or so. Anyways, I would like to
learn more about ya and maybe talk on yahoo messenger for awhile and see if we
click? U down?
thanks and have a great day!

~*~

hey baby how are you! i really think your the most gorgeous girl Ive seen! hit
my cell up. send a picture of yourself. [number redacted]. I'm located in st
Louis Missouri....but I'm originally from California. id love to meet you and
get to know you. i am wanting to know everything about you. id love to know
what you enjoy do u like to cook what is your favorite thing to prepare. what
drives you ...I'm very intelligent lovely sweet and there's not a mean bone in
me i really want someone who can keep my attention do u think your it if u are
i think u should write me back so we can start getting to know each other. id
really love that

~*~

Profile is to cute for words. You seem to be a women who knows exactly what she
wants. So why still single, pretty girl?

~*~

You sound and look AWESOME! :) Hit me back, pretty girl!

~*~

You're really pretty!!!! Maybe we can get to know each other???

~*~

So... You did catch my attention, physically.... And, we seem to be insanely
compatible on a few different levels. One of them was in the 90th percentile!
;-)

~*~

Simply lovely, alluring, and shiney. Stop by my place n lemme know if you see
anything you like. Peace.

~*~

Hi,
I am couldn't help noticing your elegant smile. You
seem to live in a wonderfully intriguing world of your own. I would like to
know more about you. How's your day, beautiful?

~*~

WAZ UP I,M 24 BUT U CAN GET IT
I’M ALWAYS UP FOR PRETTY GIRL LIKE
U.