Inbox Full of Crazy (6 page)

I
can honestly say I don't have the faintest clue what set some of these guys
off. I don't have any closeups of my feet online (and have been assured by
impartial third parties that they are perfectly ordinary.) I've never mentioned
shopping in any of my profiles. I neither paint nor seek out painters.
I put my absolute favorite WTF message first because honestly, I can't get over
the imagery. There are so many things far more wrong with this carefully worded
missive, but the window shaded by felt curtains makes me picture a tepid grey
collection of dryer lint awkwardly held together by hardened Elmer’s glue.
Behind it, a darkly tanned single mother in her late 40′s is kicking back
with a bottle of Wild Turkey American Honey and occasionally flashing strangers
with something that looks like a caramel wrapper left in the sun too long. Wait
– it’s a breast wrinkled by a lifetime of cigarette smoking and tanning bed
abuse. How can he resist? He “wont” because he “wonts” it too much!
I understand the undying passion such a vision entails, but c’mon. After seeing
the first Star Trek movie, don’t you think we inflicted more than enough
interstellar damage with V’Ger? Don’t take this to the stars. Seriously. We’re
already the backwater Alabama hick town of the Milky Way. Don’t give aliens any
more reason to mock us.

 ~*~

Your standing in the frame of a window, your body silhouetted beneath the soft
felt cloth that keeps my eyes from seeing all that l desire! A breeze flushes
your clothing giving me a sent of what is to come. The power your posses over
me is intoxicating. Your blouse is un-button down to your navel. Your breast
tanned and exposed add to my desire to take you but l wont my self control
back. You will have none of this you will take what you wont, when you wont it.
Greece is where we have gone l have waited long for what you hold l will wait
no more l will have you!——Stay toned——– If you like, write me back we will take
this to the stars..

~*~

WTFuuuu?????????? Dem Feet!!!! why u put shitty horror freak show up try to
blind me what ur probeem??????? Disgusting!!!!! put that freak ass shit in
dumpster not on profile where men get blind go mad from have to look at it

~*~

i know u stupid but i like help stupid girls get better. u buy me drinks we go
mallin i help u find good shoes will cover up them fugly ass troll shit on ur
legsa. bring cash. dem freak shit need help. i got ur back!!!!!!!!!

~*~

ur muchness of body is interest to me. i paint on there be expression of soul 2
u unterstand not connfuse like worship of god women of old times before men
understood god but now god forgotton and people confused so paint best is yues?

~*~

Lynch Dune? Really? In spite of or because of Sting's unbelievable (read
whatever value judgment you like into that) performance? We need to discuss
this in more detail. I'll pay for the wine. You bring the spice.

~*~

Why are you so self absorbed? Your whole profiel is you you you. Your job your
hobbies your fav food. You have nice pics but you never say what you do for a
man. No wonder you single. All you you you. I wnat to hear about me. Tell me
why I shyould buy you dinner and stop being so selfish bitch.

~*~

I like to get dirty, girl! Stop being so kinky. Not what you think! I take my
pickup offroad and tear through the woods like a wolverine. You bring a six
pack and I'll take you with me. Make sure you wear a scarf over your face like
you're robbing a bank.

Before you read on, let me assure you most single guys are just
like you. Honest. They're a little lonely, a little awkward, and eager to find
an actual boy or girlfriend so they can stop mucking about with the hassle of
dating.
Then there are the self appointed Pick Up Artists. These sultans of seduction,
Romeos of romance, and creators of creepiness all believe that using the same
math skills they learned playing Magic the Gathering combined with a badly
mangled misunderstanding of linguistics will magically transform their cocks
into your favorite flavor of lollipops.
Don't walk away, ladies. Run. These guys treat dating the same way they do
video games, complete with the same level of maturity and respect you find on
X-Box Live. Reading their online forums, you can tell their vaunted tactics
work just as well in real life as telling that whore to make you a sammich does
in Call of Duty, but lack of success doesn't stop them. It only makes them
angrier.
The PUA (these guys love their acronyms) theory is that if they can whittle you
down while making you laugh they'll get past your "bitch shield" and
your panties will magically drop. Their main tactic for this is
"negging," short for "negative hits" (taken right from the
deepest bowels of sexist gamer culture, where they all snorkel in post-curry
diarrhea before  angrily venting on PUA forums that they managed to
successfully neg a girl within 3 seconds but all that bitch said was,
"Touch me again and I'm calling the bouncer, you creep." )
These men have a whole host of other ways they've convinced themselves they can
con a woman into believing they're such butch alpha males that evolution will
force her tiny girl brain into a frenzied mating spasm that instant. Reading
their acronym list and explanations alone is a great drinking game for a girl's
night, so long as none of you need to be sober by Tuesday. Sadly, gentlemen, since
most of you are decent human beings, I advise you not to venture into that
treacherous swamp if you don't want to spend the rest of your evening in a
scalding hot shower trying to wash away embarrassment over sharing a Y
chromosome with those trolls.
I've received each one of these messages at least ten times from ten different
guys. The annoying thing is some of the messages really are kind of fun. In
fact, the first instance of some of these earned actual replies. Instead of the
witty banter I was expecting, though, I was blindsided by a random crime
against spelling chock full of blisteringly sexist remarks and a reminder that
I should come over and suck his dick right now. But be quick about it, because
I need to be gone before Late Night Swim starts on the Cartoon Network. Googling
the first message that set off that tirade invariably led me back to a PUA
forum.
Learn a lesson here, guys. If you can't actually write your own opener, you're
not going to have any game. Once you start replying on your own, it becomes blindingly
obvious that you either copied that opener off a forum or a kind wingman wrote
a playful message for his mentally disabled little brother.
These are the guys who give online dating a skeevy reputation. They assume
you're stupid, they think they're predators, and I can tell you from experience
they're exactly the kind of entitled assholes who believe buying you a $2 Bud
Lite at Happy Hour means you owe them a blow job.

~*~

Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would
invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull
you close and whisper in your ear "I have a swanson tv dinner in the
freezer with your name on it." Then I would fill your wine glass with welch's
grape juice

~*~

So what if I’m an asshole?
I'm a jerk. period. If you ask me "Does this
yellow raincoat make me look fat?" I'll tell you: " No baby....it
makes you look like a fuckin' school bus!!"
But I'm an even-handed jerk. I'll cook if you'll
clean up.

~*~

I would swim up the Amazon with 45 pound dumbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen
Degeneres ? queff as my air supply if it meant I could eat a seasfood dinner
with you over skype on a dail up internet connection
Not serious....
Kinda serious....

~*~

Dear Miss
After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I
wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories....
You will always have a special place in my heart.
You ex-hubby
ps.
You can keep the bech house in Blackpool as long as I
can have the dog and my cd's back.

~*~

Oh heavenly blessed beauty whos beauty is above and beyond anything I have
witnessed in my 24 years of existence. Words cannot describe the feeling that
pulsed through my penis when I laid upon your picture... I would swim across
shark infested waters with open wounds, wrestle a crocodile with my arms bound
behind my back and crawl on my hands and knees over sand paper, just to sniff a
single pubic hair you shaved over a month ago. (assuming you are shaven)

~*~

My, my, who is this heavenly blessed beauty???
Introduce yourself, oh resolution of the divine,
embodiment of Heaven's purest angelic perfection, progenitor of Aphrodite's
DNA!

~*~

I would climb Mt. Everest using Snooki's farts as my only air supply and a
banana hammock as my only clothing if it meant that I could have cyber sex on
skype in morse code on a dial-up connection in a VERY rainy day with the male
nurse who happened to be in the delivery room when you were born

~*~

Hey, are you a good driver? My friend and I are robbing a bank on Tuesday. we
need you to pick us up at 11:00 and drive us to the airport. You get 3%.

~*~

I’m lost… I can’t find my friends and I’m scared… Remember when we were kids
and you could just make new friends whenever you wanted… and you said ‘want to
be my friend?’ Do you guys want to by my NEW friend?”

~*~

You look Stunning!.....I Have to be straight with you, I was Paid to say
that......But I would have said it for free because I don't like lying

~*~

if i were a Flower I would reach up to u stretching to my most extended peak
In pursuit to feel ur warmth ur Love
Understanding that my life is enhanced by ur presence
U r the sun
hi
i am appreciate meeting new interesting people

~*~

After reading your profile,checking out your pictures and calling a few of
America's best trained professionals..we came to the conclusion that I can in
fact.... beat you at a thumb wrestling competition.I know its heartbreaking,but
I bet you really are an awesome person... :/

~*~

"Hey, so I thought of this really witty but cute message to send you but I
got distracted by a pizza ad....so...hi?"  

~*~

Make me dinner.
Just Kidding.
Unless you're down....
Then I like my steak Medium Rare...
Lol just kidding
Medium Well.

~*~

“hey, so do you have a job? I need a woman who can support me while I play
video games all day.”

~*~

I want a relationship but don't have time for women.
I'm successful but I'm dirt poor.
I'm a nice guy butI'm a complete asshole
I'm uneducated yet enlightened
I love to fight but don't I believe in violence
I work in sales but believe I in honesty
I'm a total dreamer yet completely pragmatic
And Carmen Santiago is a sexy bitch (referring to the pic in
your ad) (no offense intended, I meant that in a good way)

~*~

I like animals, but eat meat. Don't smoke, but love the smell of burnt
nicotine. Cook with beer, but can't drink it. I am a man, but tear up like a
girl when a fictional character dies in a movie.

~*~

Hey lady. So now that I've violated my own morals and joined an
online dating
site, I figured now would be a good
time to try and woo you. I promise nothing but pictures of tiffany diamonds and
lots of e-roses. Now don't get too excited, I mean I know your head over heals
in-love with idea. There’s the extent of my witty streak for the night. So
yeah, how do you end these things? A simple, Hmu, Facebook style? Nah we'll go
with the classy, ttyl

~*~

If you were cat you'd be in big trouble right now!
so i said to myself this online thing is so
delicate...within 2 lines of the conversation you can surmise
that someone is either extremely cool and fun or make you want to
delete you account and run for the ocean.
so total we have 4 lines to decide if the
ocean is worth running for...ill start...hi
=)

~*~

I'm better than these other dudes, I'm incredibly funny and fun as fuck to be
around. You have gorgeous eyes, and your body is sexy as fuck. I'm definitely
interested in talking with you.
Get back to me, look forward to talking to you

~*~

You seem pretty interesting and fairly fun. I like that you have standards and
can't say that that isn't the reason I find you attractive. I have many
passions in life and enjoy the finer things, and you seem to be that type of
person to. You also seem to be pretty straightforward and honest which is rare
to find on a site like this.
Anyways, don't be intimidated, I look forward to hearing back from you!

~*~

I read your profile and noticed something that I can't say about many girls on
this website, you actually have a personality. Strike that and I'll take it one
step further, you actually have a pulse.
I've read vanilla profile after white bread profile on this website and came to
believe I was dealing mostly with robots. And nobody wants to date a robot,
they are made of metal and have claws