Inbox Full of Crazy (2 page)

My Roomba and I have a deal. I change its filters, empty its
collection bin, and make sure it has all the delicious electricity it can eat.
In exchange, when the Robot Apocalypse comes it’ll make sure I’m one of the
last people crushed under the stainless steel treads of our future masters.
Knowing I’m properly prepared for my inevitable
robotic oppression, imagine how distressing it is when I receive messages
accusing me of not only being a robot sympathizer, but actually being a secret
robot agent here to seduce unknowing flesh and blood men.
Let me assure you, if I’d been sent here from the
future to kill Sarah Connor I wouldn’t fill my empty hours going to dinner with
a balding middle school English teacher from St. Louis. I’d be living it up in
Dubai, conducting first hand research into the full extent of 21st century
decadence. It might take me years.
Sadly, I’m not a bot.
Gentlemen, I know you hear from a frightful number of
bots. Even my Roomba agrees that it is downright disturbing just how badly
those dating site bots want to sex you up and suck you off. But guys, really,
if you're optimistic enough to reply to an ad in the first place, why not stay
positive and assume the lady you're taking time to contact is actually a real
flesh and blood person? No woman likes to be told that your first impression is
she’s a lifeless automaton designed to milk you of your money. Take a chance.
Leave that part out.
I’m really fascinated by the combination of anger and
anticipation in these messages. I’m a damned bot, they’re sure of it, but just
in case they're wrong, we should meet tonight. The bot baiters rarely offer any
description of themselves or enticements other than the implication they have a
pulse. Instead, they assume I should be so relieved to find an actual human
survivor in the post-apocalyptic hellscape of online dating that I’ll rush
eagerly into their arms and start practicing our species repopulation plan
before dawn.
Telling a bot "NO BOTS!" won't stop them
from sending you links to porn sites, but it will stop actual human women from
replying to you.
It's fascinating. Their (understandable) hatred for
the dating bots puts some guys on the defensive. All their messages read like
this."Look, I just proved I'm human. Now it's up to you to impress me or
I'm just going to call you more demeaning names" The thing is, real, live
human women get dozens of messages every day (more if they're under 25 or
especially hot). If the only things you have to say are that you have a pulse
and you don't trust women, why should anyone bother to reply to you? Your first
message needs to be enticing, not generically offensive.
The next time you’re pissed at all the sexy pictures
sent by those evil bots, go write a long, rambling, hate filled email to an
understanding single guy friend. Spill all your bile to a sympathetic audience.
Once you’re drained, come back, find something you liked in the alleged girl’s
profile, and write a couple original sentences. If you can’t stop yourself from
making bot references, at least limit them to asking if she’s ever heard of
Skynet. But really, guys, if you're going to bother taking a chance that she
might be a human being, treat her like one.

~*~

Hello, your ad interests me. Trust me, I am a better than average wordsmith;
but I am over 50--too old??? I like to meet you. response gets my pic. Not into
wasting time typing about myself until you reply to confirm you are a real
person. Hope you understand.

~*~

Hi. I was just browsing thru and noticed your profile you had up while I was at
work. I am very interested in possibly meeting you, hopefully tonight. I wanted
to send this first to make sure that its an actual person and not some retarded
bot or something. If you are an actual person than make sure to contact me back
and we can definately do this thing! Please contact me back at [email removed]
before I leave work today. I get off at 5 p.m. Then hoepfully we can make
arrangements for later. Look forward to hearing from you! If you're real. If
you’re not rot in hell bot.

~*~

I have some free time. I would love to treat you to a meal. Please prove you
are real. I hate bots.

~*~

Any interest in going to skiing at Perfect North (near Cincinnati) ?? I'm
nice/nice looking, fit, professional type, 40's. My typing is really slow, so
I'll wait to see of you are real and not a damn bot before going further.

~*~

I've just seen your add on site. I was really impressed!!!
Seems we have lots to discuss))
I'm 30y.o.
If you want to meet me (may be even in reality)
please write more about you and, of course, send lots more pics!!!
There are so much fake ads on web, so i can't send my
pics first (but I really want!) Are you real? No bots!!!.
Waiting for your reply. Kissing you, darling))

~*~

Hey there.... one BIG question... are you REAL???
TONS of fakes.... im a single guy looking for HER....
may you be HER??? Thatd be nice!!!
Hit me back and we'll talk soon....

~*~

Hi there!!! My name is John. How are you doing today? Good I hope. Well I read
your ad and was intrigued by it so I am responding. Unfortunately because of
the number of fake ads I am not going to write a lot about myself right now
because I don't want to take the time to write something funny or witty and
personal only to have a response of "here, go to my website". Sad
isn't it? But hey, if you are reading this and want to know more about me then
write me back and tell me some more about you and I'll respond and tell you all
you want to know about me. Here is hoping you are real. :0)

~*~

Hi darling...I am quite interested in your Ad. My name is John. Since most
every ad on here seems to be some sex/porn site spam, I'll ask you to reply to
this message with "John" in the subject line so I know you are
legitimate and not computer generated. That is if you are at all Interested...I
have attached a pic and would like to see more of yours in return. I'm 26,
white male. I'm athletic, and am very engaged in the outdoors world. I work as
a Fireman. I love my work. I'm a little old fashioned meets contemporary class.
I consider myself quite the gentleman and undoubtedly a hopless romantic. I
like to ballroom dance, cook, clean, and I love snuggling. I am not sure what
you are into or looking for specifically for that matter. But if my qualities
and description are suitable, please reply as requested above and we can take
it from here. No bots.

~*~

I just wanted to make sure that this is real and not a robot. Sorry, no
disrespect to you just all the bs spam that comes from Match.
Btw my name is John and I am 35. Will tell you more
once we establish that this is real and sorry again

~*~

2 good 2 be tru? ur ad = very nice, very sexy, very prolly written by a bot. im
sorry that is a compliment. u could be a russian porn spam or phone sex site or
mail order bride because you are 2 good 2 be tru. prove me wrong. don’t be a
bot. i don’t believe it. i believe ur a spam acount made to trick men into
thinking women they want really exist but that is not the truth. unless it is.
what do you say, prolly bot girl?

~*~

NOT WASTING MY TIME ON WRITEING IF YOUR NOT A COMPUTER PLEASE E MAIL BACK

~*~

I don't meet your age qaulifications but I love my grandsons and they will tell
you I am thir hero, I am not sure exactly what to say on here either. I don't
have a respectable profile on
match.com
yet, just this account, however I am completly ashamed by slumming it up. I am
still unsure if you are a bot or not. I guess if you respond to this e-mail
with a request for me to log onto random site to get your number I will know. If
you come to my house and attack, well I have "How to Survive a Robot
Uprising" so you might be suprised by my ability to escape you and
survive. Although from your great interest of the organ in my head you sound
more like a zombie then a robot. Anyways "one fast move or I'm gone"
and the next is yours right? Unless you are really a robot. I hate bots. Don’t
kill me for that if the Terminators come but if you are really a russian mafia
or nigerian prince i have nothing and no money and no home to rob so delete me
from you’re mailing list.

I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt. Oral Roberts University
offered pretty much all graduating high school students in Tulsa a full tuition
scholarship so long as the women agreed to wear only modest blouses and skirts
that went below the knee and all students agreed to a total ban on interracial
dating.
That last part is a little tricky. No matter what
your apparent race, everyone in Oklahoma is part Indian. Hell, even people
whose grandparents moved here from India jump in on it. Sure, they’ll tell you,
gramps came from Mumbai, but Mom’s granddad was 1/4 Chocktaw. Just look at this
nose!
I digress. It’s hard not to when a married guy who
loves Jesus and blowjobs and wants more of both in his life just replied to my
online dating profile. In a weird way, these are my favorite bizarro world
emails. They’re so earnest!
Read on, my friends, and learn what quality
churchgoers say to a nice Jewish girl.

~*~

Looking for a holy ghost filled, blood bought woman.

~*~

I want more pics of you first............I know what ilook like how bout a long
ride on my bike......chicken wings and beer in the park......shoot a bunch of
shit at knob creek...and the rest of the night raising hell at my club......you
bring nice clothes sleep at my place and we go to church together sunday.

~*~

lets see more pics milf and conversate boo im young(24) but confident in my
looks and swagg and love of god

~*~

40 yr old man, currently married but in process of gettin that taken care of. i
am very honest, love god and jesus the lamb son of mary. decent looking at
least from what ive een told anyways, i am very sexual, like to give and
recieve oral, enjoy teasing with toys and enjoy watching a woman explode with
multiple orgasms and do whatever it takes for my partner to get the most
satisfying experience possible, yes i am for real, hoping to find a nice,
grounded woman with real boobs no fakes has the same likes, dislikes, who would
like to get to know one another for fest day or oaks. party with the wife cant
get out of it derby sucks lol not as much as you suck on what i got for you
oaks night. must love christ.

~*~

I love Christ the son of God our savior in heaven! I have been blessed wtih
many ways to make a righteous woman explode with joy and love. Take me into
your life and be revealed! white or asian only, under 30, must be height weight
proportionate. You are full of virtue yet eager to show her love to a man in
all the ways God gives a woman!!

~*~

Washed in the blood of Christ! Am telling ya! If you would just get to know
me...I am absolutely positive I am the person you are searching so much
for....your sensual...I am not being judgemental here...would hope you are not
and give this a chance....are you afraid of finding the one that could fulfill?

~*~

I'm a Bibliophile - very avid reader....currently and for the 4th time
reading...Sermon on the Mount.
Very spiritual believer in God but not religious.
While I believe I am a very spiritual person and I do
my very best in WWJD. I am a very sexual creature; not numbers of people but do
dream of finding one to explore with, many, many fantasies. I am open minded
this way. Not an addict or anything but I do have a complex and vivid
imagination. I am not a player and no one at current. Haven't found the right
one yet. Maybe you? I do not judge another's thoughts and appreciate her
feelings.
I am intelligent but love acting silly and doing
silly things, like bouncing on trampolines. I never seem to be accurately
profiled, constantly evolving, changing but ever faithful to the ones I love.

~*~

Howdy,
Well, I am in the army...not by a happy choice, but
neccssity to get trained for a new job and not have to pay for it....
I work out a lot, but am not buff or anything like
that
.
I love oldschool role playing games
.
I love to read about religion and philosophy,
actually went to Bible College and God is the rock in my life. Need a good
woman something bad.Like the pic, but I can't really see your face in it, do
you have a more normal one that i can see?. How weird are you? Really freaky or
someone I can take home to mom

~*~

You need to be tamed. I have a couple young boys that are with me about 50% of
the time. I prefer traditional roles in a relationship - I can lead if someone
wants to follow (most women these days do not) - just being honest - one of my
faults or positives depending on your view. I have opinions that you do not
agree with - but you must be willing to at least let me express my opinion -
its a mutual respect thing. I am one with Christ and you must convert to the
one true way if we start to date. You must be willing to lose wait. Your sloth
is a sin. Once you give yourself to Christ and submit to your man you will
learn discipline and not want to eat into a grave anymore.

~*~

Just read you ad. what i am looking for is to meet someone that i can give a
nice massage to, then give some nice oral sex after your satisfied i will
leave. please let me know...want to do this tonight. please dont stop and pray
in the middle because that makes me sad ...thanks

~*~

i love 3 things....jesus blowjobs my son...need a godfearing woman to swallow a
load.....how wides your mouth and how often do you pray?

~*~

i'm kindof shy honest christian man got a sense of humor like to watch movies
play games like guitar hero on wii xbox 360
what do you like to do for fun i would send you a
pic but its like too big to send though your ad so if you give me email i can
show you it i would like to see a pic of you btw
want a relationshiup, not something casual, but
must be serious ahnd marriage minded, very sensual. No sinners.

~*~

I'm looking for a woman that has let the light of Christ into her life who will
open to me and be full of love not willfull and disobedient. I know your place
and will put you on a pedastal but you must know how to obey and how to
pleasure me. Sex is a gift from the Almighty. You must share your gift only
with me or I will not spare the rodand spoil you. I know how to spoil you right
if you are loyal to me and to Christ our savior.

~*~

I need a woman bathed in the blood of Christ our savior! No kinky shit. Nothing
on your period.Want to meet tues or thurs after 8.