Inbox Full of Crazy (8 page)

~*~

If you weren't so freaking awesome I would ask you to consider a position as my
arch-nemesis. This is prestigious because I have never considered anyone for
the role before, only for regular nemesis. As it is it would make me sad to
have you as my enemy, so perhaps it's finally (at long last) time to consider a
partner.
As for my plan to take over the world, please wait
until the uproarious laughter fades. Ah-hem. I don't want it. You would, in
fact, have to bribe me with something significant to accept the role of
dictator of the world. I do, however, have a evil-nerd-laugh that puts fear
into the loins of natural alpha males and an evil stare that causes sane people
to check for emergency exits.
I think you look smashing in your dresses and would
love to spend some time exploring this city with you and seeing if we can press
some minions into your world domination plans. (I can be supportive even if I
don't share the goal.)

~*~

With the advent of computers, an opposable thumb is no longer a necessity for
writing. I must rely upon my other skills to stand out among horned beasts.
Perhaps I meant to say hairy beasts. Hot blooded, hairy, or horny; I suppose it
doesn't matter because I am all of the above!
Tell me about these narrow air ducts. Are they
necessary to keep out your enemies? Vermin (cats)? Something more sinister? I
suspect these air ducts are meant to keep you in rather than keep something
out. Are you living in a supervised facility under the watch of doctors or
armed guards?
I suppose that's all I have for now. I must sleep
now. It's important to get plenty of rest before a busy day of world conquest.

~*~

You had me at xkcd
I've been on OkCupid for months, but you're the first person that I'd be
genuinely disappointed not to meet.
So, perhaps I'm a mammal you'd be interested in meeting. I smell good, write
well, have facial hair, chest hair, and have a fondness for good witbiers and
hefeweizens. (And, of course, Guinness.)
I'm always up for a run at world domination, so long as it doesn't threaten the
beer supply.
Oh, and suggested Webcomics? Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, Something
Positive, and Sinfest are at the top of my list.

~*~

Greetings, and welcome to St. Louis!
On behalf of the Mad Scientist’s local 42, I would like to take this
opportunity to welcome you to your new launching pad for world conquest. St.
Louis has some very unique features that make it attractive to your fellow
aspiring criminal masterminds:
Reasonable real estate prices, so you can allocate more of your budget to
minions, research, and development instead of your secret redoubt.
Enormous systems of caverns deep underground that have never been fully
explored nor mapped, for those evil geniuses that prefer an underground warren
with plenty of places to ambush those annoying do-gooders
A large mechanically proficient labor force that is presently not working in
such capacity – these former autoworkers will happily sign on for a reasonable
salary and benefits, and bring skilled craftsmanship to your construction
projects, be they giant robots, evil lair fortifications, etc.
There are also a few things about St. Louis that the mad scientist needs to
keep in mind:
No building, lair, doomsday device, etc built after 1965 may be taller than the
Gateway Arch, which stands 630 feet tall
By unanimous consent of local 42 members, no plan for world domination shall
include the utilization, destruction, or removal of the Arch, as the structure
is actually a parabolic antenna used to provide free satellite TV to the union
hall
“St. Louis” is broken up into components – St. Louis City proper, and St. Louis
County. There are dozens of different municipalities in St. Louis County. Such
a governmental structure ensures that the government does not get in the way of
our plans. Any attempt to unite the City and County governments will be looked
upon by the Union with disfavor.
In specific response to your posting:
Obviously the inflatable bouncy castle is a temporary fortress, designed to
keep away prying eyes. Like any good evil genius, you have carefully omitted a
few things from your list of materials – namely, alcohol and structural timber.
Your cunning plan is to build a catapult or a trebuchet and fling jello shots
across the greater metro area with it. The local has provisionally approved
this plan pending your paperwork being filled out – were you already a member of
a local in Chicago or Louisville? If so, let me know, as the transfer form is
much less time consuming. Union dues are reasonable – bringing a bottle of wine
to meetings, in order to share it over board games.
It appears that we have compatible aims and methods, and would delight in
sharing some of St. Louis’ secrets with a fellow criminal mastermind.

~*~

Been to the City Museum yet? I'd consider that one of the best reasons for
staying in St. Louis. Might even give you some good ideas for redecorating/expanding
you lair.
Have you heard the good news? A new Discworld novel is coming out soon!
I'd go for genetically engineered leafcutter ants over army ants. That way you
can train 'em to grow a mind-control fungus.

~*~

I'm so glad you're excited to be here. We're excited you're here, too! When the
city falls to your might, I want you to remember I was the first one to welcome
our future master.
I would love to get to meet you, and talk about what
kind of activities you're interested in outside world conquest. I'd invite you
to get some Indian food, but that might be seen as an attempt to curry favor.
:P
If you're interested in pub trivia, that's something
we have a lot of. (Pardon me: that's something of which we have a lot.) Right
now, I'm doing it once or twice a week, including this one.
Also, game nights are a big activity for me. Settlers
of Catan is usually just the warm-up.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning more about
you. Where are you from originally? From where did you get your degrees?
Let me know if you'd like to meet over an amusing
meal. I'm happy to oblige. And feel free to ask me anything that piques your
interest from my profile. Or anything you might imagine to be the case. I
imagine that you have a vivid imagination.
Have fun. Take care! Talk to you soon, I hope.

The Criminal Mastermind ad wasn't my only attempt at mixing things up while
keeping it geeky. Reading through chapters like WWJD...With His Cock could give
you an unfortunately biased view of the dating pool. Therefore, I once more
want to share some absolutely excellent examples of first contact emails.
These guys can write, are interesting, and clearly paid attention to my
profile. I was utterly delighted to hear from every single one of them. After
some email correspondence, few of these awesome messages resulted in actual
dates due to heavy smoking, too much of an age difference, conflicting
ideological views, them being married, or a lack of similar interests outside zombies.
This surprised me. I had a lot better luck with the Evil Overlord challenge.
You're welcome to contemplate why overlords seeking a nemesis were better at
dating than zombie lovers.
However, I want to make it clear to the world that even if you list very
specific requirements, there are people out there who really can fulfill them.
I only had this version of my profile up for a few days. Imagine if I'd left it
that way for a few months. I might still be slogging through undead hordes. Be
bold. Be daring. Be funny. If you really put yourself out there, the worst that
can happen is you'll get a couple random dick pics. You were going to get those
anyway, so go ahead and take a chance.
Here's what I got when I challenged random strangers to send me a well written
explanation of how they'd survive a zombie apocalypse.

~*~

You had me at Zombie Apocalypse
Ok, terrible way to start off introducing yourself to
a woman, but damnit I'm doing it. So I have a friend that is aware of my love
for all things Zombie who bought me the Zombie Survival Handbook, must have. Also,
in the last apartment that I lived in with this friend and her boyfriend, we
had several conversations on "What if scenarios" to deal with Zombie
Infestations, that got as detailed as getting in the truck and driving down the
ilses (I'm sure I screwed up the spelling on that royally) of the local Kroger
"shopping" for supplies.
Ok, sorry about the geek out there, but I hope it was
enjoyed. The truly sad thing is, while the last apartment I lived in could have
been a fortress. My current one is a death trap with lots of nice big windows
on the first floor.
I appreciate the desire for people that can actually
talk, or I guess in this case type. I know that people have become so, over
saturated?, with texting that its spilled into every form of conversation. Although
I still chuckle from time to time when my friend randomly says to do I D K my B
F F Jill
So, I'm sure that's enough to scare off any truly
sane woman, and if you have read this far you must be interested to some
extent. So why don't you tell me about yourself? You were fairly vague outside
of the fact that you aren't afraid of interesting cuisine.
I hope to hear from you soon, and hope this finds you
well.

~*~

Hi!
I saw your profile and had to compliment it. It's
ironic that you should mention surviving "the zombie apocalypse",
because it often seems as if most of the postings are written by brain-dead
automatons recently resurrected by a voodoo priestess. I generally scan for
their entertainment value and unintentional insights their authors provide of
themselves. Often the ads there are better than even the satires found on the
Onion.
But as I said, your post was exceptional.
Exceptionally intelligent and intriguing.
Handy thing to remember during the Zombie Apocalypse:
insect repellent. I'm not sure if the "plague" can be spread through
mosquitoes, but if other blood-borne pathogens like malaria can be, then can
the zombie-flu be far behind?
I’m very interested in finding out more about you.
Favorite books, films, experiences, perspectives…..
Before making any presumptions however, here are some
things about myself. I’m not sure if I can really present an unbiased view of
myself, but I’ll try to keep the self-promotional rhetoric to a minimum. And
you're right, it's impossible to sum up a person in a short literary brief. I
suspect even a text-version of the Human Gnome Project would be inadequate to
the task of really describing what a person is.
* Go from 0 to brainy in 3.5 seconds or faster,
covering topics ranging from Shakespeare to pop-culture metaphors to
alternative music.
* Drug Free (unless coffee and clove cigarettes
count)
* I write: I have some plays and screenplays to my
credit.
* Artistic to a fault
* Agnostic but open minded, political but cynical of
both parties.
* No tattoos, one piercing.
* Deeply dark humor and sense of irony
* Alternative interests in art, entertainment, and
life
* Passionate about art and literature and film
* Prefer plays, bookstores, hosting movie nights and
parties, and exploring antique malls.
* I love exploring films, books, and culture... and
having someone to share it with, explore experiences and stories with while
wandering odd places, and late-night coffee-driven discussions on pop-culture,
meanings, and film and literary metaphors.
Now the bad:
* I’m 47, which may be outside your desired
demographic.
* So far as I know, I’m not in line to receive any
royal titles, kingships or English castles.
I hope you’re as intrigued by my reply as I am by
your post. If you are, then I encourage you to reply with any questions you may
have, topics you may wish to explore, or even random esoteric questions or
stream-of-conscious pop-quiz.
If you decline to respond, then at least be
complimented on the refreshing uniqueness of your posting.

~*~

Ok let me see if I understand this correctly.
You have an online dating ad, and you want the
replier to have a basic understanding of the english language, be able to throw
rocks thru the windows of local restaurant's, be charming and witty? What else?
do you want this person to walk upright, and not carry a club? Good luck! Ok ok
I'll walk upright but I'm not putting my club away, I need it to protect myself
from the zombies.
Now a bit about myself. I'm a 38 year old w/m. some
of my interest are snowboarding, reading, actually reading is more of an
obsession, and sailing, just to name a few. So far as surviving the zombie
apocalypse thats a tough one. I would have to say I'd split the time between
sailing the ocean and snowboarding in the mountains. Snowboarding in the
mountains is obviously the safer choice, because everybody knows that zombies
don't like the cold.
Now a quick question for you Miss good girl full of
bad intentions. Do you see yourself as a sheep in wolf's clothing or a wolf in
sheep's clothing?

~*~

First off, kudos for managing to espouse the value of both proper punctuation
and spelling (I personally would add overall grammar and syntax) but that's
just me...and also including a zombie reference.
I too have more education than perhaps I need but
doesn't that make both of us infinitely more suited to survive the zombie
apocalypse? More on that later...
I do concur that punctuation and spelling are indeed
sexy; though, I feel that the source of the sexiness is the knowledge that the
subject gives a shit enough about grammatical rules and usage to try a little
harder than the rank and file simpleton. Since I'm on the sexiness
subject...dare I suggest that a woman who can deftly plow through the New York
Times crossword puzzle is a serious turn on to me. Sure, it's dorky but again;
it speaks to a certainly intellectual eloquence that moves me...
Enough to my rambling here...I'll offer my top 10
tips to surviving the zombie apocalypse:
1. Positive thinking. I don't necessarily assume that
the mindless zombies with their limited physical skills are capable of pulling
off an apocalypse. For clarification, are you assuming that the zombies would
be the fast-moving type zombies from 28 days later or perhaps the slower, more
lumbering zombies from Zombieland?
2. To borrow a quote from
Zombieland..."Cardio"...I certainly would like to think that my above
average level of fitness will serve me well during the undead apocalypse.
3. To shamelessly steal another line from a movie
(perhaps you can tell I'm a movie afficionado)..."Guns, lot's of
guns..." Thanks Neo for that one...and props to Trinity for helping him
acquire those guns
4. A fuel efficient vehicle. I can only assume that a
post-apocalyptic world will suffer from fuel shortages and the availability of
gas would be limited...therefore, I'd need reliable, fuel-efficient
transportation. I'd probably have a fleet of Priuses along with some
motorcycles and a plentiful supply of boats.
5. Access to an awesome island. We both know that
zombies can neither plan nor swim; therefore, getting to a deserted island with
a lot of food may be a good survival option. My preference would be to end up
on the fictional island from Lost because it's winter and I could use some
color...I'd hate to look pasty compared to the flesh-eating zombies.
6. Facebook access. I'd like to be able to mobilize
friends and resources via Facebook to help deal with the complexities and
uncertainties of the zombie apocalypse. I don't think zombies can type so I
wouldn't worry that a resourceful zombie would try and friend request me in
order to learn of my secret plans.
7. A large collection of books and dvd's. Mental
acuity will be critical to survival and I need a diverse amount of material to
keep my mind sharp, my spirit exuberant and my wits about me...
8. Pop tarts and Spaghetti O's...they're portable,
tasty and won't spoil. I also could use the sharp lid of the Spaghetti O's can
to help slice a zombie...
9. A quality chainsaw...good in tight quarters and
can quickly slice off those pesky zombie heads
10. A lot of Purell. There is nothing more unsettling
than the stink, stench and disease-ridden qualities of zombie gore. I imagine
that I'd be cleansing my hands often.
I hope my answers advance me to the lightening round
of your game where the prize values are greater and the cash bonuses
enormous...
As for my hobbies...writing, cycling, movies,
politics, and the nurturing of an ongoing level of curiosity of everything from
physics to science and much in between....

~*~

While perusing posts I came across yours and it caught my eye and while I can't
speak for the Zombie Apocalypse, I can speak for Zombieland and that it was a
ridiculously funny movie.
As for me I am an educated, articulate, engaging, affable, outgoing (ok enough
words that start with vowels), fun, funny, goofy, witty, charming, gregarious
and sometimes silly man and hopefully inside your age range....where's my
walker when I need it...lol.
For fun I enjoy nice dinners (either in or out), movies (also in or out), bike
rides (only outside on this on), coffee shops, bookstores, travel (especially
Vegas and beaches), reading, sports and hanging with friends and family of
course.
I am an old fashioned romantic who loves holding hands, holding doors, buying
flowers or chocolates just because, hugging, snuggling, cuddling and those
long, deep, slow kisses that Kevin Costner spoke of in a movie once (do you
know the one).
If you are intrigued like I was, then send me a note. If not, I will wish you
well on your search although I am sure you will find someone deserving of all
you have to offer.
Regards

~*~

You look quite awesome as a Zombie! Lol. Actually, you look great all around.
Like your profile. You are special, your enthusiasm for life is apparent.
I don't have any ambitions of ruling the world I only
want to see it. The more I see of it the more I understand about it and take
pleasure in its beauty.
I am a Corporate pilot but I have always enjoyed bars
where friends can gather and feel safe and just have a good time. Down here in
the big O I hate going to bars because I have to wash my clothes after because
of the smoke so I think a smoke free bar would be great. Just think of all the
people who would enjoy a bar that is smoke free. Runners, asthmatics, health
nuts, people who find smoke disgusting, men/women who want to stop in for a
drink after work without the spouse knowing. haha! What do you think? If you
ever, I mean ever want to consider me I will be available, for you! lol! And if
you smoke on occasion I am not down on smoke because the occasional cig or
cigar, smoke of me pipe is quite pleasurable but noone smokes in my pikup or
home. I just step outside for that! I just wash my clothes after. lol!
I probably wrote too much for the first time to you.
Sorry. See ya!

~*~

First let me applaud you that someone out there still values good grammar. I
sometimes think it's my little "OCD" kicking in when I get
disappointed that the English language is butchered to the point I wish people
would just start using pictures. I almost get a headache when my boss tells me
I should "dumb down" my emails!
I tend to read through personal posts for some unknown reason and every now and
then I come across one that catches my eye and I just have to respond to.
Although your comment about grammar made me smile, it was the Zombie Apocalypse
that drew me to respond. I myself am a huge movie fan and Zombies being one of
my favorite plot base.
Anywho, this is where you get angry and throw a roll of the eyes. I am not
expecting a relationship much less you to even respond to this. Unfortunately,
I am stuck in a dead marriage which if I didn't have two beautiful daughters I
would've packed up when I discovered her affair. Albeit, I always crave to have
some kind of intellectual or any kind connection with someone that I lost a
long time ago hence maybe the reason I'm looking at profiles at two in the
morning. Well since I'm sure you stopped reading after that, I will quit with
the typing. Besides, who will really survive the Zombie Apocalypse anyway?