I Don't Want to Lose You (36 page)

             
He grabbed some tissues and gave a couple to me and we both wiped out faces.  I reached out for his hand and he took it and kissed it and said in Spanish, “No quiero que te deje,” meaning “I don't want to leave you.”

             
I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing so that I could let him finish because I wanted this conversation to be over with.  Here he was doing what he thought was best for his family while inside my heart was breaking.  When I opened my eyes, he knew that I was somewhat composed enough for him to continue. 

             
He cleared his throat.  “I need you to do something for me if it becomes necessary.  I really don't want my last breath to be in a hospital.  I'd rather be at home.”

             
“Theo, I hope in your saying that that you are not saying that you will allow yourself to be in pain just so that you don't have to be in the hospital.”  He didn't say anything.  “Theo, I don't want you to do that to yourself.”

             
“It's my life and it's going to end and I would rather it be on my terms no matter what.”

             
I just stared at him.

             
“If I am in the hospital and you are told anything like I’m in a coma or something,” he said, “do me a favor and don't let me suffer.  Just pull the plug.”

             
“What?  I don't think that should be my decision to make.  Your parents would blame me for the rest of their lives.”

             
“This isn't your decision. It's mine and I have a letter in here that says it clearly.  I don't trust my mother to do what I would want.  But you're my woman of action and I know you'll make it happen.  You’re my next of kin as my wife and so they will look to you.  I'm going to discuss this with my doctor the next time I go to see him to complete any legal documents that may be needed to have you make the decision.  I don't know if my mother would ever let me go like that.  Until then, I want you to know what I want.”

             
I bit my bottom lip and nodded.

             
He took a deep breath and continued, “I don't know if you can tell or not, but Manny loves you a lot.  I think he'll listen to you. If you can keep an eye on him for me, I would appreciate it.  If he at any point seems to be going in a direction that you think that I would be upset with him about,” he pulled an envelope out of one of the manila envelopes, “give him this letter.”  He squeezed my hand and said, “As for you, you're right, I don't have anything materially but if there is anything in here you want when I'm gone, you take it.  It's yours.  As far as I’m concerned, it already belongs to you.”  He held up his handwritten paper.  “It's in the will.”

             
I shook my head and pouted.  “I just want you.  I don't want you to leave me.”  I started to cry again.  I got myself to calm down by imagining just how ugly my 'ugly cry' was looking.  I wiped my cheeks and said, “Where are you putting all of this so I'll know where to find it?”

             
“It'll be in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.”

             
I sniffed.  “Okay.  So it's your will.  So it will be.”

             
“There's one more thing I have to say that I didn't write down.  If you ever remarry-”

             
I interrupted, “Stop.  I don't want to talk about that right now.”

             
“I understand but I have to say this,” he said forcefully.  “If you ever remarry, don't settle or accept what's being offered because that's what’s being offered.  You deserve the best and I hate,” he cleared his throat, “that I couldn't give you everything I always wanted to give to you.  I want you to find someone who will make you as happy as you have made me that will treat you right and love you and our child.”

             
I put my head on his shoulder.  I wasn't ready to respond to that.

             
“Will you promise me that you will do that for yourself?” he asked.

             
I quietly said, “I promise.”

             
He gathered everything and placed it on his lap.  He put his arm around me and let me keep my head on his shoulder.

             
“Are you all right?” I finally asked him.

             
His chest went up and down.  “That was the second hardest thing I ever had to say.”

             
We sat there in silence for a while as I tried to digest everything he had let be made known, and he watched me.  I didn't want to cry anymore since it wouldn't change anything.  Arguing would make him feel like he didn't have my support and that one of the things that he loved about me, my ability to make things happen, was a farce at a time it was needed most. 

             
He caressed my cheek.  “I love your face,” he said.

             
With a confused look on my face I said, “That's nice to hear since you married me and you have to look at it.”

             
He smiled.  “One thing I have always loved about your face is that I can hear you just by looking at you.  You don't hide your feelings very well because they're written all over your face.  The last time I checked, you had twenty six different looks.”  One of my eyebrows went up.  “That's your 'are you for real?' look,” he said, which was exactly what I was thinking.  “I think you probably have a hundred and one.”  I smiled with my lips closed.  “That's your 'aww, you do love me' smile.  Am I wrong?”  My lips were tightly closed with attitude all over my face.  “That's your 'you already know so why are you asking me?' look.”

             
“Okay, Mr. Know-it-all.  What's this one?”  I crossed my eyes and flipped my lips with my tongue on top of the top lip to lighten the mood.

             
“Eww.  I've never seen that one before,” he said laughing.  “What is that one?”

             
I chuckled and said, “It's my 'don't you want to kiss me?' look.”

             
“No, I don't want to kiss that one, but I'll kiss this one.”  He gave me the sweetest kiss, perhaps due to seeing from my face how much I needed it after feeling so deflated from the conversation.  He put everything in his lap on his nightstand, reached over and grabbed the book and then continued reading where I left off.  He wasn't able to read too long before it required too much effort from him.

CHAPTER FORTY SIX

              It was an unusually cool day for the Saturday of the Memorial Day weekend with rain touching down off and on.  That evening we decided to go to my parents' home for dinner since my mother made soup and I was in the mood for comfort food. 

             
We were in the middle of playing Scrabble after dinner when my father stopped and said to Theo, “You don't look so good.”

             
I stopped and looked up at Theo.  “Are you feeling all right?”

             
“I'll be fine,” he answered slowly.

             
“That's not what I asked you.  I asked if you were feeling all right.”             

             
“I'm fine,” he answered.

             
My dad got up and came back with his paramedic first aid kit.  He took out his stethoscope and listened to his chest.  From the look on my dad's face, I could tell he wasn't fine.  He took his blood pressure and shook his head.  “You need to get to the hospital,” he assessed.

             
“No, no, I'm okay, really.  Let's keep playing,” Theo said.  He put down a word.

             
“Do you think he would be okay if I drove him or should we call 9-1-1?” I asked my dad.

             
“I think he needs to get to the hospital soon,” my dad answered.

             
I nodded. The hospital wasn’t too far away and I could probably be halfway there before the ambulance could arrive and get him loaded up. “Come on, Theo. Let's go,” I said as I got up. 

             
“I'm fine,” he said.  “I want to finish the game.  My last word gave me nineteen points, so write that down.  It's your turn.”             

             
“Are you serious?” I asked with my hand on my hip.

             
“Yes, it's your turn.  Sit down,” he said calmly.

             
I flipped the game over and tiles went everywhere.  I faced my dad.  “Sorry Dad.”  He shook his head to let me know that I didn’t need to apologize and that he was okay with it because he knew I had to do what I had to do.  I turned back to Theo.  “There's my turn.  Let's go.”  I gave him his cane.

             
My mother rushed in after hearing the game pieces fall.  I turned to her and said, “Thank you for dinner and sorry about the mess, but we need to leave and get him to the hospital.”

             
Theo got up and thanked my parents for dinner and then we got into the car to head to the hospital. 

             
“I'm a grown man and I don't appreciate you treating me like a kid,” he said.

             
“The treatment you receive corresponds with the behavior being shown,” I said sternly.  “If you act like a child, you will be treated like one, but I really do wish you would act like a grown man.”

             
“I don't want to go to the hospital.  I'd rather go home.”

             
“I have grown up listening to my father tell stories of things he had experienced in his line of work, so if after looking you over he said you need to go to the doctor, we're going.  I'm not going to sit by and let something happen to you.  Not on my watch.”

             
I drove in silence until he chuckled.  “It's a double edged sword,” he said under his breath.

             
“What?  What are you talking about?” I asked, almost sounding annoyed.

             
“I love that you're my woman of action, but only when it's an action I approve of.  I don't approve of this.”

             
“So has my approval rating gone down?  Am I still higher than President Clinton's rating?”

             
“Yeah, it's gone down.  You're at ninety one percent.”

             
I looked over at him briefly and said, “I can live with that.”

             
We made it to the hospital and I was trying to get him to be seen immediately.  That's when he fell forward out of his chair to the floor.

             
It felt like everything was happening so quickly.  Too quickly.  It was as if every blink that I made with my eyes, there was something new happening and I could not keep up no matter how hard I tried.  It was happening so fast that it all resembled a big blur of colors, sounds and motions that didn't make sense to an already clouded brain.

             
Doctors and nurses who were nearby ran over quickly to Theo and started checking him out.  A barrage of questions flew my way about his history and I think I answered them correctly.  I don't remember what came out of their mouths or mine.  They placed him on a gurney and they were out of my sight with my heart in their hands.