I Don't Want to Lose You (37 page)

             
Blink.

             
I saw his parents rushing over to me and questioning me about what was going on.  I had to tell them that I didn't know and what I could recall happening.  I was in a nervous daze.

             
Blink.

             
A man in a white coat stood in front of us and words came out of his mouth.  I had to close my eyes to make myself concentrate on what he was saying because I was distracted by Mrs. Cabrera bursting into tears and covering her mouth.  I understood that they got the fluid that had built up and I kind of got that his heart was failing and that one lung was ready to collapse.  I had a hard time making a connection with phrases like “heart failure” and “possible kidney failure.”  All it told me what that my husband's body might be trying to shut down.

             
Blink.

             
There were accusatory words thrown at me asking how I could let him get this sick from his mother.  I remember thinking that he didn't want to die in a hospital and he would have tried to hide the pain as much as he could to not be there.  I might have said it.  I don't remember.

             
Blink.

             
I opened my eyes after dosing off for what I thought was a few minutes but was much longer because of the numbness of my bottom.  It wasn’t until later that I realized it was almost morning.  I was being shaken by a nurse and she was saying something.

             
“Mrs. Cabrera,” she said. “Your husband is awake and would like to see you.  He's in the ICU.  I can take you up.” 

             
I followed her but I stopped before I got to the doorway.

             
“He's quite weak, so don't make him speak too much,” she said and then walked away.

             
I stood there for a minute to try to compose myself.  As I was in my head trying to focus on my thoughts, I felt a slight kick in my gut.  I wasn't sure if it was the baby just moving around or trying to tell me to knock it off and get in there.

             
I peeked in there and saw him.  I quickly moved my head back and sobbed.  There were more machines and tubes than the last time and he had on an oxygen mask.  I took a deep breath, cleaned my face and walked in.

             
He was laying there with his eyes closed and didn't open them until he felt my lips on his forehead.  I held his hand gently.

             
I could barely hear him when he said, “I'm sorry.”

             
I bit my lip and shook my head. I put my finger over my mouth to tell him to be quiet.  I felt more movement in my stomach and quickly moved his hand over it.

             
“Did you feel that?” I asked him.

             
He shook his head.             

             
“Something is happening in there.  Keep your hand there.”  After I thought about it for a moment, it seemed the baby was agitated once I got up from my chair and started moving.  I moved his hand and tried to bend and touch my toes a couple of times.  I got his hand again and kissed it, like he would do mine, before placing it back on my stomach.

             
“I love you, Monica,” he said.

             
“I love you, too.  Silencio ahorra,” I said telling him to be quiet now.

             
Just as I felt a movement again, his eyes widened and he jerked a little.

             
I smiled and asked, “Did you feel it?”

             
He smiled and nodded.  He kept his hand there for a while until it obvious the baby wasn't going to perform anymore. 

             
“I haven't asked how you're feeling because you aren't going to tell me the truth. But what can I expect from a politician?”  That made him smile again.  “I'm going to go home and get your book.”

             
He shook his head.  “Stay,” he said.

             
“I'll be back.  I need to get something to eat and that will give you time with your parents.  I'll be back, I promise.  You just make sure you don't leave.”  He shook his head and rolled his eyes at my attempt to be funny.  “Too soon?”  I kissed his cheek.  “I love you so much.”

             
He moved the oxygen mask down to his neck and kissed my hand.  “Mi corazon.”

             
I gently kissed his lips before putting the mask back on him and I left.

             
When I came back to the hospital after gathering some things and contacting Ralph, I had to sit for a while in the waiting room because his parents didn't want to leave although I had been gone for a couple of hours.  He was allowed a maximum of two visitors at a time.  Finally, his father came out and said that I could go in.  His mother was sitting next to him, holding his hand while he was sleeping.  I put up a couple of pictures from his bedroom on a table next to him and his book.  I sat on the other side of him and put my hand on top of his, which made him wake up.  He spread his fingers open so that mine could fall between his, then he fell back to sleep.  I leaned back in my chair, found a comfortable position that wouldn't make me have to move my hand and fell asleep. 

             
After that, it didn't take long for the hospital staff to realize that I wasn't budging from his room.  They brought a recliner in for me to be able to sit in.  We slowly began to have our own ritual, he and I.  I went to my parents' home to sleep because it was too difficult for me to be in his room and in his bed without him.  But I had my teddy bear Theo to remind me of him.  I would try to eat enough to hold me as long as possible to avoid leaving the room once visiting hours started.  If he wasn't awake, I went to sleep until we were both up at the same time.  I helped him quickly brush his teeth and clean his face and then we shared a short kiss before I would put the mask back on him. Every couple of days I would give him a sponge bath, which I would accompany with a body rub with lotion.  I kept telling him I knew he was enjoying all of this pampering just a tad too much.   We did bed exercises three times a day for five to seven minutes.  The rest of the time was filled with me reading to him, having visitors or watching some court shows on the television.  My family, including a few of my cousins, had come by to see him too. 

             
I had adjusted to this new routine and it was my new normal.  We both agreed that I should go home at night to sleep since his parents were switching back and forth between the two of them staying with him at night.  The rest allowed me to be able to pay attention to what the nurses and doctors said and actually comprehend it to be able to ask questions. Six or seven days in they started to talk of hospice care.   It's funny how things can change.

             
The next day I entered his ICU room and things seemed like they changed a bit, but I wasn't able to determine what it was because both of his parents were in there, which wasn't expected.

             
“Good morning,” I said to them.  “I didn't expect to see you both here or I would have stayed in the waiting room.”

             
They just looked at me and didn't say anything.  I walked over to him and kissed him on his forehead, which normally woke him up, but he didn't budge.  I looked at his father.  “Did something happen to him?” I asked.

             
“He went into a coma last night after having a stroke,” he answered.

             
“What?  Why didn't you call to tell me?” I asked.

             
He didn't answer, just glared at his wife who wouldn't look at me.

             
The doctor walked in and I asked him if I could speak to him outside.  It all became a blur to listen to him tell me what happened and what his present state was. 

             
“I can't comprehend much right now because this is too much for me right now.”  I sighed.  “Just tell me this, doctor.  Are the machines keeping him alive?”

             
“Yes,” he answered.

             
“If the machines were turned off, how soon would he die?” 

             
“Within minutes most likely.  There's hardly anything that he can do on his own and nothing else that we can do for him.”

             
“How long is he expected to survive as he is?” 

             
“His heart is barely hanging on and his second lung is ready to collapse at any moment.  His other organs are showing that they are shutting down and that stroke last night made him worse, so he won’t have long  no matter what.”

      “
So who has this decision to make about what to do?”               

             
And the answer that I did and didn't want to hear.  “You.”

             
“Can he hear?” I asked.

             
“He hasn't responded to anything said to him so far, so it can't be said for sure if he can or not.  It's still good to talk to him anyway.  I'm going to go check on him and if you have any other questions, you can ask me when I'm done.”

             
I nodded and stood there trying to let the information marinate in my head.  The doctor came out.

             
“I told them one of them needs to leave so that you can be his second visitor in there.  Do you have any questions?”

             
“No, but thank you,” I answered with quiet sincerity. 

             
I waited and his father came out of the room.  “You can have your seat back.  I'm sorry we didn't call you.  It was the middle of the night and everything happened so fast.  I can't believe its morning already.”

             
“I understand,” I said, although I really didn't.  I was his wife and they knew where I was.  I managed to get past the offensive action and went into the room.

             
I decided not to pay any attention to his mother and try to proceed with what I would normally do if he were awake.  I skipped brushing his teeth, but I cleaned his face.  I didn't want to hear his mother blame me for anything, so I left the mask on him and kissed both of his cheeks.

             
I sat in the recliner, held his hand and began to read his book to him.  His mother fell asleep and, when she woke up, went to get herself something to eat.  When she came back, I was in the middle of doing his exercises.  She sat down pretending to read a magazine but was secretly watching me.  When I was done with his exercises, I gave him his body rub and then continued reading. 

             
She finally said something.  “Why do you keep reading that book to him?  You two have been reading it for months.”

             
“He wanted to read it, not me.  I'm just helping him to get through it.”

             
“He can't hear you, so why keep reading?” she asked.

             
“The doctor said it can't be said for sure that he can't hear so I'm going to keep doing it,” I answered.

             
When it seemed like she didn't have anything else to say, I went back to reading.  At lunch time, I got up and headed to a pay phone to call Ralph.  He hadn't been informed about Theo's status.  I told him that I felt like I was losing my voice and that I needed help reading to him and recounted the conversation with his mother for him to understand my request.  I had finished eating lunch in the cafeteria and was back in the room doing his exercises when Ralph walked in. He went over to Mrs. Cabrera and gave her a hug and then came over to me and did the same.