I Don't Want to Lose You (41 page)

             
To me, the rest of those videos were meant for his son, who never had him in his life or the chance to know him.  Just as Theo would have man to man talks with his father without disclosing the details to me, so those would be for William.  Those videos, letters and his journal gave William the opportunity to get a glimpse of who his father was and it gave Theo an opportunity to be a father even though he wasn’t there to see him grow up.  I still had two more videos for him to view once he turned fifteen and eighteen, hoping that somewhere in those videos he discussed some stuff that William probably wouldn’t want to discuss with his mother.  When he has his moments, he'll watch the videos repeatedly and he's even fallen asleep to the sound of Theo's voice. It hasn't surprised me that he's picked up on how Theo would speak and a couple of his mannerisms.  

             
I did keep my promise in regards to Manny.  Manny has been a good uncle and friend to William over the years.  Since they're not too far apart in age, when I would take them places they were often mistaken as brothers instead of uncle and nephew.  There was never a moment where he had gotten out of hand for me to have to talk to him to assist his parents in putting him on the straight and narrow.  The things Theo had for him, I gave to him as requested.  There were times when Manny would want to talk to me about his brother, sometimes in private and other times with William there.  I lent him the journal a couple of times to read to let him feel closer to his brother and he was highly appreciative since he was almost seven when Theo passed away.               

             
After I got married to Brandon, I backed off a little in my association with the Cabreras.  I tended to drop William off and made sure he made it safely into his grandparents' home.  I didn't even have to do that when it was a weekend that I would let him spend at my parents' house, normally to go fishing with my father.  He would walk the few blocks over to go see his father's side.  It's also the same way when he has his guitar lessons with Ralph. I go to visit my parents and play Scrabble during his lessons and he'll call me to let me know when he’s ready.

             
As if reading my mind, Ralph says, “You know, it would be nice to see you outside of your car and talk to you instead of you always doing the dropping off and picking up wave that you do.”

             
“I know, Ralph, and I'm sorry.  You've been a good friend over the years.”

             
“Veronica and I would love to have you all over for dinner one day, including Brandon.  I don't even know who’s taken my friend's place in your lives. I only know what William tells me.  Brandon sounds like a nice guy.”

             
A thought that never crossed my mind before had occurred to me.  “I think that's why I haven't really brought him around you all.  He's not Theo and I wouldn't want him to be compared to him because he's not him, you know?”

             
He nodded.  “No one's ever going to be Teodoro, not even his son.  I understand why you may have reservations about bringing him around the Cabreras, but I'm not them.”

             
“No, you're not, but you were Theo's best friend and you were there through that whole thing.   I know how highly you thought of him and I don't want Brandon to be judged because of who he isn't.”

             
“You don't have to worry.  I wouldn't expect Brandon to be Teodoro and, if he was, I'd think something was wrong with you.  You're not the same woman you were then and I wouldn't expect for you to want or need the same thing you had back then.”

             
I didn't have anything to say to his last comment.  It makes me think of how Theo used to tell me that he had wanted to take me away from whoever I was with at our ten year reunion. I had doubted it since he most likely wouldn't have been the same young man I had known years before and wouldn't want me anymore.  I would have lost him and I would have had to deal with him not wanting a girl like me anymore had he lived. 

             
I don't like thinking about what could have been had he not had cancer.  He would have stayed at Berkeley.  Someone else would have been his first girlfriend, his first kiss, his first wife, his first lover, the mother of his first child.  I don't know if I would have been able to handle that thought at a ten year reunion with the history we had prior to high school graduation.  He belonged to me and was meant for me to have, to hold, to love, to kiss, to treasure, to desire, to miss.  I would have been devastated to see him come with someone else and leaving with them.  In my heart I believe that everything happened as it was meant to have been.  He belonged to me and it was me who had his heart.  It was my name that was written on it.

             
I didn't go to the ten year reunion that had passed two years ago.  Theo wasn't going to be there and so there was no point for me to go.  All of those people went on with their lives and so had I and I had done just fine without the knowledge of what they were up to and how their lives turned out.  More than anything, I didn't want to have to hear his name from every other person or hear his name called when they listed those who had fallen asleep in death since our graduation.  It took me years to get to the point where I could talk about him without breaking down.  I didn't need to be an embarrassment to myself or his memory.             

             
While I was beyond in love with my husband, I still love Theo.  I matured since he died and I would like to think that I had made changes for the better.  Deep inside, way deep inside, there still exist that round-the-way girl beneath the slightly sophisticated woman, wife and mother that I have tried to turn into.  That girl still craved the attention and adoration of Theo. 

             
Sometimes I drive to the beach and sit on a bench to reminisce.  I missed seeing him get nervous or shy and swallowing so hard that his Adam's apple would fall down and come back up.  I missed the sound of his voice as he would read to me.  I missed entertaining him.  I missed playing with his fingers while watching a movie or lying around listening to music.  I missed his white, toothy smile.  I missed watching him sleep.  I missed the look of amazement on his face when I would surprise him.  I missed touching his face.  I missed how sexy he would look to me with his glasses on.  I missed how he could calm me down and set my mind at ease effortlessly.  I missed the words of endearment that would accompany a kiss on the hand.  I missed him.  The only thing I didn't miss was the constant worry of when I would lose him.  Even though I have changed, my love for him has never left. The one consolation that I have is that I still have a piece of him as long as I have William. 

             
It was now time for me to see and hear what Manny had begged me to come to his graduation for.  As the Class President, he’s announced to give the last speech and lead in the turning of the tassels.  We cheer as he walks onto the stage and shakes the hand of the presenter.  He says:

             
“My fellow graduates, today is the day that we and our families have been looking forward to since the very first day that we ever attended school.  It took a lot of effort to get us to this point and it was not a path that we took alone.  Along with our family, we had the help of great teachers, knowledgeable counselors and good friends. I'd like to thank my parents for always encouraging me to do my best and for doing their best to give me the tools to succeed.  Mom and Dad, I truly appreciate all that you have done to get me to this point in my life. 

             
“When I was almost seven years old, I lost my older brother to cancer.  That was the hardest thing in my life that I ever had to experience because he was my best friend and my role model.  Before he died, he and his wife showed me first hand the reality of Anna Quindlen's words.  Ms. Quindlen said, 'It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to exist instead of live.'  My brother had just graduated from the very place we are and was headed off to college when his life took a different turn.  Instead of wasting the rest of the few months he had left, he decided to live.  He got married to his high school love and together they did things that he had always wanted to do until the day he died instead of wasting the moments he had left.  I was fortunate enough to be apart of some of those times, which I will never forget. 

             
“I'm not telling you this to make you sad nor to garner your sympathy.  I'm telling you this as a reminder.  All of us have paths that we will be taking as soon as this day is over.  Some of us are heading off to college.  Some of us have plans to join the military.  Some of us are going out into the real world to work.  Whatever road that we're taking, remember the things that you have always wanted to do and try your best to make them happen.  I'm not talking about dreams of owning a house, having a well paying job or things of that are related to the American Dream.  I'm talking about the small dreams that sometimes get put on the back burner because our days, hours and minutes are being consumed by things that aren't allowing us to live.  Anna Quindlen also said, 'Don't ever confuse the two, your life and work.  The second is only part of the first.'

             
“I learned from my brother and his wife that it's the simple things that give you a life.  So in all of your pursuits, my fellow graduates, do them with honesty and integrity.  But don't forget to stop, sing and dance.  Don't forget to read that book you've always wanted to read, but never had time for.  Don't forget human interaction and not rely on the digital.  Don't forget to go to the places the kid inside of you has always wanted to go.  Don't forget to smile or laugh at something silly or be silly.  Don't forget to do things that you don't get to do often or at all.  Don't forget to take time to love and give of yourself willingly.   Most of all, don't forget to live.

             
“Now, my fellow graduates, it is time for our adult lives to begin and for us to start living.  Class of 2010, please stand and join me in turning our tassels.” 

             
Loud applause erupts as the sky becomes filled with green squares.  I am so proud of Manny and honored that he would think to mention me in his speech.  The band plays “Pomp and Circumstance” as the graduates are dismissed from the field. 

             
“My baby did a good job,” Mrs. Cabrera says as Mr. Cabrera tears up.

             
As everyone makes their comments about his speech and the graduation overall, all I can do is nod because I feel my eyes tearing up.  Between the speech and all of the memories that barraged my brain, it’s a little too much to handle at once.

             
“So it's over,” Ralph says.  “Are you okay?”             

             
I take a deep breath and look him in the eye as I wipe my face.  “I think I am and, if I'm not, I will be.”

             
He put his arm around me to gently shake me.  “We'll see you at the house, right?”

             
“Yeah.  I left my car at my parents' house because I didn't want to deal with the crazy parking over here.  I'm going to go pick it up and then I'll be there.”

             
“I'll come with you, Mom,” William says.

             
He moves from the row behind me and comes to sit next to me.  He knows that I’m not going to be leaving anytime soon.  I'd rather let the stands empty instead of dealing with the pushing and shoving and touching that can occur when a large group is heading to the same place.  Not to mention, I don't want to feel like I’m being rushed.

             
“That was a good speech that Manny gave, don't you think?” he asks me.

             
“It was,” I answer.  I had never thought he grasped that much about life from the short time that I lived in the Cabrera home.  Something told me, though, that those reminders may have come from the things that Theo had me give to Manny.

             
“I hope one day I'll be able to give a speech like that at my graduation,” he said.  “Do you think I could ever be Class President?”

             
I look at his face, seeing the reflection of the man I still deeply loved.  I smile, touch his cheek and say, “Of course you can.  You're the son of a politician.”  I let a heavy sigh out.  “Come on. Let's go.  We'll see everyone at the house.”

             
He takes my hand to make sure I that make it down the steps safely since my belly blocks some of my view and walks beside me all the way to my parents' house.