I Don't Want to Lose You (34 page)

             
I smiled.  “The body parts are still forming.  Right now it looks like an alien is growing in me but when it's time for it to come out it will look like a human baby.”

             
“That's good.  I don't want to be an uncle to an alien.”

             
“I don't want to be the mother of an alien either,” I said.

             
“My mom and dad think you two are crazy to have a baby since Teodoro is sick.”

             
I nodded.  “What do you think?”

             
He shrugged his shoulders.  “I don't know.  I thought babies made people happy.”

             
“You know, you're right.  Theo and I are happy.  My dad is really happy.  Sometimes it takes time for others to be just as happy also.”

             
“I'm happy,” he said brightly.

             
I smiled at him. “I'm glad.  I think you'll be a good uncle.”

             
The door opened and my sullen looking husband entered.  “Manny, what are you doing in here?” he asked.  “You should be in the bed.”

             
Manny answered, “We were just talking.  I'm going to be a good uncle.”

             
Theo forced a smile.  “I'm sure you will.  Go on and go to bed.”

             
“Good night, Manny,” I said and gave him a hug.

             
After he left the room, Theo sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. I crawled on the bed over to him and took off his hat and got behind him.  I started massaging his shoulders and he slowly began to loosen up.

             
“So, how was the debate?” I tried to ask lightly.

             
“It was a battle. I think it was a draw.”  He paused.  “This feels so good,” referring to the massage.

             
“Do you want to talk about it?”

             
He shook his head.  “It was a man to man talk and I need to let it stay there.”

             
I sent him to bathe and when he came back, after taking his medicine, I gave him a body rub.  Even though I had been tired, he had a rougher day than I had and deserved it.

CHAPTER FORTY FOUR

             
I woke up early the next morning with a feeling that had been recently unfamiliar.  Instead of feeling nauseous, I was ravenous.  I crept into the kitchen to take inventory and found everything that I wanted to make French toast topped with powdered sugar and fruit, eggs and bacon.  As usual, the smells coming from the kitchen started to wake everyone up.  I was getting the coffee started for his parents when his mother walked in.

             
“I can do that,” she said.  “You've done enough.”  I didn't know if that was supposed to have a double meaning or not.

             
I stepped away and went back to check on my French toast and said good morning, which didn't garner a response.

             
She stood there watching me and then finally said, “I thought you really had his best interest in mind.”

             
I turned around.  “I do.  What would make you think that I don't?”

             
“You know how ill he is and that he won't be around much longer to take care of the baby, if he even sees it at all.   Why are you giving him something else to worry about?  Don't you think that's cruel to him knowing that he won't be around to see his child?”

             
“I have hope that he will,” I said and then turned my attention back to the food.

             
“Hope doesn’t exist right now.  You do know you're going to be a single mother?”

             
I furrowed my eyebrows and turned to her and asked, “How could you say that?”

             
She looked at me with confusion on her face and then it was like a light went off.  “Maybe I've said too much.” 

             
As she walked out of the kitchen, Theo walked in using his cane.  He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder.  He kissed my cheek and said good morning.  I raised my shoulder to knock his head off of me.

             
He stepped back.  “What's wrong, babe?”

             
I grabbed the plates with the eggs and bacon.  “You should go sit down.”  I put the food on the table with the plates and utensils.  I went into the bedroom and quickly changed my clothes and put on shoes.  As I walked past the table towards the front door, Theo grabbed my wrist.

             
“Where are you going?” he asked with a confused expression.  “Aren't you going to eat?”

             
I moved my wrist hard enough to free myself.  “I lost my appetite.  I'm going for a walk.”

             
He put his fork down and began to get up.  “Wait, I'll go with you.”

             
“No” I quickly said.  “You go on and eat.  I’m sure you have things that you can talk about with me not around.”  As I was closing the door behind me, I could see him glaring at his mother.

             
I headed to the high school and slowly walked around the track.  I felt like I must look like an idiot to his mother.  It seemed as though there was something I didn't know that made the words that came out of my mouth to his mother appear stupid.  I went back over the conversation in my head.  She made it sound as though he was worse off than I was led to believe.  It occurred to me that he was now on new medication that made him more tired sometimes.  He also started using the cane, which he hadn't done since I'd been around.  The thought of him hiding something from me that I should know made me go to the bleachers to sit down and cry. 

             
When I was able to get control of my emotions, I walked to my parents' house.  My dad was sitting in a chair in the living room reading the paper.  We greeted each other.  I asked if my painting supplies were still in the garage and he confirmed that they were.  I went to my room and grabbed some CDs and headed to the garage.  I set up my easel and my canvas.  My art was hung around the garage.  I didn't feel like I was any good, I just liked being able to let out my frustrations and having it as an outlet.  My parents thought some were nice enough to be displayed and I agreed to let them be hung, but only in the garage. My dad had set up a special corner for me to have as my mini studio. 

             
I don't know how long I was in the garage.  Between painting and stopping to sing songs I liked or fit the mood that I was in, it felt like it had been almost three hours.  I had just finished singing PM Dawn’s “I’d Die Without You” when there was a knock on the door and I said come in, not knowing it would be Theo. He walked over to me with drinks and a bag of food that I recognized from a local dive a few blocks away.

             
“Your dad said that you hadn't eaten since you've been here and, since you didn't eat breakfast, I had figured you might be hungry.  He went and picked this up for us. Do you mind if I eat with you?”

             
I got up to get one of the folding chairs from the other side of the garage and sat it near my corner.  “Thank you for the food.  I am hungry,” I said quietly.

             
He handed me my food which I put down on a table next to me. He looked at what I had begun painting and then he looked around the room.  “Did you do all of this?” he asked and I confirmed with a nod.  “Goodness, woman,” he said under his breath, “what can't you do?”

             
“I can't tell the future,” I said and then took a bite of my hamburger.

             
And then the apple bobbled.

             
“I don't like looking like a fool, especially when it comes to my marriage,” I said. “I'm feeling like one.”   I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from getting emotional.

             
He put his burger down and reached for my hand.  I almost pulled back but I didn't. 

             
“Monica, there are some things that I'm just not ready to say to you.  I promise you I will but I don't have the courage yet.” 

             
A tear quickly fell down and I quickly wiped it.  I thought I knew what he needed to say.  I was unsure if I truly wanted to hear it.             

             
He kissed my hand and said, “I will, babe, but I'm not ready.”

             
Since it was the weekend, it was hard to pretend that I didn't know what I knew and have work be a distraction.  I felt too depressed to do anything because he was there, once again, hiding information from me.  He tried to get me to watch my favorite movie, but I wasn't interested.  He tried to get me into a couple of reruns of In Living Color on the tape I brought over.  While I watched, I couldn't find anything funny. He finally gave up on entertaining me at home.  By early Sunday evening, he dragged me to a movie that he had more interest in seeing than I did.  I had no interest in going and refused to drive, thinking that would make us stay put, but he decided to take the wheel even though he really shouldn’t have.

             
When we got into his truck after the movie was over, before he turned the key in the ignition, he turned to me and asked, “Are you refusing to talk to me?”

             
“I'm not refusing to do anything,” I answered.  “I just don't feel up to it.  I'm entitled.”

             
“So you're going to act like this? I thought you understood that I'm not ready to talk to you about this.”

             
“I can understand and still be hurt, Theo.  This is just a repeat of several months ago where everyone else knew what was going on with you except for me and you didn't want anyone to tell me.  And once again, you're doing what you can to not talk about it to me.  The difference from then and now is that then I was just a girl you liked.  Now, I'm your wife.” 

             
He put his head down.  I took a deep breath and said, “I'm sorry.”

             
For a change, it was him who wiped the tears from his eyes, which made my eyes well up.  He grabbed my hand and I could feel the wetness from his tears.  He kissed it and said, “You're right.”  He turned the key and started driving in silence, but we didn’t go home.  When the truck stopped, we were at a spot near Griffith Observatory that allowed us to see the city lit up below.  We sat there for several minutes before he said something.

             
“When I first found out that I had cancer, I drove up here once looking for a spot to jump off of or drive my truck off of.”  He stared out of the windshield at the city below as the sun was starting to set.  I remained silent, a little shaken that he had felt that way and was hoping that he wasn’t feeling that way at that moment.  He turned to me and asked, “Would it be okay if we sat in the bed of the truck?”