I Don't Want to Lose You (35 page)

             
I nodded and he had to help me with getting up there.  He sat down and had me sit between his legs so that he could wrap his arms around my waist and put his hands on my stomach. 

             
“So why didn't you jump?” I asked getting back to where he left off.

              “Because I hadn't done anything.  It was one thing if I had lived and there was nothing to live for anymore, but I hadn't even really started living yet.  I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve to have a rare form of cancer and issues with my heart on top of it.  That was something a man who beats his wife and kids and murdered people deserved because of his lack of heart. Not me.  I'm glad I didn't do it.  Things that I wanted to do in my life you made happen in a few months, and the best part was being with you.”

             
I put my hands over his but didn't say anything so as to not disturb his flow.

             
“Being with you has made me feel so alive,” he said as he began to choke up. He continued, “I don't want to die.  Not now.  I have you and our baby to live for.”

             
I nearly lost my breath as I felt punched in the gut to hear him say what I didn't want to hear but I knew was coming.  I got up to hold him as he cried.

             
“I never thought I could love you as much as I do,” he said through his sobs, “and now I'm leaving you like this with a baby.  A child I'll never get to meet.  It's not fair.”

             
“No, it isn’t,” I said through my own tears.

             
After we were both cried out, I sat next to him and held his hand.  He kissed my hand and said, “I'm sorry that I didn't say something sooner.  I was trying to not hurt you and didn't realize that I was hurting you by not saying anything.”

             
“You only told me one thing, but I don't know everything behind it,” I responded.  “I have so many questions.  When were you told and how long do you have?”

             
The apple bobbled. “I was told after I finished radiation and the tests showed that it didn't work either.  It's spread to my lungs now.  I went to appointments that I didn't tell you about because I wanted you to focus on the baby and taking care of you two.  I got put on different medications to help.  I started using the cane because I get too weak sometimes to walk without support and I don’t want to be in a wheelchair.”

             
“So you have stage four cancer?” I asked because I wasn't sure. “And you really shouldn’t be driving?”

             
He nodded.

             
“So at this point, there isn't much of anything that they can do for you?” I asked.

             
He shook his head and turned it away from me.

             
“You didn't answer my question of how long do I have you?”  We were in May and I was holding out hope for a big number so that he could at least see the baby even though we were approaching the one year mark my mother had spoke of months before.

  
              “Maybe a month or so, they can’t give me a definite amount of time.”

             
My hands shot to my face to hide the hurt look on my face.  I took control of my emotions and stopped sobbing.  I turned his face towards me to kiss his tear-stained cheeks.  “We'll get through this.  Thank you for telling me.”

             
He nodded and kissed me. “I love you, Monica.”

             
“I love you too, Theo.”  I turned his cap backwards and kissed him again.  I had to remember to make a conscience effort to not give too long of a kiss so that it wouldn't impact his breathing since I didn't know much about lung cancer. 

             
While I was glad that he finally told me, my heart was breaking.  I moved myself back to sit in between his legs.  He wrapped his arms around me and my belly.  We looked up at the night sky filled with numerous bright stars whose beauty could hardly be appreciated back down in the basin of the city. Every once in a while he would whisper sweet words in my ear.  Every time that he did, I searched out a new star to wish upon to let me keep my husband.  When he was ready, I drove us home.

CHAPTER FORTY FIVE

             
During the summer vacation after I graduated from high school, two of my cousins accompanied me on a trip to Portland, Oregon.  It was the first trip I had ever taken without the financial assistance of my parents.  With that being the case, we took buses and cabs to everywhere we wanted to go that we felt was too far to walk.  A rental car was not in the budget, not to mention none of us met the age requirement to rent one. 

             
One place that we went to was Pittock Mansion, which was set high up on a hill and, of course, the bus route didn't include going up that hill so we had to hike from the bus stop.  As we were climbing the hill in the woodsy area, I was so enthralled by the richness of color that all of the plants, trees and flowers had.  Green seemed greener. Reds were redder.  Yellows were more yellow than I had ever seen.  It was as though I was seeing for the first time how God had intended the colors to look to the human eye when the Garden of Eden was created. 

             
While becoming one with the nature around me and trying to keep up with my cousins, my vision had been hit with a never before seen darkness.  One moment the sky was a magnificent shade of blue with puffy white clouds hither and thither.  The next moment it resembled a pair of faded black jeans that came out of nowhere.  There was a drop here and there and that was enough to make three Black girls run like Kunta Kinte to get to the mansion and out of the rain.  Our hair was of high importance.               

             
We took the tour and lollygagged around in the gift shop until the rain had stopped.  As we took the trail back to the bus stop, I became mesmerized by the most beautiful rainbow that I had ever seen.  It was just an ordinary rainbow with no additional colors to make it more remarkable than any other rainbow, but it was how I saw it.  It was such a picturesque moment for me, to be looking up at the greenest, tall trees I'd ever seen and see a vivid rainbow peeking through.  I took a picture on my camera and in my mind because, for me, this moment could never be re-created.  Suddenly, gray clouds started making it harder for me to see the rainbow and I knew we had to hurry to the bus stop before the downpour began.

             
Everyday that I woke up after Theo told me the news, I felt like the gray clouds were blocking the rainbow.

             
I tried my best to act like everything was honky dory because I didn't want him to think that I had pity on him.  I wanted him to feel my respect and love toward him and that, despite him relying on the cane a little more and more each day or his becoming increasingly tired with ease, he still had his dignity.

             
I had decided without consultation that we would start reading thirty minutes earlier each night because we were getting so close to the end of the book and I would do the bulk of the reading.  I was determined for him to be able to check it off of his list. There used to be times when we would read it that we actually stayed up until the sun rose because we were on a roll and, dare I say it, the book was kind of good.  Those times were getting further and further in between. 

             
I was reading when he interrupted and asked, “Babe, can we talk?”

             
“'Talk' as in running something past me quickly and then I get back to reading?  Or 'talk' as in mark the book because who knows how long this is going to take?”

             
“It's the latter,” he answered.

             
I marked the book and put it next to me and turned to him to give my full, undivided attention.

             
There went the apple.

             
“I've been working on something for the past few weeks,” he started, “and I need to talk to you about it.”  He took a deep breath.  “I wrote up my will and some other things.”

             
I furrowed my eyebrows.  “Love, I think you have to actually have something of value to put in a will.  You don't have anything.”

             
He nodded, “But I do.  I have you.”

             
That softened me and leaned over to kiss his cheek.  “That was sweet.”

             
“Thanks but I'm serious, babe.”  The apple went down and back up.  “Since this is mostly about you and my baby girl in there-”

             
“Oh, no you didn't?” I interrupted with a neck roll.  He knew I wanted a boy and didn't like him teasing about it. 

             
“Oh, yes I did, honey child,” he said mockingly while trying to roll his neck.  We both chuckled.  “I'm trying to be serious here, Monica, so don't get all ethnic on me?”

             
“Say what?” I asked. “Ethnic?”

             
“Babe, I was trying to be politically correct about what I was inferring, but I'm not wearing my politician hat right now.  Right now, I'm just you're husband.  I'm just Teodoro.  Don't take anything I say the wrong way.  I'm just trying to get this out.”

             
I nodded as I made my alter ego go back into hiding.  Truth was that I was purposefully attempting to get off of the topic he wanted to discuss.

             
He grabbed a manila folder and took out a handwritten paper.  He pushed his glasses further up his nose.  “I know my mom hasn't been the easiest person for you to have to deal with but it would mean a lot to me if you kept in contact with my family.  I would like for my child to know my side of the family.”

             
“I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than that, so you don't have to worry about it.”             

             
“Since I don't expect to be here when the baby comes, I want you to promise me that whatever Ralph tries to help you with, you will let him help.”

             
“Help me how?”  I didn’t see how he was going to.
              “I'm not telling you.  I spoke with him about it and told him of the things I would like for him to do for you and with the baby.  I told him that I want him to be comfortable doing certain things and to only volunteer to help if he was.  So I don't know what he'll feel comfortable doing but just let him for me.”

             
I could only nod because my throat was so tight that I couldn't let a word out if I tried. 

             
He grabbed a manila envelope, which was quite thick. “I recorded a few videos that I would like you to show the baby as it grows up so it can see me talking to him or her.  They're labeled with what age I would you like for you to show them.”  His voice suddenly went up a couple of octaves and he cleared his throat.  “I have an album I made up of me growing up and some of my other favorite pictures for you two.  It's in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.   I have letters in this envelope,” he started to cry, which made my levy broke, and he continued, “that I would like you to give to him or her at the age that's on the front of the envelope.  There are some things that I want said and I wrote them down since I won't be there to say them. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did all of this.  I did the videos before I wrote the letters, but I didn’t want to go back and re-record to add what I forgot to say on tape so I just wrote it down.”