I Don't Want to Lose You (31 page)

             
I thought about it for a moment.  “There was no particular event that made me go, 'I like him and got to have him.'  I think it was more of a gradual thing because, at first, I couldn't stand you.  I found you to be annoying.”
              “What did I do?” he asked defensively.

             
“You were Rasheed's mouthpiece and I didn't like that, especially since he went through girls like Kleenex.”

             
“Rasheed?  I hadn't hung out with him since elementary school.  What did I-” he trailed off as his memory came back to him.  “You hated me for asking you for your number for him?”

             
“Sure did.  If he wanted it, he should have been man enough to come and ask, not that he was going to get it.”

             
“Yeah, I know how you feel about other people expressing the feelings of others to you,” he said. 

             
“What do mean?”

             
“I'm talking about the day that you broke my heart,” he answered.

             
I frowned.  “When did I do that?”

             
“You did it twice.  The first time was when I was walking you home telling you that Puppy liked you.  It was like you knew that I liked you, but I was speaking for him and you were not happy about me telling you that he wanted to ask you to be his girlfriend.  You wouldn't even let me finish walking you home.”

             
I remembered and I wasn't.  “So why didn't you speak up for yourself then?”

             
He shrugged his shoulders.  “I didn't think I had a chance.  When you said that you would be his girlfriend, I thought maybe in the future I would if you were willing to go for him.  But at that time, he had the nerve to ask you, not me.”

             
I touched his cheek and smiled.  “I think you would have made me happy even then if you had asked.”
              He shrugged his shoulders.  “I snoozed and I lost.”

             
“So when was the second time I broke your heart?”

             
“When I heard that you were with Nathaniel.  I was trying to muster up the courage to let you know how I felt and then I heard that you were with him.  I always hated that dude.  It wasn't that I was jealous of him other than him having you.  It was that he was so-”

             
“Obnoxious?” I filled in.

             
“Yeah, that's it.  I couldn't believe you opted for him over me.”

             
“You hadn't said anything at that point so there was no him over you.”

             
“Very true,” he replied.  “But I got you now and that's all that matters to me.”  He came closer and gave me an Eskimo kiss.  “You're not off the hook yet.  Let's get past the Rasheed thing and tell me when you started to like me.”

             
“It was never any one thing with you.  You always made me smile and made me feel good about myself.  You were always so sweet to me and accepted the things about me that I knew people talked about behind my back.  You were okay with me being me.  It was nice because I didn't have to put on a front with you.”  I thought back for a minute.  “You know, I think I do know when I realized that I had feelings for you.  I remember getting jealous once when you were talking to some chick by my locker.”

             
“I remember that, too.  When you first saw me talking to her, I wasn't sure if you were going to cut me or her.  You looked ticked off.”

             
“I remember thinking that I couldn't be jealous if I didn't have some other feeling than friendship for you.  I think that's when I realized that I liked you.  Who was she anyway?” I asked.

             
“Babe, I don't even remember her name,” he answered. 

             
“Well, anyway, back to us.   I remember the first time you put your arm around me in eleventh grade, I think it was.  I was standing at my locker getting ready to walk to class with Brenda and you came over and did it.”

             
“You know, Ralph had dared me to do it.  He was sick of me talking about you all the time and doing nothing about it.  He thought you'd punch me.  I was so scared.”

             
I shook my head.  “Had it been someone else, I would have given them a right hook.  But it had felt like it should’ve been there.  You had a lot of guts because if Nathaniel had seen you, you would have been punched.  But then you didn't do it again and I was like, 'Oh well.'”

             
“A clarification should be made here,” he stated.  “I was threatened by a football player to not do it again or Nathaniel would be informed.  I was told that I would be watched.”

             
My jaw dropped.  “For real? I thought for sure you just didn't like me anymore.”             

             
“Never.  I just liked staying in one piece a little bit more.”

             
“Ha!  The things you find out after the fact can change your whole perspective,” I said reflectively.

             
“So I decided to wait until he graduated to make my move.”             

             
“You sure did.”  I smiled.  “I remember a senior assembly we had in the auditorium like within the first week of school.  I had Brenda to my right and that annoying boy, Lloyd, was to my left when I sat down.  By the time the assembly started, Lloyd was gone and you were there.  I still don't know how that happened.”

             
“I had to ask about six people if I could trade seats with them.  I had made my way behind Lloyd and promised him something if he'd move. I don't remember what it was nor if I even did it.  I doubt if I did since I didn't like him.”

             
“Of course, you're a politician,” I inserted.

             
He put his hand over his heart.  “Ouch, that hurts,” he said smiling. 

             
“Honesty pricks.  Truth hurts.”

             
He continued with his story. “I wanted so badly to hold your hand, but I didn't know how you would respond.  Since I knew you were okay with my arm being around you, I thought that would be safer to do. It was like for those thirty minutes, you belonged to me.”

             
I nodded in agreement.  “You have no idea how disappointed I was the next time that we had an assembly and you didn't make your way next to me.”

             
“Sorry.  You're the last person in the world I would have ever wanted to disappoint.”

             
“You didn't disappoint me, the seating arrangement did.”  I gently kissed his cheek.  “You've always made me happy, even now.”

             
“So is that your answer to my 'are you happy' question?”

             
“I guess it is.  I mean, let's be real.  I'm not happy that you're sick, but I'm happy that I have the chance to be with you finally.  I'm not necessarily happy that I'm having a baby right now but, since I am, I'm happy that it's yours.  I'm not crazy about not knowing where in the world we'll put a baby or how we'll even take care of it, but I'm happy to know that no matter what,  I'll always have a piece of you with me.  I'm not happy that I don't get paid fifteen dollars an hour purely for being Monica Cabrera, but I'm happy that I have a cooperative employer who gives me some flexibility and pays me a couple of hundred a week for what I do.”

             
“You deserve more than that having to deal with me,” he said.

             
I shrugged my shoulders.  “While that may be true, it's not the reality and at the moment, I am happily content in the reality that is mine.”

             
“Wow,” was all he said.

             
“Wow what?”

             
“You sound so politically correct. Maybe you should be the politician.”

             
I rolled my eyes.  “Dude, get real.”  

             
I stopped speaking because all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how much he meant to me.  I decided to tell him instead of keeping it inside so that there was no doubt in his mind that I was happy.

             
“Theo, I really do love you more than any words I can ever think of could say.”

             
He gave me a gentle smile before kissing my nose.  “Babe, I love you, too.”  He kissed my hand.  “I feel the exact same way.  I'm glad that I will never have to know what it feels like to live without you.  One of the things that made me know that I wanted to spend my life with you is that you always make me smile, even in little things.  And right now, that’s what I need.”

             
“Can I ask you a question?”

             
“Anything,” he said.

             
“Since we’re kind of going down memory lane, can you tell me why you never liked Rosalind?”

             
The look on his face was as if I had drained all of the life out of him.  “I thought that we were having a moment.  Why did you have to bring that thing up?”

             
“Because I want to know what made her deserving of your hatred.  Did she reject you at one time in the past or something?”

             
His face contorted to a look of disgust as he loudly asked, “What? Have you lost your mind?”  After I calmed down from my giggling, he continued.  “Honestly, it’s that she was a whiner.  She complained about everything and did nothing about it.  She was always ready to point out a problem then sit back and let everyone else try to come up with a solution. It was unappealing and made her an irritant.  Other people did their best to tolerate her, but I had no problem letting her know that I thought she was useless.  She needed to take a lesson from you on how to be a woman of action.”

             
I smiled back at him and squeezed his hand.  Since I had him in honesty mode, I thought it would be a good time to ask another question I had wondered about.  “You know how you used to say that you were going to come back for me?”

             
“Yeah.”

             
“Did you mean it?  Don't make up stuff to try to not hurt my feelings.  Be honest,” I said sincerely.

             
“I did.”             

             
“What makes you think that you would have wanted me still?”

             
“Why are you asking me this?”

             
“Why can't you answer me first?” I asked.

             
“I don't think that I could ever find someone like you.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

             
“Hmm.  Okay, if you say so.”

             
“I have said and it is so,” he said.  “Now, why are you asking me this?”

             
“After you said it the first time, I can admit now that I wanted you to mean it and do it.  But there was this song that my dad used to love and listen to when I was a little girl that I heard on the radio over the summer.  I was singing along with it and then stopped after a while because I realized it was how I felt about you and it scared me to think of how you would think of me in the future.”