I Don't Want to Lose You (16 page)

             
The realization that I had made was that, when I thought about it, Nathaniel was not in a single one of my happy thoughts or memorable moments.  They were entirely enveloped in Theo.  I told him things that Nathaniel had no clue about.  The times that I felt special didn't generate from Nathaniel.  It was sad to think of all of the time that was wasted on him.

             
I didn't want to say yes to Theo for the wrong reasons, which required much thought.  I knew there would be doubters and naysayers who would think and say that I only married him because he was sick.  While that was the reason why I would do it sooner than preferred, it wouldn't be the reason why I would do it.  I considered whether lust or sexual desire had anything to do with it.  The truth was I had never lusted after him despite how I may have said some things to him in the past.  If having sex was an issue, I could have knocked that out with Nathaniel a long time ago.  I did think that Theo and I had an unspoken passion for each other and it would be nice to finally unleash it, but I would have to be realistic about my expectations due to his condition.

             
There was so much to ponder over, however the time to do it was winding down.  My brain told me that I needed to be reasonable.  If I did it, so much could go wrong despite the intentions behind it and I could get screwed.  

             
Marrying Theo wasn't a matter of trying to be a good person.  It was more of giving into my heart to get someone that I felt was deserving of me and me of him.  It was more about taking a chance to see if I could experience happiness with someone who actually cared.  He was someone who I had realistically envisioned as my husband when he first said he had wanted to be months before.  But I was able to see it in the future.  Way in the future to allow us more time to get where we wanted to be before it was time for that commitment.  That time, though, was not promised to either one of us, him especially. 

             
One of the things that helped me to make up my mind was a conversation that my father had with me about a month before.  I had been out with Nathaniel and he dropped me off at home.  My dad was outside watering the lawn and he asked me how my date went.

             
“It was alright, I guess.  We just went to see a movie he wanted to see,” I answered.

             
“I thought you had wanted to see some other movie that just came out.”

             
“I still do, but he wasn't interested since it's a chick flick.”

             
“It doesn't sound to me like you were interested in seeing his choice either, but you did.”

             
“I wasn't, but it is called compromise.”

             
“I know all about compromising after being married as long as I have.  Just make sure you're not the one who is always doing it,” he warned.  “You know that song 'What You Won't Do for Love' by Bobby Caldwell?”

             
“Yeah.”

             
“That's how anyone in love should feel about the person that they love.  You will do things for that person that you wouldn't do for anyone else.  Nathaniel has never struck me as the kind of man who would do that.  That's just my observation.  You can give it whatever value that you want to give to it.”

             
I stood there for a minute thinking about what he said before going into the house and it weighed upon my mind for the rest of the night.

             
If I was what Theo wanted, my heart told me to give him what he asked for.  The heart, however, is a deceptively, treacherous thing and didn't always work to my benefit.  I was at a fork in the road.  Either I continued on with my life as it was before Theo was back in it or deviate and venture off in a whole other direction.

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

              The next day I had asked Nathaniel to meet me at a coffee house after I got out of school.  I was already sitting at a table when he walked in.  I knew what he liked to drink and had it ready for him.  He sat down.

             
“Hey,” he said after kissing me on the cheek.  “You look tired.”

             
“I am tired.”

             
“So what's up? I was worried at first when you said we needed to talk because that’s code for I did something stupid and I'm in trouble.  But I haven't done anything, so what's going on?”

             
I let out a heavy sigh.  “I don't think we're good for each other.  I don't think we ever were.”

             
“What?” He was taken off guard. “Where is this coming from?  Things have been going good, hasn't it?”

             
“Perhaps, but not good enough for me anymore.”

             
“Are you breaking up with me again?”

             
I shook my head.  “No, not this time.  This time I'm leaving you and I'm not coming back.”

             
“Monica, are you serious?'”

             
“Very serious.”

             
“I don't believe this.  I've been saving up to get you a ring because I thought you wanted to marry me.”

             
I paused to compose myself because I knew where the conversation would go if I'd let it. “Then there's no need to thank me for keeping you from wasting your money.”  I got up.  “I wish I could say it's been fun.”  I walked out.

             
I could hear the music coming out of the garage when I arrived at Theo's house.  I was so exhausted but had to see him before I passed out in my bed.  I went in and he stopped playing at the sight of me and rushed over to me.

             
“Are you okay?”

             
“Yeah, I'm just pooped.  I didn't get any sleep last night.”             

             
“I'm sorry, babe.”             

             
“Yo me siento una hormiga muerta.”  I distorted my face to look as if it had been smashed.

             
He chuckled since I said that I felt like a dead ant.  “You say the weirdest stuff in Spanish sometimes.”  He led me outside of the garage for us to be able to talk in private.

             
I took a deep breath to try to calm myself since my heart was beating faster than I had ever recalled it doing.  “I love you and want to be your wife as soon as I can be.  We've wasted enough time. So if you want to go to Vegas, Mexico, Justice of the Peace or wherever, let me know when and I'll go.”

             
“We can get in the car right now and drive to Vegas,” he said eagerly.

             
“No, no we can’t.  I'm too tired and might end up saying 'I'm through' instead of 'I do.'  I better go home before I fall flat on my face.”

             
“I'll walk you to your car.” 

             
He held my hand as we walked to my car in silence.  Finally he said, “This isn't right.”

             
“What?  What are you talking about?”  I prayed that he wouldn't say anything that would require me to give it too much thought.  My brain was running on fumes.

             
“There's an order to things and we're out of order.  Monica, will you be my girlfriend?”

             
I chuckled.  “I'd be honored.”  I grabbed his hand and pulled up his pointer finger for the number one.  I softly caressed his face and gave him a quick peck on the lips and then I got in the car and drove home.

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

              If my mother was right about him being the first to die within the first year, time was running low. December was coming to a close and time wasn't on our side in more ways than one.  Two days later I called in to work letting them know I wasn't going to be in and drove Theo, Ralph and his new girlfriend Cecilia to Las Vegas.  We had to head out early to make sure that we had time to get the marriage license and make our appointment at the Fast Lane Weddings Drive Thru.  He was concerned that I might regret getting married in my car but I had to assure him that this was where I wanted to get married once I had learned of drive thru weddings.  Besides, I didn't really want to do the chapel thing like my parents did when they got married in Vegas.  I had to do it my way with a burger and fries.

             
Before we headed over to the drive thru, we stopped at the Rio Suites to eat at their buffet.  Afterwards, we all went into the restrooms to change from our jeans to something more wedding appropriate.  Even if it was a drive thru, jeans and a t-shirt weren't okay with me.  I wore a pale blue, strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline that I purchased the day before.  It showed off Holly and Dolly quite nicely, but one wrong move and they would be putting on their own Vegas show.  Rhinestones covered the bodice and it had an empire waist that flared to the end of the tea length dress.   I took the ponytail that I was wearing down and brushed my curls to get the effect that I wanted.  I did my makeup before I threw on my sparkling rhinestone earrings and bracelet.  I was ready to get the show on the road.

             
I walked out to see that everyone was waiting for me.  I looked him up and down as he did the same to me.  He looked handsome wearing a black suit and a matching fedora hat.  When I reached him he said, “You look gorgeous.”  He grabbed my hand and kissed it.  “Like a Jessica Rabbit in blue.”

             
“Thank you,” I cheekily said.  “You look kind of hot yourself.”

             
“Why thank you,” he said in the deepest voice he could find. He put his hand in his pocket and gave me a GQ pose.

             
Ralph interrupted our moment with, “You guys, we better get out of here.” We all put our coats on.

             
As we walked back to the car with my arm through his, he turned to me and quietly said, “I just realized that I've never kissed you.”

             
I thought about it and he was right.  Nothing more than my hand really.  As I thought even more about it, I realized he had never kissed a girl at all from what I was aware of.  “Did you want to practice or wait?”

             
“You got yourself all done up and stuff.  I don't want to mess up your makeup.  I'll just wait.”

             
“Are you sure?  It's just lipstick and I can put more on.”              “Yeah, I'll wait.”

             
“Okay.  Well when the time comes just open up a little bit and follow my lead to start and then I’ll follow you.  Try to control your spit because that slobbering stuff is gross to me.” He nodded his head as though he was taking mental notes.  “Make sure your jaw is slightly relaxed but not too much so I don't feel like you're about to eat me.”

             
He nodded and chuckled.  “Anything else?”

             
I smiled at him.  “Enjoy the moment.”