I Don't Want to Lose You (15 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

             
I found myself starting to spend a lot more time with Theo and I was barely missing Nathaniel.  A group of Theo's friends were heading to the Santa Monica Pier to just hang out.  I told him I would meet them there after I was done with work.  I changed out of my work clothes into jeans and a sweater before leaving the office.  I found where they were and joined them.  I said hello to everyone and went over to Theo. 

             
“So you're feeling good today I see,” I said joyfully.

             
“I could be better, but I'm okay.”

             
It wasn't what he said but how he said it that told me something else was going on.  “You got something on your mind?”

             
“Yeah.”

             
I slowly asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

             
He looked around and then told Edgar we would be by the water.  We walked to the water in silence and leaned on the pier's railing.  I was getting nervous about what he was going to say.  I looked at his face and could see him deep in thought.

             
“Theo, what is it?”

             
“I'm trying to figure out where to start.”

             
“Just start somewhere.”  He was making me nervous.

             
He looked out at the water and I was able to see from his profile the bobbling taking place in his throat.  “What's going on with you and Nathaniel?” he asked.

             
Uh oh
.

             
“The same stuff that's been going on.  Sometimes it's good and sometimes it stinks.  And sometimes I don't know why I'm still with him.”

             
“So what am I to you?”

             
“You're my friend.”  I didn't understand where he was going to know what he wanted me to say. 

             
He turned to look at me.  “No, I'm not and you know it.  I have friends and never once have I felt the same way about them as I feel about you.  I don't want my friends like I want you.  I don't love my friends like I love you.  I don't need my friends like I need you.  You're not even in the same category.”

             
Whoa!  I bit my bottom lip as I tried to figure out how to respond.

             
He continued on.  “I sat by for two years waiting for you to dump him for good.  I know all about your off and on stuff.  But by the time I'd find out you were off, you two would be back on again. Do you know how hard it is to be on Team Monica for two years and never getting a chance to be up at bat?”

             
“Wait, you kept pushing me off for another five years.  Not one time did you say anything about wanting me then,” I responded defensively.

             
“You're right.  I did because I thought that was the smartest thing to do for the both of us to make sure that we got our degrees. You have no idea how badly I wanted you then and I still do.  But I probably don't have another five years.”

             
“Don't say that,” I said gently.

             
“Monica, let's not pretend.  I don't have five years, I just have now and I want you now.”

             
I let out a deep breath because it seemed like I was holding it the whole time. I had a mixture of feelings going on. I was being called out for something that he willingly and knowingly participated in. I never hid the existence of Nathaniel and our relationship.  But it had been a while since he spoke with that kind of boldness and I found it alluring.

             
“So then what have I been to you?” I asked.

             
He looked at me as if I had “stupid” written on my forehead.  “The girl of my dreams.  What else could you have been?”

             
“Theo, what was it that we were doing last year?  What was that?”

             
“It was me pining for your attention like a little dog under the table waiting for some crumbs.”

             
“Ouch,” I said to try to disguise how much that stung.  “I never treated you like that.  I adored you then and still do now.”

             
“I more than adore you.”

             
“Then what is it that we've been doing?” I asked again.

             
“We've been pretending that Nathaniel doesn’t exist.  Why is he even in the picture when you don't want him?  You want me.  Every time I'm close to you I can feel it.”

             
I had to let that soak in for a moment to see if there was any ring of inaccuracy to it.

             
“No one else said that they wanted me at that time,” I said softly.

             
He looked frustrated with me.  “So since I didn't say anything, you were going to just go on and stay with him?  How long was it going to take you to come to your senses?”

             
I put my head down, ashamed at my own weakness for tolerating treatment out of fear of being alone.             

             
He lifted my chin up. “I want to marry you now, Monica,” he truthfully stated.

             
My eyes bulged out of their sockets.  “I'm sorry, what?”  This wasn't how I had expected to receive my first marriage proposal and not who I thought it would have come from.

             
He enunciated, “I want to marry you.”  That's what I thought he said.  He continued, “You've known this was in my plan.  I never hid that from you.  I think you wanted to be with me too. You never said that you didn’t want to be my wife when I said that you would be.  Can you honestly say that you never wanted to be with me?”

   
              I thought for a second and honestly answered, “No, I can't.”

             
“Well, here's your chance and it might not come again.”

             
“And if I don't take it?”

             
He shrugged.  “Then we both lose.”

             
“Wow.  I wasn't expecting this.”

             
“Let me ask you something. How many boyfriends have you had?”

             
“I don't know.  I don't think I would need a full hand to count. Three or four maybe.”

             
“Forget a hand.  I would not need fingers to count.  It would be nice before I die to get the one I always wanted.”             

             
“Dude, that's below the belt.  You're really milking that sympathy card.”

             
He grinned and said, “I got to use what works.  I'm a politician, remember?  That's what I got going for me right now.  When you're up against an ogre, you got to use what you can to get to the princess.”

             
I turned my head away to stare off into the ocean hoping it would remove some of the sudden stress I felt upon my shoulders.  He moved over to get behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder.  To feel the warmth of his breath in my ear, the heat of his body against me and his arms around me made me feel comfortable and at home.  It was as if I was wrapped in a warm blanket sitting in front of a fire sipping hot chocolate on a cold winter's night.

             
“I'd wait for you forever if I could,” he whispered in my ear.

             
Whatever defenses I could have possibly had up were completely and irreversibly down. 

             
That night I couldn't sleep no matter what I tried to do.  So then I decided, instead of trying to fight thinking about it, face it head on and maybe that would allow me to get some sleep.  I had to go to school the next morning.  I made a list of the pros and cons of being with both of them.  Even with the cons of no job, no money and dying being on Theo's side, he was still able to beat out Nathaniel in both sides of the list.  In the midst of my contemplation, I had a revelation and a realization, with neither one being easier to face than the other.                                         

             
The revelation was that I was a cheater.  I had never thought that I would be one nor did I equate my actions with being unfaithful, but essentially I was.  And although I hadn't done anything sexually, I had cheated on Nathaniel emotionally and a few times physically by holding Theo's hand or putting my arms around him.  Even touching his face the way that I had, not to mention that one congratulatory kiss on the cheek after the talent show.  Granted, we weren't always together when I did some of those things, but it didn't change the fact that I still did them.

             
  Nathaniel was not innocent in all of this either.  If anything, he was the cause.  He wanted to do whatever he wanted to do and, when there was a need for me, I was to drop everything and be there.  There wasn't a need for me when he went to his homecoming or prom.  He found other female classmates to go with because “it would be his last time to do something with them” or some other lame excuse.  These actions accounted for our on again off again relationship.  I tolerated the multiple times he told me that he had to go meet with his female college tutor to assist him with his homework when deep down I knew something else was up.  He never made me feel like I was in first place.  Or second, third or fourth. 

             
One time, my father was able to get three complimentary tickets to a concert at the last minute and I called Nathaniel to tell him the news and that we needed to find one more person.  He ignored that I was dressed up when he came to the door and told me that he thought it would be best if he and his two friends went who were already waiting in his car.  So I gave him the tickets because I didn't want to cause a scene and I wasn’t a big fan of the singer as it was.  I proceeded to tell him the next day that we needed a break. 

             
It wasn't until after my graduation, when I was missing Theo, that I asked him whether he truly wanted to be with me or not.  He had said that he did.  In trying to make sense of his history with me, I inquired whether he desired an open relationship.  That question did something to him because he suddenly started to put actual effort into us.  But just like an inexperienced runner takes off at full speed and eventually starts to slow down, so did his efforts.

             
And so I cheated, I guess.  I knew how to flirt and was pretty good at it.  I was fully aware of when I was flirting and I didn't have to put myself into that mode with Theo.  I didn't feel as though I needed to for him to be attracted to me.  I had someone who treated me the way I thought I should have been treated.  I would like to think if Theo would have said something to express that he wanted to be with me sooner than what he had always spoken of, I would have left Nathaniel.  Like a married woman who was waiting for her long time lover to tell her he was ready to take her away from her horrible marriage, I was awaiting my freedom.  Freedom to feel loved, to give love and be loved.  Then again, perhaps my lover was waiting for me to say that I was leaving my husband for him.