Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB

BOOK: Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB
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Table of Contents

 

BackCover

 

Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition

 

Foreword

 

Chapter 1: Giving from the Heart

 

Introduction

 

A Way To Focus Attention

 

The NVC Process

 

Applying NVC In Our Lives And World

 

Summary

 

Chapter 2: Communication That Blocks Compassion

 

Moralistic Judgments

 

Making Comparisons

 

Denial Of Responsibility

 

Other Forms Of Life-Alienating Communication

 

Summary

 

Chapter 3: Observing Without Evaluating

 

The Highest Form Of Human Intelligence

 

Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations

 

Summary

 

Chapter 4: Identifying and Expressing Feelings

 

Feelings Versus Non-Feelings

 

Building A Vocabulary For Feelings

 

Summary

 

Chapter 5: Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings

 

The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings

 

The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs

 

From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation

 

Summary

 

Chapter 6: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

 

Making Requests Consciously

 

Asking For A Reflection

 

Requesting Honesty

 

Making Requests Of A Group

 

Requests Versus Demands

 

Defining Our Objective When Making Requests

 

Summary

 

Chapter 7: Receiving Empathically

 

Listening For Feelings And Needs

 

Paraphrasing

 

Sustaining Empathy

 

When Pain Blocks Our Ability To Empathize

 

Summary

 

Chapter 8: The Power of Empathy

 

Empathy And The Ability To Be Vulnerable

 

Using Empathy To Defuse Danger

 

Empathy In Hearing Someone's " No! "

 

Empathy To Revive A Lifeless Conversation

 

Empathy For Silence

 

Summary

 

Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

 

Evaluating Ourselves When We've Been Less Than Perfect

 

Translating Self-Judgments And Inner Demands

 

NVC Mourning

 

Self-Forgiveness

 

The Lesson Of The Polka-Dotted Suit

 

" Don't do anything that isn't play! "

 

Translating " Have to " To " Choose to "

 

Cultivating Awareness Of The Energy Behind Our Actions

 

Summary

 

Chapter 10: Expressing Anger Fully

 

Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause

 

All Anger Has A Life-Serving Core

 

Stimulus Versus Cause: Practical Implications

 

Four Steps To Expressing Anger

 

Offering Empathy First

 

Taking Our Time

 

Summary

 

Chapter 11: The Protective Use Of Force

 

The Thinking Behind The Use Of Force

 

Types Of Punitive Force

 

The Costs Of Punishment

 

Two Questions That Reveal The Limitations Of Punishment

 

The Protective Use Of Force In Schools

 

Summary

 

Chapter 12: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

 

Resolving Internal Conflicts

 

Caring For Our Inner Environment

 

Replacing Diagnosis With NVC

 

Summary

 

Chapter 13: Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication

 

The Three Components Of Appreciation

 

Receiving Appreciation

 

The Hunger For Appreciation

 

Overcoming The Reluctance To Express Appreciation

 

Summary

 

Epilogue

 

Bibliography

 

Index

 

Index_B

 

Index_C

 

Index_D

 

Index_E

 

Index_F

 

Index_G

 

Index_H

 

Index_I

 

Index_J

 

Index_K

 

Index_L

 

Index_M

 

Index_N

 

Index_O

 

Index_P

 

Index_Q

 

Index_R

 

Index_S

 

Index_T

 

Index_V

 

Index_W

 

List of Exercises

 

List of Sidebars
Back Cover

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, diagnose—to think and communicate in terms of what is “right” and “wrong” with people. At best, the habitual ways we think and speak hinder communication, and crate misunderstanding and frustration in others and in ourselves. And still worse, they cause anger and pain, and may lead to violence. Without wanting to, even people with the best of intentions generate needless conflict.

In
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
, Marshall Rosenberg shows us how to reach beneath the surface and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. When we understand and acknowledge our needs we create a shared basis for a more satisfying relationship—a deeper connection with others and ourselves. Join the thousands of people world-wide who have improved their relationships—and their lives—with this simple, yet revolutionary process.

Nonviolent Communication helps you:

  • Free yourself from the effects of past experiences and cultural conditioning
  • Break patterns of thinking that lead to arguments, anger and depression
  • Resolve conflicts peacefully, whether personal or public, domestic or international
  • Create social structures that support everyone’s needs being met
  • Develop relationships based upon mutual respect, compassion, and cooperation

About the Author

Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., is the founder and educational director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). He travels throughout the world mediating conflict and promoting peace.

Nonviolent Communication—A Language of Life, Second Edition

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

P.O. Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129
[email protected]
www.PuddleDancer.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise copied for public or private use without the written permission of the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to:

PuddleDancer Press, Permissions Dept.
P.O. Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129
Fax: 1-858-759-6967,
[email protected]

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
2nd Edition Printing, August, 2003

Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Editor: Lucy Leu
Project Director: Jeanne Iler
Cover and Interior Design: Lightbourne,
www.lightbourne.com
Cover photograph of Jerusalem artichoke: Eric Dresser

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

ISBN: 1-892005-03-4

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Rosenberg, Marshall B.

Nonviolent communication : a language of life / by Marshall B. Rosenberg. -- 2nd ed.
p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN: 1-892005-03-4
1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

BF637.C45R67 2003 153.6--dc21

2003010831

Acknowledgements

I’m grateful that I was able to study and work with Professor Carl Rogers at a time when he was researching the components of a helping relationship. The results of this research played a key role in the evolution of the process of communication that I will be describing in this book.

I will be forever grateful that Professor Michael Hakeem helped me to see the scientific limitations and the social and political dangers of practicing psychology in the way that I had been trained: a pathology-based understanding of human beings. Seeing the limitations of this model stimulated me to search for ways of practicing a different psychology, one based on a growing clarity about how we human beings were meant to live.

I’m grateful, too, for George Miller’s and George Albee’s efforts to alert psychologists to the need of finding better ways for “giving psychology away.” They helped me see that the enormity of suffering on our planet requires more effective ways of distributing much-needed skills than can be offered by a clinical approach.

I would like to thank Lucy Leu for editing this book and creating-the final manuscript; Rita Herzog and Kathy Smith for their editing assistance; and for the additional help of Darold Milligan, Sonia Nordenson, Melanie Sears, Bridget Belgrave, Marian Moore, Kittrell McCord, Virginia Hoyte, and Peter Weismiller.

Finally, I would like to express gratitude to my friend Annie Muller. Her encouragement to be clearer about the spiritual foundation of my work has strengthened that work and enriched my life.

About The Author

MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG, PH.D. is Founder and Director of Educational Services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC).

Growing up in a turbulent Detroit neighborhood, Dr. Rosenberg developed a keen interest in new forms of communication that would provide peaceful alternatives to the violence he encountered. His interest led to a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1961. His subsequent life experience and study of comparative religion motivated him to develop Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

Dr. Rosenberg first used NVC in federally funded projects to provide mediation and communication skills training during the 1960s. He founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) in 1984. Since then CNVC has grown into an international nonprofit organization with over 100 trainers. They provide training in 30 countries in North and South America, Europe, Asia, the Middle East, and Africa, and offer workshops for educators, counselors, parents, health care providers, mediators, business managers, prison inmates and guards, police, military personnel, clergy, and government officials.

Dr. Rosenberg has initiated peace programs in war torn areas including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Sierra Leone, the Middle East, Colombia, Serbia, Croatia, and Northern Ireland. Funded by UNESCO, the CNVC team in Yugoslavia has trained tens of thousands of students and teachers. The government of Israel has officially recognized NVC and is now offering training in hundreds of schools in that country.

Dr. Rosenberg is currently based in Wasserfallenhof, Switzerland, and travels regularly offering NVC training and conflict mediation.

 

Foreword

Arun Gandhi
Founder/President, M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence

Growing up as a person of color in apartheid South Africa in the 1940’s was not something anyone relished. This was especially-true if you were brutally reminded of your skin color every moment of every day. And then to be beaten up at the age of ten by white youths because they considered you too black, and then by black youths because they considered you too white, is a
humiliating experience that could drive anyone to vengeful violence.

I was so outraged by my experiences that my parents decided to take me to India and leave me for some time with grandfather, the legendry M. K. Gandhi, so that I could learn from him how to deal with the anger, the frustration, the discrimination, and the humiliation that violent color prejudice can evoke in you. In those 18 months I learned more than I anticipated. My only regret now is that I was just 13 years old and a mediocre student at that. If only I was older, a bit wiser and a bit more thoughtful, I could have learned so much more. But one must be happy with what one has received and not be greedy—a fundamental lesson in nonviolent living. How can I forget this?

One of the many things I learned from grandfather is to understand the depth and breadth of nonviolence, and to acknowledge that we are all violent and that we need to bring about a qualitative change in our attitudes. We often don’t acknowledge our violence because we are ignorant about it. We assume we are not violent because our vision of violence is one of fighting, killing, beating, and wars—the type of things that average individuals don’t do.

To bring this home to me, grandfather made me draw a family tree of violence using the same principles as are used for a genealogical tree. His argument was that I would have a better appreciation of nonviolence if I understood and acknowledged the violence that exists in the world. He assisted me every evening to analyze the day’s happenings—everything that I experienced, read about, saw or did to others—and put them down on the tree either under “physical” (if it was violence where physical force was used) or under “passive” (if it was the type of violence where the hurt was more emotional).

Within a few months I covered one wall in my room with acts of “passive" violence that grandfather described as being more insidious than “physical" violence. He then explained that passive violence ultimately generated anger in the victim who, as an individual or as a member of a collective, responded violently. In other words it is passive violence that fuels the fire of physical violence. It is because we don’t understand or appreciate this concept that all our efforts to work for peace have either not fructified, or the peace that we achieved was only temporary. How can we extinguish a fire if we don’t first cut off the fuel that ignites the inferno?

Grandfather always vociferously stressed the need for nonviolence in communications—something that Marshall Rosenberg has been doing admirably for many years through his writings and his seminars. I read with considerable interest Mr. Rosenberg’s book,
Nonviolent Communication—A Language of Life
, and was impressed by the depth of his work and the simplicity of the solutions.

Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,” no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.

Nonviolence is not a strategy that can be used today and discarded tomorrow, nor is it something that makes you meek or a pushover. Nonviolence is about inculcating positive attitudes to replace the negative attitudes that dominate us. Everything that we do is conditioned by selfish motives—what’s in it for me—and even more so in an overwhelmingly materialistic society that thrives on rugged individualism. None of these negative concepts is conducive to building a homogeneous family, community, society, or nation.

It is not important that we come together in a moment of crisis-and show our patriotism by flying the flag; it is not enough that we become a superpower by building an arsenal that can destroy this earth several times over; it is not enough that we subjugate the rest of the world through our military might, because peace cannot be built on the foundations of fear.

Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “This world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.

This world is what we have made of it. If it is ruthless today it is because we have made it ruthless by our attitudes. If we change ourselves we can change the world, and changing ourselves begins with changing our language and methods of communication. I highly recommend reading this book, and applying the Nonviolent Communication process it teaches. It is a significant first step towards changing our communication and creating a compassionate world.

—Arun Gandhi

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