Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB (7 page)
Read Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB Online
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings. By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
Expressing Feelings
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If you would like to see whether we’re in agreement about the verbal expression of feelings, circle the number in front of any of the following statements in which feelings are verbally expressed.
“I feel you don’t love me.”
“I’m sad that you’re leaving.”
“I feel scared when you say that.”
“When you don’t greet me, I feel neglected.”
“I’m happy that you can come.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“I feel like hitting you.”
“I feel misunderstood.”
“I feel good about what you did for me.”
“I’m worthless.”
Here are my responses for Exercise 2:
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “you don’t love me” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses what the speaker thinks the other person is feeling, rather than how the speaker is feeling. Whenever the words “I feel” are followed by the words “I,” “you,” “he,” “she,” “they,” “it,” “that,” “like,” or “as if,” what follows is generally not what I would consider to be a feeling. Examples of an expression of feeling might be: “I’m sad” or “I’m feeling anguished.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed.
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “neglected” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses what the speaker thinks the other person is doing to him or her. An expression of feeling might be: “When you don’t greet me at the door, I feel lonely.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “disgusting” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses how the speaker thinks about the other person, rather than how the speaker is feeling. An expression of feeling might be: “I feel disgusted.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “like hitting you” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses what the speaker imagines doing, rather than how the speaker is feeling. An expression of feeling might be: “I am furious at you.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “misunderstood” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses what the speaker thinks the other person is doing. An expression of feeling in this case might be, “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel discouraged.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that a feeling was verbally expressed. However, the word “good” is vague when used to convey a feeling. We can usually express our feelings more clearly by using other words, e.g. in this instance: “relieved,” “gratified,” or “encouraged.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I don’t consider “worthless” to be a feeling. To me, it expresses how the speaker thinks about him or herself, rather than how the speaker is feeling. Examples of an expression of feeling might be: “I feel skeptical about my own talents,” or “I feel wretched.”
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Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.”
—Epictetus
The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the
stimulus
, but never the
cause
of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we
choose
to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With the third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” In choosing to take it personally, we might react, “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at a great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
1. Blaming ourselves
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest, “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
2. Blaming others
When receiving a negative message, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you saying that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate-of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
3. Sensing our own feelings and needs
Finally, a fourth option in receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the
other
person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
4. Sensing others’ feelings and needs
We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled.
Example 2
A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.”
Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said:
“When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt.
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, feeling responsible for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It appears that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance to parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because . . . ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen-our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel . . . because I . . . ” For example:
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel . . . because I . . .”
“
I feel
really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures,
because I
want our company to project a professional image.”“
Mommy feels
disappointed when you don’t finish your food,
because I
want you to grow up strong and healthy.”“
I feel
angry that the supervisor broke her promise,
because I
was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,” she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we are wishing for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as we would prefer them to.
I was once invited to mediate in southern California between some landowners and migrant farm workers whose conflicts had grown increasingly hostile and violent. I began the meeting by asking them two questions: “What is it that you are each needing? And what would you like to request of the other in relation to these needs?” “The problem is that these people are racist!” shouted a farm worker. “The problem is that these people don’t respect law and order!” shouted a landowner even more loudly. As is often the case, these groups were more skilled in analyzing the perceived wrongness of others than in clearly expressing their own needs.
In a comparable situation, I once met with a group of Israelis and Palestinians who wanted to establish the mutual trust necessary to bring peace to their homelands. I opened the session with the same questions, “What is it you are needing and what would you like to request from one another in relation to those needs?” Instead of directly stating his needs, a Palestinian mukhtar (who is like a village mayor) answered, “You people are acting like a bunch of Nazis.” A statement like that is not likely to get the cooperation of a group of Israelis!
Almost immediately, an Israeli woman jumped up and countered, “Mukhtar, that was a totally insensitive thing for you to say!” Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange, matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need. In this case, the woman could have responded to the Mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”
Over and over again, it has been my experience that, from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy
to choose one’s dreams, goals, values
to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
Celebration
to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
Integrity
authenticity
creativity
meaning
self-worth
Interdependence
acceptance
appreciation
closeness
community
consideration
contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
emotional safety
empathy
honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
love
reassurance
respect
support
trust
understanding
warmth
Spiritual Communion
beauty
harmony
inspiration
order
peace
Physical Nurturance
air
food
movement, exercise
protection from life threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
rest
sexual expression
shelter
touch
water
Play
fun
laughter