I am HER... (19 page)

 
 
  Heading for the dining-room, I feel okay. I don't look crazy or stressed out.  I don't have raccoon eyes and I'm breathing fine.  I hope they accept cash.  I'll ask... Yes!  They do.  After perusing the extensive breakfast menu, I order a cheese omelet with bacon on the side; and I decide to call Z while I wait for my food to arrive.
  "Good morning, Sweetheart.  Did you rest well?"  His voice is so lovely, I smile.
  "Yes, I did.  Thank you.  And you?"
  "I slept quite well, however, I did have some things on my mind that were both intriguing and erotic at once." 
Really?
  "Oh, I see."  This is kind of sexy.
  "Yes.  I had quite a few intensely erotic dreams as well.  I woke up almost panting... Would you like to hear about them?" 
ABSOLUTELY!
  "Um, no.  I'm in the hotel dining-room, waiting for my breakfast to arrive.  It seems a little inappropriate to hear about... such things."
  "Why?  The other diners will never know, unless of course, you put me on speaker phone."  Suddenly laughing, I’m a little less stressed out by this conversation.  "Shall I tell you about the absolutely delightful, yet shockingly sinful little strawberry-blonde I dreamed about...?"  God, yes! 
Sinful?
 
Me?
  "Um, I think I'll have to pass.  I don't want every diner here to see just how red and embarrassed
this
particular strawberry-blonde can get."  Tell me anyway! 
Please!
  "Why do you insist on being so reserved, love?  I know you want me to tell you about my dreams.  I can hear it in your voice.  Ask me to tell you.  Ask me, and I’ll tell you all about the delicious things I did with the stunning strawberry-blonde of my dreams."  Again, I can hear the smile in his voice.
  "I don’t want to know such things.  You have me mistaken for some other girl."  
Liar!
  "Hmmm, I thought I told you about my dislike of lying.  Do I need to teach you a lesson?"  
A lesson?
  What they hell does
that
mean?
  "Um, no... No lesson required.  I'm not lying.  I really don't want you to tell me about your dreams..." I whisper.  God, I hope no one can hear me.
  "Sweetheart, since you insist on lying to both of us, I'm going to have to show you my dreams."  Show me?  Yes!  SHOW ME?! 
WHAT?!
  No!
  "And how are you going to do that?"
  "At my hotel, of course." 
  "Ah, I don't think so.  I'm not coming to your hotel."

 
"Yours, then?"
  "NO!!"  
Shit!
  The table beside me is looking at me.  Please, don't get crazy. 
Please...
  "Okay. You won't come to me, and you won't let me come to you.  Why don't we choose neutral territory?"  No. Way.
  "Um, Z?  That's not a good idea. I'm sure I'm not the kind of woman who you usually...  um...
have
."
  "My usual kind of woman?  Yes, I believe you're right.  However, my
usual
kind of woman doesn’t intrigue me half as much as you do.  Therefore, I would like to find out why it is I'm absolutely captivated by you." 
Captivated?
  Holy shit!
  "Look, Z.  My breakfast has arrived, and I need to eat and calm down a little. I don't know how to handle someone like you."
  "Handle someone like me?  Who would that be?  A man who desires you?"
  "Yes!  That's exactly who.  I don't even really believe you.  I still think you're playing a game with me, okay?! Just stop doing this."
  "I don't think so.  I'm not going to stop, and you ARE going to trust me.”
  "That’s highly doubtful.  I don't trust anyone,
ever.
  Do you remember what’s happened to me in the last few days, Z?  My
husband
?  My
friend
?  I tried to trust them, and look what they did."
  "I am neither of those people, and I have never lied to you, or betrayed you.  I will not betray you, love.  You need to trust me."
  "Well, I DON’T.  Please, just leave me alone.  Please, Z.  I don't want to do this anymore.  It will never work between us. 
I
don't work, okay?!"

 
“Oh, we’ll work.  I know we will.  I’m going to make you stop all this reserve, and I’m going to help you
feel
.  You may not know what I can do to make you feel, but
I
know what I can do.  Trust me.”

 
“
Z, I’m not able to do what I
think
you’re asking me to do, okay?”
  "No.  It is NOT okay.  Pick a place to meet." 
What?
  "I'm sorry...?"
  "Pick a place to meet.  Now.  Pick another hotel, or a cheap motel, or a public park, if you're into that sort of exhibitionism.  I don't really care where you choose.  But, Pick. A. Place. Now!"   I don't know.  Where?  Think. 
Ugh,
I CAN’T!
  "Umm..." 
  "Now! Sweetheart.  Pick a location."
  "Um, there is a cheap motel, just outside Evanston on I-92..."  I sneer at him.
  "Name?"
  "'Good Times Motel', I think.  I used to laugh at it, when I drove past to visit my parents."  I'm rambling now.  Good times?
Good times?
   Not for me!
  "It’s now 10:40.  I’ll meet you there at 12:30 this afternoon.  Do not disappoint me, Sweetheart.  I know we can have something
special
between us.  I expect you to be there at 12:30 sharp.  Are we clear?"
  "You sound like a real jerk right now, you know?!  What happened to you not
allowing
anyone to bully me anymore?  YOU'RE bullying me!"  I yell, to my embarrassment. 
Shit.
  Everyone can hear me.  I should leave the dining-room.
  "12:30 sharp.  Oh, and did you think about your pussy last night, while touching yourself?"  Gulp. 
Oh. My. God
.  Silence...  "Did you?"  Don't answer him!  Don't tell him the truth!
  "Um, I thought about it,
a little...
But I, ah, didn't
touch
myself..." I whisper again.
  "Well, that's a little disappointing, but no worries, I plan to show you what a man can and
should
do with a stunning woman such as yourself.  I’ll see you at 12:30, love." 

                                
==========

 
OH MY
GOD!!
  What have I done?  I can't meet him at a motel.  I just can't.  I'm not like that!  I've never even been in a motel before... 
in my life!
  Holy
SHIT! 
In less than 2 hours, I'm supposed to meet Z, a stranger, in a cheap motel?
  Rising, I leave the table quickly.  I had one bite of the omelet, one piece of bacon, and that's it.  I don't think I even had a sip of coffee.  What do I do now?  What do I DO...?  Pay for breakfast first.  Panic, second. 
  After a painful conversation with my waiter, I'm free.  'No, there was nothing wrong with my breakfast.  No, I would not like anything else, as a substitute.  No, you do not have to comp the meal.'  CHRIST!  He really was annoyingly polite.  Leave me
ALONE!
  $11.00 later, plus tip, I’m finally free and back in my room.

  W
hat do I do now? 
Run?
  Yes.  Run from my room.  Run away from Z.  Yes.  I'll run from Marcus, and my parents, and now Z.  This is too much.  My head is spinning.  I'm about to panic again.  Breathe.  Come on, breathe deep.

   “Breathe, love.
  Listen to my voice.  I am pushing my breath into your lungs... Can you feel me in your body?"
  

  NO!  I don't want to feel him
IN MY BODY
!!  Sit down!  And just breathe for
Christ’s Sake!
 

                                
     ==========

 
  Slowly, I return to my senses.  Looking at the clock, its 12:02.  Shit.  How long was I just sitting there
breathing?
  What do I do?  Just do it!  Meet him.  I can always leave...
Can’t I?

 
What if he hurts me, or forces me to stay against my will?  What if he is huge, and mean-looking? What will I do? 
Shit!
  I hate being this scared. I hate feeling like this.  Why am I so insecure and frightened all the time?  That's it!  I'm always afraid.  Why is that?  Why am I
ALWAYS frightened...?

 
Walk to your car.  Now.  Just do it.  Maybe Z won't be big.  Maybe he won't be mean-looking.  Maybe he won't force you to stay against your will.  Maybe he won't hurt you.  Just do it.  Now. 
Okay.
  SHIT!

 
What am I doing here? I wanted this. I wanted a...  a
what?
  What is, Z?  I have to get out of the car but I’m too frightened and paranoid, and even slightly aroused actually, but my fear is strongest and too overwhelming.  I just can’t relax, or even exhale, or even
move.

 
What if Z is disappointed in me,
physically
?  I’m still dressed as before; in my black cami and blouse, black knee-high skirt and black heels. I pulled my hair down and my make-up is light. But I find my demeanor is almost hard or something from the fear.
  Meeting Z for the first time in person, in this cheesy motel, feels so
cheap
to me.  I know he and I have spoke and emailed frequently, but I don't
know
him.  I really don't know what he’s
actually
like.  He always sounds so strong and secure, and like forceful and dominant or something.

  W
hat the hell am I doing here?!  Oh, god
… HELP ME!

                                
==========

  
  Knocking on the door, Z’s already inside, and I’m 10 minutes late.  Opening the door to me, Z steps aside smiling, as I walk into the room. I think he knows I'm uncomfortable and frightened. I think he knows I can't breathe. Closing the door, he turns back to me and smiles once more. I still haven't exhaled. I'm shaking and wretchedly embarrassed. I hate this and I think he knows it.
 
Dammit
, he’s beautiful.  He’s tall, and fit, and darkly tanned and strong looking.  He is ideal.  He has that 'tall, dark, and handsome' female fantasy-thing going for him.  Women must
love
him.  God, how disappointed is he in
my
looks?  This is awful.

 
“You look beautiful, Sweetheart.  You’re much more attractive in person than by photo.”

 
“Thank you,”  I whisper.  Can I even inhale fully?
  Walking a step toward me, Z slowly bends and removes my heels. Without my heels, I drop to my pitiful 5'3, and he suddenly has such a height advantage over me that I can't help but retreat a step. I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling overwhelmed and over-
heighted.
  Bending to me, Z kisses me softly, and so gently. He kisses me, opening my mouth with his tongue as he slowly dips into my mouth.  He doesn't thrust into me awkwardly, but rather impales me slowly with his tongue. Kissing my lips, he gently bites and tugs on my lower lip. He pulls away and looks at me again and suddenly I exhale for the first time.
  Wrapping his fist in my hair, he pulls me back to his mouth as I brace myself to be taken hard.  But, again, he licks, kisses and bites my mouth in slow dragging pulls and finally I feel something; other than bone-numbing fear. He keeps watching me... and I think he knows I'm relaxing slightly.
  Taking my hand, Z walks us to the bed and leads me to sit on the edge. Instantly, the fear returns. I feel cold, and I'm completely stressed out. My body is tasking itself.  Oh, god!  I HATE this!  Here comes the thrusting...
  Z kneels on the floor in front of me, looks at my face, smiles, and says, "Breathe. I want you to breathe with me. Look at me, Sweetheart. Look! Just breathe." And slowly staring at his handsome face, I breathe slowly for him.
  Placing his hands on my thighs, I flinch. But Z just moves his hands back and forth slowly, calmly. He stays away from touching me 
there
and I breathe slower once again. Z watches my reaction, smiles and nods when I’m steady. 
  Lifting his hands to the buttons on my blouse, again I flinch, but this time my hands clamp around his wrists.

 
Stopping, Z smiles, "You’re beautiful, love. I love your body.  I love your breasts and hips, and your delicious ass. I love a woman who is curvy.  I want YOUR curvy body.  I want
you.
"