I am HER... (51 page)

 
"Um, about Kayla?"
  "No.  Just now.  About the men?"
  "When?  I don't know.  What did I do wrong?"

 
"Do you know what you just said?  Can you remember your words?  Think." 

 
Um...  "I snorted and Kayla looked at me like I was gross, but in a funny way... I don't know.  Why?"
  "What did she say to you after that?" 
When?!
  I have no idea!
  "Kayla... What does he want?  What should I say? 
Please..."
  I whisper desperately.
  "Do you remember me asking you to tell me your secret with men?  Do you remember I wanted to know how you managed to get two hot guys?"
  "Yes.  But, what's wrong?  I thought you were joking.  WHAT'S WRONG?  Just tell me. 
Please
, Kayla."
  "Um..."  But Kayla just looks at Mack.  And Mack looks like he is thinking of what to say.
  "Listen to me.  Do you want Kayla here right now?  She can stay if you want, or she can leave.  It's your choice."
  "Why would she leave?  What did I do wrong?  Just tell me."
  "I'll stay.  May I sit beside you?"  Kayla says walking toward me.
  "Yes, of course.  Kayla, what do you want me to say?  Just tell me. 
Please?
"
  At that moment Kayla looks over at Mack, and he nods.  He actually nods at her, like I'm not even here.  God, I hate that!  Everyone does that to me.
  "I
AM
here you know!  Just fucking tell me, Kayla. I don't care which one of you talks, but somebody FUCKING SPEAK!  I get so sick of everyone talking about me behind my back.  Whispering and talking... 'Oh, look at
her
... How did
SHE
get the hot husband? 
She's
the Beaumont heir?  That's
her
?’
 
What. Is. It?!"
  "Um, you mentioned that you were repeatedly..."
  "Say exact words Kayla.  She needs the exact words she used..."
  "Oh, yes, Kayla.  Please say my
exact
words to me.  Heaven fucking forbid you don't get it right?! 
WHAT IS IT?!"
I practically scream in her face. 
Christ!
  I'm so sick of their shit!
  "You said, um, you repeatedly got fucked in the ass as a kid by many men, and by your own doctor, even as your daddy took the pictures..."

 
Whoosh.  Again.  Holy SHIT!  Where the hell is my air?
  "No!  Breathe.  I want you to listen to me.  Look at me, RIGHT NOW.  I want you to breathe with me.  Slow and deep.  You are not doing this again to yourself... Do you hear me?!"  Um....
  "I'm t-trying... It's..." gasp "... hard."
  "I know, but I want you to look at me, and breathe with me.  Do what Z taught you.  Slow, even breaths.  There you go.  Stay with us.  Look, both Kayla and I want you to breathe slowly...
right
Kayla?"
  "Yes... Of course.  You can do it.  Breathe with Dr. MacDonald."
  "Mack.  He's M-Mack."
  "Yes, that's right.  Breathe slowly with Mack.  You're doing really well.  You're barely shaking now and your breaths are evening out.  How do you feel?"
  "Better.  Th-thank you.  I'm sorry for this.  I, I'm not sure why this happens to me..."
  "Don't worry about it.  I have panic attacks from time to time myself, especially when I'm shopping at Macy's during their yearly shoe sale." 
What?!
  "I did too!  A few w-weeks ago!"
  "Well, anyone would.  I mean come on, Manolos, Jimmys, and Wangs... Who wouldn't panic during a 60% off sale...?"  She says with a huge smile.  Oh. My.
God.
  She is so amazing.
  Breathing, I'm doing better.  I can
feel
my lungs working.  My hands aren't really shaking anymore, and my heart is beating slower.  This is good.  I'm almost back, I think. I just can't believe what I said.  It's too much.
  "No.  Come on.  Breathe slower.  No thinking at the moment.  I just want you to breathe slowly with Kayla.  I don't even know what a ‘Wang’ is, but it seems pretty important..."
  "
Vera
Wang, Manolo Blahnik, and Jimmy Choo...
Come on
Dr. um,
Mack...
 these are very important shoe
Creators
."  I swear she added 'duh' to the end of that sentence.
  "Oh, of course- forgive my ignorance.  I must have missed that while in school forever,
becoming a doctor
... Can't you girls give a guy a break?"  They're teasing each other?  Oh, fun.
  "You two would make a very cute couple.  Mack you have that serious doctory, good looking, but dorky fun thing going for you.  And Kayla you have that total smartass, awesome in bed, sexy thing going for you..." Ha!  They both blushed!!  I can't believe it, I just made someone else blush!
  "Sorry..."
  "That's okay.  I've been trying to get his attention for over a year now.  Maybe you just got his attention
for me
with that whole 'sexy AND good in bed' comment." 
What?!
 

 
Wow.  Mack is positively 'red'.  Now, I feel a little bad.  I hope he's not mad at me.
  "I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're wondering.  I enjoyed your description of me way too much.  'Serious, good looking,
and
dorky fun'.  I can't think of a better way to be described.  Thank you for that."
  "You’re welcome and it's true.  I mean it, you seem like you are just so good, Mack, and I love having you in my life, for however long I get to have you."
  "Listen to me closely.  You will always have me in your life, if you want me.  Both as your doctor, and afterward as your friend.  You and I are going to be friends for a long time, I think."  Oh!

 
"That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, Mack.  I hope that's true.  I would love to have a friend like you.  I've never really had any, and you just seem like the perfect kind of friend.  You don’t hurt me, like, ever."
  Dammit.  More tears.  I really wish I could stop this crying all the time.  It's beyond embarrassing.  Kayla leans in and actually wipes away my tears with a tissue.  Oh.  I remember that.
  "The
other
Kayla did that for me once.  It's okay, I'm fine.  For some reason I cry a lot now but I never did before.  Actually, I couldn't cry.  I tried a few times.  I thought of horrible things, really bad things, but I couldn't cry, I just had no tears.  It was like I didn’t even feel sad or something...  I only cried once when I chopped an onion, but that was like a physical reaction or something, I looked it up... Anyway, now I seem to cry all the time.  Do you know why Mack?" 

  Looking at him, Mack just seems so kind, and thoughtful, and like he knows everything.  I bet I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t get mad at me.  That would be a really nice feeling to have- to not be afraid to talk to someone.
  "Actually, I do.  You have all these memories of very
bad
things in your brain.  Things that you have repressed for so long as a survival tool, I believe.  Once you suffered the bleed in your brain, your brain itself was no longer able to hold onto these repressed memories...  And as you started remembering these things, you were no longer able to repress
all
your feelings as well.  Basically, in layman's terms, you held onto
all
emotion to cope with your childhood trauma, and once you became sick a few weeks ago, you couldn't hold onto those emotions anymore, because you couldn't repress the actual memory of the events any longer. Now, you don't really know how to control your emotions at all.  That's why you cry often, or you become enraged and lash out, or why you feel such suffocating despair, from one moment to the next.  If I tell you your reactions were
sadly,
completely normal under the circumstances, it's not to minimize the effect they have on you.  They affect you horribly, which is
very
real, but it is actually
normal
for someone with as much trauma in their life, to experience these emotions, as you have so far.  Did that make sense?" Um...
  "May I, Mack?"  Kayla asks him.
  "Sure."  Mack looks a little taken aback, but Kayla just ignores him and turns to me.
  "Look. You had a totally fucked up childhood from what I'm gathering, and for whatever reason you wouldn't, or maybe
couldn't
deal with it all, so you just didn't deal-
Period.
  Now that you're older, and you’re remembering everything that happened, you're finally reacting to it all.   So, it's perfectly okay to cry, or scream, or freak out, or even have panic
attacks.  There’s nothing wrong with anything you feel, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable it makes you feel at the time.  Now, do you understand?”  Yes, I nod.
  For a minute I think Kayla is going to gloat, but thankfully, she just asks Mack if she did okay.  When he nods, both Kayla and I seem to exhale.  Suddenly, I am very tired again.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  Why am I always so exhausted?
  "Mack, why am I so tired all the time?"
  "You just had major brain surgery, so your mind likes to shut down to regenerate.  And you’re on an emotional roller coaster right now, totally out of your comfort zone, so again, your body needs to shut down, to 'recharge' if you will... How did
I
do Kayla?"

 
"Not bad,
for a doctor
," she shrugs.  God, they are so cute.  I hope they go out together. 
  "Would you like to rest for a little while?  It's only 3pm, so there’s still a lot of time to talk later.  You seem to only sleep for an hour or two at a time."
  "Yes, thank you.   Mack, I promise I'll talk when I wake up." 
  "No problem.  But I have to ask, may I record you when we talk?  I know you probably hate the idea, but it would be very helpful if you were recorded relaying certain information regarding your choice of psychiatrist, rather than me merely repeating it- It’s kind of a hearsay element I don’t want working against me when I try to help you against your family tomorrow."

 
Oh
shit.
  Record me talking about that
stuff
? "Um... Who will hear it?"
  "Just you and I... Or anyone you give me express permission to allow to hear it.  Until you do, it's just you and I, like I've told you from the start.  Remember the ‘Doctor/Patient Confidentiality’ I told you about?  That applies to any recordings as well."
  "Okay.  I guess.  I mean if you think it will help."
  "I do."  Well, that's that then.
  "I'll check in on you later, okay?  And no worries, I won’t ever tell anyone about anything you have or
will
discuss with me.  I like you, and I'm not a bitch, I’m just a smartass... So your secrets are safe with me, okay?"
  "Thank you, Kayla.  Um, you're very kind."
  "Just don't tell anyone..." and smiling she leaves my room.
  I am so tired now.  I don't even feel my body anymore.  Hey!  Why haven't I eaten in like, forever?
  "Ah, Mack.  I don't think I've eaten in a long time, like early yesterday, I think."
  "You’re back on a drip because you can't hold anything down yet.  If you can make it through to tonight without gagging or vomiting, I’ll feed you real food, I promise.  Anything you want.  You name it, I'll get it.  Sound good?"
  "Very."
  "I'll see you soon.  Rest well.  I'll send the nurse with more pain medication for you."
  After mere minutes, swallowing more pills, and a deep exhale, my body instantly feels the pull for sleep.  Closing my eyes, I know I'm done.

 
Waking, my room is silent.  Looking around, I see I'm alone again.  I'm starting to like alone.  I don't have to say or
do
anything when I'm alone.  No one makes me tell them things and I don't even have to think about all that awful
stuff
when I'm alone.
   I really need to get out of here though.  I need my own space; somewhere to just think,
alone.
  Somewhere other than this hospital, or Chicago, or even New York, I guess.  I need a get-away, something that is just for me.  Somewhere that's all mine.  That's all I need for now.  I'll deal with all this other stuff after I have a little alone time.
   Leaning over the side rail, I finally figure out which button actually lowers the bed and rail.  It's amazing how complicated it is.  All the tubes and wires are on my left side, so I turn to my left.  Damn.  My head is still pounding, and I'm a little dizzy from just this slight movement too.
   With my feet nearly touching the floor, I look at the tubes. 
Ew.
  Catheter tube and bag of pee.  That is just so gross, but I don't really know how to remove a catheter, so I'll have to wait for Kayla to do it later.

 
Looking at my hand, I decide to pull out the intravenous wire.  How hard can it be?  Holding my breath, I pull the needle out of my hand, and watch as a small dot of blood forms.  Huh.  That wasn't bad.
   Opening my gown, I see the little heart stickers, which are also not a big deal.  These are just stuck to me with adhesive.  Pulling both off, the machine makes some noise.  The monitor has many buttons, but only one that actually has a 'heart' picture on it, so holding my breath again, I push the button and...
silence.
  Yes!
   My bandaged hand is hurting, and my head is screaming from all this
work
, but I feel kind of excited too.  I just want my own clothes.  That's all.  I hardly think that's too much to ask for.  Right? 
Christ!
  Who the hell am I talking to?  Myself? 
Shit.
  I'm still doing it.  Stop.  Focus on the job at hand.
   I'll leave the pee bag on the sides of the bed, for now.  Looking down, I gently push my hips closer to the edge, and let my left foot touch the floor.  Oh.  It's freezing.  My feet love this!  Pushing further, I force both feet on the floor.  I'm standing.  This is easy.  Holding onto the railing, I put all my weight solidly on the floor, and I actually hold.  I'm fine.  Now I just have to take a step or two. 
  Slowly, I push my right foot forward and it holds.  Following, with my left foot, it works too!  I'm steady enough to move across the room I think.  I'll just go slow, and try to use furniture and my arms to hold me up safely.  So far so good.  At least now I know I
can
walk.  Another potential disaster averted.  My mother would freak out if I couldn't walk.
   Unhooking the pee bag and holding it tightly at the
un-peed
top part, I slowly, tentatively, make my way around the room.  Gripping the chair, and then the walls, I'm going to make it.  I'll try the skinny little closet where Z kept his blanket.  That’s got to have my clothes.
   When I finally get there, which honestly feels like it took me hours, I'm just exhausted.  What the hell do I do now?  I don't want help, but I can't even imagine walking all the way back to the bed.  I'm just too tired.