I am HER... (49 page)

 
"Touch you inappropriately?  Violently?  Abusively?"

 
“Pretty much.”

 
"Did Z hurt you?"
  "God, NO!  He was amazing, well, after the first time at the hotel.  He was always so kind and sensitive, and loving, and really,
really
good at all the sex stuff..."  Big blush. 
Argh.
 
  "That's good.  What do you mean about the hotel?”

 
“Um, he was a little forceful with me… BUT ITS OKAY!  He can do whatever he wants to me... Well, he
could
.  I don’t think he will now.”

 
“How was he forceful with you?”  Mack asks so calmly, it makes it easier to just talk.

 
“He kinda made me, um, have an or-gasm…” I whisper.

 
“Forced you?  Did you tell him to stop?  Did you ask him to stop and he refused?”

 
“Not really… I did say stop a few times, but then I kind of gave in and then kind of wanted him to continue, I think.”

 
“Did you ask Z to stop, and he refused?”

 
“Not really, I guess.  I didn’t really want him to tie up my hands like he did, and I didn’t want him to touch me where he did, and I didn’t really want to have an orgasm… but then I guess I must have wanted him to, because I did have one.  So it all worked out.  I’m fine, right?”

 
“Do you feel like it all worked out well?”

 
“Yes, I think so.  I mean it doesn’t feel like Z did anything
wrong
to me, just more like I was uncomfortable with what he did to me.  But then the after was awesome, so it’s good now, right?”

 
“Do
you
think it’s right?”

 
“Yes.  Z didn’t hurt me.  He did things to me that I didn’t want, but then I did enjoy myself, so it’s okay.  I like what he did to me, and  I
really
liked what he did to me afterwards.”

 
“Okay.  But you can tell me if you change your mind, or feel like Z went too far, or didn’t stop when you asked him to.  I’m YOUR doctor and there is nothing you can’t tell me, about Z or anyone else for that matter.  Understood?”

  “Yes, but Z didn’t do anything wrong.  I
feel
he didn’t.  I only feel good about all the things he did to me.”

  “Okay, good. 
Now I don't have to kick his ass."  That was such a nice thing to say.
  "Thank you for that.  No one has ever defended my honor before."
  "No problem.  You deserve to have your honor defended.  Plus, it would've been fun to kick Z's ass."  Big smile.  God, he really isn't like a doctor at all.

 
Mack slowly sits up, and moves back to the chair beside me.  Z's ‘
faux leather’
 chair.  Squeezing my hand, Mack settles into the chair and extends his legs under my bed.  He looks like a teenager, or something.
  "Is your husband violent or sexually abusive?  Does he hurt you?"  Gulp.
  "He's not violent or
abusive
... He's just not very good at sex, so he kind of hurts me when he does it to me.  I don't think he means to hurt me.  He just doesn't listen to me when I tell him it hurts, or when I ask him to stop.  He gets pretty excited about sex,  I guess I'm lucky he only does it like once a month-ish."
  "Do you understand that you just said you
both
tell him he hurts you,
and
you tell him to stop, but he continues to hurt you, and he refuses to stop?  Do you not see how your husband is both violent and sexually abusive toward you?  If you were anyone else, and you heard those statements, wouldn't you feel as though the person were being violated and abused?"
  "Well, yes, but Marcus is my
husband,
so he's supposed to..."
  "Supposed to abuse and violate you?"
  "Um, no.  But it's not like that.  He just likes to do sex fast and kind of hard against me.  I honestly don't think he means to hurt me, it's just me.  I can't really get, ah,
prepared
for sex, so I'm not really ready
down there
when he starts doing it to me.  Honestly, it's my fault."  Annnnd, another blush.
  "Actually, it is NOT your fault, at all. There are many sexually incompetent men out there.  There are many men who like sex hard and fast.  There are many men who can't even maintain an erection for more than a few moments.  There are countless pills on the market for it.  And there are countless books on how to become a better lover for men...

 
“…There is NOT however, a widespread acceptance that a woman should be torn apart, ignored, violated and abused sexually, just because her
partner
likes it ‘hard and fast’.  Do you understand what I'm saying to you?  Listen to me closely.  Whether you are unprepared for penetration or just don't
feel
like having sex... when you say 'stop', or 'you're hurting me'... everything is
supposed
to stop.  Period.  Just like that.  Your husband did abuse
and
violate you, each and every time you spoke up, and he continued to penetrate you.  That is reality.  And I really need you to understand that reality.  You have choice and options, and you are
allowed
to make sex stop.  No matter whom it is with."
  "Okay, but..."
  "Listen to me.  There are no 'buts',  I
know,
 you know this.  Z told me you once said your husband 'takes you against your will'.  Why are you fighting this reality now?"
  "I'm not
fighting
it, I'm just trying to say that's it's not always that easy.  Sometimes Marcus was just excited.  Maybe Marcus didn't really hear me.  Maybe he meant to stop but was caught up in the moment or something."
  "If Z was caught up in the moment right now, if Z didn't
really
hear you say stop, or if Z was
really
excited... Would it be okay if he continued penetrating you after you said he was hurting you, or if you even said the word stop? 
Shit.
  What do I say? "Fine.  If
I
did all those things, and you told
me
I was hurting you, and you told
me
to stop but I ignored you and continued penetrating you anyway, would that be alright?  Would that be acceptable behavior?"
  "Well, no.  You're my doctor." 
Duh.
  "Forget I'm your doctor.  Pretend I'm just a man. Is. It. Okay?"
  "But we aren't lovers, so..."
  "So Z can hurt you because he is your lover?  Marcus can hurt you because he is your husband?  But if I was really excited, and I ignored you, and I wanted to..."
  "Um...
If you really wanted to
. I guess, I mean, if you were
very excited..."
  What the hell is the right answer here?! 
Christ.
  This is annoying.
  "Is it okay if I
rape
you?" 
Flinch.
 
What?!
 
Fuck!
  "
I don't know,
Mack
, IS IT
?
  Fucking
DOCTOR
Simmons thought it was fine to RAPE ME!  Why not
YOU?!"
  Gulp.  Whoosh. 
There goes my air...
 
Shit.
  Here I go.  Jesus
Christ!
  I can't get any air into my lungs.  Grabbing my own chest, I try to will the air in but nothing is happening. 
Fuck.
  This one is bad.  This one really,
really,
hurts.
  Mack is talking to me, but I can't hear him.  There is so much noise in my head.  I'm screaming I think in my own brain.  Shut up!  What is that noise?  It's like a train, or a loud truck engine... There’s something in my head and everything is spinning now.  I can barely keep my eyes open.
  Oh. My.
God.
  This is it, I think.  My heart is pounding.  I think I'm having a heart attack or something. 
Shit.
  I've felt this before.  When?  What did I do to stop this before? 
Think!
  Mack is in my face again.  I still can't hear him.  There are others here now.  What are they doing?  My bed suddenly drops, and I'm flat on my back.  Why?  I'm still gasping, but nothing is coming in.  My lungs are dying, I know it.  I can
feel
it.
  Ouch, my arm.  There’s a nurse beside me now.  What did she do?  What the
hell
is Mack saying to me?  I see his lip's move, but there is still only this loudness in my head.  What's on my face?  What are they doing to me?  Just help me!  Please,
HELP ME!
 

 
God, I'm tired.  I just need to sleep.  I need this to stop.  I need silence.  And closing my eyes, I feel the pull.  I think this is death coming for me finally.  I think it’s here.  Oh, thank you.  I can't stand this anymore.  Just take me.  I'm
so
tired...

              
                      CHAPTER 25
 

  Waking, I'm alive... and I can breathe.  Yay!  Everything is so quiet.  Looking around, my body doesn't really hurt right now, but my head still throbs.  I wonder if I'll ever have a pain-free head again?
  Where is Mack?  Maybe with Z?  Maybe Mack has finally washed his hands of me.  Maybe I finally said too much.  I knew it would happen.  I knew I would make him leave.  I just didn't know how, but now I do.
  I can't believe what I said to him.  Jesus
Christ!
  I remember Dr. Simmons now.  I remember my mother insisting I visit with him at the hospital.  I remember fighting her.  I remember him showing up at our home.  I remember fighting him.  And then I remember
his
hospital.
  Oh god.  It was brutal.  I remember his words.  I remember his breath.  I remember how gross he was, and I remember how many times I tried to stop him.  He was so fucking gross!
  Oh!  I remember meeting him at one of my mother’s parties with Marcus. 
Shit.
  Dr. Simmons introduced himself and told Marcus 'he was a lucky man'.  What a fucking pig!  Yes, he
knew
what Marcus was getting,
didn't he?
  Ick. 
Oh shit!
Here it comes...
  Leaning over the railing, I dry heave again.  When was the last time I ate?  I wish I had some food in my stomach so barfing wouldn't hurt so much. 
God
, more dry-heaves, and more gagging.  More nothing, but pain.
  Suddenly, there is a nurse beside me with a bedpan, like I need a bedpan.  I’m vomiting...
nothing.
  There is nothing inside me.  I have nothing left to barf.  I am nothing in this moment.

 
"Thank you.  I'm sorry for all this."
  "No problem.  It's my job," she says with a grin.
  "Um, my head is
killing
me.  Do you think I can get some of those pills of yours?"
  "Absolutely.  Are you okay for a minute?  Can you hold this bedpan?"
  "Yes, I'm okay."
  "I'll be right back," she smiles.

 
Once she leaves I try to get comfortable, but nothing works.  No matter which way I lie, my head pounds.  This is honest
agony.
I think I would cut off a limb or something, just to ease the pain in my head for a while.  Maybe if I distribute the pain evenly, I could handle this pain better.  Giggle.  How sick was that?
  "Why are you giggling?  Most people cringe after dry-heaves."
  "I was thinking about cutting off a limb, to evenly distribute my pain."
  "Oh, sadly, I don't think that works.  You would just have 2 types of pain.  But it was a good and thorough hypothesis, nonetheless."  Is she teasing me, too?
  "Are you teasing me?"
  "Absolutely.  Does it bother you?  I just thought you could use a little humor.  Am I wrong?"
  "No.  I like to be teased.  It kind of makes me feel like I'm a part of something, or that someone likes me... I can't explain it, but it feels good."
  "Well, that's good then, because I’m kind of the local smart-ass among the nurses here.  Actually, my colleagues don't like me all that much, but I seem to get on quite well with my patients, so there’s nothing anyone can do about my
smartassedness.
"  What?  How funny.  She makes up words too.
  "I make up my own words too.  Thank you for being nice to me..." and looking I see her name is Kayla. 
KAYLA?!
 
Seriously?!
 "I'm nice to everyone, unless of course, you piss me off- then I make your life a living hell.  Being a nurse makes for an easy Sadist."
  I just pause, look at her, and burst out laughing.  She is so cute.  I don't even care that she's really tall.  She is just so, like normal, or something, but still really nice and beautiful.  Actually, she is just like my
old
Kayla.  And suddenly, I miss ‘Chicago Kayla’ very much. 
  "Why are you crying?"  Am I?  Yup.  Again.
  "I have a Kayla in Chicago.  Actually, I
had
a Kayla in Chicago, and she was tall like you, and funny like you, and a real smartass too, with a crazy sadistic side as well.  You just seem so much like her; it's like a cosmic joke or something."  More tears.
  As nurse Kayla hands me the pills, she continues moving around wires and cords beside me.  She seems to be thinking about something.  God, I hope it's a good thought. 
  "Maybe it's the name.  I've known one other Kayla, and she and I hated each other because we were exactly the same.  We even knew that's
why
we hated each other, laughed about it, then continued hating each other anyway," she says laughing.
  "Maybe it IS the name then."
  "Do you miss her?"