I am HER... (44 page)

 
As if I could hold
that
flinch in. 
Holy shit!
  Did anyone else hear that?  Shit!  I hope the Doctor heard her.  My mother swore...
AND
threatened me at once. 
Christ!
  She's just so EVIL.
 

                                     ==========

 
"How’re you feeling?"  Mack asks while suddenly wheeling my bed down the hall.
  "Um..."

 
"Yeah, I get it.  Your mother is wicked, huh?" 
Wicked?
  Giggle.
  "I was thinking she’s more of a raving fucking bitch, but wicked works too, I guess."  Ooops.  More giggles.  And a swear.
  "Well, I didn't want to say anything so rude about the
lovely
Mrs. Beaumont, but your description certainly works better than mine."

 
Laughter pours out of me.  My eyes are still closed to the lights all around, and tears seep from them, but it feels kind of good to laugh.  I even hear Mack chuckling to himself.
  "Did you hear the last threat?"
  "No.  But I could tell she whispered something while kissing your cheek.  What was it?"
  "'If you don't stop all this
shit,
I will punish you severely'. Isn't she amazing?  No one would ever believe my mother capable of such bad language and threats.  She has everyone fooled- just like I do.  I don’t swear out loud either.  I’m not allowed to, but I swear in my head all the time."  She really does have everyone fooled, doesn't she?  I am sooo
fucked!
  "Does she talk to you like that often?  Has anyone else heard her?"
  "Um... I
think
she does.  I can't remember an actual time though, but I just
know
she does.  And her threat didn't surprise me.  It just seems like something she
would
say to me.   Does that make sense?"
  "Yes.  Your mother would hide that side of herself thoroughly because of her lifestyle and position in her society.  And because you can't remember specifics, it would make it seem highly unlikely to anyone else if you told them.  But I believe you, I assure you.  Your memories seem to be buried behind something, and we need to figure out how to get to them."
  "I don't know about that.  I just know nothing she does or says surprises me.  No matter how mean."  Huh.
 

                                    ==========

  After the MRI, Mack stays with me in my room, and even manages to get me a pair of dark glasses to wear.  He told me he was finished his ‘rounds’ and he could spend as much time with me as I would like.  Do I want that?  I think I do, but I'm not sure why.

 
There is something about Mack which just relaxes me.  He’s easy.  He doesn't look at me like I'm gross.  He doesn't
look
like he pities me.  He just behaves like a normal person would
with
a normal person, though I feel anything
but
normal.
  "Z will be back soon.  He hasn't left your side often, unless, of course, your family was visiting.  Would you like to talk a little while he's away, or would you rather wait for him to return?"
  "I don't know.  What should I do?  What do you want me to do?"
  "It's not about what I want.  Would you like to talk to me in private?"
  "I don't know." 
Shit.
  I'm so confused.
  "Okay, no worries.  How about we talk a little, and if you get uncomfortable and want to wait for Z, we stop.  Just like that."
  "Will you be mad at me if I need to stop?  I really don't want you to be mad.  Please, just tell me what to do.  What do
you
want?"  Christ!  I hate making decisions. 
Really?
  I've never realized that before.
  "Listen to me closely- I need you to understand something very important.  Please believe me when I say,
absolutely nothing
you do or don't do, nothing you say, or don't say is going to anger me.  I am YOUR doctor and I'm Z's close friend, but you are the one here with all the choice, and I will respect your choices with absolutely NO repercussions, I promise.  Do you trust me?"  Um....  "Okay.  Can you at least trust what I just promised to you?"
  "I'll try."
  "Okay."  This is going to be horrible,
I know it.
  "What is the last thing you remember?" Oh.  Blush.
  "Ah, I remember when Z and I... um,
you
know
."  Another blush.

 
"Had sex?" 
Flinch.
  "You remember when you and Z were together.  Z told me that was the night before I met you.  Do you remember meeting me the following morning?"
  "No, I'm sorry.  I'm sure I should remember.  I'm really sorry..."  This seems bad or something.  Is he offended?
  "Listen to me.  I am not angry or offended.  I told you I wouldn't be.  You were suffering at the time.  Medically speaking you were suffering an acute brain trauma.  You were suffering immensely; your
brain
was suffering immensely, so if you don't remember anything the morning we met, it’s absolutely understandable, even typical.  I'm just trying to assess what you do and don't remember.  Please just relax.  We're friends too, and I want to help you.  That's all."
    "Okay.  I'll try to relax.  I just don't remember you, but I kind of
feel
like I know you.  Does that make sense?"  Big inhale.
  "Yes.  You did meet me, so you feel like you know me, though right now you have no cognizant memory of meeting me.  This is all very normal."
  "Oh, well... good then.  Thank you."  Exhale.
  "So you remember when you and Z were together.  How do you feel about that?" 
The sex?
  "I feel fine about it.  Why?  Shouldn't I?  Oh, I shouldn't, right?  I'm still married.  Oh god, I guess I’m a whore now.  I'm sorry Mack.  I don't feel good about it.  I really don't.  It was a mistake.  I didn't mean to do that with Z, and I'm sure he's sorry he was with me..."
  "Actually, I'm NOT sorry, At All,"  Z states walking into the room.

 
"Hello, Z.  Perfect timing.  We were just discovering her last memories...  Would you like to continue with Z in the room, or would you like him to leave?  The choice is absolutely yours.  Isn't it, Z?"
  "Of course.  Whatever you want sweetheart.  I can wait in the hall until you're finished, if you’d like."  Oh, god.  What should I do?
  "Um… please leave.  Just for now!  Please, I'm sorry... I mean, I want you to stay, but...
NO,
its okay.  You can stay.  I'm fine."
  Walking to me, Z takes my hand, and leans over the bed.  Kissing my lips gently, Z seems to exhale into my mouth.

 
Ew.
  When was the last time I brushed my teeth? 
Gross.
  Pulling away, I can't help but just stare at him.  He is so handsome still... So, so beautiful or something.  I feel that pull toward him, but I also feel such sadness.  Why does looking at his face always make me so sad? 
  "Please don't cry, love.  I'm going to go out into the hall, but I'll be back as soon as you want me to return.  I told you before; I'm not leaving you... unless you ask me to."
  "I don't want that.  It's just; you make my heart hurt or something.  I can't really explain it."
  "And
you
make
my
heart happily beat faster." 
Oh god, that was so lovely.
  More tears.
  "Thank you for saying that.  No one says stuff like that to me.  No one feels that way about me.  No one..."
  "It’s okay, sweetheart.  Talk with Mack for a while, and I'll be waiting for you to finish."
  "Okay.  Thank you."  Another big exhale.  When was I holding my breath?
  "There is one thing I
must
say first though.  Sweetheart, I do not regret our time together, and I do not regret making love with you.  You were amazing, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I don't feel badly about it, and I wish you wouldn't either.  As far as I'm concerned, you were separated at the time, therefore, you did not commit an infidelity.  You may see it however you like, but that's how I see it.  I did not feel badly then, and I do
not
feel badly now.  Okay?"
  "Sure..."  Was that convincing?  I doubt it.
  "Talk with Mack, and he'll come get me when you're ready."
  "Thank you."
  Watching Z leave makes me exhale again.  Why is that?  I want him here, I really do, but I can't really talk about the sex stuff with him here because he makes me want
more
or something.  God, I'm so confused and I can’t help crying again.  Oh, Mack is watching me now.  Stop crying!
  "What's wrong?  What are you feeling right now?"
  "I don't know..."
  "Could you try?  Please?  Just look at your feelings, and try to explain them to me."  How?  I have nothing but silence in my head. 

                                 ==========

 
Oh, he's waiting for me to speak. 
Dammit.
 
Fine.
I'll talk.
  "I don't know what I feel at the moment, Mack.  Z is wonderful, and handsome, and, and so
good.
  He’s way out of my league.  So, I know I should tell him to go away and never come back, but I don't want him to leave me.  I want him here, which is selfish and wrong.  He should be spending his time with someone else who is good, and beautiful, and wonderful-
Not
with me.  I
know
that.  Plus, he makes me want things I'll never have, and don't deserve, so he really should go.  But then my heart starts hurting when I see him, and my heart hurts more when I don't see him, and I don't know what to do.  If I was a
good
person, I would make him go away, but I'm
not
a good person, so I want to beg him to stay.  It's back and forth, kind of."
  More silence. 
Jeez...
Is Mack ever going to speak?
  "I don't know what you want me to say.  I feel like I kind of love him or something, and I know I shouldn't, and I know he doesn't feel the same way, and I know he
shouldn't
feel the same way.  I know I’m going to have to go back, and Z will be this, like, really amazing memory that I'll always have, and always pull out when I'm so sad and lonely I could scream.  But that's it.  Z will be no more to me than a memory.  I don't want more than that, and I know he doesn't.  I'm not even sure why he's still here.  He is too good for all this.  I mean really?  What if I'm brain-damaged or something..." giggle “...Sorry.  That's not funny.  I just don't understand why he's here, and I don't really want him here anymore.  He should just go home, or go back to work, or go have sex with some wonderful, beautiful,
good
woman.  Not me.  Not that we’re ever going to have sex again, but if we were going to, I wouldn't do it. I have 2 memories of sex with Z to last me a lifetime..."
  And more Silence.  Come on!  Say
something.
  Don't just stare at me. 
What the Fuck?
  "Why aren't you speaking?  Why are you just staring at me?  Am I a big joke to you?  Why do you ask me to tell you things, and then just mock me when I do?  I thought you were a nice doctor,
Mack
... Not a fucking asshole!  Stop staring at me like that!  What the fuck is your problem?!  Is this funny to you?  The short, round chick crying and tortured over the hot guy she can never have or keep?  Am I fucking funny to you?!  Say something!  For fuck’s sake... SPEAK!"

 
"Why are you so agitated right now?"
  "Because you're being a total Fucking Asshole!"
  "How?"
  "Oh, FUCK
you!
"
  "Please tell me how I'm being a 'fucking asshole' right now?"
  "Finger ‘
air
quotes’?  You just used fucking finger quotes?  Are you fucking mental,
Doctor Mack?
  Who
the fuck
still uses air quotes when speaking?  I thought that went out in, like, the 90's!"  How fucking funny.
  Great howls of laughter burst forth from me, and I can't stop.  What a fucking loser Mack is.  Honest to god.  This is the person who's supposed to
help
me. 
This idiot!

 
My laughter continues.  Great rocking howls of laughter... Oh funny.  Ah, I can barely breathe for the laughter.  Gasp.  More laughter.  Gasp again. 
Shit. 
I can't breathe.  
  "Breathe slowly.  You're starting to hyperventilate.  Just take a slow, deep breathe in, and release it slowly."
  "I... I can't.  Oh, god,
h-help me
.  I can't get a… breath... in."
  "Nice and easy.  You're having a panic-attack.  Look at me.  Just look at me and breathe slowly." 
  "Help me...
please.
"
  "Can I touch you?  I just want to rub your back.  Is that okay?"