I am HER... (20 page)

 
Not convinced, like most women, I find fault all over my body, and I can barely breathe again. Angry with all my drama and insecurity, I give up. Dropping my hands, exhaling hard, I turn my head and mumble, "Fine. Just do it."  But Z doesn’t move.
Christ!
  I am SUCH a loser.
  After forever, I can’t stand the stillness and silence and turn to look at him. Grasping my hair tightly, Z finally kisses me hard. Eating at my mouth, I’m overwhelmed and frightened, but suddenly kind of aroused too. Z takes my hand and places it on his erection. Jolted, I try to pull away, but he keeps our mouths together and my hand in place against him.
  Eventually, Z releases my hair and mouth and once again begins undoing my blouse buttons. Sliding my blouse off my shoulders, he looks at my tight black cami. Knowing my breasts are pushed up and open for him, he kisses the top of my breasts and slides his tongue in my cleavage. I can't feel this.  I’m numb.   But he stops again.

 
Looking at me, he smiles and says, "We'll keep this on then?" I exhale hard. I just can’t be completely uncovered, and somehow he knew it.
  Suddenly, Z tugs at the bodice of my cami, and my breasts push up and out. Taking a nipple into his mouth, his hand holds my other nipple. Sucking and nipping one, tugging and pinching the other, he works me.  I stop breathing. I’m stuck. My hands grip the comforter, but there is nothing, I
feel
nothing, and I think he knows it. 
How humiliating
.
  Inching his hands down my sides, Z slowly lifts my skirt. I can't even move. There is only my silence and my stillness suffocating in the room. Raising my skirt to my hips, Z takes an appreciative look at my black lace panties and rises on his knees again to give me another slow, seductive kiss.

 
Wow.  I
feel
this kiss.  Finally my hands move. Releasing the comforter, my arms circle his neck, pulling him toward me as I kiss him. I WANT to kiss him. I kiss him hard;
my
kiss, NOT his.
  Pulling away, Z shakes his head but smiles. "Not this time, love; this time
I
kiss you.
I'm
giving to you. But when you’re ready I'll let you take what you want and need from me."

 
I am so stunned and embarrassed, and I feel so rejected, I try to pull away but his hands grab my wrists and pull them behind my back. He watches my face like he knows I'm about to retreat.  Holding me in place, Z pushes himself fully between my legs and rubs himself against me. Creating friction with our clothing, I feel physically uncomfortable. My body isn't ready, and I'm dry and uneasy.
  Z seems to feel my retreat. I'm here, but I'm far, far away from him. Moving slightly, I suddenly feel a sash around my wrists. Flinching, I try to pull my hands away while Z grins.  I’m going to hit a full panic any second now.
  "Please don't! I don't like this, Z.  Please
, I'm scared..."
I whisper.
  "Do you believe I’ll hurt you?
Honestly?
Look at your fear. Are you frightened because I
could
hurt you, or because you think I
will
hurt you? Tell me, love. Are you only frightened because your physical control is gone?" Z asks and waits.

 
I can’t face him.  The shaking has increased and I'm so close to panic.  I hate all this drama, and I think he knows it.

 
"Stop, Sweetheart. Breathe. Look at me. I will not hurt you. I
could
not hurt you. I want to give you pleasure
only
.  Look at me!" 
  Turning my face toward him, I try to calm myself. God, he’s so lovely. He has beautiful brown eyes, and a gentle smile, and he is not out of control. He is even and calm, and I see no malice or anger on his face.

 
I'm starting to feel embarrassed again.
Dammit.
I’m behaving like a frightened child.  Embarrassed, I smile slightly and whisper, "I'm sorry." Z smiles back and nods. I think he knows I'm trying.
  Sitting back on his heels, Z looks at my face while sliding his hands back up my thighs.  His eyes on my eyes reassure me. Slipping his fingers under the lace, he touches me there and I know I'm dry.  This is so embarrassing.
  "Well, what should we do about this?"  He questions with a grin. Slowly his hands move behind my butt as he eases the lace down. "Lift, love." And as I lift, Z pulls my panties from my body. And then, he’s looking at me,
down there.
  Shit.  What does he see?
  Turning away, I focus on the window covering.  It’s such an ugly curtain. It’s so dark and old, but at least it keeps the room in near darkness.  I'm slowly slinking away. I'm almost gone. I feel
nothing
... And suddenly my world ERUPTS! Z is pinching my nipples hard, staring directly at my eyes.
  "Stay With ME.  Stay right here. Don't look away. Look at me. Watch
me.
"

  O
nce again, I can barely breathe. Trying to fight the near-panic, I breathe deep and stare back at his eyes as he watches me. Eventually he nods his head again... He seems to know when I'm back with him.
  "You smell like vanilla, Sweetheart. I bet you taste like vanilla too. Shall I give you a little taste...?" 
  Knowing I’m blushing, I shake my head no and
I’
m punished with another little pinch, this time on my body
down there
.  Shit!  I jump on the bed as my legs start shaking.

 
Smiling, Z leans forward, still looking up at my eyes, while extending his tongue as he licks me slowly down
there.
  I’m shocked, embarrassed, and strangely,
slightly
aroused.  Rising quickly, Z gives me a kiss, as if in reassurance.

 
Stunned, I watch as Z dips back down between my thighs.  Once there, Z pulls my body further off the edge of the bed and begins doing all kinds of things to my body at once.

 
I’m lost. I can actually
feel
something inside. There is a flutter. There is
something
... I FEEL this while Z continues to lick and suck at me. I can even hear it, and I feel embarrassed by the noise. Looking up, Z's eyes touch mine, and though I want to retreat, I hold his gaze. Nodding once more, Z continues.
  Lifting my legs, my thighs are placed on his shoulders.  Oh no!  I want this to stop. I feel so alone. I can’t place this feeling. I feel like I’m outside myself, though feeling everything he’s doing to me at the same time.  Z notices my emotional retreat.

 
"Look. At. Me." He demands loudly, as I jump at the force of his words.  "Watch
ME,
" he says, as slowly he impales me with a finger.
  Again, I jump on the mattress, but he’s staring at me, so intensely, I can’t look away.

 
"Watch my fingers. Watch me please you. Watch
me,
Sweetheart."  And sliding his finger in and out of me, his thumb starts a heavy rotation on my clitoris. 
THIS
I feel.
Oh, god...
  With his eyes on my face, and his fingers working me, and the sounds in the quiet room, and the scent of my arousal, the embarrassment is so strong; I'm shaking with the desire to escape. But I can
feel.
There is an internal tugging beginning. Two fingers are now working inside me, and as they turn and reach within me, I am jolted with sensation.
Oh god...

 
Z’s watching me so closely and my reactions are obvious. My legs are shaking. My stomach is starting to contract. My hips are bucking slightly against his hand. I feel a low-level hum beginning.
  Suddenly, Z bends again and his mouth joins his fingers. His tongue is relentless. The humming is getting louder inside me, and my body is reacting to the hum.  I want this suddenly. I want to be
this girl
. I WANT to feel this...
Or do I?

 
Shit!  My brain starts spinning. My head is pounding. All my thoughts and vulnerabilities surface. My panic starts. The coldness settles inside me, and I can’t shut it off.  No! Not now!
Please....
But everything starts receding anyway.
Dammit.

 
Frantically looking at Z, he has raised his head, but his hand is still working me.  I can't stand the look in his eyes. I'm so embarrassed. I want to just die here. I want to leave. I want to retreat. I want to thank him for trying but run away quickly.

 
In a moment of complete insanity, I know I have to finish this.  I’m desperate.  I need to be away from this.

 
Deciding my fate; I arch my hips, pant and moan loudly, and let out a back-breaking scream. And then the room is bathed in complete silence. 

 
Opening my eyes a minute later, I look at Z and his face is hard. Shit. Shit.
SHIT!!

 
Suddenly, he withdraws from me, and as I jump, he growls, "Is that your best, love? If you're going to
fake it
, please put forth a little more effort than
that
.  My ego can only take so much..."

  W
ith no words, I’m watching in horror, as Z rises from his knees and turns from me for the bathroom. He’s left me.  I AM SUCH A LOSER!
  Once alone, I feel like I’m dying. Pulling and tugging at my wrists, I finally get my hands free of the sash. Shaking, I stand fast, grab my blouse and throw my panties into my purse.   Quickly, I run for the door.

 
Jerking my blouse buttons closed, I'm just reaching the door when suddenly
STOP
echoes through the room. Jumping, I turn to see Z leaning against the bathroom door.

 
"I'm sorry. I'm just going to go. Thank you..." Z stalks across the room and grabs my arms hard, while just glaring down at me.
  The silence in the room is oppressive. I need to leave. I can’t stay here anymore. This is done.

 
Watching my face, Z doesn't speak; he’s just standing here silentlyin my face. Staring at me, I can’t tell if I'm in trouble, or if h
e’
s just too disgusted with me to speak.

 
Through the weight of this oppressive silence, I finally just SNAP!
  "
WHAT?!
Why are you just
STARING
at me?? I told you it wouldn't work!!  I TOLD YOU!!  But you were so sure we could have something
special
...
"
I sneer. "I want to leave, okay? Just let me go, Z. Please!"  I'm about to lose it. I know it, and he knows it. I don't do this. I don't lose it in public, at least I didn't before this week.  Shit! One more, "
please..."
I beg.
  Total.  Silence.

  "Are you through Sweetheart? Is there anything else you want to scream or would you like to talk to me about what happened, why you closed down?" He asks so seriously, I feel like a child being scolded. I hate this, and he knows it.
    "No. I'm fine. Thank you, but I really would like to go now. I want to get out of here, okay?" But Z just stares at me.
  Finally, he says, "No, it is NOT okay. But I'm going to give you what you
need
, not necessarily what you want. Do you understand me? Do you understand the difference?"

 
“No.  I don’t know what you mean…”

 
My breath is erratic. My chest is tight. My hands shake, and my head aches. I feel sick. I can't do this. I want to cry. I don't want to do this anymore, and I think he knows it.

 
Suddenly, grasping my chin with a rough hand and pushing his body against mine into the door, he growls in my face, "Cry, Sweetheart. I want to see you cry. Let this out. Be. With. Me, and let me be here
with you
. Right now,
CRY."
  Stunned, I try to pull away. I try to push his body away from my own. I try to rip my jaw free of his hold, but he won't let me.
What the hell?

 
Panic starts to build. I feel it coming. I feel the fear I knew earlier.  I knew this would happen. I knew he would hurt me.
  "Let me go!" I scream in his face, as I push his body once again. Z pushes against me even harder, so I'm trapped against the door.
Fuck!
  "No!  Look at me. Look. At. Me..." he breathes in my face. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you now? Do you?
Answer me!
" He yells.

 
But there is nothing but silence. I can’t even respond. There are no words. I have nothing. I knew this would be bad. I knew this wouldn't work. I knew
I
wouldn't work.
I knew it...

 
Moving his fist to my hair, Z quickly kisses me; a hard, painful, bruising kiss. Again, I am stunned. Pushing his knees into my thighs, I am held hard against the door.