I am HER... (17 page)

 
"Does this conversation make you uncomfortable?"
  "Very much so.  I don't talk about stuff like this.  I'm not that kind of woman.  I don't
do
this.  My life and especially my marriage are, or
should be
private,"  I whine.
  "Yes, they should be private, and I do appreciate your discretion.  However, I am trying to understand your marriage for
your
benefit, therefore, I'm going to ask many
private
questions.  Are you ready, Sweetheart?" 
God, no!
  I HATE this. 
  "Um, no.  I'm not ready.  I really don't know what to say.  I don't know..."
  "Why don't you just answer my questions, then.  Honestly."
  "I'll try..." I whisper.
  "Okay.  In general, would you call your marital relations making love, having sex, or just fucking?"  
Christ!
  I don't know.  It's not like I was an
active participant
.
  "Um... I, I don't know.  I, ah, don't really think about it.  I mean..." 
Shit
.  What
do
I mean?
  "You don't think about it afterward?  Or
during?
"
  "Both, I guess.  It's not really something I participate in..."  Oh, that sounds bad.
  "What does
THAT
mean?" He asks so aggressively, that I feel suddenly threatened
and
embarrassed.
  "It just means that Marcus just kind of did it to me, and I just waited for it to be over."
  "I see."
  "Um, I guess I'm not very good at sex.  Marcus always told me I was frigid, but I'm not.  I mean, I've, you know..."   God, I can feel how red my face is.
  "You've masturbated."  
Oh. My. GOD!
  Kill me RIGHT NOW!
  "Not really.  I mean the shower-head...." 
Seriously?!
  "I'm not good at sex, okay?  So the sex with Marcus wasn't very good.  I know it's my fault, but I just couldn't really get any better.  So, that's it.  I guess when we had sex and it wasn't very good, it was because
I'm
not very good!"  Well, THAT was painful to admit. 
  "How often did you and your husband have sex?"
  "Maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks, like once a month, maybe."
  "Even during the honeymoon period?" 
  "Yes.  Why is this relevant?  Honestly?  I mean who cares how often Marcus had sex with me, or whether I was any good at it, or if I even liked it, or if it hurt?  These questions have nothing to do with where I'm at now."  Deep breath.  Come on, exhale slowly.
  "It
HURT
you? 
Every time
?"  His voice is lower.  Why is
that
the word he picked up on? 
  "Um, not really..." 
  "
Sweetheart,
honesty please..." he growls at me.
  "Fine!  Yes, it hurt
every time
.  I hate sex.  I've only had sex with Marcus and I hate it.  I dread it.  I felt nothing but relief when it was over and nothing but relief knowing that I didn’t have to do it again for 3 to 4 weeks when it was over.  Okay?"  Breathe.  Come on.  Deep breath.
  "Deep breath, love.  I don't want you agitated right now." 
Seriously?!
  "Then stop asking me these questions!  This is hard, okay?  I've never,
ever
talked about sex before, well once I slipped and told my
friend
Kayla something, but she just laughed." 
WHAT A BITCH!
  "She knew the whole time..."  I whisper. 
Shit.
  "…She knew Marcus was a 'Five Minute Man', and she laughed at my description. 
Oh my god
, may- maybe Marcus wasn't a 'five minute-man' with her... Maybe it's just with m- me.  Oh my god, this is so, so embarrassing..."  Gasp.  I can’t breathe!
  "Sweetheart!  Stop this now.  Breathe deeply, right now.  I want you to stop thinking about Kayla, and the
'what ifs'
... We're talking about YOU only.  Not what she did to you.  Not what Marcus said about you.  Nothing else, just
you
.  Breathe, love.  It's just you and me here and nothing, absolutely NOTHING you say to me goes any further, nor will I judge you for anything you tell me.  Please, Sweetheart.  Please, breathe, and trust me enough to talk to me."
  God, his voice is so beautiful and soothing.  I could listen to him always, he is so calming.  I should be worried about any kind of attachment to him under the circumstances, but I don't want to think about it right now.  I
want
to be soothed by him.

 
"I'm going to have to k-keep your voice on retainer for all these p-panic-attacks," I whisper.
  Laughing, Z replies, "No retainer required.  I'm here for free... though usually my services are not cheap.  For
you
however, I'm willing to work pro bono."
  "Thanks.  Pro bono sounds good... for now.  But depending on how good your
s-services
are, I just may pay you in the future."   Wow.  That sounded kind of
sexual.
  Ooops.
  "That sounded a little risqué, love.  Am I bringing out the temptress in you?"
  "Sadly, no.  I have no inner temptress.  I never have." 
  "Well, I'd like to challenge that statement.  But no worries,
that
challenge is for another day, I assure you."  Not today, but
another day?
  Awesome!  No! 
Not
awesome!  Shit!
  "Um, Z?  Can I please let you go now?  I'm feeling a little tired and I would like to go buy a book and just relax a little."
  "Of course.  You don't need to give me any excuses, or explanations.  Please, just speak freely to me.  I understand you have a lot to think about, and you need time to do it."
  "Thank you.  I'm so afraid of being rude to you.  I don't want you to be mad at me..."  Ugh. That was absolutely pathetic sounding.
  "I'm not going to be mad at you for needing time to yourself.  And I'm not that easily upset in general, so just relax." 
Really?
  That’d be new for me in my world.
  "Thank you.  Can I call you later, maybe in a few hours?" 
Please...
  "Of course.  But if you don't call me in a few hours, I WILL be very upset."
  "Okay.  Bye, Z."
  "Enjoy your book hunting, Sweetheart.  Please be well.”

 
That sounded so... so
nice
, but in a good way- not in a Marcus sickeningly
fake
way.  Z sounds like he truly wants me to ‘
be well’.
 
   What the hell am I doing?  I feel like I can actually trust Z.  But that would be insane.  No one can be trusted.  My own father told me that, time and time again.  Yet, here I am... starting to trust a stranger.  I really am a stupid woman.

                                
==========

  When I return from the bookstore, its 5:05.  The selection of 'Erotica' books was seriously lacking, but then again, I now have a taste for the
really
raunchy novels of my favorite dirty author.  Her books, however, I can only buy on Amazon.  I don't think typical bookstores
could
even carry her nasty novels.  Smiling, I can just picture asking Marcus to pick one up for me.  Ha!  He would die of embarrassment.  Too funny.
  My dinner consists of tortilla Chips with nacho cheese, one chocolate bar, a glass of Pepsi, and licorice for dessert.  My parents would be so proud.  Marcus would have a stroke.  Oh well, what they can't see, won't hurt them.  Curling up in bed and propping the pillows, I crack the spine of my new dirty novel... 

 
Okay
, so it’s been an hour and I'm bored to tears.  I barely even remember what I’ve read.  This isn't so much filthy as just kind of
slightly
dirty. 
Boring!
  My favorite author did me in.  She set the bar too high for filth.  So closing my eyes, I decide to rest for a minute, and I'm done...

                                
==========

  Waking to my phone ringing, I panic.  I haven't heard from Marcus or my parents all day, and somehow that doesn't sit well.  Their lack of interference seems really bad.  Oh no.  What are they planning?  What are they
waiting
for?!  What are they going to do to me?!
  Panicking, I look and it’s Z.  Grabbing my phone I almost scream at him, "I'm in trouble, I think!"
  "Why?  What's happened?  Where are you?!"
  "I'm still here.  I just woke up, but there’s something wrong... I can
feel
it.  I'm not crazy Z, I'm not!  It's just I KNOW something’s wrong." 
  "Breathe Sweetheart, and tell me what's been going on."  Breathe. Gasp?  No!
  "I fell asleep.  What time is it anyway?"
  "11:45. I waited to call you.  I wanted you to call me, but I just couldn't wait any longer. What has you nearly in a panic?"  Wow.  I've been asleep for that many hours?
  "Nothing’s happened. 
Nothing at all.
 
THAT’S
the problem.  I haven't heard from Marcus, or from my parents.  Can't you see?  That means they’re preparing something bad, something
big
."

 
God, I’m so screwed.  Z can't help me with this.  He can't.  It's going to be too big.  I have to tell him to get out now.
  "You can't help me! Honestly, I'm not trying to sound all dramatic, but I know them!  They’re planning to get me.  They
always
get me.  Whatever they’re planning to do is too big for me to fight... It's too big for
you
to fight.  You don't even know me.  You shouldn't get involved in this.  This is going to be... very,
very 
bad for me, Z."
    "I think you mistake me for someone who breaks easily, love.  I'm not that weak, nor do I cave to others' demands.  Don't worry about me, at all.  Worry only about yourself."
  "But I DO worry about you.  Z, they’re very rich.  They have sooo much money, and influence, and
friends
.  You can't possibly help me.  They’ll find a way to hurt you too if they think you
are
or
have been
helping me. And I really don't want that.  I don't want you hurt because of me.  I'm sorry, but I have to go.  Thank you, sincerely."  Breathe, Dammit!
  "DO NOT HANG UP ON ME!  I won't stand for it.  If you hang up now, I'll just be at your door in minutes.  Listen to me closely.  I am not afraid, nor can they hurt me."
  "Yes, they can.  And they will.  They always get what they want. 
Always.
  I'm going to be punished for daring to embarrass my family by leaving Marcus.  They’re going to find something to use against me, to force me to g-give in.  I can
FEEL
it.  I
know
it, Z!"  Shit!  Where is all the air? 
  "Listen to me.  They cannot hurt me.  I too have money..."  I snort at his words.  "…I have
a lot
of money, and influence, and
‘friends’
, as you call them.  They CAN NOT hurt me!  Do you know who I am?  Have you never researched me?"  What?
  "Um, no.  Why would I?  That's rude." 
Seriously?
  Who researches people?
  "
Rude?
  Ha!  That’s very naive, love.  Everyone researches everybody else.  Everyone wants to find the 'thing' which gives them an advantage over someone else." 
  Shocked, I ask, "Did you research me?"
  "Of course I did.  You were intriguing to me from the moment we spoke.  I heard the reserve in your voice, and the manic attempt to hold control.  I heard you lose it, and I had to know who you were." 
Really?
  Well, this is a surprise.  No one ever wants to know me.
  "What... What kind of research did you do on me?  I think I'm very uncomfortable suddenly.  I feel like you have something on me.  Do you?  Can you hurt me?"  I'm going to freak out any second here.  I can't trust anyone!
  "No, I have nothing to hurt you with.  That wasn't my intention.  I wanted to know you, not what you may or may not have done.  I was only looking for a clue into the mind of this strange, intriguing, slightly erratic, attractive woman, with the beautiful lips and the alluring eyes..."  Well,
that
sounded nice.  "... And I would NEVER hurt you.  I told you that in the beginning, and I keep my word...
ALWAYS.
  Knowing I researched your background changes nothing." 
  "It does for me.  We're not on even footing.  You have an advantage over me.  I have nothing but a funny last name.  That's all.  It's really quite unsettling, and unfair."
  "You could ask me anything, and I will always tell you the truth, barring any issues of confidentiality, or discretion and the sort.  Ask me anything, Sweetheart.  I don't hide, and I don't cower.  There is nothing that can hurt me."
  "God, I wish I was as confident as you."
  "You will be.  By the time I'm through with you, you will exude confidence, and power.  No one will ever again force their will upon you... Well...
except for me
, of course."  Again, I hear his smile-voice.  I love hearing it.  It's sexy and charming. 
HE
seems sexy and charming.