I am HER... (13 page)

 
The desk is tidied of pens, ruler, and coffee cup.  My laptop is closed down.  The throw blanket is placed neatly over the arm of my love seat.  The pillows are fluffed.  The coffee table is cleared.  Mugs are returned to the dishwasher.  The clock is in its proper place in the corner.  Its 8:35, and I settle in with my dirty book in my proper, tidy sunroom.
 

                                 ==========

 
Waking.  I'm startled by a sound.  What is that?  Standing, I'm instantly on alert.  Who is it?  "Marcus?" I call out, but there’s no reply.  "Hello?” 

I
hear loud noises and a bang. Oh, I think that’s keys dropping by the door.  Walking toward the foyer I call out again nervously, "Marcus?"
  "Yes, honey.  Who else would it be?" He slurs.  Has he been drinking?

 
Walking toward him, I'm shocked.  Marcus rarely drinks, and certainly not enough to slur his words.
  "Marcus.  Are you alright?"
  "Yup.  I'm fine.  How are you?  You look better.  Did you have another
relaxing
day at home?"  He grins.
  "I worked all day, actually.  And it was not relaxing in the least.  Where were you?"
  "I went for a drink with Stephen and Kyle after work.  Why?  Are you gonna give me hell?"
  "Um, no.  How did you get home?"
  "I drove. 
And yes...
I know I probably would have been arrested if the police caught me, but they didn't catch me... so good for me,"  he smiles.
  "Why didn't you call me to pick you up?  Or call a taxi?  Why would you drive like this?" I am just stunned. 
Marcus?
  Drunk
driving?
  What the
hell?
  "Well, I didn't want to
bother
my wife.  You see, my
wife has been very distant, and
dramatic
lately.  And though I love her, I can't stand her when she acts like this.  So, I chose not to disturb my
wife
when she’s
relaxing
at home after
I
worked all day."
  "Marcus.  I'm right here.  Why don't you just say whatever you want to say?  Please stop all this passive-aggressive shit, and just say what you want."   There!  AND I said shit out loud, which I never do... I say shit in my head...
A LOT
.  But NEVER out loud. Marcus must be horrified.
  "Well,
Honey
... I think I just did.  Don't try to out-smart me, you won't win. I'm much smarter than you, any day of the week."

 
Wow. 
Really?
  I seem to remember my GPA was much higher than his, AND my college was ranked higher, but whatever...
   "Okay.  I won't try to
out-smart
you, honey.  Have a good night.  I'm going to bed."
  Turning to walk away, Marcus grabs my wrist hard, and spinning me toward him he tries to kiss me. 
What the hell?
  Marcus doesn't kiss.  ‘It's
gross’,
he says.  I wonder if it’s gross with everyone... or just with
me?  Actually, I don't want to know.

 
Trying to pull my arm from him, I bark, "Marcus, leave me alone.  I’m going to bed, ALONE."  Christ!  ‘Leave me alone’ seems to be my theme tonight.
  Suddenly, his hands are pushing at my pants and he’s trying to pull them off me.  "Stop!  Now, Marcus!" I scream.
  "I don't want to.  I'm going to
show
you how good I am in bed. 
You're
the problem you know,
honey
.  Not me.  You're the one who isn't any good at sex.  I've had lots of sex, and NO ONE complains about me.  You're the ONLY one complaining."  Lots of sex, huh?  Sex with the TWO women before me… I'm
so
sure. 
  Thrusting his fingers down my pants in between my legs, his nails scratch my lower stomach.  SLAP!!  I actually slapped Marcus! 
Jesus!
  I think he’s as shocked as I am. Grabbing his cheek, he just stares at me cold and kind of scary looking.  Oh, I don't like this look.
  Backing up a step, "Leave me alone!  I swear to god, Marcus, if you touch me one more time, I’ll leave you.  I'll be gone and YOU can explain to everyone that I left you because you tried to take me against my will...
AGAIN!
"
  "What the FUCK are you talking about?!  I've never taken you
AGAINST YOUR WILL!!
  You're fucking crazy!!  Women
love
fucking me!  You're the only one with a problem.  I'll say it again,
honey
...  You’re The Problem.  Not me!!"  
What?
  What the
hell
is he talking about?  "Your fucking parents warned me about you!  They told me you
might
be some trouble.  They said you act up and get all strange every once in a while, but I thought you were gonna be fine.  I thought I could help you.  I thought being with me was a good thing for someone like you!" 
Someone like me
?  Like
what?

 
"You’ve barely acted up in 6 years, until this week.  Not since we were first married, except for that one time two years ago.  I called your parents by the way, and they told me to IGNORE you!  Even they don't want to deal with you!  No one wants to deal with you.  Your
friend
Kayla?  She feels bad for you, that's all.  After she and I had sex, she wanted to be your friend, Out Of Guilt... Not because she actually
LIKED
you!"

  
Oh. My. God
.  Kayla slept with Marcus?  When?  Where was I? 
When?
  I can't breathe. Suddenly gasping for breath, I stumble away from Marcus.
  "Honey?  Oh, for fuck’s sake!  Stop being so melo-dramatic!"
  "G-good night, Marcus…" 
CHRIST!
I’m always so polite.  I'm going to throw-up, but I can't even catch my breath to vomit.
   "Shit, honey, I'm sorry.  Get some rest... You'll feel better tomorrow."

 
I can’t stand it anymore.  I can't be here anymore.

 
"Honey?  Look, we'll talk in the morning, okay?  Honey?"

 
I can't think anymore.  I can't see anymore.  I can't breathe anymore.  I can't
be
anymore...
  My knees collapse on the stairs, and I can feel Marcus watching me.  Using my arms to pull at the spindles, I try to get to my room.  It takes hours but I can't move any faster.  I can’t feel my arms or legs, and my chest is so tight; I think I’m having a heart-attack.

 
Please...
get me to my room.  Get me out of here.  I am going to die before I make it to my room...
  Closing my eyes, I gasp.  My breath is coming in little infrequent puffs of air.  There is not enough air.  My door is so close.  If I could just crawl a few more steps, I’d make it to my room. 
Please...

 
And slowly I make it.  Closing the door behind me, I turn and lock it.  Leaning against the door, I try to breathe.  I just need a little breath in, and a little breath out, but there’s not nearly enough air.  I have a kind of tunnel vision and my body is shaking uncontrollably.  Everything is turning numb. Where is all the
AIR?!
  WHY IS THIS
HAPPENING
TO ME?
 
Please...
Opening my eyes, I see my bed.  Oh god, I need my bed.  I just need to lie down for a minute then I’ll be fine.  Crawling, my stomach cramps, and my legs give out, so I begin dragging myself across the floor to my bed.   Just a little more and then I can stop.  I can stop
everything…

  No, I can't stop.  I
WON’T
stop.  I won’t let Marcus kill me here.  Reaching for my phone I dial and thankfully…

 
"…
please... h-help meeee…"  I wheeze.
  "Jesus
Christ!
  Breathe Sweetheart.  Listen to my voice.  Listen to me now.  Come on.  I want you to listen to me.  I want you to breathe in and out slowly.  Sweetheart, are you there?"
  "I can't... it hurts..." I whisper.
  "I know it hurts.  Come on, love.  Breathe with me.  Take gentle breaths in and out, nice and slow.  Breathe.  That's good, but you can do better... Breathe, Sweetheart.  Where are you?"
  Gasping, "floor... bed... room..."  God, I am so tired, even speaking quietly is exhausting. 
  "Breathe, Sweetheart!  Stop this, RIGHT NOW!!  Focus on my voice.  Focus on me.  I'm giving you my breath.  Can you feel it?  My breath is slowly filling your lungs.  Can you feel my breath?  Sweetheart?  I asked if you can feel my breath."
  "Yes... I can... It’s...easi-er."
  "Focus on my voice.  I'm rubbing your back and neck.  Can you feel me?  I'm slowly breathing for you.  Do you feel my breath in your lungs?  Sweetheart?  Can you feel me?"
  "Yes... Thank y-you.  I'm bet...ter." I gasp.
  Marcus is suddenly pounding on my door.  No!  Not now!  Not Marcus.  I can't deal with him anymore.  I can’t deal with any of this because I’m just trying to
breathe
right now. 
Oh god.
  Wheeze.
  "Is that your husband?"
  "Yes.  He w-wants in... He can't..."  Gasp.
  "Ignore him and stay with me.  Breathe, love.  It's almost over.  You're coming back now, I can hear it.  Listen to
MY
voice!  Not his..."

 
There’s even more pounding and yelling from Marcus.  Ugh.  Why won’t he leave me alone?

 
"Is he trying to help you or hurt you?"  Z demands.
  "Hurt..." I moan.
  "Ignore him.  Just stay with me, and breathe.  Come on... in and out, slower.  Come on, nice and slow..." 
  My head is pounding in tune with Marcus’ hammering on the door now, and my arms and hands are all tingly, but my vision is better.

 
"What is he saying?  Why is he trying to hurt you?"
  "Drunk.  Not n-nice Marcus..." I whisper.
  "Okay.  I'm going to keep talking to you, but I'm on my way over."
What?
  No!
  "No.  My door is locked... He was mean w-with words... He won't hit me… He’ll just
take
me."
Shit.
  Did I just say that?  Based on Z's growl... yes I did. "It’s okay.  I- I'm the problem again... it’s always me.  I’m always the problem.  It’s always me, because I, I’m always the problem
…
”

 
"Sweetheart, breathe slower.  You’re getting upset again.  I want you to stop talking about him and focus on me.  Come on, I want you to breathe slowly.  It's almost passed."  Has it?  Yes it has.  I can almost pull in a full breath.

 
Marcus has stopped banging and yelling too. 
Thank god
.  I can't even look at him right now.  Go away Marcus,
forever...
  "Thank you.  I'm so s-sorry about this.  I didn't know who else... Your v-voice helps... I can hear it and I breath...
better,
"  I whisper.
  "I'm glad you called.  Don't be sorry.  If my voice helps you, than I’m very pleased.  Breathe, Sweetheart.  Don't get worked up again.  You're doing very well."
 "Thank you.  I'm very tired now.  I need to sleep…."

 
"NO!  Stay on the phone with me a little longer.  Just so I know you’re really okay.  Stay with me... for now."

 
"Okay... for now.  I'm almost better.  My chest doesn't hurt that much anymore."

 
Then I realize, my heart actually hurts, not my lungs or chest any longer.  I think I actually feel
broken-hearted.
  Weird.  I didn't think I would feel anything for Marcus. 

                                 ==========

 
After a long silence between Z and I, while my breathing becomes almost completely normal, I just can’t hold my tongue.  I have to know, and Z doesn’t strike me as the type of person who cares about direct questions.

 
"Why did you sleep with Kayla?  Was she really good in bed?  I bet she was."  What? 
  "Um, I wouldn't know, Sweetheart.  I've never had sex with Kayla."  He states calmly.
  "Yeah, right.  Please d-don't lie to me.  It's none of my business anyway.  Actually, never mind.  I don't want to know.  I've heard enough about Kayla's sex life this evening."
  "I did
not
have sex with Kayla, nor do I plan to.  Why do you think I have?"
  "Um, she said last night you both talked about me... And I assumed it was in your hotel room, or in her apartment, or..." 
in the backseat of a rental car, or behind a dumpster, or...
  "Did Kayla say we had sex?  If so, it's not true.  I do not lie, love.  And I certainly don’t lie about sexual relations.  I don't discuss them period." 
  "Oh.  Sorry."  Big exhale.  YES!  They DIDN’T have sex!  Why am I so
relieved
?
  "Why do you sound so relieved?  You just had a very long, slow exhale." 
   "It's nothing.  It’s none of my business..."
  "Yes.  You've already said that, and yet you’re relieved.  Why would it bother you if I had sex with Kayla?"  He demands.