I am HER... (21 page)

 
Moving his left hand, he pushes down my blouse, wrenching buttons open as he grabs my nipple. Screaming into his mouth, he pinches and plucks my nipple, rolling it in his fingers.

 
My hands push against him. I try to fight him, and I punch him in the chest, hard. Grunting; Z stops kissing me long enough to smile wickedly at me.
Oh my god...
  So quickly I'm shocked, Z spins us further into the room and onto the bed. Pinning me beneath him, he straddles my hips as I continue to fight with my hands. Catching my wrists easily, Z grabs the sash he used earlier from the bed with his teeth and begins to tie my left wrist. Pulling me up by my hair, he forces the sash behind my back and begins to tie my other hand. My arms are trapped at my sides as he pushes me back to the bed.

  S
creaming loudly, I dig my heels into the mattress and try to buck him off me.  Clamping his hand hard on my jaw once more, Z leans in and says calmly, "If you scream again, and it is
NOT
from pleasure, I will gag you." Once again, I am just
shocked
into silence.  "You need this. I want to be the man who provides this to you. You
need
this, love. You need...
ME
."

 
I can only pant and stare at his eyes.  What have I done? What will
he
do?
Oh god...
  A full panic-attack sets in. So hard and fast, I am desperate for air. I’m gasping and struggling.  Nearly overcome with blindness, I’m suddenly lifted into his arms.
  "Breathe with me. Come on. Listen to my breath. Come on, Sweetheart, just listen to my voice and breathe with me, “ he murmurs as I fade away...
  Slowly, the room comes back. Slowly, I match his breathing. Slowly, I breathe for him. Even as time passes, I don’t move.  I do nothing.  I just want to lay here and die here...
alone.
  "You really have to stop doing that, Sweetheart. I don't like to see you so pale and shaken. I’ll tell you again... I WILL NOT HURT YOU. Can you hear me? Do you understand me?" I nod slowly, but can’t speak.
  Z gently lays me back down on the bed. Adjusting my arms, so my hands remain tied and restrained by my sides, he lays down beside me. I'm still trapped, but with him beside me, not straddling me, I feel less fearful. I'm still horribly intimidated, but less frightened.
  With the panic-attack over, I feel exhausted, and raw. Every sense is acute and on the surface. I'm struggling with my equilibrium. I’m struggling with my control.  I'm struggling to maintain my life.  
I'm struggling...
  "Cry, sweetheart..." Z whispers, tracing my features with gentle fingertips.
  I am so lost, I feel like I'm losing my mind. This wasn't supposed to be like this.  We barely know each other, but we're friends,
kind of
. Z has kept in touch with me this week.  He has kept me somewhat grounded.  We built up to this moment. This should have been easy, after all the teasing, and all the honesty. Z should have had a good time without all this heaviness.
  "I don't want to cry..." I whisper.
  "I know, but as I told you before... I'm going to give you what you
need
, not always what you want. Cry, sweetheart. Wipe this all away..." he whispers in return.

 
With my control gone, I just…
snap
.

 
I've lost it. I've lost everything. I don't even feel me. I can't feel.  I am
lost.

 
Sudden, great, wretched sobs rack my body as my stomach turns. Fighting nausea, fighting this crippling weight, I lurch to my side as Z tucks me into his chest. Rubbing my back, while murmuring soothing words into my ear, I sob.

 
There is no consciousness. There is no pleasure. There is only unbearable
pain.
  Sobbing… minutes pass, hours, days and months. My sobbing slows and I finally breathe. There is nothing left. There is just
nothing...

                                
==========

  Becoming aware, I feel only confusion. Jumping, I try to sit up, but Z still holds me tightly in his arms, while he gently wipes my face with a tissue.

 
With a grin, he whispers, "Welcome back. How do you feel, love?"

 
But I can't seem to find my voice. Maybe it's gone. Maybe I
HAVE
lost my mind. Maybe
, I’M
gone.
  "No, love. No more thinking today- just feeling. That's all you have to do. That's all I want for you. 
Feel
Sweetheart, nothing more. Can you do that?"  But before I can answer, Z takes my lips once again, but this kiss is different. This kiss crosses between urgency and sweetness. This kiss consumes me.
  My arms start to pull at the restraint. I want to feel him. I want to hold him closer. I
need
to touch him.

 
"
Please..."
I beg while pulling at my arms trapped by my side, but he shakes his head 'no' with another grin.

 
Leaning in to kiss me once more, Z fully unbuttons my blouse and pushes it wide again. Kissing my lips, his hands tuck back under my tight cami and lift my breasts up and out. Moving slowly, his hands trail down my stomach, further, further, until he reaches the hem of my skirt. Lifting it slowly, I can feel my nakedness.
  Pulling away, Z watches my eyes as he works his mouth down to my breasts. Latching onto a nipple, I jump, and my body arches closer to him.

 
Z continues to watch me, as his hand slides through the folds of my vagina.  Gently, he touches me. Gently, he suckles me. And I hear, to my shock, a moan escape my lips. Z's eyes crinkle as he watches me.

 
Again, I moan.
WOW!
I
FEEL
this. I can feel his touch. I
WANT
to feel his touch.  What do I do now?
  "Don't think," he states. And closing my eyes, I try to feel... "Do you trust me, Sweetheart?"  I hear him, but I can’t answer. Oh god, I don't want to ruin this feeling with honesty. I can't answer him.  “Okay. Do you trust me not to hurt you?"
  "Physically?" I ask, as he laughs.
  "Always the pessimist… yes,
physically
. Do you trust me with your body? Do you trust me with your pleasure?"
  I can only answer, "I, I
think
so."

  Z
chuckles at my reply, but it's like a switch has been thrown.  Z slides down the bed between my thighs once again. 
Oh, god
... I want to panic. I want to kick him away. I want to stop, but I tighten my stomach muscles, and say nothing.
  Shaking his head, Z murmurs, "Nice try, love. Lie still and try to relax. I know what
I'm
doing, even if you don't." 
What?!
  What an Asshole, and as if he read my mind, Z laughs and bites my upper thigh lightly in punishment. And then, I'm done.
  Stroking my vagina with his tongue, I am engulfed in the pleasure.
This is amazing.
  His tongue is incredible. His fingers enter me slowly and I actually begin to writhe on the bed trying to get closer. I can’t believe what’s happening to me. A moan escapes my mouth.  Panting, I'm overcome with the pleasure fluttering inside me.  I want him deeper. I want more.
I want...
  As time fades, the tension inside me is building and my muscles are straining. As Z moves my legs up and out, I know I should be so embarrassed, but I can't feel embarrassment right now, I just feel him, all of him. I feel his tongue and his fingers. I feel his breath on me. When he blows on my clitoris my body jumps at the sensation. He impales me quickly with two fingers and my back arches. He licks me all over, and a moan bursts from me.
Oh. My. GOD!
  Suddenly, I feel it. I know this feeling. I've had it with the shower-head before.  But not like this; this is different.  I've had this feeling...
kind of
.  I know this tightening inside. I know this heart pounding. I know this need clawing in me as Z increases the pressure with his tongue.
  "Ahhhh...
Z?
Ummm... What do I do?"

 
There is urgency now. My body feels suspended and chaotic. 
"Z?"
  Ignoring me, he just seems to work me harder. My body is tighter, and everything hurts with the building tension inside.

 
"Z...? Please, help me.
Ummm, help..."
I moan and close my eyes again. I feel it all. This is brutal. This is awful. This is pain and tension. This twisting of my insides is agony...
  Suddenly, Z whispers, "Let go, love..."
and I do
.

 
Climaxing; everything explodes forth from me with a scream.  My body arches and my legs coil up on themselves.  My heart is racing. My hands are strained and grasping the bed. My neck is corded and tight. My mind goes from madness to calm.
  There is nothing here. There is nothing left.  I am nothing.  Floating away...
I am gone.
 

 
                                    ==========

  W
aking in Z's arms, I realize I’m not alone and I feel an unexpected
happiness
.  Z is kissing my brow, and my hands are against his chest. When were the restraints removed? How long have I been unaware?
  "How are you feeling?" He asks with a grin. But I can't even answer, I'm still too mindless and limp, as I just stare at him in a trance.
  Time continues to pass. I don't know what to do now. What do I say to him? Do I thank him? What's next? Shit.  I don't know what to do.
  "Always thinking...
relax,
Sweetheart. We don't need to talk about this right now. We have time. We have forever to work you out."  With another grin, he rubs his cheek against my hair, and exhales.
  "Um... What about you? Ah, do you want to have sex now? It's fine. We can if you want to..."  God, I'm going to die of embarrassment again.
  Z leans over my body and looks into my eyes.  "No. I'm in no need right now. There is always next time, and hopefully you’ll be able to relax easier next time we’re together.” 
NO?!
   “Oh, look at your face... always so sensitive and insecure. Of course, I
want
you- very badly in fact.  But I would rather have you when you
want
to have me, not when you feel
obligated
to have me."

  S
miling, Z bends and kisses me so tenderly, I feel confused and relieved. I feel suspended between what I have known, and what I now know.
  "I should go then," I whisper, trying to look away from his intense stare.
  Holding me in place, he whispers in return, "This isn't done, Sweetheart. I'm going to teach you and you’ll learn many pleasures. I will guide you, because you are mine to teach." 
  "No, Z. I am
mine
. But I WILL try to see you again, and I WILL try to relax if we see each other again."

 
“We’ll see each other again, Sweetheart…
soon
.  Trust me.”

 
  Rising from the bed, I close my blouse and straighten my skirt. My panties are still in my purse and I'm glad I don't have to suffer the embarrassment of looking for them.

 
Walking to the door, I turn to Z as he gracefully lifts from the bed. Stalking toward me, Z smiles and suddenly drops to the floor to replace my heels.
  "I think you were running away without these babies last time," he says with a smirk.
  Standing, Z takes my face in his hands and kisses me so gently, my
heart
feels it. I don't know what I feel, but sadness is buried deep in this moment. I like this feeling; it’s kind of hopeful… or something
close
to hopeful, anyway.
  Pulling away from the kiss, Z smiles at me once again.  "Drive safe, love. I
will
see you soon, and I will call you sooner... because you are
mine,
whether you believe it or not."

 
And before I can argue his statement, he quickly opens and pushes me out the door, laughing. 

 
OH MY GOD!
  What just happened?! Whatever it was, it was AWESOME!  Well, the second part was awesome, the first part was…
intense.
  But that was the best
non-sex
sex I've ever experienced.  Running for my car, I jump in giggling.  That was
AMAZING!!
  Almost back at the hotel, I realize I'm still driving with a ridiculous grin on my face. 
Jeez...
other drivers seeing me must think I'm crazy.  I don't care!  That was great, and Z was amazing.  I should call him.  So dialing and smiling, I wait out the second ring.
 "Hello, Sweetheart.  How are you since I last saw you 15 minutes ago?"  I can hear his smile-voice and I
love
it.
  "I'm good.  I, ah, just wanted to say thank you.  I had a
really
nice time with you this afternoon."  Oh!  What if he didn't?  Damn, my mood plummets.  "Um, I don't expect anything, I just wanted to say thank you..."  I'm so pathetic.
   "Sweetheart, relax.  I, too, had a very good time, once you relaxed a little.  See?  Isn't
relaxation
good for you?"   Yes!
  "Ah, yes.  I'm glad I
relaxed
too.”