I am HER... (25 page)

 
Oh. My. God
.  He DID screw me!  Well,
not literally
, but close enough! 
SHIT!
  "Sweetheart, you need this week off to figure out what you're going to do, and since you so efficiently submitted your reports on Friday afternoon, there’s no reason for you to be there tomorrow.  It's the perfect week to have off."
  "But I can't!  Shit, Z.  Why would you do this to me? 
HOW c
ould you do this?  Shields hates people taking their vacation time.  He doesn't actually
say it
, but he lets us
know it
.  He’s going to be so mad at me.  He's probably already looking for my replacement.  OH MY GOD!  What have you done to me?!"

 
I can't breathe again.  Shit, this is brutal.  Why would Z do this?  He doesn’t know what I need. I didn’t want any time off.  I already had last week and that was enough.  I’ve already planned my morning tomorrow.  I’ll be fine.  I’LL BE FINE! 
SHIT!
  "Breathe slowly.  Come on, Sweetheart..."
  "I'm not your S-SWEETHEART!  I'm your NOTH-ING!  You’re s-screwing me over, just like them.  Is this f-fun for you?  Why? 
WHY?!"
   Shit.  Breathe.  My vision is getting weird again.
  "Stay calm.  Right now.  Stop doing this to yourself.  I hate it!  Stop it, NOW!" He roars in my face while gripping my upper arms.
  I am so shocked and scared of him suddenly, that I try to lunge away from him.  Grabbing my arms harder, Z easily pulls me back, until I'm half across his body, and half kneeling on the floor. Closing his knees around my waist tightly, Z holds my hands against his thighs.

 
The pain in my back is excruciating.  What the hell is he
doing?
  Is he going to spank me or something?  I don’t know what to do right now.
  "STOP THIS NOW!  I will NOT tell you again.  You DO NOT run from me. I’m helping you, though you are too stubborn to see it.  You are being self-destructive in your insecurity and fear of others' assistance.  I will not allow it anymore.  You
AGREED
to let me help you, and that’s what I intend to do.  Stop this
NOW!
"  And I do.  My struggling ceases as I glare at him.
  "You had this year
and
last year’s time earned, 4 weeks in total.  I merely pointed out to Shields that if the company is audited, which it probably will be due to the new Phoenix Acquisition, he’ll have trouble on his hands.  You’re not the only one I mentioned.  And I can guarantee you many other employees will be forced to take vacation days in the coming weeks..."  Deep breath for both of us.

 
"I did not
hurt
you
or
your employment. You are just as secure in your employment as you always were, except now you have a little time to figure out what you're going to do in your personal life.  You
need
this time. Can you imagine yourself arriving to work in the morning to face Kayla?  Can you imagine facing all the strange eyes and questions of your co-workers after what happened last Wednesday?  I can't. You are amazing, but yo
u’
re still struggling right now... today even, and adding to that pressure was going to be too much, I believe.  Therefore, I intervened.  This is a good thing for you.  You don’t have to face anyone, or you can
choose
to face everyone.  Do you see what I did FOR
you?"
  I force myself to take deep, calm breaths.  I’m still shaking with my initial rage, but my adrenaline is fading. 
Christ!
  I'm all over the place.  I'm tranced-out, crying, hungry, tired, and angry, all in the span of an hour.  This is too much.  Maybe, Z is right.  It's all too much.  I really can't handle much more.  Shit.  He’s just like Marcus and my parents.  Everyone knows best.  He was right, and I was wrong. 
Oh, the story of my life...
  "You're right, and I'm wrong.  That really does seem to be my theme song.  I'm sorry I acted childishly Z.  I was just taken by surprise.  You're absolutely right.  I'll just stay here and, and
think
.  Thank you for intervening and making the decision for me.  I really appreciate what you’ve done."  I can hear the defeat in my own voice, and it’s a sound I’m quite familiar with.
  "Please, Sweetheart.  I wasn't hurting you.  I was
helping
you.  You really do need this time to yourself."
  "Yes, I know.  Thank you again.  I'm just going to go to bed now, because I'm pretty tired.  But I would appreciate it if you left.  I'm fine, I really am, but I would like to be alone now.  Okay?"
  "No.  I told you I was staying the night and I meant it.  You can ignore me, talk to me, or try to beat the shit out of me, but regardless, I'm staying with you tonight." 
God,
he’s such an Asshole! 
  "Fine!  You won!  Jesus!  Go celebrate your victory or something!”

 
“Nope.  I’m staying right here tonight.” 
  “May I use the washroom and brush my teeth alone, or do you have to follow me?!"  I’m angry again?  God, calm down.  I’m like a full out, up and down, back and forth
Psycho.
  "No, I won't follow you.  Use the washroom.  Brush your teeth.  But don't be long.  After 10 minutes I'll break the door down, Sweetheart.  Don't push me," he growls the warning.
  "You know, you're being a real
asshole
right now.  You ruin
MY
life and then punish
me
for it.  I don't understand you at all.  At least I understand Marcus..."

 
Ouch!  Z grabs my face in his hand, so suddenly; I'm shocked into silence again.

 
"Don't EVER compare me to your husband.  You're right!  I am
NOTHING
like him.  And don't make the mistake of thinking I ever will be.  Now go use the washroom." He barks while pushing me away from him.

 
Shit.
  Z looks really angry.  I don't like this Z. 
THIS
Z is
scary as hell
.

                                ==========

  After my bathroom break, Z walks past me to the washroom himself.  Slamming the door behind him, I'm pretty nervous suddenly.  I really,
really
don't like Angry Z.  Ugh.  I want to get into the bed.  Now!  So removing my cardigan quickly, I slip under the covers. I forgot the lights, but
who cares!
  Maybe he's not ready to sleep yet anyway- not that I feel very tired anymore. 
Oh well,
I can fake it; it’s not my first time faking with Z. 
  When Z exits the bathroom, he moves to the other side of the bed, turns on the lamp, walks to the door, locks it, and shuts off the main light.  Walking back to the bed, he crawls into the bed, in his pants
ONLY
.  (Nice chest, by the way!) 
Oh. My. God
.  He said the floor, or the, ah, couch.  What is he
doing
in the bed?
  "Relax, Sweetheart.  I told you I'm not going to
take you
this evening.  I would just like to be near your body, when I feel so annoyed with you right now." 
What?!
  Annoyed with
ME?
  "Uh huh.  Good night, Z.  Incidentally, I don't want to be near
YOUR
body when
I’m
so annoyed with you right now.  Not that I have a choice in the matter."  Ha!  There! 
Mr. Choice!
  "You could
choose
to leave the bed, Sweetheart… not that I wouldn't follow wherever you end up, but you
do
have a choice."
  He sounds so pleased with himself.  What an ass!  Well, I'm not going to respond.  Nope.  Let him have the last word. I don't care.  Let him think he's won.  Let him think he's more annoyed than I am.  I’m daughter to
the Beaumonts
for Christ’s sake!  I know silence, and I know how to feel victorious even in someone’s silence. 
  "
Asshole..."
  I murmur.  Oops. 
Whatever.

 
"
Clever
, love.  You said that already today.  Sweet dreams."  Dammit.  I can hear his smile-voice, though I refuse to look at him.  What an
ASSHOLE!
 
  Refusing to see what Z’s doing, I try hard to fall asleep.  I try very, very hard.  This is brutal.  The clock is in slow-motion.

 
Suddenly, I hate time.  I usually love time.  I've always loved time.  Time is how I relate to all events.  ‘This only took 9 minutes.’  ‘
That
was only 6 minutes.’  ‘Oh,
THAT
was an hour.’  Even Marcus is the 5-8 minute man, depending on how hard he thrusts inside me.  Ew.  Groan.  Don't go there. 
  Actually, I feel very close to sleep now.  Please, keep falling, stop thinking of Marcus, and stop thinking of everything else.  I'm very sleepy now, and almost gone.

 
Good night, Z...

 
Gasping, I open my eyes as I struggle to see in the blinding light.  Shit!  He has my book. 
Oh, the horror!
  Marcus would be appalled.  Is Z disgusted with me, too? 
  "Relax, love.  You're not in trouble, though I am curious why you can read such things, but you are unwilling or
unable
to discuss them with me."
  "Um... It was in the room when I got here.  It's not mine.  I didn't even look at it.  Is it a bible?  What
is
it?"

 
Pathetic, lying, loser!  There is no way he believes me.  Turning my head, I bury my face into the pillow as he laughs at me.
  "Are you
lying
to me, Sweetheart?  Come on…
tell me
."  Dammit!
  "Ah...
of course
it's my book, and no I don't know why I buy them, or why I can't talk about them, or why I even
like
them.  But I do, okay?  I. Like. Dirty. Books."  I mumble into the pillow. 
  "
Really?
  I wouldn't call this a 'dirty' book, so much as a 'shockingly filthy, pornographic novel'... much worse than just
dirty
."  And there's his smile-voice.
  Turning my head from side to side, I mutter, "Actually, that IS just a dirty book, some of the other novels I've bought from Amazon
ARE
‘shockingly filthy, pornography’..."  Ha!  I can be brazen,
see?
  "...And I love them, though don't ask me why."
  Why am I not shriveling up and dying at the moment?  Why am I teasing with Z about this?  I should be horrified and mortified.  I should at the very least be extremely embarrassed.  I’m not supposed to buy these kinds of novels, never mind actually enjoy them.  Someone like me, or rather the daughter of people like my parents, married to a man like Marcus should never buy, or even entertain novels like these.
  "Well, I’m delighted you like these novels.  This book gives me much inspiration.  As a man, I like to believe I am well-versed with the female body and all its passionate wants and needs; this book however, has taught me that my arrogance may be a little overblown.  I've actually learned a few things which
I can't wait to try
."  Wow.  That sounds scary but really,
really
sexy too.  "So tell me.  Why do you like these books?  And be honest."  Ahhh... 
  "I don't know-
honestly.
  I honestly don't know why I like reading them.  They’re gross, and graphic, and usually I'm appalled by the women and the men, but then I'm kind of excited by them a little, as well.  I'm not comfortable with most of the stuff in those books, and I can’t DO any of the stuff in those books, but I don't know if that's because I'm a prude, or because I'm just not very comfortable with
anything
sexual, including myself.  Does that make sense?"
  "Yes.  It makes perfect sense.  Do you know what I take from this reading material, and from your endearing little confession?"
  "No. But please be gentle with me... I've had a shitty week."  I smile, using Z’s own words against him.
  Laughing, "Oh, I'll be gentle, Sweetheart."  Wow. 
That
sounded sooo suggestive.  "Here is what I have so far, and please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong."
  "I will..." Ha!  I hope I can handle this...
  "You have never had
good
sex; therefore, it's unknown to you.  You read these filthy novels about strong women who actually
want
sex, and they want it
filthy
and sexy.  And they actually ask for what they want... 
You
, however, could never do that.  Whether because you are afraid to ask for what you want, or because you don't know
how
to ask for what you want, or maybe because you’re married to a
sexually inept asshole
, who you can’t ask, I’m not sure of which.  Therefore, though much of this content is graphically over the top, even for me, someone who
does
enjoy good, dirty, sometimes
filthy
sex, you enjoy reading about what
those kind of women
do want and do ask for.  You are so hung up on being well-bred and proper that you can't even imagine yourself being like
‘those kind of women’
.  How close am I? 
Honestly?
"
  "I don't know.  I mean, I guess you're right.  I've never really thought about it in depth before.  I just thought reading these novels because they ARE so illicit,
was
the 'dirty little secret'."
  "I see.  Well, what do you like about them?"
  "I really couldn't tell you."
  "Would you like to be in a relationship with a man that was as graphic and as sexually charged as the heroines in these novels are?"