I am HER... (26 page)

 
“I seriously doubt it.  No, I don't think so.  Most of the sex stuff actually scares me.  I don't like feeling sexually overwhelmed and I KNOW
that
kind of sex would overwhelm me.  I think I just like knowing those women, and yes I'm aware that they are fiction... but I like knowing that those women who want sexual stuff like that, just take it or make it happen.  I like knowing that they actually enjoy it.  It's like I feel good for them that they’re happy being like that."
  "
Like that?"
  "Dirty.  Slutty.  Whorey.  I don't know.  I'm not really judging them, because they are just characters in novels.  But I know in the real world I could never be like that without judging myself."
  "I see.  So, in a perfect world,
sexually speaking
, would you want to be 'dirty, slutty and whorey' like in these novels?"
  "I don't think so.  I think I would be too uncomfortable- too insecure.  I would be too afraid of sexual
failure
to ever enjoy myself enough to not fail in that type of scenario."
  "I would love to prove you wrong.  I think you could be
exactly
like those women, if you wanted to be.  Do you remember earlier today?  Do you remember what you felt?  What you
experienced
once you dropped your guard and relaxed a little?"  Oh, no.  Blush.
  "Um, yes... I remember."  Oh shit.  This is going in a bad direction now.
  "Do you think you
failed
at any point during our time together?"
  "Yes.  I mean, you didn't... you know.  And I was a mess in the beginning.  And I was awkward and unattractive...."   Shut up!  Stop speaking! 
WHY
does this man make me speak and confess?
  "Well, as I explained to you earlier, I didn't get-off, because I was happy with where we were at.  I wanted you to be comfortable with me, and I didn't think hopping on, and thrusting inside you, was where you were at, or where you would be most comfortable with me...

 
“….And yes, you were a mess and awkward in the beginning which is to be expected.  You weren't comfortable with me yet, and you certainly aren't comfortable with your own sexuality.  It takes time to build both those elements, and it takes trust.  As for being unattractive- you couldn't be more wrong.  Just watching you struggle to overcome all your sexual hang-ups and burdens, to overcome them enough to experience even a little pleasure, was
very
attractive to me.  And physically, you were
gorgeous
.  I loved watching you experience pleasure with me, and I cannot wait to experience it with you again…  Now, are you convinced?"  Um...  This is so awkward, but kind of good, too.  What do I say now?
  Suddenly taking my hand, Z places it on his erection.  As I try to pull my hand away, he holds it firmly against him.  "
Now
, are you convinced?"
  "Oh, okay.  I believe you."  Give me my hand back!  NO
DON’T!  
ARGH…
  "Don't be frightened, Sweetheart. I would never push you too hard, or force you past your limits.  Do you trust me to know the difference?" 
  "No, not really.  Most people don't even acknowledge, never-mind respect that I have limits."
  "Well,
I'm
not most people, and I will.  Now, I would like you in my arms so I can kiss you.  Move up my body, and let me kiss you."

 
Do I move?  How do I move?  I'll be too heavy on him.  But Z doesn't wait for me to decide.  Pulling me up by my hips, he slides my body up and over him, resting me between his legs.  God, I can feel his erection against my body.  Am I too heavy on him?  Am I crushing it?
  "Stop thinking.  You feel perfect against my body.  Now, kiss me."
  Leaning into Z's mouth, I kiss him tentatively.  He is barely moving, but he feels so warm against me.  Kissing is nice.  I haven't really kissed in so many years, since I was maybe a late teen, and with only one boy. Marcus thinks kissing is ‘
gross and unnecessary’
.
Marcus only gives quick lip brushes on my forehead most times. 
  Z's lips are softer than I remembered, and his chin and cheeks are a little more course.  Stubble, I guess.  It’s not totally unpleasant. Marcus never had stubble. 
Ever.
  He was so anal about shaving.  He took shaving kits with him everywhere.  It was... 
Oh
Shit!
  I flinch. Z’s staring at me and we're no longer kissing. 
  "Are you back, Sweetheart?  You know, I can recognize your emotional and mental retreats now.  I know when I've lost you.  Is kissing me really so boring?"  Ha!  This time I can see his smile-voice.  He's teasing me. 
Oh, yeah...?
  "Well, it's not MY fault your kisses are so boring?"  Ha! I can tease, too.
  "
Really...?"
He asks with a grin.  And suddenly he twists us and I’m under him.  His body is right between my legs, holding me down. Before I even have time to panic, h
e’
s kissing me...
really
kissing me.  Ravaging my mouth, I barely move my lips because I don't know how to keep up with him... And then I am.  My lips start battling with his until I'm nearly breathless.  When his tongue slides into my mouth, I hear myself moan.

 
Z is awesome!  Z's lips are awesome. 
This
is awesome.  I can barely breathe, but not from panic.  This time I am breathless from...
a kiss
.
  Pulling away, Z smirks and asks, "Are you alright, Sweetheart?  You're looking and sounding a little out of breath."  Uh huh.  But I feel a giggle surfacing, and it keeps pulling at me until I burst out laughing.
  "Yes.  Yes, I'm fine.  That was, however, my first kiss in over ten years.  So, I may have to work-out a little.  I wouldn't want you to confuse a panic-attack, with my pleasure."  Oh no!   Did I just say pleasure? 
Pleasure?
  I'm blushing furiously, trying to turn my head from him, but Z holds my face still in his hands, watching me.
  "It's okay to say the word
pleasure.
  I like to hear
that
particular word coming from your mouth.  It's a turn on, actually."  Oh.
  "Um... It sounds kind of dirty or something.  I don't really like it,"  I blush.
  "That's okay.  I'm hoping you will get very comfortable with the word pleasure, maybe even enjoy it.  Shall I continue kissing you?"  Hell, yeah!
  "If you want to..."
  "Oh, I want to," he growls.
  Taking my lips once again, Z moves one hand slowly down my chest to my breast.  Cupping me gently, I feel his thumb moving back and forth over my nipple below my cami.  It's not entirely unpleasant.  Z doesn't just grab me hard,
squeezing
over and over like Marcus does. Actually, Z doesn't really do anything like Marcus does.
  "Marcus usually hurts me right there.  He just grabs and squeezes my breasts until I'm bruised... sometimes..."  Shut up!  What the
HELL
are you doing?
  "Marcus is a fucking prick.  Breasts are meant to be fondled a little, cupped and held gently.  Nipples are meant to experience pleasure.  They seek attention and beg for pleasure.  Can you feel my thumb?  Does it feel good?"
  "Um, yes, kind of.  I don't think I'm very sensitive there."
  "
Really?
  Let's see..." 
How?
  OH!
  Lowering his head, he takes my nipple into his mouth.  Z's mouth is warm and soft on my nipple.  His tongue flicks at it, and when he starts sucking, I actually jump.

 
Oh, I
feel
that.
That
feels very good.  I can feel a tugging in my stomach or my uterus or
somewhere
inside me- I don’t know where.  It feels weird because it's
all over
my body somehow too.
  "Feel good?"  He murmurs around my nipple.
  "Yes..."  Was that me?  I sounded all breathless and
moany.
  Moving his mouth to my other nipple, Z does the same tongue flicking, sucking thing.  With his thumb he continues moving back and forth over my other sensitive nipple.  Working both at the same time, I feel all excited, or
turned on,
I guess. 
Weird.
 
  "Good?"  He asks while continue to flick and suck.
  "Yes."
  "Shall I continue a little further then?"
  "Yes
, please..."
  Again with the voice.

 
Slowly, Z moves down my body, as he lifts my cami up over my breasts to my neck.  I think he's being cautious, kind of non-threatening.  I appreciate the gesture.

 
Placing little kisses, ah, and little biting nips on my stomach, Z continues his path down my body.  Again, this feels good.  I'm not freaking out.  I'm a little detached though, trying to understand what he's doing, and how he's doing it, and…
  "Stop thinking.  Lie back.  Close your eyes, and
feel
.  I'm just going to remove your pants, very slowly so I don't hurt your spine."  Now, I'm uncomfortable.  My whole body freezes in place. 
My pants? 
NO!
  "Um, I don't want you to see me
down there
.  I think I'm kind of ugly.  I have some m-marks..." Shut up!  Shut the hell up!
  "I've seen you naked before, Sweetheart. You were beautiful.  A natural strawberry-blonde...
very rare
I'll have you know."  Is he teasing me?

 
"Well, we were in the dark before, and this time there is too much light.  And last time you were under my skirt, and this time you will see everything...."  God, I sound so whiney.
  "Would you like the light turned off?"
  "Yes!"  Thank god!
  "Okay.  But I want you to know, it's only for you-
Not
for
me.  I love your body, and I look forward to seeing all of it... when you're comfortable."
  Leaning past me, Z turns off the bedside lamp, and then kneels between my legs.  Slowly pulling my yoga pants down my body, he seems so serious and intense; it's kind of funny actually. 
God,
he's just pulling my pants off.  Marcus always ripped them down, quickly.  Actually, Marcus did
everything
quickly. 
  Reaching for my cami, Z pulls it up and over my head slowly as well.  My back hurt a little that time.  Shit.  I'm totally naked.  I know it's almost completely dark, but now I see that the bedside clock is giving a slight red glow to the room. I can still see him, which means, he can still see me.  Maybe I should turn the clock around.  I HATE this. 
  "Stop, Sweetheart.  I can barely see your body, and though you’re freaking out a little, I wish I
could
see your body clearly.  You are so beautiful, and it bothers me very much that your husband never took the time to appreciate you or your body.  You have soft curves, and gorgeous skin... all smooth and pale, and creamy.  I love it.  I wish you would love it as well." 
Very unlikely
.  "I'm just going to touch you a little, okay?"
  "Okay…" I breathe.
  Z slowly trails his fingers around my vagina. 
Ew
, still a gross word.  He’s very slow and gentle, and it doesn't feel gross when he touches me. He doesn't thrust his fingers inside me, but rather, trails around the entrance, opening me up, touching me everywhere.  When his fingers move to the bottom of my opening, I know exactly when he feels the scar tissue.  Jumping, I try to close my legs.
  "What happened here?"
  "Ummm..."  What do I say?
  "Sweetheart, why are you scarred here?  I felt it earlier but I didn't want to ask you then.  Tell me."
  "Marcus, ah, hurt me a little...
By a mistake!"
  "By a mistake? 
Really?"
  No,
not really
.
  "Um, he kind of entered me quickly, and I wasn't ready, and I was kind of torn..."  Shit!  Did Z just growl again?  
"... a little
down there..." I finish quietly.
  "How many times did that happen?"
  "Just a couple.  I mean sometimes I was bleeding, but I only had stitches a couple times..."
  "
STITCHES?!"
  Shit. 
  Z is all angry and intense.  I don't like hearing his clipped voice.  Is he mad at me?  As I try to pull my legs back together, Z’s hands and thighs hold them firmly open.  I’m going to die of embarrassment soon.  Please, just let me close my legs and get dressed.

 
"I'm sorry.  It's nothing.  Please don't be mad at me," I beg.

 
"It's nothing? 
Nothing
?  It's very much something.  What a FUCKING asshole!  When did he do this to you?  You're fucking stitched from your pussy to your anus." 
Flinch.
  "He did more than tear you
slightly!
  WHEN?!"

 
"Ah, I don't know.  The first few times he had sex with me, but then he didn't like it with me, so he only did it every 3 or 4 weeks.  But then I wasn't ready again, so it really hurt, and sometimes I bled...
just a little!
  It wasn't bad.  He wasn't being
mean
or anything.  Marcus just likes sex kind of quick and hard."  This is brutal.  I HATE talking about this.
  "’
Quick and hard’
?  CHRIST!  When did
THIS
happen to you?"  I can feel his fingers sliding over the large scar. 
  "A few years ago.  Marcus was really excited, that's all.  He just really wanted to do it and I wasn't ready.  Ah, I told him, but he was too excited, so he just kind of pushed into me quickly, and I knew he was a little too hard.  I was fine though.  He didn't take too long, so I just waited for him to finish." This is
MORTIFYING!
  Z is visibly shaking when he asks "Did he take care of you?  Did he take you to the hospital?  What the fuck did
he
do?"
  "No!  God, no!  I waited until he fell asleep, and then I went myself.  I didn't want him with me.  That would have been so embarrassing.  I just went, and was stitched up, and sent home with some pain medication.  It was fine. 
Really.
  Can we please stop talking about this? 
Please?"
  "Did he know?  Did He Know What He
DID
To You?"
  "Yes, I mean, there was a lot of blood, but he doesn't really like dealing with that kind of stuff, so I just took care of it.  Its fine, Z.  Please stop."