I am HER... (30 page)

 
"Darling, where are you?  This is your mother speaking." 
No shit.
  "I'm not sure what you think to accomplish from such behavior but it's embarrassing and highly unnecessary.  Marcus feels terrible.  He told your father and I about his little infidelity, and I have to say, he sounds very apologetic about it.  I think you are acting
grossly
inappropriate, and I would like you to stop it now.  You’re lucky to even
have
someone like Marcus in your life.  I know he could find
much
better than you-  Why don’t you think about
THAT
before throwing your life away.  I expect a phone call soon.  Your father is very disappointed in your behavior."

 
Wow.  She cuts deep, doesn't she?

 
"Well, your mother certainly is
charming
."  Again, I burst out laughing, as Z pulls me tightly into his arms.
  "Charming, huh?  I always thought she was kind of a bitch, myself."  More laughter.
  "How the hell did someone as delightful as you come from someone like
that
?"  I. Don't. Know.
  "You’re so warm, Z.  I'm a little cold right now, and you feel very nice to snuggle up to."
  "Sweetheart?  Are you feeling
unwell
right now?  You sound a little detached and sad."
  "I'm okay.  I just wanted to tell you that,"  I whisper while snuggling in closer to Z.
  "What are you thinking about right now?"
  "Nothing much.  But I'm really tired.  Do you mind if I have a little nap?  I've had a busy morning and afternoon.  Is that okay, Z?"

 
"You don't have to ask my permission to do anything, love.  Yes, nap if you need it.  I'll just use your laptop for work while you sleep.  We can finish listening when you wake up."
  "Thank you.  I really am very tired."
  Sliding down the bed, I pull the covers over my body and try to relax.  The clock only reads 1:12, but it feels like midnight.  I am so tired.

 
Closing my eyes, I hear my mother,
of course
.  Why couldn't I hear Kayla calling Marcus a 'fucking asshole' or a 'fuckhead'?  No, I have to fixate on my mother’s voice of disgust and disappointment.

 
I have to stop thinking. 'In' and 'out’... 
In and out.
  It's working this time, and I feel my muscles relaxing, and my mind slowing.  I'm almost there...

                              
    ==========

 
When I wake up, its 5:30 exactly.  Z is lying against my back, kissing my cheek and temple. Wow.  That feels good.  I have never had someone kiss me awake before.  I didn’t know how decadent, and romantic it was.
  "Good afternoon, Sweetheart.  Did you sleep well?  From the sounds of your snoring I would assume so." 
What?!
 
  "Are you teasing me?  Because if I actually snore, we can just tack that onto the list of
'All Things Wrong With Me
'."
  "I'm teasing.  You were out like a
quiet
light."  Oh, thank god.

  Minutes later, Z breathes in my ear,
"I have to ask you something, and I need you to be calm.  I need you to
stay
calm." 
Shit.
  Here we go.
  "Yes?"  Be gentle, please be gentle...
  "I have to leave for New York this evening, the red-eye actually, and I would like you to come with me." 
  "
What?!"
  Jumping up to face him… OUCH!  My back still hurts. 
FLINCH.
  "Take it easy, Sweetheart.  I just want you to stay with me. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to, or you can do anything that you want to. I’d just feel much better if you were with me this week, but there are no strings, if you don't want there to be."

 
"Um... I can't.  I can't go to New York." 
  "Why can't you?  You’ll just be thinking here, probably in this very hotel room, or you can think in New York, in my apartment."  Oh, I want that.
  "It wouldn't be right."
  "Says who?  And you don't have to tell anyone, or you can tell everyone.  I don't care one way or the other."  There’s another long silence while I reason my arguments.
  "Why though?  You don't even know me.  I don't want to be a burden in your home.  What if you have something to do, you'll feel obligated to take me, or worse, to just stay home.  I don't want anything from you, Z.  You've been very, um, nice to me, but it was in
Chicago.
"
  "What does geography have to do with it?"  What, indeed? 
Shit
.
  "Well, in Chicago, you’re like,
helping
someone.  In New York, you’ll be
taking care
of
someone-
Me
.  I don't really like that.  I'm fine here.  I'll work this out.  Maybe by tomorrow I'll have it all worked out."  Yeah, right.  What the
hell
am I going to do?
  "No offense, Sweetheart... but that’s bullshit. You’ll just give in tomorrow, if you do anything at all."
  "No, I won't.  I still have to figure out what I want, and I won't be able to do that in your apartment in New York.  That will just confuse things.  You are very nice to me, and I don't want to start mistaking your niceness for more than it is."
  "
More than it is?
  What if I told you I was feeling more than
niceness
toward you?"
  "Um, I would say that you just pity me or feel bad for me or something..."
  "
Really?
  So you don't know your own feelings on anything at the moment, but you know mine?" 
  "No, I don't have a clue what you're feeling, but I don't want to at the moment.  If I start thinking you’re
more than nice
, it will twist me into doing something I might not have otherwise done.  Does that make sense?"
  "Yes, it makes sense.  But I still want you to come to New York with me tonight.  I have a spare room, if you want it, or you can share my bed,
with me
.  I don't want you alone anymore.  I told you I was going to help you, and I still am.  It’ll just be easier for me to help if you ARE with me in New York.  We can fly back by Thursday evening, if you like.  I have a meeting Thursday afternoon, and then I'm free again for a few days.  You could even help me figure out what the fuck Craig was doing with his expenses..."  He's grinning?  "... I would very much like you with me in New York.  Please come.  You could just spend the days relaxing, or thinking, or obsessing, or sight-seeing, or reading... Oh!  I have a Kindle at home, so you can instantly buy all your filthy novels from Amazon.  Sound, good?"  Yes.  God, this all sounds too good.
  "The raunchiest novels I can buy?"  What am I
doing?!
  "I look forward to it.  I need to enhance my skills in the bedroom a little, I think."

 
“No. You. Don't…
Okay...
I'll go to New York.  But NO STRINGS, for both of us.  I don't want you feeling like you have to take care of me.  I'll die of embarrassment if you look at me like I'm all pathetic and needy."
  "I won't look at you as if you're pathetic, but I do hope to see you looking at least a little
needy.
.."  Oh my god, he just wiggled his eyebrows at me.  He's flirting with me.  This is awesome!!
  "I'm only agreeing because of your Kindle."
  "Fair enough."  Z pulls me into a hug and a deep kiss.

 
Wow.  I could get used to this.  Don't!  You are still VERY married.  Don't get attached!  Don't be stupid!  This is just a nice man who is helping you.  That's all.  He is a sexy as hell, unattached, beautiful, sexually amazing man, just
helping
you… nothing more.
  "Please stay with me.  I feel your retreat again.  I promise you, you dictate what we DO, or DO NOT DO in New York.  You’re safe with me.  I won’t hurt you. I
couldn’t
hurt you.  Do you trust me?  Even a little, at this point?"
  "Ah, a little.  I'm sorry, but this is just so new and strange for me.  Kind of whirl-wind like. I'm just trying to keep up with my life at the moment."
  "I do understand.  I know how all this is for you right now and I'm not trying to add to your stresses; I just want to be there when you need help with them, that's all, I promise." 
My god
.  This is the greatest man I have ever known.

 
"Okay.  Um, what time do we leave?  I have to check out of here."
  "I suggest we leave this hotel room no later than 9:00, so I can pack up my hotel room quickly.  We should be at the airport before 10:45.  Our flight is at 11:30."
  "You already booked me on your flight?" 
Seriously?
  “Am I really so
easy?
”  Ah, yes.  Where Z is concerned it appears I’m really,
really
easy.
  "Of course I booked a flight for you.  I knew I could convince you with my charm and argumentative skills..."
  "
Really?
  Well, I'll have you know, you almost lost.  Your argumentative skills only got you so far.  It wasn’t quite the adorable eyebrow wiggle or
needy
suggestion that did me in, but rather it was the Kindle that convinced me to go."
  Hugging me to him, Z replies, "Well, whatever convinced you, I still win."

                              
      ==========

 
After we’ve eaten dinner in the dining room, Z asks if I need help packing when we return to my room.  Looking at all the food, he actually laughs and suggests we stop by a homeless shelter.  Ha!  Smart-Ass!  Wondering where the muffins are, I finally see them in the trash.
  "Not a fan of muffins?" 
Shit.
  Is he like Marcus?
  "Muffins are fine.  I just dropped them on the floor.  Why?  Would you like me to buy you more?"
  "No.  Marcus wouldn't let me have them, because they are for fat women, so I was worried you felt the same...
Sorry
."
  "I'm not Marcus, Sweetheart, and I could give a shit what you do or don't like to eat.  Just relax."  Wow.
  "Do you need help packing your clothes?"
  "No, thank you.  I can manage.  Actually, I'll need to buy more in New York, but that should be fun.  I haven't shopped in New York in a few years."
  "Do you have enough money?" 
  "Of course."  Gulp.
  "Sweetheart...
Do you?"
  "Yes, but I would like to hit a few ATM's before we leave tonight.  That way I have extra money, AND Marcus won't know I'm in New York."
  "Whatever you want to do... but I have plenty of money, and..."
  "No!  I'm not taking a dime from you! 
Please,
Z.  I need a little pride, okay?  I have money, I just have to access it before we leave Chicago."
  "No problem.  We'll stop at an ATM on the way to the airport.  Breathe, love."
  Kissing his lips quickly, I mutter a thank you, as I turn to begin packing my clothes.  Z’s using my laptop again while I pack. He just looks so relaxed on the bed, and so handsome.  His relaxation actually makes me relax some.

 
If he was freaked out, or regretting his suggestion that I go to New York with him, he’d look stressed, right?  Actually, Z seems like the type who would just speak up and tell me if he’d changed his
mind.  Okay, that directness is comforting too.  Maybe I won’t always have to worry or wonder if I’m doing something wrong.  Maybe I won’t have to question his feelings and motivations all the time.

 
Z seems like he’ll just tell me anything he feels like telling me, whenever he feels like it.  I won’t have to second guess, and I won’t have to search him for clues.  Yes, this is good.  I can relax a little.  Z will tell me things, and then I won’t panic at the unknown.
  After all 6 pair of heels, and my one pair of sneakers are packed, I start on the dresser drawers.  I have lots of black bras and underwear, a few black camis, a couple black t-shirts, 2 pair of black yoga pants, and 2 pair of black 2-piece pajamas.  In the closet, I pull out my couple black sweaters, my 5 pair of black slacks, 4 black skirts, a few black blouses, and my sexy little backless cocktail dress in black,
naturally.

 
"Do you ever wear any color, besides black?"  I jump as his voice suddenly surrounds me.

 
"No! 
WHY?!"
  And here it is, I’ve been waiting.
  "I was just curious.  You look very good in black…”

 
“But…?"  Christ my voice is high.  Breathe,
Dammit
.
  "Why are you so tense right now?"
  "I’m not.  It's nothing."
  "But…?" He asks and waits patiently,
again.
  Exhaling, “Okay, fine.  Marcus used to criticize my black, but then he also said he understood why I liked black, because of my 'big thighs and butt'.  I just feel a little defensive about my clothing. Well, my clothing
color
.  Sorry, I’m fine now."
  "Marcus is an asshole.  I love your clothing…
though,
I do think with your pale skin and gorgeous blue eyes, you would look stunning in a little red."
  "
RED?!
  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Red is for
DIRTY SLUTS!!
"  
What?