I am HER... (23 page)

 
Z stands to leave.  Oh god he's leaving me already!

  "I'm sorry!  Please don't go!!  I promise I won't say anything else.  We can have sex... if you want!"  God, I'm such a whore- such a
desperate
whore!
  Walking back toward me with a smile, Z holds a towel out motioning for me to get in it.  Okay.  I am kind of cold.  He hasn't said anything about my offer.  Maybe, he really doesn't want to have sex with me.  I thought all men wanted sex, with anyone, anytime.
  Standing, I suddenly see myself in the mirror.  SHIT!  I'm
NAKED!
  Jumping back, I smash the middle of my spine into the metal shampoo shelf in the shower. 
CHRIST!
  It hurts!  My entire back screams in red-hot agony, as my knees buckle.

 
OH MY GOD!
  The pain is shocking.  I vaguely hear Z swearing and staggering to pick me up, but I really can't hear him over the pain ringing in my ears.  I’ve never realized before that pain can make a sound in your ears.  That’s actually kind of cool.
  Inside the shower stall, Z wraps me up tight in a huge towel, and it feels so good, I can't help but lean into his arms.  He’s so warm, and so nice and kind.  And he’s
so
handsome.  Why isn't he with anyone? 
Oh.
  Maybe he is. 
Dammit.
  "Are you married, engaged, or otherwise committed to someone?"  There.  I think I covered everything. 
Holy shit!
  My back is killing me.
  "No, Sweetheart, I don't cheat.  It's not my style to cheat,"  Z says, as we enter the bedroom.
  "
Really?
  I thought all men cheated with anyone, at any time?  Whenever and wherever with whomever?"
  "I don't know about other men, but that is certainly not true of me."   Huh.  That’s reassuring.

 
Oh, but I'm a cheater now.  Dammit.  I let him do stuff to me today.  Shit.  I’m a whore.

 
"I'm sorry I let you do that
stuff
today, to a
married
woman.  I didn't mean to be bad."  I feel like crying.
  Z sits me on the bed, and makes his way behind me.  Lowering my towel slightly, I feel him touching my spine.  Flinching, I try to be still, I really do, but I can't help moving. The pain is excruciating.  I hear sounds coming from my mouth, like whimpers.
  "I'm sorry..."  I whisper between pain-filled breaths.
  "For
what?!"
He asks, sounding almost offended.
  "Well, for many things, but especially for moving right now, when you're doing whatever you're doing to my back, but I can't help it. My back hurts very, very badly.  And I’m sorry also for talking about sex, for, um... being a
whore
.  I'm sorry for that.  You don't have to say anything, I know how you feel, and I don't blame you.  I just really don't want to hear you tell me no, okay?  I much prefer your silence on the subject, cause it's easier for me to handle."  I wish I was dead right now.  This is awful.  At least my back is toward him so I can't see the pity on his face.

 
I feel Z take a large inhale, and as he exhales, I feel his body shaking slightly.  "Sweetheart, you’re going to have a very bad, very large bruise on your spine, and I'm trying to access whether there is any nerve damage, so of course it's going to hurt you.  Actually, I'm really,
really
glad it hurts. The alternative would be horrendous for us both.  I can’t stand the thought of you physically hurt." There’s another deep inhale and loud exhale for Z.  This isn't going to be good, I can feel it.

 
“As for your second apology, I have to fight myself not to have sex with you at such an inappropriate time.  You are not well, Sweetheart.  I'm not sure if you’re even aware of your surroundings at the moment, but if you were fully here with me, I would have already had sex with you, if you would have allowed me the pleasure," And another deep exhale.  "But you are NOT fully here, and it would be
grossly
inappropriate for me to be with you at such a time.  That’s why I’m silent.  Not because I don't want you and NOT because I think you are a
whore.
"  Oh.  That's good then. 
  "I don't understand.  I'm here with you, right now.  I don't know what you mean."
  "Sweetheart, its 6:15.  I'm assuming you didn’t enter the shower at 5:00, or even minutes before, therefore, again I'm assuming you must have been sitting in that shower for at least 2 hours." 
What?!
  "Um, I think I jumped in the shower around 4:15ish.  Wow.  That
was
2 hours ago.  Weird.  It didn't feel that long."
  "No.  I can't imagine it did." 
  Z and I seem to have another long pause, with nothing but silence in the room.  I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know how to explain my shower incident.  Everything just feels a little confused and distant to me.
  "How do you feel, Sweetheart?"
  "Good, why?"
  "Well, you’re a little dazed, horribly water logged, and you have hurt your spine, quite painfully."
  "I'm fine, Z.  Honestly.  I'm not sure why I sat on the shower floor for so long though.  I barely remember it.  I do remember my vanilla-jasmine body wash though."

 
Oh, I have to put the matching lotion on, or it won't work!  I have to have both!  "Oh, no!  Where’s my lotion?  I
need
it, Z.  I have to put it on after the shower, or it's not right.  Do you know where it is?!  Can you help me find it?!  Please!"  This is so upsetting.  I have to have the lotion, to finish.
  "Hold on, love.  I'll get it for you."

 
"Thank you.  You're very nice, Z,"  I breathe through my relief
  Returning from the bathroom, Z holds up my lotion.  Yes!  That's it, I nod.  "May I put it on you?  I would love to." 
He would?
  What guy likes that? 
  "Marcus would never do that..." I whisper.
  "
Ahhh
… but I'm not Marcus."
  "Oh, okay."  Shit.  Breathe.  I'm holding my breath again.

 
"Breath, Sweetheart.  I'm not going to hurt you, or touch you inappropriately, I promise." Well, that’s good...
and
disappointing.
  "Okay.  Thank you."
  Sliding back on the bed behind me, Z tugs gently at my towel to lower it on my back.  Gripping the folded panel tightly in the hand at my breasts, I try to relax.  When the cold lotion hits my shoulders, I jump and giggle a little.  Turning to look at him, Z smiles a cheeky little grin.
  "You did than on purpose."
  He’s smirking.  "Yes I did. Now relax please.  I've already made my promise to you."
  "I'll try," I whisper as I turn away from his grin.
  Z's hands are incredible.  He uses just enough pressure on my shoulders and neck to be firm, but not painful.  This is heaven.  I've always wanted a massage, but it felt kind of dirty to me.  Plus, Marcus would have thought it was obscene and even somewhat self-involved of me.
  "Stop thinking and just enjoy.  Would you like to lie down so I can do your back while you’re lying on the bed?"  Yes. 
Yes, I would.
  "Um, okay..." and turning I can't help the huge flinch and groan, as my spine feels like it has been broken
and
set on fire from the inside.
  "Relax, love.  Breathe through the pain for me."  Oh, his voice is so calming, it nearly takes away my pain.

 
Once on my stomach, I feel Z tug the towel down even lower.  Suddenly, grasping for the back of the towel, I'm afraid my butt is showing.

 
Gasping, the pain from my quick movement to my spine is absolutely stunning, and Z just waits until I calm down.  He hasn't lowered my towel too far, and I probably should have trusted that he wouldn't do that to me.  God, I'm such a jerk.  He has been very honest with me, and has yet to break a promise.  Why can't I trust him?  Why can't I just relax?
  "Stop thinking, love,"  he growls.
  "Sorry... I'm trying.  I really am.  But I have all these thoughts in my head, all over the place, and I can't seem to make them stop."
  "Try inhaling and thinking the word 'in', while on each exhale you think the word 'out'.  It's a modified version of the Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and it's very helpful.  Every time your mind wanders, force it back to the two words 'in' and 'out', until it becomes automatic with your breathing."
  "Okay..."

 
Inhale, 'in' and exhale 'out'.  I wonder if I'm doing this right.  It seems way to easy, maybe I should practice for a while. 
Shit.
  Okay.  Try again.  Inhale 'in', exhale 'out'... 'In', 'out'. 'In', 'out'... Hey I'm doing pretty well. 
SHIT
.  Stop thinking!  God, I'm terrible at this.
  "Sweetheart, you’re still thinking.  Please keep trying.  It takes a while to calm your mind.  There is no right or wrong way, so stop thinking you’re doing it wrong.  Just breathe, and repeat the two words in your head."

 
Z's hands are magic.  I can feel him kneading my arms, down to my palms, and back up to my shoulders.  Everything feels good.  I am surrounded by vanilla-jasmine and the scent is so soothing, I'm in heaven.  He is careful to avoid the middle of my back, but he works the sides of my back, and my shoulder blades in long sweeping motions.

 
Making his way down the bed, I flinch again when I feel his hands on my thighs.  I know his hands are under the towel a little, so my body isn't
actually
showing, but I hate it.  I don't want him to know what my heavy thighs feel like-
Not
that he doesn't already. 
Oh, god.
  He’s put my thighs on his shoulders before...
Shit
!  Today.  That was
today?
 
  Getting back to breathing 'in' and 'out' I'm relaxing slightly.  When Z moves down to my calves, I'm much better.  My calves are much better.  This, I can handle.

 
Once he touches my feet, I moan; an actual moan.  How embarrassing.  I hear his chuckle, but I don't bother looking.  I'm sure I'm beet-red with my moaning blush.  Damn, this is awesome.  I never knew a foot massage could feel like this.  I'm going to have one everyday... if Marcus lets me.
  "Turn over, Sweetheart." 
WHAT?!
  I can't!
  "Um... But..."
  "You’re still covered, and I did promise not to touch you inappropriately, remember?"
  "Yes.  I'm sorry.  I've just never had a massage before, so I didn't know you did the front as well..." 
  "
Never?
  Not even by your husband?"
  "Um, no.  I don't really like to be touched, and Marcus doesn't really like to touch me, so it kind of worked out well."  Laugh.  Oh, I couldn't help that one, as I gently turn over onto my back.
  "I'm pleased to hear that.  Your husband doesn't know what he's missing.  Your skin is so soft; it's a delight to touch.  And I'm honored that you’re allowing
me
to touch you."

 
There is nothing to say to that.  He likes the feel of my skin?  Well, I like the feel of his hands on my skin.  So that kind of worked out well, too.
  Rising on the bed, he once again begins rubbing, massaging and moisturizing my shoulders, neck, and the top of my chest.  Inhaling the vanilla-jasmine makes me smile to myself.  This is so nice.
  "Why are you smiling?" Z grins at me.
  "Well, because I love this scent all around me, and because you like touching my skin, and my skin likes to be touched by you.  So it's the opposite of Marcus.  And it's really nice..."
  "That IS nice.  I'm glad I'm the opposite of your husband.  And yes, I very much like touching your skin,
everywhere
."  He says with another smirk.  Oh.  Blush. 
Dammit.
  Look away!  "Please don't look away from me.  I love your eyes, and I love them on me."
  "I'm embarrassed..."

 
"Why?  Because a man desires you?" 
 "Do you? Um, desire me?"  Major blush.  Shut up!

 
"Very much so.  And I look forward to showing you another time.  But right now, I just want to touch you and make you smile, as you've been."
  "Okay," I sigh.
  Z moves down the bed to my legs.  Why does the front of my thighs seem worse than the backs?  My whole body goes rigid. 
Ugh.
  He could see me
down there
if he looks.  I hate this.
  "I'm not looking at your pussy, love..." 
Flinch.
 “…Please relax."
  "Okay.  It's just, I feel..."
  "Vulnerable?  Exposed? 
Nearly
naked?"
  "Yes, that about covers it.  I don't really do naked ever
.
  I don't like it, so..."
  "You feel horribly uncomfortable that I may see your body naked?"
  "Yes."  I'm blushing again, I know it.  "Yes.  Marcus said I had big thighs and a big butt, so I just kind of stayed clothed…
always.
"  God, this is so embarrassing.
  "Marcus is an ass.  You are lovely.  You’re all soft, and voluptuous.  Your breasts fill my hands perfectly, and your hips and ass were made for holding.  I want you to believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with your body, AT ALL
.
As a matter of fact, I'm desperately fighting the urge, right now, to slide my hands under your towel.  I'm dying to touch you.  I
need
to touch you..."  Oh! 
Well...
 if he’s
dying...
"…I want to see your body.  I want to feel your breasts fill my hands.  I want to taste you again.  I've been dying for another taste..." 
HOLY SHIT!
   "…But for now, I will try to massage away some of your tension."  Oh... okay.  Good. 
Dammit.
  Down my thighs and calves, Z never touches me inappropriately.  EVER.  It’s kind of annoying, actually. 
NOT
that I want to be touched, but
jeez...
Just a little?