I am HER... (39 page)

 
However long later, Z shifts beside me.  I still can't see him, but I
feel
him.

 
“I’m sorry I threw up on your floor.”

 
“I don’t care about the floor, Sweetheart.”
  "Why can't I see, Z?  Everything still just looks like bright light. It really hurts my head and my eyes."
  "I don't know.  But when you are a little better, I would like to take you to the hospital to get you checked out.  Okay?" 
The hospital?!
  NO!

 
"No!  I can't go there.  Marcus and my parents will take me away.  The hospital is bad for me.  I
remember
that.  Z, please don't take me to the hospital."
  "Would you allow a physician to visit you here?  Please?"  Oh, his voice is so lovely.
  Finding and holding Z's hand, I feel sad. This is so sad, I think I'm going to cry again.  Ooops, I think I already am crying.
  "Please don't be sad, Z. I hate hearing you sad.  I'm so sorry... I wish I could see you... I think you're breaking
my
heart..."  I can feel my tears dripping down my face, and I can feel Z squeeze my hand tighter.
  "I'm good, love.  I don't like any of this, but please, think about you right now.  Can you try to open your eyes again for me?"  He asks as I feel him wipe away my tears with a cloth.
  When I try to open my eyes, the light is so bright; I instantly flinch from the agony.  Gagging, I wretch, as Z holds me tighter, pushing something into my lap.  I think I'm going to vomit again.  I need to get it out of me.  I'm so nauseous, I feel like I'm swaying in his arms.
  "Easy, Sweetheart.  Throw-up if you have to.  Don't worry; it's just you and me here."
  "Thank you, Z.  I'm so sorry about all this.  I don't know why this is happening.  But I feel like I
should
know why."
  "Don't worry about it now; you can think yourself to death later."  Ah,
that
was his smile-voice, for sure.
  Once the nausea passes, I try to lean back down on the bed, but Z stops me.

 
"Just stay here with me, Sweetheart.  I like you in my arms.  And I don't really want you falling asleep right now." 
  "Z... I'm really,
really
tired.  Can I please just have a little rest?"
  "No, Sweetheart.  Please, just trust me.  Stay right here, okay?  I'll be back in one minute.  I just want to reach my phone, okay?"
  "All right."

 
                                  ==========

  The second Z leaves my side, I’m instantly frightened.  Oh. My.
God.
  I’m alone, and I can't feel anything.  I can't see anything.  What’s going to happen to me?  I’m defenseless here.
  "Z? 
Z?! 
Where are you?  PLEASE!"  Well, that sounded like a scream. Gasp. The pain!
  "I'm here.  I’m right here!  I told you I would be back in one minute.  I'm not leaving you.  Don't panic." 
  "Sorry..."
  "It’s okay, love.  But I need you to stay calm.  I'm worried about your lack of vision, and I don't want you stressed any further.  Can you do that for me?  Can you try to stay calm?"
  "I'm trying, but it's so hard.  I can't
see
anything.  I don't know if you're here, or away, or if you're mad at me.  I don't know
anything.
"
  "Just know that I'm here, I'm going to try to make you well, and you need to stay calm.  I'm going to make a call in the bathroom to a physician friend of mine, and then we'll go from there.  Here... let me prop you up against the headboard."
  Moving me slowly, Z settles me against the pillows.  Once I'm fully upright, the pain in my head and back is just excruciating.
  "Z... I'm sorry... But my head and back hurt too much like this.  Please, can I lie down on my side? 
Please?
"  I beg, knowing I sound slightly manic and crazed.
  "Here, let me help you rest on your side, upright.  If you're going to throw-up, the bowl is on the bed in front of you.  I'll be just one minute.”
  "Why do you have to leave?  Please, just talk on the phone right here."
  "Just one minute, Sweetheart."
  It takes only seconds for me to get that panicky alone feeling again.  Christ!  My head is killing me.  I don't think I've ever had a headache this bad in my life.  Trying to stay calm, I listen for Z's voice.  His lovely voice is muffled, though angry sounding through the door.  What the hell is he saying?
  Listening closer I hear certain words, in certain sentences, all mumbled together.  I think I hear the words 'hospital and Marcus and fever and psychotic, and the Beaumonts...' And then I hear Z yell, 'Get here now!' Wow, I heard that one clearly.

 
Shit!
  None of that sounds good.  I have to get out of here, now.  I think Z is trying to have Marcus and my parents meet us at the hospital. Dammit! My parents will take me away as soon as they find me.
  Standing, I feel for the bedside table.  GOD!  My head feels like it’s going to explode.  My back hurts less in comparison to my head, which is good, I guess.  I don't know where anything is.  I don't even know where my purse or keys are.  What do I do?
  Z is going to help them take me away.  I knew it.  I
always
knew.  I think he knows my parents. I think he knows Marcus.  Maybe Marcus told him to follow me around. 
Shit.
  I wonder if he's working for my parents.  He said he wasn't scared of them.  He said they couldn't hurt him.  Maybe he
IS
with them.
  Making my way to the bedroom door is hard, but finally I feel the doorknob.  Pulling it open and feeling out, I realize I'm in Z's closet. 
Fuck!
  I'll just hide here.  Maybe Z will think I left, and he'll leave to look for me,
for them,
 and then I'll be alone.

 
Sitting on the floor, I curl my knees up to my chest and rest my pounding, throbbing head on my knees.  Quiet.  Don't panic.  I’ll just rest for a minute until he leaves.

                                
==========

  "Sweetheart. Open your eyes.  Can you see anything?"  Marcus whispers. 
Flinch
.

 
With my eyes closed tight, I respond, "No Marcus, I still can't see.  I'm sorry."  Did he just gasp at me?
  "What are you doing in here?  Were you running away from me?"
  "No,
Honey.
  I know better. My parents told me I could never get away, and you've told me a hundred times that I couldn't leave.  So,
no.
  I'm going nowhere.  I just needed some privacy."

 
There, that sounded like the truth. Ha!  Marcus is quiet, probably trying to think of something else to accuse me of.
  "Sweetheart, I would like you to come back to bed now." 
  "Please don't call me that. 
That
is someone else.  I really don't feel well, and I don't want to have sex... okay?"  I whisper and hope.  Please, please,
please.
  "Okay, love.  No sex today, but I really need to get you in the bed."  No sex?  Yeah, right.
  "Is this a trick Marcus?"
  "No.  No trick.  I'm just going to get some clothes to put on you, and then I’ll put you into bed.  Is that okay?" 
Clothes?
  SHIT!  I'm naked again.  What is
WITH
that?

 
"Yes, please.  But no peaking..."  I can't help but giggle.
  "No. I won't peak, I promise." 
Really?
  That's a first.
  Slowly Marcus helps me stand.  Walking, he leans me against his body.  This is nice.  This is the first time Marcus has ever touched me nicely, or even held me.
  "You’re never nice to me Marcus.  You’re always mean, or you ignore me or you just
hurt
me.  But this is nice.  Why are you different now?"
  "I just feel differently toward you.  You are wonderful, and I wanted to show you that I think you’re wonderful.  Come on now.  Sit down, and I'll help with your clothes."  Okay.
  "Thank you.  You've never dressed me before. You usually only scratch and pull, or tug and bruise to get my clothes off.  Why are you being nice now?”  Did he just
flinch?
  What the
hell?
  “I’m sorry I won’t say anything else.  I know you're a good man.  You and my parents told me I was lucky to have someone like you, so I'll be quiet.  I'm really,
really
, sorry Marcus."  Will he be mad at me anyway?  Oh, probably.  "Please don't be mad at me?"
  "I'm not mad at all.  Come on lift your bottom... there you go.  Now I'm going to put this t-shirt on you, okay?"
  "Oh, yes.  Thank you.  I feel better now.  I wish I could see you.  I would like to see what you look like when you're pretending to be nice to me." 
  Marcus is so strange.  This isn't like him at all.  What's he doing? Should I be nervous? 
Shit
.  Maybe he
is
tricking me.
  "Please stop touching me now.  I'm fine.  I'm just going to have a rest.  I'll prepare a proper meal shortly.  Thank you for your attention, but I'm fine now.  Please leave me alone.” 
  "Sweetheart, are you here now?" 
Huh?
  "Yes, of course I'm here.  Thank you.  Please leave me for just a little while.  I'll be down soon."  Oh,
god!
  Just GO!
  Marcus must be gone now, because everything is so quiet.  I need to rest while I can.  I need to recover while he lets me.  I need to sleep for just a little bit because the pain always makes me so tired.
 

                                        ==========

  "Listen Sweetheart.  My friend will be here very soon, and I don't want you to be frightened, okay?  I’ll stay with you the whole time if you want.  He’s just going to talk to you a bit." 
Uh huh.

 
Here we go.  It’s always ‘just a friend’.  It’s always someone ‘special’ who wants to meet me.  It’s always someone nice, until they’re
NOT nice
.
  "Are you going to take the pictures?" 
Jeez...
is his body shaking on the bed?

 
"Um, no.  Should I?" 
  "If that’s what you want.  How should I know?  Whatever you want.  I won't be any trouble for you or your friend.  Can I just rest my body a bit before he gets here? 
Please
let me rest up.”  I’m so tired.
  "Why does your body need to rest up?"

 
“Because of what you do to it.  But it’s fine.  If you let me have just a little rest you can do that stuff again.  I’ll be fine.”

 
“Why do you need to rest, Sweetheart?”
  "I'm sorry.  I don't understand.  You
know
why.  When you're done, I get a little rest before you start again."

 
Is he moaning?  What the
hell
is he doing?  I’ve never heard Marcus make that awful noise before.  It’s a sad, ugly sound.  I really don’t like it much at all.

 
"I just need a little rest.  I'll be good in a few minutes, I promise."
  "Okay, Sweetheart, you can rest while we wait for my friend to arrive."
  "Please don't call me that...
Sweetheart
is someone else."   

 
Am I awake?  Voices talking scare me.  Why can't I open my eyes?  Why aren't my eyes working? 
Shit!
  Open your eyes.  Open Your EYES! 
FUCK!

 
Jumping from the bed, I am stunned by the pain.  Screaming, I sink to the floor on my knees.
  "No!  Stay still.  Don't move, Sweetheart. 
Fuck!"
 
  "Who are you?"
  "Sweetheart, it's Z.  Do you remember me?"  Well,
duh.
 
  "Of course I remember you, what's happening?  Why are you asking me that?!"  I snap at him.
  "Are you in pain?" 
  "Yes.  My back is killing me, but it’s my head!  The pain is blinding.  Oh,  that's
too
funny.  I’m actually blinded by the pain, Z. 
Holy shit!"

 
I can't help but burst out laughing at the agony.  What else can I do?  My head is pounding so badly with my laughter I can do nothing but keel over and hold my temples with my palms.  This is
AGONY
! 
  "Stop!  Stop, now.  Listen to my voice.  Listen to me, Sweetheart.  I want you to stop laughing now, and take a deep breath."
  "Okay.  Sorry.  But that
was
kind of funny...
in my defense
."
  "Yes it was, and maybe tomorrow we'll have a good laugh over it."  Ah, his smile-voice.
  "Do you know how much I love your smile-voice?  I look so forward to hearing it.  It makes me happy."  I shouldn't have said that. 
  "My
smile-voice
?"  And there it is again. Z is just so adorable sometimes.
  "Yes,
that
voice.  Right there- the voice with the smile attached to it.  I love it, but please don't stop using it now that you know I like it, okay?  Please?" 
  "I wouldn't dream of it.  I like that my
smile-voice
pleases you."
  "Thank you."   I heard it that time, as well.